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That '70s Show Quotes

That '70s Show is a Historical period drama sitcom that appeared on TV in 1998 on Fox Broadcasting Company. That '70s Show completed its run in 2006.

That '70s Show was on for 8 seasons and 200 episodes. It features flatlist, and * Alex Chilton; Chris Bell (musician) as theme composer. That '70s Show is executive produced by Caryn Mandabach; Marcy Carsey; Tom Werner. That '70s Show is created by Bonnie and Terry Turner; Bonnie and Terry Turner; Mark Brazill.

That '70s Show is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of That '70s Show is 22 minutes long. That '70s Show is produced by The Carsey-Werner Company and distributed by The Carsey-Werner Company.

The cast includes: Laura Prepon as Donna Pinciotti, Kurtwood Smith as Red Forman, Topher Grace as Eric, Danny Masterson as Steven Hyde, Debra Jo Rupp as Kitty Forman, Laura Prepon as Midge Pinciotti, Wilmer Valderrama as Fez, Kurtwood Smith as Red, Topher Grace as Laurie Forman, Laura Prepon as Donna, Tommy Chong as Leo, Don Stark as Bob Pinciotti, Laura Prepon as Nina, Topher Grace as Earl, Danny Masterson as Edna Hyde, Topher Grace as Bernice Forman, and Kurtwood Smith as Red Foreman.

That '70s Show Quotes

Danny Masterson as Steven Hyde

  • (Danny Masterson) "Hey, can we get a move on? If I miss that 20 midget free for all, I'm gonna be super-pissed."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Why did you kill me, Eric? I can never forgive you."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Look, Jackie. I know you were worried before so I just wanna let you know nothing happened on my end this weekend. I'm not telling you that so you'll tell me what you did. I just wanna let you know what happened with me. That's my report to you."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "All right. Good to know."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Good to know?"
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Did I stutter?"
  • (Kelso) "Well maybe we should check the School Morgue."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Kelso, the school doesn't HAVE a morgue."
  • (Kelso) "So what do we pay all those taxes for?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "You know what kills me? You do better in school than I do."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Steven, what happened?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "What? Nothing -- just -- somebody and then -- the guy said 'bitch' and there's nothing."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Oh, my God. He called me a bitch and you hit him. And that's what happened, isn't it?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "-- No?"
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Liar. I AM the bitch. And you LOVE me."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Forman, you have a responsibility to all of us. You have to find out what's under that smock."
  • (Michael Kelso) "I bet it's boobs."
  • (Danny Masterson) "So if Donna ever breaks up with you, and starts dating me, are we still friends?"
  • (Topher Grace) "No."
  • (Danny Masterson) "I love you."
  • (Coach Ferguson) "Well, well. Mr. Hyde, in school after hours? What are you trying to establish an alibi?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Coach Ferguson. Shouldn't you be out teaching boys to play with balls?"
  • (Ricky) "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Prison."
  • (Danny Masterson) "You know, Forman, I'm a romantic. So I say you choke him 'til his eyes pop out."
  • (Kelso) "Yeah. Hittin' people's cool."
  • (Pastor Dave) "Now, kids, you may think that God is a downer. But, he's an upper. Some get high on L.S.D., but I get high on G.O.D --"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Virgin."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Damn."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Oh. Kelso misses another one. I believe it's already H-O-R."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "That's right. You are a whore."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Oh, my god. You all hate Laurie?"
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me."
  • (Danny Masterson) "-- We all hate Laurie, all right."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Isn't it ironic that "titillating" has the word "tit" in it?"
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "You're coming over to my house tonight. And we're gonna -- "study"."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Come on. I never get to do anything fun."
  • (Danny Masterson) "God, you're dumb."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Well I guess that's why I gotta go "STUDY"."
  • (Danny Masterson) "So there it is. The clown's back. Everyone is happy and nobody went to jail. What a waste of time."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Oh man, see this is why I didn't wanna tell you. I knew you'd get all After School Special on me."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, you gotta stay sharp, man. That's why I keep myself pure 'til 3 o' clock --"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Two o'clock. That's why I keep myself pure until two o'clock."
  • (Danny Masterson) "I'm not even wearing a watch."
  • (Danny Masterson) "If you ask me, UNICEF is a scam."
  • (Laura Prepon) "If we ask you, everything is a scam."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Everything is a scam."
  • (Danny Masterson) "He's as dead as your Mayan forefathers."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "My forefathers were not Mayan."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Like anyone cares."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Yeah, I got it -- in the Ghetto."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Jackie, there's no ghetto here. There's like that one house that needs to be painted."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Ah, this is definitely gooder -- Gooder? Yeah, that's a word."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Hey, Fez, listen to this."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Tight pants can show off a man's derriere and show a woman heaven. Also, an open shirt can expose a sexy chest and show an enormous 'Joie De Vivre'."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Really? I always thought my 'Joie De Vivre' was in my pants."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Look man, I gotta talk to you about some things that happened while you were gone this summer."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Hyde, if this isn't about free ice cream, naked volleyball or a dog wearing a hat and sunglasses, I'd rather not know."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Don't worry, Donna. I mean, my parents splitting up made me the man I am today."
  • (Laura Prepon) "Aww, man. Am I gonna go crazy and think the government is out to get me, too?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "The government IS out to get you."
