(Article is below...)

So I Married an Axe Murderer Quotes

So I Married an Axe Murderer is a television program that first aired in 1970 . So I Married an Axe Murderer ended its run in 1970.

It features Robert N. Fried as producer, Bruce Broughton in charge of musical score, and Julio Macat as head of cinematography.

So I Married an Axe Murderer is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of So I Married an Axe Murderer is 93 minutes long. So I Married an Axe Murderer is distributed by TriStar Pictures.

The cast includes: Brenda Fricker as Stuart Mackenzie, Anthony LaPaglia as Tony Giardino, Brenda Fricker as May Mackenzie, Nancy Travis as Harriet Michaels, Amanda Plummer as Rose Michaels, Steven Wright as Pilot, Charles Grodin as Commandeered Driver, and Nancy Travis as Harriet.

So I Married an Axe Murderer Quotes

Amanda Plummer as Rose Michaels

  • (Amanda Plummer) "Let me make you some breakfast."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Oh, gee, you know, I'd love to. But you know, I'm really running late, but thanks."
  • (Amanda Plummer) "What would you say to silver-dollar pancakes, fresh-squeezed orange juice, bacon, and Kona coffee?"
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Well, that sounds great."
  • (Amanda Plummer) "Sorry. I didn't have those other things."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "No, no, that's fine. That other stuff will probably kill you -- whereas "Froot Loops" are light, and reasonably high in fiber. I care for "Apple Jacks" a great deal."
  • (Amanda Plummer) "Well -- you know Harriet."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Well, actually, I don't."
  • (Amanda Plummer) "But you did have sex with her."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Hello."

Nancy Travis as Harriet Michaels

  • (Nancy Travis) "I have a surprise for you."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "What is it?"
  • (Nancy Travis) "It's a health shake. And I made it especially for you. Try it."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Thank you, no. Thanks. Thanks."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Marry me."
  • (Nancy Travis) "No."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Please?"
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Maybe it is late. You know, I'll be honest with you, I had a really great time tonight and, uh, I'd really love to kiss you but I think that if I kiss you we'll end up kissing on the couch and if we end up kissing on the couch then chances are we'll kiss in the bedroom and if we kiss in the bedroom then, you know, tha-that's the part I always rush into and I just don't think it's a good idea to rush into spending the night together."
  • (Nancy Travis) "I wanna spend the night together."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "I have no problem with that."
  • (Nancy Travis) "Do you actually like haggis?"
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "No, I think it's repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "I'm afraid you're gonna ki; leave me."
  • (Nancy Travis) "That I'm gonna cleave you?"
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Tell me one bad thing that you've done, and it better be evil."
  • (Nancy Travis) "How evil?"
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Really evil. Like so evil, that you would say it was E-VEEL, like it's the FRU-ETS of the DEV-EEL. E-VEEL."
  • (Nancy Travis) "I could do anything to you in your sleep."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "What could you do?"
  • (Nancy Travis) "You know, anything. You're lying on your side, totally asleep, I could just -- Oh -- stick a needle in your --"
  • (Nancy Travis) "What do you look for in a woman you date?"
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Well, I know everyone always says sense of humor, but I'd really have to go with breast size."
  • (Nancy Travis) "So bright women intimidate you?"
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all. But it's a shame I'm going to have to destroy you."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "How many people have you brutally murdered?"
  • (Nancy Travis) "Well, brutal's a very subjective word. I mean, what's brutal to one person might be totally reasonable to somebody else."

Brenda Fricker as Stuart Mackenzie

  • (Brenda Fricker) "Fine. Go. You've stayed your hour."
  • (Brenda Fricker) "Wow, you've turned into a right sexy wee bastard. Do you know that?"
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "Thanks, Mrs. Mackenzie."
  • (Brenda Fricker) "Hasn't he?"
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Oh, I think so."
  • (Brenda Fricker) "Thirty years ago today, May and I were married. Some of you were there, some of you weren't born, and some of you are now DEED. But, we both said "I do," and we haven't agreed on a single thing since."
  • (Brenda Fricker) "That's true."
  • (Brenda Fricker) "But I'm glad I married you, May, because hey, could've been worse."
  • (Brenda Fricker) "Alright, give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in."
  • (Brenda Fricker) "Lighten up, Charlie. You've got a pickle up your ass again."
  • (Brenda Fricker) "We have a piper who's down. Repeat, Piper Down."
  • (Brenda Fricker) "Let's get pissed."
  • (Brenda Fricker) "Alright, we have a piper who's down. It's alright, he's just pissed. We have a piper down, I repeat, a piper is down."
  • (Brenda Fricker) "I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts. Now that was offside, wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow."
  • (Brenda Fricker) "Let's get pissed."
  • (Brenda Fricker) "Show her the picture of Charlie when he s*** his pants at Niagara Falls."
  • (Brenda Fricker) "HEED. PANTS. NOW."

