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Sideways Quotes

Sideways is a television program that was first aired in 1970 . Sideways stopped airing in 1970.

It features Michael London as producer, Rolfe Kent in charge of musical score, and Phedon Papamichael as head of cinematography.

Sideways is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Sideways is 127 minutes long. Sideways is distributed by Fox Searchlight Pictures.

The cast includes: Marylouise Burke as Miles Raymond, Thomas Haden Church as Jack, Virginia Madsen as Maya, Sandra Oh as Stephanie, Phil Reeves as Vacationing Dr. Walt Hendricks, Shaun Duke as Mike Erganian, and Missy Doty as Cammi.

Sideways Quotes

Virginia Madsen as Maya

  • (Virginia Madsen) "You know, can I ask you a personal question, Miles?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Sure."
  • (Virginia Madsen) "Why are you so in to Pinot?"
  • (Virginia Madsen) "I mean, it's like a thing with you."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Uh, I don't know, I don't know. Um, it's a hard grape to grow, as you know. Right? It's uh, it's thin-skinned, temperamental, ripens early. It's, you know, it's not a survivor like Cabernet, which can just grow anywhere and uh, thrive even when it's neglected. No, Pinot needs constant care and attention. You know? And in fact it can only grow in these really specific, little, tucked away corners of the world. And, and only the most patient and nurturing of growers can do it, really. Only somebody who really takes the time to understand Pinot's potential can then coax it into its fullest expression. Then, I mean, oh its flavors, they're just the most haunting and brilliant and thrilling and subtle and -- ancient on the planet."
  • (Virginia Madsen) "I'm the queen of typos."
  • (Virginia Madsen) "So, what gems do you have in your collection?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Oh, its not much of a collection. I mean, its more like a small gathering in a cabinet. I-I've never really had the wallet for that. I just have to live bottle to bottle."
  • (Virginia Madsen) "So is it kind of about death and mortality, or?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Mrnmm, yeah -- but not really. It shifts around a lot. Like you also start to see everything from the point of view of the father. And some other stuff happens, some parallel narrative, and then it evolves; or devolves; into a kind of a Robbe-Grillet mystery; with no real resolution."
  • (Virginia Madsen) "I think; this guy's more our speed."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Andrew Murray. Well, okay."
  • (Virginia Madsen) "What's the title?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "The Day After Yesterday."
  • (Virginia Madsen) "Oh -- You mean today?"
  • (Virginia Madsen) "You know, the day you open a '61 Cheval Blanc -- that's the special occasion."
  • (Virginia Madsen) "Do you have any idea what he's been saying to her?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Well, he's an actor; so it can't be good."