  • (Bud Hyde) "You look familiar. Do I know you?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "I sure hope so -- Dad."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Think about it. We hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this."
  • (Danny Masterson) "You're engaged. In Latin that means "screwed for life"."
  • (Danny Masterson) "If you really want to get under her skin you have to be Zen."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Zen? Okay you just can't make up words Hyde."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Hey guys, guess what I got?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "VD?"
  • (Michael Kelso) "No. A hundred bucks."
  • (Topher Grace) "So money to treat your VD."
  • (Danny Masterson) "School spirit is for losers man. You're just like floating along on the conveyer belt of conformity -- pep rallies, extra curricular activities, washing your hair -- It's all just a trap, man."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Secretly, I think they want it more than we do."
  • (Topher Grace) "Oh, you and your crazy conspiracies."
  • (Danny Masterson) "You know what your problem is? You're really cute, but nobody ever told you to shut your piehole."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "You think I'm cute?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Hold on, Kelso. Suddenly, you're too mature to go cruising for chicks with us, and you're going to the mall with Jackie?"
  • (Michael Kelso) "Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, I've come to realize that Jackie is the only girl I want to be with."
  • (Topher Grace) "Today?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "No offense Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever."
  • (Danny Masterson) "I'm gonna punish him the way my parents punish me."
  • (Topher Grace) "You're gonna leave him at the mall?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "No. I'm gonna milk this eye thing until he feels as bad as he should. And they didn't leave me at the mall. They forgot me. They were drunk."
  • (Danny Masterson) "It's no worse than bowling. But I don't hate bowling."
  • (Danny Masterson) "I told you to look where you were going."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "What idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?"
  • (Topher Grace) "You knocked over my space command center?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Look, Forman, if you give Donna that ring, she'll see the girl inside of you. And, you don't want to wake Erica up."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Yeah, Erica. That's classic. I'm lucky. You can't make a girl name out of Michael."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Oh, really, Michelle?"
  • (Michael Kelso) "Damn it. I forgot about Michelle. But, you know what, Forman? You should get Donna that promise ring. I'm gonna give one to Jackie too."
  • (Topher Grace) "Thank you, Kelso. Let's go get them, right now."
  • (Topher Grace) "See you later -- Damn it. What's a girl name for Hyde?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "It's Heidi, you morons."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Hey, if there wasn't some huge downside to doing something this stupid, it wouldn't be worth doing, ya know?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Well, Fez's play is about to start -- which means we have three more hours without his sorry ass. Let's eat his candy."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Kelso, women are like muffins, man. And once you've had a muffin, you will put up with ANYTHING to have another one. And they know that."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Man you went to the free clinic?"
  • (Kelso) "No, but I saw your mom there. BURN."
  • (Kelso) "OW. That left a mark. Like your mom did."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Let's see what your permanent record says about you, Jackie."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Go ahead. I have a perfect record."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Does anybody want to know what Jackie's middle name is?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Jackie's middle name is --"
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "I hate you. I hate you."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Her middle name is Beula."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Yeah, I'm so Brando."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Poor Forman, man. Working for Red. I wouldn't wish that on my enemies."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "I would. Those suckas must pay."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Not only did we break the law, we screwed our friends while breaking the law."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Anyone with a quarter?"
  • (Michael Kelso) "Me."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Damn, and I had a quarter."
  • (Danny Masterson) "I have got a solution to this whole you being a pain in my ass, we sharing a room thing. You move out."
  • (Topher Grace) "Of my room?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Yeah."
  • (Topher Grace) "Well, uh, that's just not going to happen."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Fine. I'll move out, you big baby."
  • (Topher Grace) "Still friends?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "I need time to heal."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Looks like Shelley has a thing for Foreman."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Yes, and Foreman has a thing for Shelley. And it's in his pants."
  • (Danny Masterson) "You know what's gonne make you feel better? A scrawny little neighbor boy."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Michael, call me later."
  • (Topher Grace) "Michael, do your Chico impression."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "-- please someone else talk now."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Kelso man, you're willing to cheat? You're in the house of the Lord. You're coming along nicely."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Yeah, I mean it's not that bad, because technically we're only in the basement of the Lord, and I'll bet he never comes down here."
  • (Kelso) "Guys; I just saw a UFO."
  • (Danny Masterson) "What an unbelievable coincidence. I was just telling Fez about how dumb you are."
  • (Danny Masterson) "At parties like this Fez, you collect the leftovers of all the unfinished drinks, and combine them to form on giant, uber-drink. In this case,a Tom Wallbanger Bloody Sunrise on the Beach."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Two girls in a phallic RV driving around handing out things you blow? What a great country."
  • (Danny Masterson) "It's hard hopping over a fence carrying two twelve packs. I mean, library books."
  • (Danny Masterson) "I've been living in the basement."
  • (Topher Grace) "You know? I did notice a dusting of curly hair on the floor. I just wrote if off to my changing teenage body."
  • (Danny Masterson) "We need to do something that says "We're not gonna stand for a corrupt electoral system". Something that will leave a mark."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, I know. A bloody coup."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Oh my god. He called me a bitch, and you hit him. And that's what happened, isn't it?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "No."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Liar. I am the bitch. And you love me."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Laurie -- yeah, me and her really had something, huh?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, ointment took care of that though, right?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Forman doesn't ever moon because it's impossible to moon when you have no ass."
