That '70s Show (season 2) Quotes

That '70s Show is a TV program that first aired in 1999 on Fox Broadcasting Company. That '70s Show stopped airing in 2000.

That '70s Show was on for 26 episodes.

The cast includes: Laura Prepon as Donna Pinciotti, Ashton Kutcher as Michael Kelso, Kurtwood Smith as Red Forman, Topher Grace as Eric, Mila Kunis as Jackie Burkhardt, Danny Masterson as Steven Hyde, Debra Jo Rupp as Kitty Forman, Tanya Roberts as Midge Pinciotti, Marion Ross as Frank, Ashton Kutcher as Kelso, Wilmer Valderrama as Fez, Maud Adams as All, Kurtwood Smith as Red, Lisa Robin Kelly as Laurie Forman, Laura Prepon as Donna, Tommy Chong as Leo, Don Stark as Bob Pinciotti, Laura Prepon as Nina, Mila Kunis as Burt, Ashton Kutcher as Earl, Jenilee Harrison as Caroline, Danny Masterson as Edna Hyde, Topher Grace as Bernice Forman, Marion Ross as Bryan, Melissa Joan Hart as Roy, and Kurtwood Smith as Red Foreman.

That '70s Show Quotes

Mila Kunis as Jackie Burkhardt

• (Mila Kunis) "Donna, are you OK?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Yeah."
• (Mila Kunis) "How can you be OK? There's a college woman sleeping in Eric's bed."
• (Laura Prepon) "Jackie, Eric's sleeping in the basement."
• (Mila Kunis) "Donna, stairs can't stop a high school horn dog. Barbed wire can't stop a high school horn dog. A wall of fire can't stop a high school horn dog."

• (Mila Kunis) "Don't pity me because I'm beautiful."
• (Laura Prepon) "I pity you because you're dumb."

• (Mila Kunis) "Oh my god. He called me a bitch, and you hit him. And that's what happened, isn't it?"
• (Danny Masterson) "No."
• (Mila Kunis) "Liar. I am the bitch. And you love me."

• (Rhonda) "Relax. We're all part of the gang."
• (Mila Kunis) "No, no, no. You're not part of this gang. You can't be a part of this gang. I had to kiss butt for a year to be a part of this gang."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "That was you being nice ?"

• (Mila Kunis) "How do you feel about his hair?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Love it, lots of body."
• (Mila Kunis) "And his body?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Love it, lots of hair."

• (Mila Kunis) "Oh, my god. You all hate Laurie?"
• (Mila Kunis) "I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me."
• (Danny Masterson) "-- We all hate Laurie, all right."

• (Mila Kunis) "I'd like to pop that inflatable bitch and watch her fly around the room."

• (Mila Kunis) "Why won't Steven love me? I wish my daddy could buy him for me --"

• (Mila Kunis) "So, what kind of career do you see yourself in?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Well, I was considering becoming a doctor --"
• (Mila Kunis) "A doctor? Ooh, that's so mature."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Or, a rodeo clown."

• (Mila Kunis) "Yeah, I got it -- in the Ghetto."
• (Danny Masterson) "Jackie, there's no ghetto here. There's like that one house that needs to be painted."

• (Mila Kunis) "Hyde? Fez? -- MICHAEL."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Oh good, it's Hyde, Fez, and Michael."

• (Mila Kunis) "Michael, how come she has a key and I don't have one?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Well -- Uhh -- It's not because nobody wants you to have one. That's for sure."

• (Mila Kunis) "Oh Michael, you're prettier than Bowie."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "I'm prettier than you."

• (Mila Kunis) "God, it's so hard being with a real man. Donna, you should be glad you're with Eric."

• (Mila Kunis) "Donna's mouth is as big as her feet."

• (Mila Kunis) "If somebody doesn't tell me I'm cute in the next five minutes, my head will explode."

• (Mila Kunis) "Oh, I understand. I mean, it's kind of like -- it's kind of like setting your hair. If you don't wait long enough, it's totally flat and blah like Donna's. But if you wait just the right amount of time then it's perfect, like mine. Steven, are you even listening to me?"
• (Danny Masterson) "God help me, I am."

• (Mila Kunis) "Being a model was my and Michael's dream -- for me."
• (Topher Grace) "Hmmm -- In your fantasy you're a model, and Kelso's -- not there. In reality Kelso's a model, and you sell cheese. Interesting --"

• (Mila Kunis) "So Barbra Streisand became this huge star, right? But Kris Kristofferson could not take it anymore, so he drinks and drinks and crashes his car. Isn't that romantic?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Say, "Yes, it is.""
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yes it is."
• (Mila Kunis) "Oh, I just love romantic movies, don't you?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) ""Yes, I do.""
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yes, I do."
• (Mila Kunis) "You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had a reservoir when we went skinny-dipping. Remember?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) ""No, describe it to me.""
• (Ashton Kutcher) "No, describe it to me."
• (Mila Kunis) "Michael, you're so bad. Okay, the water was really cold, so when I dove in, well you know."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "No, I don't know."
• (Mila Kunis) "MICHAEL."

• (Mila Kunis) "You know, Steven. This hatred thing you have for me, is just you protecting yourself."
• (Danny Masterson) "Okay."
• (Mila Kunis) "It's true. You're afraid to reach the peaks of love, for fear of being dropped off a cliff. Well, I'm your safety line, Steven. So grab me."
• (Danny Masterson) "Go grab yourself, freak."

• (Mila Kunis) "I want Michael to give me that stupid promise ring."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Look, Jackie, Kelso is very sensitive."
• (Danny Masterson) "Girlish, even."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "So, he just wants to wait for the right time to give it to you."
• (Mila Kunis) "You know what, Fez? You're right. I'll give him time."
• (Mila Kunis) "WHERE'S MY RING, YOU IDIOT?"

• (Mila Kunis) "Man, I just totally forgot why I was laughing. Isn't that funny?"
• (Topher Grace) "Okay -- no more for the cheerleader."

