The 40-Year-Old Virgin Quotes

The 40-Year-Old Virgin is a television show that debuted in 1970 . The 40-Year-Old Virgin ended its run in 1970.

It features Plain list, * Judd Apatow * Clayton Townsend; Shauna Robertson as producer, Lyle Workman in charge of musical score, and Jack N. Green as head of cinematography.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The 40-Year-Old Virgin is 116 minutes long. The 40-Year-Old Virgin is distributed by Universal Studios.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin Quotes

(Unnamed) "I'm throwing myself at you and all you can think about are f***ing toys."
(Unnamed) "They're not f***ing toys. This is Ironman, okay?"

(Unnamed) "Take your porn with you."
(Unnamed) "I'm not taking it."
(Unnamed) "Take your box o' porn."
(Unnamed) "It's my gift to you."
(Unnamed) "No, I don't want it. David it's not -- just -- just --"
(Unnamed) "Andy for the last time, I don't want your giant box of pornography."
(Unnamed) "No no no just come on man. So uncool."
(Unnamed) "No -- uncool? Uncool is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn Andy."

(Unnamed) "How many pots have you smoken?"

(Unnamed) "That's a good looking grandma. My grandma looks like Jack Palance."
(Unnamed) "Well, she's no Jack Palance."
(Unnamed) "No. If Jack Palance looked like that lady I would want to f*** Jack Palance right now."

(Unnamed) "You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face.""
(Unnamed) "That's gay?"

(Unnamed) "Whenever they clean my room I can't find anything. Where are you going with such haste? To a football game."

(Unnamed) "You know what? I respect women. I love women. I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them."

(Unnamed) "If I have to hear "Yamo Be There" one more time, I'm going to "Yamo" burn this place to the ground."

(Unnamed) "You guys -- are up -- your -- asses."

(Unnamed) "This doesn't feel right."
(Unnamed) "Of course it don't feel right. What has felt right for you doesn't work. You need to try some wrong, dawg."

(Unnamed) ""Bitch, get out the house. BITCH, GET OUT THE HOUSE.""

(Unnamed) "He's performing a public colonoscopy. Isn't that sweet?"

(Unnamed) "Is this shirt too yellow?"
(Unnamed) "No."
(Unnamed) "Tell me, what's Curious George like in real life?"

(Unnamed) "I touched a guy's balls once in Hebrew School."

(Unnamed) "You should f*** her and then have her send you $12 on your birthday."

(Unnamed) "I am gonna hang your old ass by your turban."
(Unnamed) "Oh, turban now. Do you see any f***ing turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say 'Hey Jay, you want a slippy? You wanna slippy?' f*** you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn, Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a f***ing Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?"

(Unnamed) "You know how when you grab a woman's breast -- it feels like -- a bag of sand."
(Unnamed) "What?"

(Unnamed) "You know how I know you're gay?"
(Unnamed) "How?"
(Unnamed) "Your dick tastes like s***."

(Unnamed) "Wow. This is graphic."

(Unnamed) "Oh."
(Unnamed) "We gonna need more wax."
(Unnamed) "And cancel all my afternoon appointments."

(Unnamed) "Yooooooooow, Kelly Clarkson."

(Unnamed) "Tonight's forecast: Dark and Cloudy. With a slight chance of drive-by."

(Unnamed) "Hey Andy, don't let him bother you. It's okay not to have sex. Not eveybody's a p***** magnet. You, uh, what are you 25?"
(Unnamed) "I'm 40."
(Unnamed) "Holy s***, man you got to get on that."

(Unnamed) "Here, tell me, this is how it's gonna go."
(Unnamed) "I'm a virgin."
(Unnamed) "Cool. I like that, because I know you don't have -- chlamydia. I know that. I mean that s*** is everywhere --"

(Unnamed) "You're puttin' the p***** on a pedestal"

(Unnamed) "Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?"

(Unnamed) "What is this, your roofie, your date drug?"
(Unnamed) "It's a mentos. They're the freshmaker."

(Unnamed) "I dated this girl for four months, and it was the best thing in my life. Until she went down on this guy in -- an Escalade, I think."
(Unnamed) "Where is she now?"
(Unnamed) "Oh she's dating some pot dealer which is a stupid horrible decision, but hey; that's her journey. If she wants to be a f***ing immature bitch and blow everybody --"
(Unnamed) "But that's love, man."

(Unnamed) "Go f*** a goat."

(Unnamed) "I hired a 90-lb girl to work in the stock room at Smart Tech for you, okay? I should've hired a 300-lb guy to lift the 60-inch flat screen, but instead I hired a hot girl who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk."

(Unnamed) "I'd like to introduce you to my friend."
(Unnamed) "Your friend is so shiny."

(Unnamed) "That f***er came out of nowhere."

(Unnamed) "Keep your bitch on a leash."

(Unnamed) "Nipplef***er."

(Unnamed) "Do you mind if I use your, uh, magnum?"