  • (Danny Masterson) "The three TRUE branches of the government are military, corporate and Hollywood."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Hey Forman, did you realize that there's another room back there? Hey, and it barely stinks."
  • (Topher Grace) "Perfect. You can sit back there underneath your bare bulb and write angry letters to the government."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Oh, don't think I won't."
  • (Danny Masterson) "I got busted for possession."
  • (Tommy Chong) "Join the club."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, thanks."
  • (Tommy Chong) "No, I mean join the club, man. We meet every Thursday. We're trying to raise money for a field trip to Amsterdam."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Steven, do you really think we're a creepy, unnatural couple?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Come on. It's a crazy question. I mean, if this relationship wasn't just a little bit creepy and unnatural I wouldn't be in it."
  • (Roy) "I moved in with a wonderful woman."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Oh, what happened?"
  • (Roy) "She found out I was living there."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Everything I wanted to say was in that one punch. Come on."
  • (Michael Kelso) "That was a good one too. I peed myself a little on the way down."
  • (Danny Masterson) "She's not a "goddess", she's more an "earth-mother whore" type, which works for me."
  • (Bud Hyde) "Well time flies when you're"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Drunk?"
  • (Bud Hyde) "Well I was gonna say having fun but whatever."
  • (Danny Masterson) "I'd rather put on a dress and slow-dance with Kelso on 'Soul Train'."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Think about it, a world full of Kelsos. Libraries will fall into disrepair, there'd be feathered hair as far as the eye could see, we'll have to put padding on every sharp corner."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Hey, Forman. This movie better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm gonna be super-pissed."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Face it Forman, you're not a cheater -- a wise man once said "know thyself" and that man was Tater Nuts."
  • (Danny Masterson) "What is she doing here?"
  • (Tommy Chong) "I think she's hitting on me, man."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "What are you talking about?"
  • (Tommy Chong) "What are you talking about?"
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "What are you talking about?"
  • (Tommy Chong) "What are you talking about?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Whatever."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Oh, great. Steven."
  • (Tommy Chong) "What was she talking about?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, I'm going to go -- bird watching with my girlfriend."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Yeah, me and Jackie are going to go "BIRDWATCHING", too."
  • (Michael Kelso) "It's cool 'cause they don't know what we're talking about."
  • (Danny Masterson) "I think they cracked it."
  • (Danny Masterson) "No, no, I'm not walking. If God had wanted us to walk he wouldn't have given us Foreman."
  • (Danny Masterson) "We could go to Chicago and peddle Fez's ass for beer."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "I'm game."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Here are the facts: When the smoke hits the brain, the cells start dying. This process causes impaired judgment and hallucinations and a lot of other wonderful things."
  • (Danny Masterson) "I didn't do it to be nice. I did it because I wanted to commit a felony. Misdemeanors just ain't the rush that they used to be."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Steven. I can't believe it. Why can't you say anything to make me feel better?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Ok, I'm sorry. Why don't you get your dad a couple of cartons of cigarettes. That way, he won't be anybody's wife."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Jackie, come on. My mom said that to me when MY dad got arrested. I felt better, and we had a good laugh about it."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Government pawns and missing limbs. That's amore."
  • (Danny Masterson) "We got food, we got beer, we have zero percent adult supervision -- welcome to Camp Naughty Bad Fun."
  • (Michael Kelso) "I don't get Jackie. I mean, we were together for years, and the second I turn my back she off and frenches Hyde."
  • (Danny Masterson) "And by turning your back you mean ditching her for two months to have sex with random beach trash?"
  • (Michael Kelso) "Whatever, man. It's all about words with you."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Hey, let me tell you something, pal. You're proppin' up a dyin' system, man. You know some day soon people are gonna wake up. And they're gonny realize that most of us don't fit in your Hollywood, Madison Avenue, candy-coated ideal of what's cool. And when we do, we're gonna rise up. We're gonna put you on trial. Then parade through the streets with your head on a stick."
  • (The Bouncer) "Righteous political outrage -- You're in."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Hey Leo man, you all set?"
  • (Tommy Chong) "Totally, man, I got everything."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Great. Where's the camera?"
  • (Tommy Chong) "I got everything but the camera -- or the film -- or the flashcubes. Hee, I got nothin' man."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Leo man, the photohut is loaded with that stuff."
  • (Tommy Chong) "I know, it's ironic, isn't it?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "And yet not surprising."
  • (Danny Masterson) "That's the price you pay for docking your Love Boat in Jackie Vallarta."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Look man, if those jocks try to do this to you again, just come find me."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Thanks. You're my best friend. Let's hold hands."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Pimp gave you the holiday off, huh?"
  • (Topher Grace) "Yeah, he replaced me with your mom."
  • (Danny Masterson) "I hate cigars. This is way worse then what we usually do in the circle. It smells bad, it tastes rank, but there's no fun hallucinations. This should be illegal."
  • (Danny Masterson) "So, Bud, can we have a keg party here?"
  • (Bud Hyde) "Yeah -- sure. I'm cool with it. That's me -- cool dad --"
  • (Michael Kelso) "Yeah. Bud's the coolest."