Thomas Haden Church as Jack

  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Try to be your normal, humorous self. The guy you were before the tailspin. Do you remember that guy? People love that guy."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Listen, honey. Let me call you right back. Miles and I are in the middle of something. No, it's nothing serious, Miles is just having one of his freak-outs. Yeah. Love you too."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "I have to have an operation. Maybe a couple. They have to wait for my nose to heal first, and then they're going to break it again."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "At least you'll still have a voice-over career."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "It's going to f*** that up too. I ought to sue her ass. The only reason I won't is to protect Christine."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "That's thoughtful."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "I can't lose Christine, Miles. I can't. I know I f***ed up, I know I did a bad thing, and I'm a bad person. But you gotta help me, Miles. You gotta help me. If I lose Christine, I -- I am nothing. I'm nothing."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "You don't understand my plight."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "I might be in love with another woman."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "In love? Really? 24 hours with some wine-pourer chick and you're f***ing in love? Come on. And you're gonna give up everything?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Here's what I'm thinking: you and me, we move up here, we buy a vineyard. You design the wine; I'll handle the business side. You get inspired, maybe write another novel, one that can sell."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Oh, my God. No, no."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "As for me, if an audition comes up, LA's right there, man. It's two hours away, not even."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Jesus Christ, you're crazy. You're crazy. You've gone crazy."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "All I know is that I'm an actor. All I have is my instinct. You're asking me to go against it."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Yo. Yo. Here's my boy. Here's my boy. But who's your daddy? Now who is your daddy?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Put me down, Jack."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "I'm so proud of you. Let me love you. So tell me everything. Details. I like details."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "No."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "What?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "It's private."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "You're kidding, right? Tell me what happened, you f***er, or I'll tie your dick in a knot."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Let's leave it alone."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "You didn't get any, did you? You're a homo."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "f***ing chick's married, man."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "What?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Her husband works a night shift or something, and he comes home and catches me on the floor with my cock in his wife's ass."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Oh, Jesus Christ."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Come here."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Uh. Huh."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "One for you."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Mmm."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Three for me."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Speak for yourself. I get chicks lookin' at me all the time. All ages. Dudes too."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Well, it's not worth it. You pay too big a price. It's never free."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "You need to get laid, Miles. You know what? That's going to be my best man gift to you this week. I'm gonna get you laid."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Wonderful."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "I'm not gonna get you a gift certificate or a pen knife or any of that other horse s***."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "I'd rather have a knife."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Somebody had to do the talking. And by the way, I was right. She's not married."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "How do you know?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "No rock. When she came to the bar, sans rock."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Oh, Stephanie, you bad girl."
  • (Sandra Oh) "I know, I need to be spanked."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Did you have trouble performing? Yeah, that's the s***."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "I'm trying to get you a little action, I'd appreciate a little help."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "You dick, why do you have to focus on the negative?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Christine's dad has really been talking to me about getting into the family business, showing me the ropes. Which is something, considering how long it took for him to get over my not being Armenian."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Did you drink and dial?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Listen, man. Cammi gets off in an hour, so I was thinking I'd just hang around and have a drink, and make sure she gets home safe."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "You're joking, right?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "No."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Un-f***ing-believable. Can't we just -- go back to the motel -- and hang out -- and get up early, play 9 holes of golf -- before we head home?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Listen, man. You're my friend, and I know you care about me. And I know you disapprove, and I respect that. But there are some things that I have to do that you don't understand. You understand literature, movies, wine -- but you don't understand my plight."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "There he is. There's my boy. But who's your daddy? Who is yo' daddy?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Consult your doctor before using this product. Side effects may include oily discharge, hives, loss of appetite, low blood pressure. If you have diabetes or a history of kidney trouble, you're dead, asshole."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Not now. Not now."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Bet ya that chick's two tons of fun. You know, the grateful type?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Man. That's tasty."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "That's 100% pinot noir. Single vineyard. They don't even make it any more."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Pinot noir?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Mmm-hmm."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Then how come it's white?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Oh, Jesus. Don't ask questions like that up in wine country. They'll think you're some kind of dumbs***, OK?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Are you still seeing that shrink?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "I saw him on Monday. I spent most of the time helping him with his computer."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Well, I say, f*** therapy. And what is that stuff you take -- Xanax?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "And Lexapro, yes."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Well, I say, f*** that too. You need to get your joint worked on, Miles."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "You gotta help me. You gotta help me."