• (Mila Kunis) "It's just a meaningless fling, okay? We can stop whenever we want."
• (Topher Grace) "Well, then maybe you should."
• (Mila Kunis) "Why do you even care?"
• (Topher Grace) "BECAUSE YOU'RE BREAKING UP THE BAND, YOKO."

• (Mila Kunis) "Steven, do I really disgust you?"
• (Danny Masterson) "No. I disgust me because I'm supposed to be disgusted by you but I'm not."
• (Mila Kunis) "Me too. I mean, I like how scruffy you are."
• (Danny Masterson) "Of course you do."

• (Mila Kunis) "Once when Michael cheated on me I got some flowers from a secret admirer and it really cheered me up. I mean, I sent them to myself but it's the thought that counts, right?"

• (Mila Kunis) "Donna, sex is how we control men. If they know we like it as much as they do, we'll never get jewelry again."

• (Mila Kunis) "So you know what? I am done making an ass out of myself for you or any guy. I'm done with guys completely."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Hear that, Hyde? We screwed her up so bad she's switching to chicks. How awesome are we?"

• (Mila Kunis) "Well, all the best quotes are about the things that means a lot to you, like for example me. My hair. Or my personality. Or the sparkle I bring to your dull, grey, lives."
• (Danny Masterson) "Or, the feeling of relief we get, when you leave the room."

• (Mila Kunis) "Steven. I can't believe it. Why can't you say anything to make me feel better?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Ok, I'm sorry. Why don't you get your dad a couple of cartons of cigarettes. That way, he won't be anybody's wife."
• (Danny Masterson) "Jackie, come on. My mom said that to me when MY dad got arrested. I felt better, and we had a good laugh about it."

• (Mila Kunis) "Well, if Donna's not gonna be here, neither am I."
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, Jackie, I'm sorry. What I meant was -- BYE."

• (Mila Kunis) "Michael, why am I not in the loop? Why is she in the loop?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Uhh -- Jackie, I don't know what loop it is you're talking about. But, if she's in it, I don't think there's any room for you."

• (Mila Kunis) "Look, I need to know that he's really changed. I need to test him somehow."
• (Laura Prepon) "I agree."
• (Mila Kunis) "You do?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Absolutely. If you get back with Kelso, you better have him tested."

• (Mila Kunis) "Steven, do you really think we're a creepy, unnatural couple?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Come on. It's a crazy question. I mean, if this relationship wasn't just a little bit creepy and unnatural I wouldn't be in it."

• (Mila Kunis) "Ah, come back here. Nobody ignores "Jurkie Barkheart." I am adorable, I'm encouraging, and I'm damn likeable and if you're too stupid too see that then I feel sorry for you."
• (Mila Kunis) "'Cause if anyone should be the center of attention it's me."
• (Laura Prepon) "Jackie."
• (Mila Kunis) "Get off me."
• (Mila Kunis) "What the hell is a "boobsout"?"

• (Mila Kunis) "Michael, I told you about Eric so you could help him, not make fun of him."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah, but it's hard to help someone and burn him at the same time."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Oh, come on, Jackie, it's funny. I mean, he must have been really bad."
• (Mila Kunis) "So were you."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "OK, I don't think you know what you're saying because you called me your "Apollo Rocket of Love.""
• (Mila Kunis) "But the way I said it was"
• (Mila Kunis) ""Oh, Michael, you my regular Apollo Rocket of Love.""
• (Ashton Kutcher) "OK, I'm not hearing a difference."

• (Mila Kunis) "Look, the sooner you realize I'm a genius, the better off we'll both be."

• (Mila Kunis) "So, Michael cheated on me with Laurie, and Laurie cheated on him. There is a God, and he's on MY SIDE."

• (Mila Kunis) "Let's go Michael. To a place where our love is understood."
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, and while you're there, check out the new monkey house."

• (Mila Kunis) "Oh my god, I told her that, it was me. I saved the day."

• (Mila Kunis) "Well, I have a date too."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Who is he? What's his name?"
• (Mila Kunis) "His name is -- not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every single conceivable way."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "DAMN, JACKIE. THAT COULD BE ANYBODY."

• (Mila Kunis) "Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore."
• (Topher Grace) "Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page."
• (Laura Prepon) "Me too."
• (Danny Masterson) "Hear hear."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Yes."
• (Mila Kunis) "Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?"
• (Mila Kunis) "I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me."
• (Danny Masterson) "-- We all hate Laurie, all right."

• (Mila Kunis) "Maybe I do have feelings for Michael, but what am I supposed to do? He WAS my first boyfriend. And you know what? You're going to have to learn to deal with it, and if you can't, and you're going to have to break up with me because of it, I can't stop you. But I think it's a real waste because I love you."
• (Danny Masterson) "I'm not saying it back."
• (Mila Kunis) "I DON'T CARE."

• (Mila Kunis) "Your mom can't hang out with Donna. Don't you know what women talk about when they're alone?"
• (Topher Grace) "Sugar and spice and everything nice?"
• (Mila Kunis) "That's what we're made of, you dumbass."

• (Mila Kunis) "Ok, Donna, I got us a double date."
• (Laura Prepon) "Who?"
• (Mila Kunis) "Firemen."
• (Laura Prepon) "They're, like, 40 years old."
• (Mila Kunis) "So, what? Don't ruin this for me, Donna. This is just like my play."
• (Mila Kunis) "This is my friend Donna. She's just being a wet blanket."
• (Unnamed) "So, what do you girls do?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Oh, you know -- WE'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL."
• (Unnamed) "Okay -- What are your interests?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Oh, you know -- HIGH SCHOOL GUYS."

Topher Grace as Eric

• (Topher Grace) "You know Donna, you're a great study buddy. You make studying fun."

• (Topher Grace) "Kelso, aren't you a little old to be stealing Donna's undies?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "A collector never stops collecting, Eric."

• (Topher Grace) "Hey Hyde, this is a cool place for a party. It's already trashed."

• (Topher Grace) "Who's the prude now? My ass is swinging baby. Woohooo."