  • (Topher Grace) "Yeah, Bud."
  • (Topher Grace) "Would you be my dad?"
  • (Topher Grace) "No, really."
  • (Topher Grace) "No, I'm serious."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Hey, Red. You have to sign this card for me."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "It says you're failing gym."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Yeah."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Why the hell are you failing gym?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Because I wouldn't wear shorts?"
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Why not?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Would you wear shorts?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "You should suspend me. I need a vacation."
  • (Danny Masterson) "My heart aches with pain. When I see you, I vomit. Die away from me."
  • (Kelso) "I'm not afraid either. There are laws to protect a man and his van."
  • (Danny Masterson) "For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847."
  • (Danny Masterson) "That's not the devil, it's Congress. They passed a law to put secret backward messages in our records, man. They wanna kill rock and roll because they know it makes us horny, man."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Horror movies turn on chicks faster than porno."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Really? Faster than that?"
  • (Michael Kelso) "Yeah. If only somebody would make a porno-horror movie."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Forman's first suspension -- I'm so proud."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Whoa, back up. Why'd he get suspended?"
  • (Laura Prepon) "Because he's stupid."
  • (Michael Kelso) "They can do that?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "I'm not a conspiracy nut. My gym and shop teachers started that rumor to discredit me."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "You know, Steven. This hatred thing you have for me, is just you protecting yourself."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Okay."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "It's true. You're afraid to reach the peaks of love, for fear of being dropped off a cliff. Well, I'm your safety line, Steven. So grab me."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Go grab yourself, freak."
  • (Danny Masterson) "I haven't done one stinking illegal thing since I got probation."
  • (Topher Grace) "What, so you're mad because you haven't been in any crimes since your last crime?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Kelso was right. Everyone's trying it."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "I'm telling you, this stuff's just isn't for cakes. It's great all by itself."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Wait, wait, wait."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Look at me. I'm whipped cream head. Fear me. All fear whipped cream head."
  • (Danny Masterson) "You gotta be Bruce Springsteeny. Springsteenian. Springteenicious. What were we talking about?"
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Oh, I understand. I mean, it's kind of like -- it's kind of like setting your hair. If you don't wait long enough, it's totally flat and blah like Donna's. But if you wait just the right amount of time then it's perfect, like mine. Steven, are you even listening to me?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "God help me, I am."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Go ahead and hit me. A free shot."
  • (Kelso) "You gonna hit me back?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "No, man. That's why they call it a free shot."
  • (Kelso) "Oh. OK. Get ready. Here it comes. It's coming. Get ready."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "We're ready. Do it, fool."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Maybe I do have feelings for Michael, but what am I supposed to do? He WAS my first boyfriend. And you know what? You're going to have to learn to deal with it, and if you can't, and you're going to have to break up with me because of it, I can't stop you. But I think it's a real waste because I love you."
  • (Danny Masterson) "I'm not saying it back."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "I DON'T CARE."
  • (Danny Masterson) "But if I didn't know you -- and I had never talked to you -- I'd think you were totally hot."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Ma, I'm going to the prom."
  • (Danny Masterson) "THEY'RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Gee, ma, you're making the moment too damn special."
  • (Danny Masterson) "I knew hooking up with Jackie was a big mistake but I did it anyway. That's what she does, man. She makes you stupid. I bet Kelso was composing symphonies before he met her."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Let's face it Forman. You're soft."
  • (Laura Prepon) "How soft is he, Hyde?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Softer than Liberace at the Playboy mansion."
  • (Kelso) "Yeah. Because he plays the piano -- wait --"
  • (Kelso) "OOOOH. BURN."
  • (Ricky) "So why do you want a job at Fatso Burger?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "To unionize the workers, man."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Donna, man, I feel like I want to kiss you."
  • (Laura Prepon) "Shut up and dance."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Face it, Forman, Donna has bad taste. I mean, look at her dad. The apple doesn't fall far from the Bob."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Being Kelso is like knowing the truth behind all the deceptions in society, but not being able to convince any of your fellow suburban friends that anything's wrong, man. No wait, that's me."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Hey, Fez, do you happen to have my money?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Actually, I do happen not to have your money."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Oh, really? Well, until you do --"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "My candy -- Oh, you'll get your money -- IN HELL."
  • (Danny Masterson) "They should've X-rayed your head at the hospital."
  • (Michael Kelso) "They did. And for your information, they found nothing."
  • (Danny Masterson) "You know, Forman, you ought to write a book. "Things My Dad Threatened To Put Up My Ass" -- "Chapter One: His Foot"."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Now stay away from those smokes, if you smoke when you're pregnant, they come out all spindly."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Act tough, Forman."
  • (Topher Grace) "I'm not tough."
  • (Danny Masterson) "That's why I said 'act.'"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Oh, my God -- what have I done?"
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "You've married a Vegas stripper. Congratulations. When Eric calls -- you're the town dumbass."
  • (Michael Kelso) "I spilt my soda -- Hyde. I don't know what to say."
  • (Danny Masterson) "How about 'ow'?"
  • (Michael Kelso) "Why would I say ow?"
  • (Michael Kelso) "Ow."