Anthony LaPaglia as Tony Giardino

  • (Police Chief) "Tony? I don't want to intrude, but you seem a little down."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "Well, Captain, it's about my job."
  • (Police Chief) "Ah."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "I'm having doubts about being a cop. You know, it's not like how it is on TV. All I do all day is fill out forms and paperwork. I mean, this is what I do."
  • (Police Chief) "It's a point well taken, Tony. But you must understand, although it's not exciting, it's a very important part of our work."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "Yeah, but in all my times as a cop, I've never gotten to, like, chase a guy across a crowded city square. I've never -- I've never hung on to that part of a helicopter. You know that part? Underneath the thing that it lands? Do you, do you know that part?"
  • (Police Chief) "Yes, I know that part."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "I've never hung onto that. I've never even commandeered a vehicle."
  • (Police Chief) "Now that sounds like a lot of fun."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "And that's the other thing. You're too nice."
  • (Police Chief) "I'm too nice?"
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "Yeah, you're too nice. Why can't you be like the Captain on "Starsky and Hutch"? You know, when you come in, and you haul me into your office, and you bawl me out because you're sick and tired of defending my screwball antics to the Commissioner? Why cant you do that?"
  • (Police Chief) "Well, the truth of the matter is, I don't report to a Commissioner. I report to a committee. Some of whom are appointed, some elected, and the rest co-opted on a bi-annual basis. It's a quorum, so to speak."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "A quorum?"
  • (Police Chief) "Yeah."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "Captain, when I joined the police force, I thought I was going to be Serpico. But instead, I'm like -- Fish from Barney Miller."
  • (Police Chief) "Hey. Somebody needs a hug."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "So Tony, what's the deal with your clothes?"
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "What do ya mean?"
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "You look like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "What do ya mean? I look hip."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "No no no no no no, you look like an undercover cop TRYING to look hip."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "I AM an undercover cop trying to look hip."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "Charlie, two words: therapy."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Excuse me, miss? There seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the large cappuccino. Hello. Look at the size of this thing."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "It's practically a bowl."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "It's like Campbell's Cup-O'-ccino."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Oh, My sides. Please. Aidez-moi."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Tony, have you heard of this? Mrs. X? She murders her husbands on their honeymoons, then changes her identity and marries again."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "I never heard of it. So what?"
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "I think I'm dating Mrs. X."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "Larry Leonard, crooner, made a name for himself being able to sing in six different languages the song, "Only You."
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Yes, see?"
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "Charlie, does Harriett even know the words to Only You?"
  • (Charlie Mackenzie) "Well, I don't know Tony, we haven't reached that all too critical do you know the words to "Only You" phase in our relationship, so I'm afraid I'm not much help."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "What's the news?"
  • (Police Chief) "Oh, you wanna hear the news? Well, here's the news. It seems that the old lady that confessed to the murder of Ralph Elliot has also confessed to a couple of other murders."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "I knew she would. I knew it."
  • (Police Chief) "Yeah. Right. Well, she's confessed to the murders of Abraham Lincoln, Warren G. Harding and Julius Caesar. She's a nutcase. A nutcase."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "What are you doing? Wake up."
  • (Steven Wright) "Ooooh man. I was having an amazing dream."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "I don't care about your dream. Land the plane."
  • (Steven Wright) "I was just born, and -- I was eight-and-a-half months premature. The doctors were freakin' out."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "Oh please, shut up."
  • (Steven Wright) "Did I already tell you this dream?"
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "Excuse me sir, I'm with the San Francisco police department, this is official police business. I would like to commandeer this vehicle."
  • (Charles Grodin) "No."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "What do you mean, "no"?"
  • (Charles Grodin) "I happen to know for a fact that you don't have the right to commandeer my vehicle."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "Please, can I commandeer this vehicle?"
  • (Charles Grodin) "No."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "You're just; you're just not going to bend on this commandeering thing are you?"
  • (Charles Grodin) "No."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "How the hell do you even know if you're going in the right direction?"
  • (Steven Wright) "Instruments, instruments."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "Oh yeah? Yeah? What's that?"
  • (Steven Wright) "That's the artificial horizon, which is better than the actual horizon."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "I'm commandeering this car."
  • (Charles Grodin) "I happen to know you have no right to commandeer this car."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "Aw -- please?"
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "Hey listen. How long is it gonna take us to get there?"
  • (Steven Wright) "It shouldn't take very long."
  • (Steven Wright) "Actually I have no concept of time."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "Geez, is this dangerous?"
  • (Steven Wright) "No. Well, you know there's chance in everything."
  • (Anthony LaPaglia) "Look I don't wanna get too personal or anything but you've done this before, right?"
  • (Steven Wright) "Oh yeah, yeah. I do this all the time."
  • (Steven Wright) "I've never done it at night."

Add or Update Quotes

If you have a quote to add or change and want to let us know, please fill in the form below. Include the time in the film/video if possible so we can find it.

Additional Film and TV Quotes

Barney and Friends Quotes | Charmed Quotes | Alice in Wonderland (1985 film) Quotes | JAG (TV series) Quotes | The Matrix Revolutions Quotes | Super Mario Bros. (film) Quotes | Gerry (2002 film) Quotes | Séance on a Wet Afternoon Quotes | Dynasty (1981 TV series) Quotes | The Banana Splits Quotes | The Unsinkable Molly Brown (film) Quotes | The Pumpkin Eater Quotes | Love with the Proper Stranger Quotes | The L-Shaped Room Quotes | The Core Quotes | Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Quotes | Point of No Return (1993 film) Quotes | Porridge (TV series) Quotes | The Screen Savers Quotes | Buzz Lightyear of Star Command Quotes | The Blue Dahlia Quotes | Not the Nine O'Clock News Quotes | Drop the Dead Donkey Quotes | Sanford and Son Quotes | DuckTales Quotes |