• (Topher Grace) "What happened? Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?"
• (Mila Kunis) "I'm pregnant."
• (Laura Prepon) "Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?"
• (Topher Grace) "Ok, Donna. I have to tell you something, but you promise you're not going to tell anybody else."
• (Laura Prepon) "Dirt. I swear. Now tell me."
• (Topher Grace) "Not here."
• (Topher Grace) "Jackie's pregnant."

• (Topher Grace) "So Donna says David and her are just good friends. And if I don't believe that, um, then she's gonna think that I don't trust her."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Eric, maybe you should let David have Donna. I mean, they look so nice together."
• (Danny Masterson) "See, this is why your country lost the war."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "My country never fought a war."
• (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, big surprise."

• (Topher Grace) "Look at the symptoms -- temperamental behavior, mood swings, facial hair -- Uh oh, Dad, I think you have menopause."

• (Topher Grace) "So, Kitty, Eric tells me you quit smoking."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Yes. Yes, I did, and I feel great."
• (Topher Grace) "That's great."

• (Topher Grace) "I think I have everything. I got the keys, the cash, my "Who am I kidding?" condom --"

• (Topher Grace) "I don't think I've ever seen Mom so mad. Have you?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Not since she's stopped drinking."
• (Topher Grace) "What?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Nothing."

• (Topher Grace) "Laurie saved up all her money so she could buy a back massager; which isn't fooling anyone by the way."

• (Topher Grace) "Hey Dad, you know who has the right idea? Russia."

• (Topher Grace) "Hey."
• (Laura Prepon) "That's all you have to say to me? "Hey"?"
• (Topher Grace) "Well, what do you want me to say?"
• (Laura Prepon) "I want you to say "Hey". Dillhole."
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, yeah? Well, DOUBLE DILLHOLE."
• (Topher Grace) "Double dillhole? --"

• (The Angel) "Oh, but it only gets better. Eric, I'm now going to show you your future. Next stop; the '80s."
• (Topher Grace) "What was that?"
• (The Angel) "You'll find out."

• (Topher Grace) "You want to know what I did when we were broken up, Donna? Here."
• (Mitch Miller) "These all have minor errors in the build. Yeah, he built these all right."

• (Topher Grace) "Donna, it's just a movie."
• (Topher Grace) "Do you want to sit somewhere else?"
• (Laura Prepon) "So bad."

• (Topher Grace) "You know, Donna, failing classes is not the only way to get attention from your parents. A lot of girls, when they're having a bad time at home, just go slutty."
• (Laura Prepon) "You know what Eric? You're right. Let's have sex right now."
• (Topher Grace) "Really?"
• (Laura Prepon) "No."
• (Topher Grace) "Stop doing that."

• (Topher Grace) "It's amazing what one act of civil disobedience can do for a person."

• (Topher Grace) "Uh-oh, naughty thoughts a-brewin' --"

• (Topher Grace) "I forgot my mom's birthday."
• (Danny Masterson) "Really? 'Cause I remembered your mom's birthday."
• (Topher Grace) "If you remembered, then why didn't you tell me?"
• (Danny Masterson) "How would that be funny?"

• (Topher Grace) "God, what did you have for breakfast this morning, Carnation Instant Bitch?"

• (Topher Grace) "So, do you feel like coming over for dinner?"
• (Stacey) "I don't know. Will your dad be there?"
• (Topher Grace) "Why? You like my dad?"
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, my God. You like my dad?"
• (Stacey) "Do you know if he's seeing anyone?"
• (Topher Grace) "Yeah. My mom."

• (Topher Grace) "Even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with ya honey. Who am I kidding after I can't pay for Donna's engagement ring nobody's gonna be in love with me honey. Why must you mock me Ann Murray?"

• (Topher Grace) "I'm trying to read Red's lips, but I can't make it out; he keeps calling me a stupid duck."
• (Topher Grace) "Ahhhhh."

• (Topher Grace) "I really want to do it with her."
• (Laura Prepon) "I don't know if I'm ready to do it with him."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "I know what you mean."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "It's Donna."
• (Mila Kunis) "I know what you mean."
• (Mila Kunis) "It's Eric."
• (Unnamed) "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
• (Unnamed) "Nothing."
• (Topher Grace) "I mean, you and Jackie have done it millions of times, right?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Oh, yeah. We do it all the time."
• (Laura Prepon) "I mean, you and Kelso have done it millions of times, right?"
• (Mila Kunis) "No. I let him get to second base once, but that's it."

• (Topher Grace) "I could get a date."
• (Topher Grace) "I've got numbers, buddy."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Sure you do, honey. You're number one with me."

• (Topher Grace) "Panties. Glorious panties."

• (Topher Grace) "Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you? is because you're a dumbass."

• (Topher Grace) "Mom, Dad, can Penny and I be alone for a minute?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "No. I'm not raising any flipper grandkids."

• (Topher Grace) "Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "This is the proudest moment of my life."
• (Danny Masterson) "It doesn't look like a pot leaf. It looks like its giving me the finger."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Well it doesn't have to look perfect Hyde, it's art."

• (Topher Grace) "This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?"
• (Topher Grace) "Because he had a smart mouth?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "That's right."

• (Topher Grace) "Hey dad. You coming back inside?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Eric, I love your grandmother very much. I just can't talk to her or spend any time with her."
• (Topher Grace) "Did I mention that I'm in there rubbing her feet?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Eric, sometimes you got to play through the pain."
• (Topher Grace) "What?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "I don't know. Just, get back in there."

• (Topher Grace) "Don't tell Donna I told you, okay? She'd kill me. It's supposed to be a secret."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Of course its supposed to be a secret. 'I'm marrying a dumbell' -- who wants that spread around?"

• (Topher Grace) "It was supposed to be 'Guys' Night Out'. And then comes Hyde's skank of the week to ruin it all. We were friends since, like, always. And all it took to ruin it was a pair of lop-sided boobs. That's right, I noticed and I didn't say anything -- Because I'm nice."
• (Laura Prepon) "I had to talk to my dad's new girlfriend about the sex they're having."
• (Topher Grace) "Yeah, okay, you win."