  • (Michael Kelso) "I get it."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Steven, do I really disgust you?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "No. I disgust me because I'm supposed to be disgusted by you but I'm not."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Me too. I mean, I like how scruffy you are."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Of course you do."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Would you shut up about that lame ass story?"
  • (Michael Kelso) "Well, it's the truth and I'll prove it. Let's go ask Fez."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Fine."
  • (Michael Kelso) "You drive, my van's in the shop."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Fine. I need gas though."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Fine. Can I borrow money for fries?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "No."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Fine. Shotgun."
  • (Danny Masterson) "There's only two of us you moron."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Fine."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Hey, Donna, you want some pie."
  • (Laura Prepon) "No, I don't want any stupid pie."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Hey, I didn't kiss her."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Look Foreman, I'll be in as much trouble as you are as soon as Edna sobers up."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Jackie, when you told me to be honest, I decided that I'm gonna be completely honest. I'm going to tell you the truth about everything I've ever lied to you about. I have a list that Hyde helped me put together. Thanks again, Hyde."
  • (Danny Masterson) "No problem, buddy."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Ok, but, why are they here?"
  • (Michael Kelso) "Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out, that it's not completely honest, unless your friends are allowed to watch."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Kelso, do you remember that time you thought you saw the abominable snowman?"
  • (Kelso) "Yeah --"
  • (Danny Masterson) "And what did it turn out to be?"
  • (Kelso) "Just a regular snowman --"

Wilmer Valderrama as Fez

  • (Michael Kelso) "Hey, guys, I got 10 pound balls."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hey, guys, my balls have holes in them."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Now why was that not funny?"
  • (Michael Kelso) "Yeah, Hyde's in jail. Hey guys, do you think that he's anyone's girlfriend yet?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Kelso, he's been in there for three hours. Of COURSE he's someone's girlfriend."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Some people call me the space cowboy --"
  • (Topher Grace) "No, nobody calls you like that. But if there were someone, then I'll be the space cowboy."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Please, Forman, if there's any space cowboy in this group it's me, and I'm also the midnight toker."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "If I have to leave this country, where am I going to go? France? f*** France."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Need a refill?"
  • (Burt) "Sure. Thanks."
  • (Burt) "When did they get a house boy?"
  • (Michael Kelso) "I miss Jackie, I can't eat, I can't sleep, well i can eat but --"
  • (Topher Grace) "Hey, what did we say, no crying in the circle"
  • (Michael Kelso) "I can't help it."
  • (Michael Kelso) "I need to tell her i didnt mean to cheat on her and that im sorry. I know, I'll write her a song"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Hey I kno how you can start it."
  • (Danny Masterson) "You don't love me anymore, caught me cheatin' with a whore. See cuz Laurie's the whore"
  • (Topher Grace) "My sister is such a whore"
  • (Michael Kelso) "Hey, guys, look. I have ten pound balls. That never gets old."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hey, guys. My balls are black and blue."
  • (Topher Grace) "Good one."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Niiice."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Funny."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Wow. My balls are finally funny."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "But how am I supposed to pay for my shoes?"
  • (Tommy Chong) "Just do what I do, man. Take money from the register when the boss isn't looking."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Leo -- Once again -- You are the boss."
  • (Tommy Chong) "And, I'm not looking."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Eric, what a glorious man-ring."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Thanks for getting me out of jail you 2 sons of 2 bitches."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Caroline, I have to break up with you."
  • (Caroline) "Why? Don't say it's because I'm crazy. I'm not crazy."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "No -- um -- it's because -- Donna and I are in love."
  • (Caroline) "WHAT?"
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Ewww --"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Please tell her, Donna -- Please?"
  • (Laura Prepon) "What if she tries to kill me?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "You're a giant, you can take her."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "No, Donna, please don't crush me, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaase."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "I wonder what's up with Jackie. She looks scared -- like a deer in the headlights caught with its pants down."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "We've been here for like 2 hours, and we've only moved like two feet."
  • (Michael Kelso) "If you think the lines at the DMV are long, you should see the free clinic. Now there's a wait."
  • (Michael Kelso) "How dumb was he to give me the car keys? I mean, who in here trusts me?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Not me."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Not me."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Not me, man."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Thank you."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "This suit is for leisure. But many times I wear it to get down to business."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, and guess what? They looked into my records and discovered my visa expires after I graduate from high school. That means I'm going to be deported. Thanks a lot, you guys. Now I have to relearn my native language."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "I'm going to spend the rest of my American money on candy and porno."
  • (Laura Prepon) "But, Fez."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "I said candy and porno."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Thanks for getting me out of jail, you two sons of two bitches."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "I'm confused. What's going on?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "You see, Donna, as a creative artist, wrote her story to get some perspective on her life. Forman, as a vindictive ass, wrote his story to be a vindictive ass."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "You know, in my country, if a woman beats you, it makes her want you."
  • (Topher Grace) "Really?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Yes, but this is America. Wuss."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "I have a question Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "There's no such thing as too much, Fez."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "I am so excited about Star Whores."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Fezzy, man -- Star Wars."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Screw that."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh Eric, you do not buy soda. You only rent it --"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "-- You know what I mean --"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "-- I mean you pee it out."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "So Barbra Streisand became this huge star, right? But Kris Kristofferson could not take it anymore, so he drinks and drinks and crashes his car. Isn't that romantic?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Say, "Yes, it is.""