Marylouise Burke as Miles Raymond

  • (Marylouise Burke) "You see, the reason that this region is so good for pinot, is that the cold air off the Pacific flows in at night and it just cools down the berries. Pinot's a very thin-skinned grape. It doesn't like constant heat or humidity. Very delicate."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Why didn't I get hurt?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "You were wearing your seatbelt."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "She tell you she was married?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Yeah."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "So what the f*** were you thinking?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Wasn't supposed to be back 'til six. f***er rolls in at five."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Okay, so what's the plan?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Uh -- the plan is -- you go."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "ME?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "'Cause of my ankle. Still hurts. Just go explain the situation, Miles."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Explain the situation? Yes. 'Excuse me, sir, my friend was the one balling your wife couple of hours ago. Really sorry. He seems to have left his wallet behind. I was wondering if I come in, just poke around, I don't know'"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Yeah, yeah, just like that. That's good."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "-- Are you chewing gum?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "What? No. No --"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "-- Spit it out."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "You're such a f***ing loser. You make me f***ing sick."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "No, don't open that now. No, no, no, no."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Why not?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Its warm. Jack, that is a 1992 Byron. Its really rare. Okay, I've been saving it. Please don't open it. Oh, Jack."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "A little citrus. Maybe some strawberry. Mmm. Passion fruit, mmm, and, oh, there's just like the faintest soupçon of like, uh, asparagus, and, there's a, just a flutter of, like a, like a nutty Edam cheese."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Let me show you how this is done. First thing, hold the glass up and examine the wine against the light. You're looking for color and clarity. Just, get a sense of it. OK? Uhh, thick? Thin? Watery? Syrupy? OK? Alright. Now, tip it. What you're doing here is checking for color density as it thins out towards the rim. Uhh, that's gonna tell you how old it is, among other things. It's usually more important with reds. OK? Now, stick your nose in it. Don't be shy, really get your nose in there. Mmm -- a little citrus -- maybe some strawberry --"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "-- passion fruit --"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "-- and, oh, there's just like the faintest soupçon of like asparagus and just a flutter of a, like a, nutty Edam cheese --"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Wow. Strawberries, yeah. Strawberries. Not the cheese --"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "What the f***? WHAT THE f***?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Hey, what should I wear?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "I don't know, something casual but nice. They think you're a writer."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "You f***ing derelict."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "I'm finished. I'm not a writer, I'm a middle school English teacher. Well, the world doesn't give a s*** what I have to say. I'm unnecessary. Ha. I'm so insignificant I can't even kill myself."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Miles, what the hell is that supposed to mean?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Come on, man. You know. Hemingway, Sexton, Plath, Woolf. You can't kill yourself before you're even published."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "What about the guy who wrote Confederacy of Dunces? He committed suicide before he was published. Look how famous he is."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Thanks."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Just don't give up, alright? You're gonna make it."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Half my life is over and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing. I'm a thumbprint on the window of a skyscraper. I'm a smudge of excrement on a tissue surging out to sea with a million tons of raw sewage."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "See? Right there. Just what you just said. That is beautiful. 'A smudge of excrement -- surging out to sea.'"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Yeah."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "I could never write that."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Neither could I, actually. I think it's Bukowski."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Did you read the latest draft, by the way?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Oh, yeah. Yeah."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "And?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "It's great. I mean there are so many improvements. It's much tighter, just seems -- I don't know, more congealed or something."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Mm-hmm. What about the new ending? Did you like that?"
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Oh, yeah. New ending vastly superior to the old ending."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "There is no new ending. Page 750 on is exactly the same."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Well -- maybe it just seemed new because everything leading up to it was so different?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Yeah, that must be it."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "It tastes like the back of a f***ing L.A. school bus. Now they probably didn't de-stem, hoping for some semblance of concentration, crushed it up with leaves and mice, and then wound up with this rancid tar and turpentine bulls***. f***in' Raid."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Tastes pretty good to me."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Now the cards are on the table."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Yes, they are."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "f***."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Despite your crass behavior, I'm actually glad we're getting this time together."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "This week is not about me. It is about you. I'm gonna show you a good time. We're gonna drink a lot of good wine. We're gonna play some golf. We're gonna eat some great food and enjoy the scenery and we are going to send you off in style, mon frere."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "And get your bone smooched."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Richebourg? She has a Richebourg? Holy Mackerel. I completely underestimated Stephanie. Aw, good lord, look at that."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Yeah, right. Yup, I'm a homo. Yeah. Yeah. Just make up whatever you want and that's what happened. Okay? Write out my gay confession and I'll sign it. Okay? Just stop pushing me all the time. You're an infant, Jack. This is all a big party for you -- but not for me."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "What about you?"
  • (Virginia Madsen) "What about me?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "I don't know. Why are you into wine?"
  • (Virginia Madsen) "Oh I -- I think I -- I originally got in to wine through my ex-husband."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Ah."
  • (Virginia Madsen) "You know, he had this big, sort of show-off cellar, you know."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Right."
  • (Virginia Madsen) "But then I discovered that I had a really sharp palate."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Uh-huh."
  • (Virginia Madsen) "And the more I drank, the more I liked what it made me think about."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Like what?"
  • (Virginia Madsen) "Like what a fraud he was."
  • (Virginia Madsen) "No, I- I like to think about the life of wine."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Yeah."
  • (Virginia Madsen) "How it's a living thing. I like to think about what was going on the year the grapes were growing; how the sun was shining; if it rained. I like to think about all the people who tended and picked the grapes. And if it's an old wine, how many of them must be dead by now. I like how wine continues to evolve, like if I opened a bottle of wine today it would taste different than if I'd opened it on any other day, because a bottle of wine is actually alive. And it's constantly evolving and gaining complexity. That is, until it peaks, like your '61. And then it begins its steady, inevitable decline."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Hmm."
  • (Virginia Madsen) "And it tastes so f***ing good."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Victoria and I used to like this view. You know, once we had a picnic here. We drank a '95 Opus One with smoked salmon and artichokes. But, we didn't care. Oh, man, she has the best palate of any woman I've ever known. She could even differentiate all different kinds of Italian wines."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Miles, there's something I gotta tell ya. Victoria's coming to the wedding."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Yeah, I know. You told me. I'm all right with it."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Yeah, but that's not the whole story. She got remarried."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "She what?"

Sandra Oh as Stephanie

  • (Sandra Oh) "You're getting married on Saturday?"

Missy Doty as Cammi

  • (Missy Doty) "The wallet. He's got Derek's wallet."
  • (Missy Doty) "And here are your handy wipes."
  • (Thomas Haden Church) "Oh, so that's what these are. For a minute there I thought you guys were promoting safe sex."

Shaun Duke as Mike Erganian

  • (Shaun Duke) "What is the subject of your book? Non fiction?"
  • (Marylouise Burke) "Uh, no. It's -- it's a novel. Fiction. Yes. Although there is quite a bit from my own life -- so I suppose that, technically some of it is nonfiction."
  • (Shaun Duke) "Good I like non fiction. There is so much to know about this world. I think you read something somebody just invented, waste of time."
  • (Marylouise Burke) "That's an interesting perspective."

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