• (Topher Grace) "Extra. Extra. Read all about it."
• (Danny Masterson) ""Skinny Dillhole Talks Like An Idiot"?"

• (Topher Grace) "Did you tell anybody we're engaged?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Yes, Eric, I have no self control and I told the pretzel vendor we're engaged."
• (Topher Grace) "Ok, no need to be sarcastic."
• (Laura Prepon) "No, seriously, I have no self control and I told the pretzel vendor we're engaged."

• (Topher Grace) "I got a B."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "You couldn't get an A?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Aww honey, don't listen to him. You did super. And Steven, you did super duper."
• (Topher Grace) "Why does he get a duper?"

• (Topher Grace) "Why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Maybe he's, like, religious."
• (Danny Masterson) "Didn't Sully get imprisoned for arson?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah. People who burn stuff believe in God too, Hyde."
• (Danny Masterson) "Why does his key-chain say "I Love Bingo"?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Sully must love bingo."
• (Topher Grace) "All right. I'm starting to think this isn't Sully's car."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Then who's car is it?"

• (Topher Grace) "Guys, I can't think Penny is hot. I mean, she's my cousin. That's like thinking my mom's -- Whoa, I'm gonna stop right there."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I thought that about your mother, but I didn't stop there."

• (Topher Grace) "Tell me again Kelso how is this car baby friendly"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Because its tiny -- like a baby"

• (Topher Grace) "Hyde, without Donna, I've reverted to my natural state. I'm dirty, I'm lazy, and I don't wear pants. I'm like you now."
• (Danny Masterson) "No, see, I'm an original. You're a convert."
• (Topher Grace) "Strong words coming from a guy wearing pants."

• (Topher Grace) "Did Stacey actually use the word 'freak'?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Why don't you just let it go? Maybe the reason girls don't like you, is because you just don't let things go. Stacey was saying just that thing today."

• (Topher Grace) "It's as if at that moment Eric Forman and Donna Pinciotti ceased to exist and merged into one perfect being -- Donneric Forciotti."

• (Topher Grace) "I say we torture them with plenty of pointless rules and advice."

• (Topher Grace) "Ok, I know it. She told you about "Dr. PeePee". Fine, you got it. I couldn't sleep on the top bunk and I was 10. Fine, I'm "Dr. PeePee"."
• (Ashton Kutcher) ""Dr. PeePee". That's great. You are so "Dr. PeePee"."
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, really, "Big Chief Brown Bottom"?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Sorry, man. I'm sorry. Everybody shut up. Just, shut up."

• (Topher Grace) "People are going to think I'm really like that."
• (Laura Prepon) "Oh, come on. Nobody's going to think you're like that."
• (Girl #1) "Cat killer."
• (Girl #2) "Bastard."
• (Girl #1) "Porn freak."
• (Laura Prepon) "OK, they could be talking about anybody."
• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, we're all porn-freak bastards. But he's the only one who killed a cat."

• (Topher Grace) "What kind of moron leaves the keys in the ignition?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "When I put the keys in my pocket, it distracts from my natural bulge."

• (Topher Grace) "Ooooh, why do I have to wear the stupid helmet?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Because you're stupid."

• (Topher Grace) "So, we're finally gonna meet the mysterious and possibly fictional Nina."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hey, does this hickey look fictional?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Nope, it's real."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "How can you tell?"
• (Laura Prepon) "It's too small to be the vacuum cleaner hose like last time."

• (Topher Grace) "I dunno. If I hit this guy, Donna's just gonna be pissed."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "No, man. Chicks dig that stuff. I mean, Leia, right, she acted like she was mad at Han. But I could tell she liked him."
• (Danny Masterson) "Kelso, man, what are you, an idiot? Leia likes Luke, I mean she kissed him on that bridge."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Uh. Just for luck."

• (Topher Grace) "Hey, dad, um, I was wondering if you could show me, like, a few fighting moves."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Who you planning to fight?"
• (Topher Grace) "David Milbank."
• (Don Stark) "David Milbank? He's got scoliosis and asthma."
• (Don Stark) "You could take him."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Oh, come on now, Eric. Why don't you, uh, beat up Kelso? I don't work for his dad."
• (Topher Grace) "He's making a move on Donna."
• (Don Stark) "Oh, no. No. No. Donna's not going near that pretzel boy. No. No. You gotta nip this in the bud, Eric."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "All right. All right. The bridge of the nose is very vulnerable."
• (Don Stark) "Oh. Oh. And hit him with a banjo."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "A banjo, Bob?"
• (Don Stark) "What? I'm helping."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Where's he gonna get a banjo?"
• (Don Stark) "I don't know. But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Hitting a guy with a banjo, is dirty."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "You wanna knee him in the groin."
• (Don Stark) "You can hit him in the groin with a banjo."

• (Topher Grace) "Okay, I just want to tell you that this play will be done like always. That means that all of your ideas, while interesting, are stupid."
• (Topher Grace) "No unicorns."
• (Topher Grace) "No lifeguards."
• (Topher Grace) "No wise women."
• (Topher Grace) "No spacemen. Now, we need the wise men. Anybody got any suggestions."
• (Topher Grace) "Kelso, I swear to god, if you say "Space Wisemen" I will kick you in the head."

• (Topher Grace) "Dad just got sued by a co-worker for wrongful termination."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Well if the news is so unpleasant I'm ignoring it. Here, have a cupcake."
• (Topher Grace) "Mom, did you hear what I said? Dad is getting sued for wrongful termination by Earl."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Earl? He didn't do his job, he was always late and he was a complete dumbass -- person."
• (Topher Grace) "Mom, you said ass."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "So did you, now give me back the cupcake."
• (Topher Grace) "Dad is gonna freak. I don't know how to tell him."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Tell me what?"
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, mom said the ass word."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Give me that."
• (Topher Grace) "You know what, mom, I got this one. Whoever here is not being sued by Earl for illegal termination, raise your hand."