  • (Michael Kelso) "Yes it is."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Oh, I just love romantic movies, don't you?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) ""Yes, I do.""
  • (Michael Kelso) "Yes, I do."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had a reservoir when we went skinny-dipping. Remember?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) ""No, describe it to me.""
  • (Michael Kelso) "No, describe it to me."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Michael, you're so bad. Okay, the water was really cold, so when I dove in, well you know."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "No, I don't know."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "MICHAEL."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Jackie you seem different. I don't know if its your hair, your outfit -- Or your red puffy eyes."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "If we were in my country I'd string you from the tallest tree."
  • (Danny Masterson) "We're not in your country."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Right. So good luck with Donna."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Guys, I'm in pain."
  • (Laura Prepon) "Yeah, I know, Fez. It hurts when a girl you like ignores you."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "No. I mean I kissed her, and now I am in PAIN."
  • (Laura Prepon) "Eww."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "My Green Card, I kept it in my right shoe for safe keeping, I even make up a rhyme to help me remember, my green card in my right shoe something something right shoe."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Kelso wants to give you the ring, but he's scared."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Why is he scared?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Because you're scary."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Poor Hyde. You are in love with Donna and she's with your good friend Eric."
  • (Danny Masterson) "So what?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "So it's the saddest story in the world."
  • (Danny Masterson) "You know what? I had a chance, and I didn't take it."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Is he going to moon me? Oh, great, he's going to moon me."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Who are you?"
  • (Rhonda) "Fez, it's me Rhonda."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "So do you want to have a hot-dog eating contest?"
  • (Rhonda) "No. It's not kosher."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Who said?"
  • (Rhonda) "They did."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, really?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "What have you meddling whores done to my Rhonda?"
  • (Laura Prepon) "I've got to tell you, Fez it was all Jackie's idea. She wouldn't let her pee."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "You said she was a sasquatch."
  • (Laura Prepon) "So did you."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Guys, I was making out with Pam Macy in the orchestra pit. And -- the worst thing that could happen to a guy happened."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Ohhhh. Mr. Cooper came in to wash the floors?"
  • (Michael Kelso) "No."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Fez, I think what Kelso meant to say was -- the rabbit wouldn't come out of his hat."
  • (Topher Grace) "The weasel wouldn't pop out."
  • (Michael Kelso) "OK, ENOUGH."
  • (Topher Grace) "Oh, wait. There's a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn."
  • (Danny Masterson) "That's a good one Forman."
  • (Topher Grace) "I know, it just came to me."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants."
  • (Michael Kelso) "This can't be happening to me."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, don't worry Kelso. I'm really sorry -- SORRY YOU'RE NOT A MAN."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "That's not a tater tot -- that's a tater giant."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Guys, Rhonda said she wanted to share something with me, tonight. That means we are going to do it."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Nice."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "But, I have a problem. I have no place to do it in. I need someplace cheap and roomy -- just like my Rhonda."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hello, House of Chicken? How big are your wings?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Breasts."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh. How big are your breasts?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "This is Fez. Who is this?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "My gosh, Buddy. With a car like that, you must be knee deep in whores."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hyde and Jackie sitting in a tree, they're in love like two monkeys"
  • (Danny Masterson) "That's not even how it goes."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Well, is it making you mad?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Yes."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Then, that's how it goes."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Yeah, I guess it was wrong, what I did with Laurie, but I was just amusin' myself, you know? And that's the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "-- unless it starts to chafe. Then you should take a week off."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Mrs. Forman, I'm sorry. I washed my face with your ovaries."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Whenever I look at naked ladies, I get really tired. Then I get my second wind, and then I want to look at more naked ladies."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Well, hello there, pretty lady. Who might you be?"
  • (Laura Prepon) "That's my sister. And, she's 14."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "You know, in my country --"
  • (Danny Masterson) "It's illegal here."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Stop touching each other. It gives me needs --"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "What do you miss about her, Kelso? All she ever did was call you names. Heck, I can do that for you. You idiot. See?"
  • (Kelso) "Aw, thanks, Fez."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "When is it Fez's turn? Where is my whore?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Eric, you better do what he says. I've been on the other side of Fenton's stick. And trust me, that is not the side you wanna be on."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Opportunity does not knock, then knock again, then leave a note saying "sorry I missed you"."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, it's so stinky. What are we going to do with it?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Simple, man. We're going to find a place to hide the stinky, and ruin someone's day. The question is where, how, and who?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "The answer is there, that, and Kelso."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "These after-school specials are thrilling. Who knew that one beer could turn a cheerleader into a whore?"
  • (Rhonda) "Relax. We're all part of the gang."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "No, no, no. You're not part of this gang. You can't be a part of this gang. I had to kiss butt for a year to be a part of this gang."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "That was you being nice ?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Don't you want to know what I have to say?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Man, I never know what you have to say. I mean, in your head you're speaking English, but when it comes out its all buzzes and clicks."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Mmm -- liquid candy."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Crack a book, you lazy son-of-a-bitch."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Well, the beer is stronger. And as a result, their women look prettier."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Then let's HAUL ASS TO CANADA."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Okay, that's it. You must let me in."
  • (The Bouncer) "Why?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Because I feel the hard rhythm of disco burning in my loins."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Ah, they have finally left. Now it's just the three of us."
  • (Topher Grace) "That's great, Fez."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, I get it. If I was gone you two would kiss. Ah, life's a bitch, huh?"
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Fez, you are like, an amazing dancer."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Actually, Jackie -- YOU are the reason I am amazing."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Look, my first snowball. I love snow so much, my fingers are numb with joy."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "There's a tornado coming. Oh my god, I'm going to die a virgin."
  • (Rhonda) "-- Not if I have anything to say about it."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "You can talk all you want, there's a tornado coming."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, the ladies want a piece of Fez."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "I want Michael to give me that stupid promise ring."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Look, Jackie, Kelso is very sensitive."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Girlish, even."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "So, he just wants to wait for the right time to give it to you."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "You know what, Fez? You're right. I'll give him time."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "WHERE'S MY RING, YOU IDIOT?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "I know that I just met her Mr. Red, but I love her. She is -- sturdy. I want to climb her."
  • (Michael Kelso) "The truth is out there, man, it's out there."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "No more for you."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Do you know what's a good job for me -- Gigolo. The loving is over. Now pay me."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "AH. This is tomorrow's school paper. Oh my god, on the front page, there's a picture of me kissing Kelso by the lake."
  • (Topher Grace) "Fez why are you kissing Kelso by the lake?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "We caught a fish, I was excited. I kissed the fish too, but of course they don't show you that."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hey, are you naked or are you just happy to see me?"
  • (Laura Prepon) "Oh, my God, Fez."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, my God, Donna."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Don't worry, just turn on the charm --"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hey, nice honkers."
  • (Laura Prepon) "Get out of here."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "That Tomas is shady. But have you noticed, he never says what country he's from?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "What country are you from?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "What country are YOU from?"
  • (Danny Masterson) "America."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Fine, mystery solved."
  • (Michael Kelso) "There are a lot of other hot older women out there besides Midge. And they deserve our respect."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Yes, I would love to make love to an 80-year old. They must know everything. Not just about sex, but history and trivia, too."
  • (Mr. Wilkinson) "Bloody hell- is that my mailbox?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Bloody hell is that me mailbox?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Look at this, Jackie brings four different types of mascara just to please Kelso. And what does Kelso bring? Another woman."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "But if you don't tell Donna how you feel, then you will regret it."
  • (Danny Masterson) "I'm going to the Vineyard."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Good for you."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hey, guys. I was just showing Caroline the backseat of my Vista Cruiser."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Fez, that's not your car."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Yeah, Fez. Foreigners aren't allowed to drive cars in this country, unless it's a cab."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "You know Jackie, if you're in the market for a new lover, they say once you go Fez, you never go back. In my language that rhymes."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "I just wish that there was someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Well, that's Canada -- Yup, good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they're too busy playin' hockey or gettin' drunk or puttin' maple syrup on their ham."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "Wow, my first X-rated movie. I don't know what's going on, but that is the luckiest pizza boy ever."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Man, it's great to be under somebody's thumb again."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "What did your mother do to you?"
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "People are so friendly around here. The women on the corner just offered to have sex with me."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, for money Fez."
  • (Wilmer Valderrama) "I could not ask them for money -- or could I?"

Kurtwood Smith as Red

  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Once again, an open bar spells disaster for the Foreman family."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Why here? Why is it always here?"
  • (Debra Jo Rupp) "Well, what do you want them to do? Throw the party in the street?"
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Yes. They puke in the street, the city cleans it up."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Look at this. First day of deer season."
  • (Topher Grace) "Rabbit season."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Duck season."
  • (Topher Grace) "Rabbit season."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Duck seaon."
  • (Topher Grace) "Rabbit season"
  • (Danny Masterson) "Duck season."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Hey, Ali Baba. Close Sesame."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Let's not talk about it in front of the boy."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "This is a smoke detector."
  • (Michael Kelso) "Does that detect any type of smoke?"
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "When my time comes I want to be buried face down. That way whoever doesn't like me can kiss my ass."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Earl, I didn't make you too dumb to flip burgers. It's God fault."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "If I don't make it, kill the foreign kid."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Ah, my job, and my little girl."
  • (Topher Grace) "Ok, so I'm here too, dad."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Oh, and uh, speaking of you, I told Millbank's son David to come by and see you."
  • (Topher Grace) "David Millbank? Dad, I hated that guy."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Yeah, well, I hate his dad. But, I smile like hell whenever I see him."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "You mean with that ungrateful daughter, our dumbass son, and that drunk foreign kid"
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "it was better than last year."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Forman, party of two."
  • (Unnamed) "Okey dokey, that'll be about two hours."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Here's twenty bucks."
  • (Unnamed) "Okay we'll have something in fifteen minutes."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "You don't want this place to burn down twice do you?"
  • (Unnamed) "Okay we have something right now."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "I thought so. Well, it looks like it's our lucky night."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Penny, you're cold. Go get a sweater."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Eric, do I have to tell you to stop staring at your cousin?"
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "You know all that rent money you've been giving us? I've been putting it all in a bank account for your college fees -- or bail."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "You know, maybe instead of finding another idiot to hang out with, you might think about unloading a few."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Like you."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "And you."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "And you."