• (Topher Grace) "You smell great. What did you do?"
• (Laura Prepon) "I took a bath. I was thinking of you the whole time."
• (Topher Grace) "Hey I do the same thing in the shower."
• (Laura Prepon) "What?"
• (Topher Grace) "Nothing."

• (Lance Crawford) "Hello, Eric. Your father and I were just discussing how unrealistically space travel is portrayed in "Star Wars"."
• (Topher Grace) "It was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away -- look, you either buy it or you don't."

• (Topher Grace) "Prepare thyself. Tonight, we fornicate."

• (Topher Grace) "Hey, leggo my Eggo."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Hey, leggo my foot in your ass."

• (Topher Grace) "You know, Hyde, at first I thought your father was a real dirtbag. But I've come to realize that there's a fine line between dirt bag and Father Of The Year."

• (Topher Grace) "Leo, you sell promise rings?"
• (Tommy Chong) "Yeah, man. I sell rings and -- other stuff."
• (Topher Grace) "Ohh -- We'll take two promise rings, and a misdemeanor's worth of the other stuff."

• (Topher Grace) "You know, mom, there comes an age in a boy's life when the baby talk stops working. Yeah, when it does, it just gives a boy the urge to kill."

• (Topher Grace) "You're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee."

• (Topher Grace) "Yeah, I mean, when the empire killed Luke Skywalker's aunt and uncle, did he just call them up?"
• (Unnamed) "Ahh, nooo --"
• (Topher Grace) "No. He hopped on the Millenium Falcon, and he paid a little visit to the Death Star."

• (Topher Grace) "So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid."

• (Topher Grace) "We're gonna do what Luke Skywalker was too afraid to do: use the dark side to our advantage."
• (Laura Prepon) "Eric, if we're gonna be married you've got to ease up on the Star Wars stuff. It doesn't apply to everything."
• (Topher Grace) "I'm gonna have to rewrite my vows."

• (Topher Grace) "Well, Donna and I are back together."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh, good, did you two talk things out?"
• (Topher Grace) "Actually we -- yeah, we talked things out."
• (Danny Masterson) "More like grunted."
• (Topher Grace) "Shut up."
• (Danny Masterson) "Okay man, give me all the details."
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, there will be detail o'plenty, in my steamy letter to Penthouse."
• (Topher Grace) "And my mom's still here isn't she?"

• (Topher Grace) "I got a feeling I'm forgetting something --"
• (Danny Masterson) "Looks like you got everything but a tall redhead."
• (Topher Grace) "Yeah, what guy doesn't love a tall redhead oh my god I forgot Donna."

• (Topher Grace) "She was drunk, in the middle of the afternoon. I mean, it was like Sue Ellen on 'Dallas'."

• (Topher Grace) "You know Donna, I'm not surprised you're in my bed. I knew you couldn't resist me any longer."
• (Laura Prepon) "No I couldn't. I want you. I need you."
• (Topher Grace) "Well, I never turn down a woman in need."
• (Laura Prepon) "You know, being here in you bed. On your -- SpiderMan sheets. Makes me feel so Ready, so Willing."
• (Topher Grace) "Then call me Able."
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, a little mood music."
• (Topher Grace) "Damn."
• (Laura Prepon) "What's wrong?"
• (Topher Grace) "Aggh."
• (Topher Grace) "I mean -- hey baby."

• (Topher Grace) "And then, they go into this bar, and there are all these space creatures, and then, someone makes the mistake of picking on Obi Wan Kenobi, and then, he takes out his light saber, and goes WOOSH and he chops this guard's arm right off. Cause it's a saber that's made out of light."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Well, you know, this, this doesn't sound like a nice movie. Now, "The Way We Were", that's a nice movie."

• (Topher Grace) "Okay, the reason I'd lie about something like that is --"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "What happened? You pissed Donna off and she locked you out?"
• (Topher Grace) "Donna? No."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Oh. Well you pissed me off so I'm locking you out."

• (Topher Grace) "Hey, look at her."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah, I made out with her once."
• (Topher Grace) "I don't want my tongue anywhere near where Kelso's tongue has been."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Oh -- then you better stay away from your mom."

• (Topher Grace) "Kelso, I don't know if you should come over to dinner tonight."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Look, I know you think it's gonna be uncomfortable because I'm dating Laurie. But, look, Red loves Laurie, and Laurie loves me. Red has to like me. I mean, what kind of father doesn't love the guy who's nailing his daughter."

• (Topher Grace) "Donna can't be smarter than me because I'm the man, and that's just the way it is."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Well, I do better on tests than your father, but he's the one brave enough to kill spiders. And since we've been married how many tests have I taken? None. How many spiders have your father killed? Hundreds."
• (Topher Grace) "But, Mom -- SPIDERS FREAK ME OUT."

Danny Masterson as Steven Hyde

• (Danny Masterson) "Act tough, Forman."
• (Topher Grace) "I'm not tough."
• (Danny Masterson) "That's why I said 'act.'"

• (Danny Masterson) "Oh, my God -- what have I done?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "You've married a Vegas stripper. Congratulations. When Eric calls -- you're the town dumbass."

• (Danny Masterson) "Well, Fez's play is about to start -- which means we have three more hours without his sorry ass. Let's eat his candy."

• (Danny Masterson) "Kelso, women are like muffins, man. And once you've had a muffin, you will put up with ANYTHING to have another one. And they know that."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, this vase smells like chocolate."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Really?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Ow. STOP DOING THAT."
• (Danny Masterson) "GET SMARTER."

• (Danny Masterson) "Man you went to the free clinic?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "No, but I saw your mom there. BURN."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "OW. That left a mark. Like your mom did."

• (Danny Masterson) "The three TRUE branches of the government are military, corporate and Hollywood."

• (Danny Masterson) "Look guys, we've gotta do something that says we will not pay homage to a corrupt electoral system."