  • (Topher Grace) "I'm your son."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Hey, I treat everyone as equals."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "You know, I was hoping when they'd move to Arizona, they would get lost in the desert."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "This is how it starts, you know. First they're dating and having fun, and then the next thing you know, they're prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold, dead hands."
  • (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh, honey. They're not going to get married. He'll leave her when she gets pregnant."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Kitty, why is it we always do what you want to do and never do what I want to do?"
  • (Debra Jo Rupp) "It's in the Bible."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "I'm the richest man in Church."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "If you ever do anything like that again, I will kick your ass so hard, your nose will bleed."
  • (Debra Jo Rupp) "And we love you."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein."
  • (Topher Grace) "Gee, thank you daddy."
  • (Michael Kelso) ""Thank you"? Einstein was ugly."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass."
  • (Kelso) "Hey, hold on a second. Am I the pretty boy moron?"
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Yes."
  • (Kelso) "Cool, because that's the best one."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "What's going on?"
  • (Michael Kelso) "Nothing. Just a classic case of Hand-Stuck-In-Vase."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Well, if you don't get your hand out of there, you're gonna have a classic case of Foot-Stuck-In-Ass."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Aw, Kitty, you think that she's all grown up. But there's still a lot that she doesn't know. I mean, what if her place doesn't have a deadbolt, or a smoke detector?"
  • (Debra Jo Rupp) "Red, you don't have to baby her. She's twenty."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "You're never too old to burn to death in a fire."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "That thing was always messing in my yard and going through my trash."
  • (Topher Grace) "Now we have Hyde for that."
  • (Danny Masterson) "Oh yeah Laurie, and what exactly do you do? Oh that's right, the Packers."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "What have I said about comparing your sister to the Devil?"
  • (Topher Grace) "That it's offensive to the Devil?"
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "You know what the great thing about whistling is? It's that you can stop whistling."
  • (Topher Grace) "Oh. Sorry."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Hey, bend at the knees or else I'll --"
  • (Topher Grace) "Kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah, yeah."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Geez, and I didn't think you were listening. Oh, and I need you to re- sticker the clock radios. They're on sale."
  • (Topher Grace) "Yeah, I saw the flyer. I already took care of it."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Really? Well, way to take initiative."
  • (Topher Grace) ""Way to take initiative -- "? What are you up to?"
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Nothing. I just think you did a good job."
  • (Topher Grace) "Okay. But I'm watching you."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Stop being weird."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "I'm proud of you."
  • (Debra Jo Rupp) "And that goes double for -- what the hell did you say?"
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Quick, I need a wet towel and a Bloody Mary."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Your mother is talking about adopting a communist orphan. HURRY, DAMMIT."
  • (Bull) "So, I hear your plant's closing down."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Yeah, you can't compete with those damn foreign imports. You know, if I had seen this coming, I would've shot a little straighter during the war."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Bud, being a teenager is like being in a war. One minute, you're crawling around blind. Next minute, you get your foot blown off."
  • (Bud Hyde) "I wouldn't know anything about that. Never been to war. I was a conscientious."
  • (Bud Hyde) "Uhh -- Canadian."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Donna just came through hear looking pretty upset. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"
  • (Topher Grace) "No. I mean, she was fine just a minute ago when we were down -- oh, you already know, don't you?"
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Of course I know."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "What the hell is going on?"
  • (Topher Grace) "Dad, it was just a prank that went wrong. Horribly -- horribly wrong."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Really? Well I have a prank too. One where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go horribly, horribly wrong."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Dumbass."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "So you just be grateful that your Dad doesn't yell at you 24-hours-a-day. And don't give me that look, because this isn't yelling. When I yell, you'll know it."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Thanks for the help. You seem to have a natural talent for handling luggage."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Let me get this straight; Donna told you she wanted to get back together and you said NO?"
  • (Topher Grace) "I said no."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "What the Hell is wrong with you?"
  • (Debra Jo Rupp) "Dumbass."
  • (Topher Grace) "Look, I have my reasons, okay?"
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "What the Hell could they possibly be?"
  • (Topher Grace) "Casey dumps Donna and then Donna comes running back to ME? Look, I'm not a rebound, All right?"
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "You're too PROUD to take her back? What exactly do you have to be proud OF? You're not an athelete. The only thing smart about you is your mouth. And, well -- look at you."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "You morons just hung a vacancy sign on your asses and my foot's looking for a room."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "So, this is how an immature, engaged, high school dumbass, with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges."
  • (Danny Masterson) "That was like eight burns in one sentence."
  • (Laura Prepon) "An octo-burn. Let's get outta here."
  • (Mitch Miller) "Eric, I didn't take your action figure."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Doll."
  • (Topher Grace) "ACTION FIGURE."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Look, Jackie. I don't what to say except -- your dad's rich, isn't he?"
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Yeah."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Well, you can use that to get him out of prison."
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Oh, my god. That's such a good idea. I'll do that. You know, it's true. In this country, the rich get treated better than most people."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "Yeah."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "I'm so glad I took some shrapnel to make that possible --"
  • (Jackie Burkhardt) "Me too."
  • (Kurtwood Smith) "You know, Steven, you're a smart guy. You really s

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