• (Danny Masterson) "Forman doesn't ever moon because it's impossible to moon when you have no ass."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, Fez, do you happen to have my money?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Actually, I do happen not to have your money."
• (Danny Masterson) "Oh, really? Well, until you do --"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "My candy -- Oh, you'll get your money -- IN HELL."

• (Danny Masterson) "Jackie, I am really, really sorry and I'll never do it again."
• (Mila Kunis) "You know, that's just what Michael used to say."

• (Danny Masterson) "Would you shut up about that lame ass story?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Well, it's the truth and I'll prove it. Let's go ask Fez."
• (Danny Masterson) "Fine."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "You drive, my van's in the shop."
• (Danny Masterson) "Fine. I need gas though."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Fine. Can I borrow money for fries?"
• (Danny Masterson) "No."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Fine. Shotgun."
• (Danny Masterson) "There's only two of us you moron."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Fine."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, Fez, listen to this."
• (Danny Masterson) "Tight pants can show off a man's derriere and show a woman heaven. Also, an open shirt can expose a sexy chest and show an enormous 'Joie De Vivre'."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Really? I always thought my 'Joie De Vivre' was in my pants."

• (Danny Masterson) "I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about."
• (Topher Grace) "Man, we think of some great stuff down here. But, later on I can never remember it."

• (Danny Masterson) "Being Kelso is like knowing the truth behind all the deceptions in society, but not being able to convince any of your fellow suburban friends that anything's wrong, man. No wait, that's me."

• (Danny Masterson) "Well, in health class today, we learned that an early engagement is a sign of heavy drug use."

• (Danny Masterson) "You're engaged. In Latin that means "screwed for life"."

• (Danny Masterson) "Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Naked. That's the way God intended."
• (Mila Kunis) "No way."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Why not? It'd be fun."
• (Laura Prepon) "Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty."
• (Topher Grace) "So, you don't want to do it?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Well -- I don't care. I'll do it."
• (Topher Grace) "You -- Okay, I'm in."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Naked is dirty."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty."
• (Maud Adams) "Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty."
• (Mila Kunis) "This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot."
• (Danny Masterson) "By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?"
• (Maud Adams) "No."
• (Topher Grace) "Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed."
• (Danny Masterson) "We can go to my house."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around."
• (Danny Masterson) "She's not even home, you moron."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Put on the top forty."
• (Danny Masterson) "Whoa, sit down, Fez. I see London, I see Besticle."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Well, what do you want me to do about it?"
• (Danny Masterson) "I don't know. Tuck it in."

• (Danny Masterson) "Don't worry, Donna. I mean, my parents splitting up made me the man I am today."
• (Laura Prepon) "Aww, man. Am I gonna go crazy and think the government is out to get me, too?"
• (Danny Masterson) "The government IS out to get you."

• (Danny Masterson) "I'm not a conspiracy nut. My gym and shop teachers started that rumor to discredit me."

• (Danny Masterson) "What crawled up your butt?"
• (Topher Grace) "You and Jackie and then you started making out in there."

• (Danny Masterson) "Everything I wanted to say was in that one punch. Come on."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "That was a good one too. I peed myself a little on the way down."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey Leo man, you all set?"
• (Tommy Chong) "Totally, man, I got everything."
• (Danny Masterson) "Great. Where's the camera?"
• (Tommy Chong) "I got everything but the camera -- or the film -- or the flashcubes. Hee, I got nothin' man."
• (Danny Masterson) "Leo man, the photohut is loaded with that stuff."
• (Tommy Chong) "I know, it's ironic, isn't it?"
• (Danny Masterson) "And yet not surprising."

• (Danny Masterson) "You gotta be Bruce Springsteeny. Springsteenian. Springteenicious. What were we talking about?"

• (Danny Masterson) "If you really want to get under her skin you have to be Zen."
• (Mila Kunis) "Zen? Okay you just can't make up words Hyde."

• (Danny Masterson) "When Kelso's the only one of us thinking straight, something's wrong."

• (Danny Masterson) "You should suspend me. I need a vacation."

• (Danny Masterson) "It's no worse than bowling. But I don't hate bowling."

• (Danny Masterson) "Forman, you have a responsibility to all of us. You have to find out what's under that smock."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "I bet it's boobs."

• (Danny Masterson) "I love you."

• (Danny Masterson) "Kelso, do you remember that time you thought you saw the abominable snowman?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah --"
• (Danny Masterson) "And what did it turn out to be?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Just a regular snowman --"

• (Danny Masterson) "You know what your problem is? You're really cute, but nobody ever told you to shut your piehole."
• (Mila Kunis) "You think I'm cute?"
• (Danny Masterson) "SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE."

• (Danny Masterson) "I've been living in the basement."
• (Topher Grace) "You know? I did notice a dusting of curly hair on the floor. I just wrote if off to my changing teenage body."

• (Danny Masterson) "Forman's first suspension -- I'm so proud."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Whoa, back up. Why'd he get suspended?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Because he's stupid."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "They can do that?"

• (Danny Masterson) "Donna, man, I feel like I want to kiss you."
• (Laura Prepon) "Shut up and dance."

• (Danny Masterson) "No offense Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, Red. You have to sign this card for me."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "It says you're failing gym."
• (Danny Masterson) "Yeah."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Why the hell are you failing gym?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Because I wouldn't wear shorts?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Why not?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Would you wear shorts?"

• (Danny Masterson) "We got food, we got beer, we have zero percent adult supervision -- welcome to Camp Naughty Bad Fun."

• (Danny Masterson) "I hate cigars. This is way worse then what we usually do in the circle. It smells bad, it tastes rank, but there's no fun hallucinations. This should be illegal."

• (Danny Masterson) "Not only did we break the law, we screwed our friends while breaking the law."

• (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, I never thought I'd be a working man, man. But man, here I am, working for the man. You know what man, I like it man."
• (Tommy Chong) "Hey, thanks man."

• (Danny Masterson) "Oh man, see this is why I didn't wanna tell you. I knew you'd get all After School Special on me."

• (Danny Masterson) "Eighteen sucks, man, no more free rides. I mean, if there's a war, I could get drafted."
• (Tommy Chong) "If there's a war, I'll see you in Canada."

• (Danny Masterson) "I haven't done one stinking illegal thing since I got probation."
• (Topher Grace) "What, so you're mad because you haven't been in any crimes since your last crime?"

• (Danny Masterson) "No, no, I'm not walking. If God had wanted us to walk he wouldn't have given us Foreman."

• (Bud Hyde) "You look familiar. Do I know you?"
• (Danny Masterson) "I sure hope so -- Dad."

• (Danny Masterson) "Government pawns and missing limbs. That's amore."

• (Danny Masterson) "Let's face it Forman. You're soft."
• (Laura Prepon) "How soft is he, Hyde?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Softer than Liberace at the Playboy mansion."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah. Because he plays the piano -- wait --"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "OOOOH. BURN."

• (Danny Masterson) "Think about it, a world full of Kelsos. Libraries will fall into disrepair, there'd be feathered hair as far as the eye could see, we'll have to put padding on every sharp corner."

• (Pastor Dave) "Now, kids, you may think that God is a downer. But, he's an upper. Some get high on L.S.D., but I get high on G.O.D --"
• (Danny Masterson) "Virgin."

• (Danny Masterson) "Kelso was right. Everyone's trying it."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "I'm telling you, this stuff's just isn't for cakes. It's great all by itself."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Wait, wait, wait."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Look at me. I'm whipped cream head. Fear me. All fear whipped cream head."

• (Danny Masterson) "I'll write a really great slogan like, 'I Hate the Fuzz' on my ass."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "If you hate the fuzz on your ass, why don't you just shave it off?"

• (Danny Masterson) "Think about it. We hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this."

• (Danny Masterson) "Look man, if those jocks try to do this to you again, just come find me."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Thanks. You're my best friend. Let's hold hands."

• (Danny Masterson) "I didn't do it to be nice. I did it because I wanted to commit a felony. Misdemeanors just ain't the rush that they used to be."

• (Danny Masterson) "Oh, I see how it is. When things get ugly, all of a sudden I'm family."
• (Lisa Robin Kelly) "Not to me, you freak."
• (Danny Masterson) "You are SO gonna wind up in porno."

• (Danny Masterson) "You have to be aloof."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Did you just call me a 'loof'? Because if so, I'll have to kick you in your nads."
• (Danny Masterson) "No man, aloof. Distant, zen --"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Well, that's not what a loof means in my language."
• (Danny Masterson) "Look, I don't care what you think it means. That's what it means here."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "You're the loof."
• (Danny Masterson) "Hey Fez --"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "-- I SAID LOOF."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey Forman, did you realize that there's another room back there? Hey, and it barely stinks."
• (Topher Grace) "Perfect. You can sit back there underneath your bare bulb and write angry letters to the government."
• (Danny Masterson) "Oh, don't think I won't."

• (Danny Masterson) "I told you to look where you were going."
• (Mila Kunis) "What idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?"
• (Topher Grace) "You knocked over my space command center?"

• (Danny Masterson) "Look, Forman, if you give Donna that ring, she'll see the girl inside of you. And, you don't want to wake Erica up."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah, Erica. That's classic. I'm lucky. You can't make a girl name out of Michael."
• (Danny Masterson) "Oh, really, Michelle?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Damn it. I forgot about Michelle. But, you know what, Forman? You should get Donna that promise ring. I'm gonna give one to Jackie too."
• (Topher Grace) "Thank you, Kelso. Let's go get them, right now."
• (Topher Grace) "See you later -- Damn it. What's a girl name for Hyde?"
• (Danny Masterson) "It's Heidi, you morons."

• (Danny Masterson) "Poor Forman, man. Working for Red. I wouldn't wish that on my enemies."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I would. Those suckas must pay."

• (Danny Masterson) "But if I didn't know you -- and I had never talked to you -- I'd think you were totally hot."

• (Coach Ferguson) "Well, well. Mr. Hyde, in school after hours? What are you trying to establish an alibi?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Coach Ferguson. Shouldn't you be out teaching boys to play with balls?"

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, Donna, you want some pie."
• (Laura Prepon) "No, I don't want any stupid pie."
• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, I didn't kiss her."

• (Danny Masterson) "What is she doing here?"
• (Tommy Chong) "I think she's hitting on me, man."
• (Mila Kunis) "What are you talking about?"
• (Tommy Chong) "What are you talking about?"
• (Mila Kunis) "What are you talking about?"
• (Tommy Chong) "What are you talking about?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Whatever."
• (Mila Kunis) "Oh, great. Steven."
• (Tommy Chong) "What was she talking about?"

• (Danny Masterson) "So you wanna be a burn-out? Is that it?"
• (Mila Kunis) "No. No, Hyde. I just wanna be with you. I think you are one of the coolest and sweetest guys."
• (Danny Masterson) "No you don't."
• (Mila Kunis) "Yes I do."

• (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, you gotta stay sharp, man. That's why I keep myself pure 'til 3 o' clock --"
• (Danny Masterson) "Two o'clock. That's why I keep myself pure until two o'clock."
• (Danny Masterson) "I'm not even wearing a watch."

• (Danny Masterson) "I got busted for possession."
• (Tommy Chong) "Join the club."
• (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, thanks."
• (Tommy Chong) "No, I mean join the club, man. We meet every Thursday. We're trying to raise money for a field trip to Amsterdam."

• (Danny Masterson) "Why did you kill me, Eric? I can never forgive you."

• (Danny Masterson) "That's not the devil, it's Congress. They passed a law to put secret backward messages in our records, man. They wanna kill rock and roll because they know it makes us horny, man."

• (Danny Masterson) "We could go to Chicago and peddle Fez's ass for beer."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I'm game."

• (Danny Masterson) "Say, how'd THAT get there?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "That's funny. No; This isn't even mine. Yeah, this must be ERIC'S shirt."
• (Mila Kunis) "Your mom sewed your name in it, Michael."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Man, Eric's going to be pissed, huh? Yeah, 'cause I borrowed Eric's shirt 'cause mine wasn't working right. And then my mom must've sewed my name in it."
• (Mila Kunis) "Hum, I don't know, Michael --"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Jackie, if I were lying I'd come up with a lot better lie than that."
• (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, you'd think so."

• (Danny Masterson) "You know, Forman, I'm a romantic. So I say you choke him 'til his eyes pop out."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah. Hittin' people's cool."

• (Danny Masterson) "Face it, Forman, Donna has bad taste. I mean, look at her dad. The apple doesn't fall far from the Bob."

• (Danny Masterson) "If you ask me, UNICEF is a scam."
• (Laura Prepon) "If we ask you, everything is a scam."
• (Danny Masterson) "Everything is a scam."

• (Danny Masterson) "Let's see what your permanent record says about you, Jackie."
• (Mila Kunis) "Go ahead. I have a perfect record."
• (Danny Masterson) "Does anybody want to know what Jackie's middle name is?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Jackie's middle name is --"
• (Mila Kunis) "I hate you. I hate you."
• (Danny Masterson) "Her middle name is Beula."

• (Bud Hyde) "Well time flies when you're"
• (Danny Masterson) "Drunk?"
• (Bud Hyde) "Well I was gonna say having fun but whatever."

• (Danny Masterson) "Secretly, I think they want it more than we do."
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, you and your crazy conspiracies."

• (Danny Masterson) "She's not a "goddess", she's more an "earth-mother whore" type, which works for me."

• (Danny Masterson) "Go ahead and hit me. A free shot."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "You gonna hit me back?"
• (Danny Masterson) "No, man. That's why they call it a free shot."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Oh. OK. Get ready. Here it comes. It's coming. Get ready."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "We're ready. Do it, fool."

• (Danny Masterson) "Two girls in a phallic RV driving around handing out things you blow? What a great country."

• (Danny Masterson) "So there it is. The clown's back. Everyone is happy and nobody went to jail. What a waste of time."

• (Ricky) "So why do you want a job at Fatso Burger?"
• (Danny Masterson) "To unionize the workers, man."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, let me tell you something, pal. You're proppin' up a dyin' system, man. You know some day soon people are gonna wake up. And they're gonny realize that most of us don't fit in your Hollywood, Madison Avenue, candy-coated ideal of what's cool. And when we do, we're gonna rise up. We're gonna put you on trial. Then parade through the streets with your head on a stick."
• (The Bouncer) "Righteous political outrage -- You're in."

• (Danny Masterson) "I have got a solution to this whole you being a pain in my ass, we sharing a room thing. You move out."
• (Topher Grace) "Of my room?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Yeah."
• (Topher Grace) "Well, uh, that's just not going to happen."
• (Danny Masterson) "Fine. I'll move out, you big baby."
• (Topher Grace) "Still friends?"
• (Danny Masterson) "I need time to heal."

• (Danny Masterson) "Ma, I'm going to the prom."
• (Danny Masterson) "THEY'RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU."
• (Danny Masterson) "Gee, ma, you're making the moment too damn special."

• (Danny Masterson) "Here are the facts: When the smoke hits the brain, the cells start dying. This process causes impaired judgment and hallucinations and a lot of other wonderful things."

• (Danny Masterson) "That's the price you pay for docking your Love Boat in Jackie Vallarta."

• (Danny Masterson) "Now stay away from those smokes, if you smoke when you're pregnant, they come out all spindly."

• (Danny Masterson) "Look man, I gotta talk to you about some things that happened while you were gone this summer."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Hyde, if this isn't about free ice cream, naked volleyball or a dog wearing a hat and sunglasses, I'd rather not know."

• (Danny Masterson) "Kelso man, you're willing to cheat? You're in the house of the Lord. You're coming along nicely."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah, I mean it's not that bad, because technically we're only in the basement of the Lord, and I'll bet he never comes down here."

• (Danny Masterson) "So if Donna ever breaks up with you, and starts dating me, are we still friends?"
• (Topher Grace) "No."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, Forman. This movie better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm gonna be super-pissed."

• (Danny Masterson) "You know what's gonne make you feel better? A scrawny little neighbor boy."

• (Danny Masterson) "If you don't shut up, you'll be the first person to touch his chin to his ass."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Have you been spying on me?"

• (Danny Masterson) "At parties like this Fez, you collect the leftovers of all the unfinished drinks, and combine them to form on giant, uber-drink. In this case,a Tom Wallbanger Bloody Sunrise on the Beach."

• (Danny Masterson) "I'd rather put on a dress and slow-dance with Kelso on 'Soul Train'."

• (Danny Masterson) "Michael, call me later."
• (Topher Grace) "Michael, do your Chico impression."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "-- please someone else talk now."

• (Danny Masterson) "Ah, this is definitely gooder -- Gooder? Yeah, that's a word."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hold on, Kelso. Suddenly, you're too mature to go cruising for chicks with us, and you're going to the mall with Jackie?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, I've come to realize that Jackie is the only girl I want to be with."
• (Topher Grace) "Today?"

• (Danny Masterson) "Pimp gave you the holiday off, huh?"
• (Lisa Robin Kelly) "Yeah, he replaced me with your mom."

• (Danny Masterson) "It's hard hopping over a fence carrying two twelve packs. I mean, library books."

• (Danny Masterson) "Isn't it ironic that "titillating" has the word "tit" in it?"

• (Danny Masterson) "I knew hooking up with Jackie was a big mistake but I did it anyway. That's what she does, man. She makes you stupid. I bet Kelso was composing symphonies before he met her."

• (Danny Masterson) "My heart aches with pain. When I see you, I vomit. Die away from me."

• (Danny Masterson) "I'm gonna punish him the way my parents punish me."
• (Topher Grace) "You're gonna leave him at the mall?"
• (Danny Masterson) "No. I'm gonna milk this eye thing until he feels as bad as he should. And they didn't leave me at the mall. They forgot m

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