(Unnamed) "If she starts waxing his pubes, I'm outta here."

(Unnamed) "There's something wrong with her underwear."
(Unnamed) "Yeah. They're not in my mouth."

(Unnamed) "She had hands as big as Andre the Giant's, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls."

(Unnamed) "Everybody dick look big on 60-inch TV, my sister's dick look big on TV."

(Unnamed) "Do you have protection?"
(Unnamed) "I don't like guns."

(Unnamed) "Really? All your girlfriends wanted to have sex with virgins too? That's funny -- I didn't even know you g-girls talked like that. I think my first time might be your best time too. Well I knew it, you know what? I knew that you'd react that way and I knew that you would want to lead me through my first sexual encounter will all the compassion and care that someone would give to their soulmate."

(Unnamed) "There were two sides to that billboard, and they both hurt equally."

(Unnamed) "I just don't want a big box of porn in my apartment."
(Unnamed) "There's some really great stuff in here. Really great movies in here, man. Hey, did you ever see School of Rock?"
(Unnamed) "Yeah."
(Unnamed) "Well, this is -- It's called School of -- You know --"
(Unnamed) "That's nice."
(Unnamed) "But it stars Jack Black Cock."
(Unnamed) "That makes sense."

(Unnamed) "Ooh. Como se llama."

(Unnamed) "Today's forecast? Dark and cloudy, with a chance of drive-by."

(Unnamed) "You know how I know you're gay?"
(Unnamed) "Because you're gay so you can tell who the gay people are."

(Unnamed) "Before I knew, I thought you were a serial killer."
(Unnamed) "Oh."
(Unnamed) "No, I'm serious."

(Unnamed) "I will pray for your cock."

(Unnamed) "You're a virgin?"
(Unnamed) "Yeah."
(Unnamed) "I'd tap that."
(Unnamed) "Listen to yourself, Seth, "I'd tap that." You think you're so cool with your little "Jew 'fro"."

(Unnamed) "Well, if you loved her so much, why did you cheat on her?"
(Unnamed) "Because. Duh. I'm insecure. Can't you tell?"

(Unnamed) "Hey, Will and Grace. Back to work."
(Unnamed) "Hey Haziz, could you give us a minute? We're kind of in the middle of something here."
(Unnamed) "Hey. I'm on my break."
(Unnamed) "f*** off Haziz, leave us alone, will you?"
(Unnamed) "f*** off? f*** you."
(Unnamed) "f*** you."
(Unnamed) "f*** you."
(Unnamed) "f*** off."
(Unnamed) "f*** off."
(Unnamed) "I'm gonna kick you in the nuts, asshole."
(Unnamed) "Hey, hey, hey hey hey, watch the language, ok? I have a family."
(Unnamed) "Why don't you talk to me?"
(Unnamed) "Hey Bambi, it's a free country. I can smoke out here if I want."
(Unnamed) "Smoke my pole."
(Unnamed) "You are a very unkind man."
(Unnamed) "Get inside."
(Unnamed) "This is not professional. Paula. This asshole; Paula."

(Unnamed) "Are you Andy?"
(Unnamed) "Uhh -- yeah --"
(Unnamed) "Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?"
(Unnamed) "My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card --"
(Unnamed) "OOhhh -- yeah -- right, god I've been looking for that speed dating card, thank you so much for bringing it to me."
(Unnamed) "So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?"
(Unnamed) "Ummhmm -- yeah -- "hurtin' for a squirtin'", yeah i wrote that."
(Unnamed) "Oh, so you wrote, "hoe fo sho'"."
(Unnamed) "Yeah, I remember that girl, she was a hoe -- for sho'"

(Unnamed) "What if she laughs at me?"
(Unnamed) "Then you punch her in the f***ing head."

(Unnamed) "That girl was a ho -- for sho."

(Unnamed) "I should pull up the hardwood to see if there's carpet underneath."
(Unnamed) "No. That's never the case."

(Unnamed) "From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm gonna get you laid."

(Unnamed) "You know what's a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM's and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that's the best part about the game."

(Unnamed) "I hope you have a big trunk -- because I'm puttin' my bike in it."

(Unnamed) "Life is about people. It's about connections."
(Unnamed) "It's all about connections."
(Unnamed) "It's not about cocks, and ass, and tits."
(Unnamed) "Yeah."
(Unnamed) "And butthole pleasures."
(Unnamed) "It's not about butthole pleasures at all."
(Unnamed) "It's not about these rusty trombones, and these dirty sanchez."
(Unnamed) "Please stop."
(Unnamed) "And these cincinatti bowties, and these p***** juice cocktail, and these s*** stained balls."
(Unnamed) "Mooj, just please stop."

(Unnamed) "You can f*** her while watching "Murder, She Wrote". She'll like that"

(Unnamed) "You're gay now?"
(Unnamed) "No, I'm not gay I'm just celibate."
(Unnamed) "I think? I mean, that sounds ga- I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like -- there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm I'm a g-gay guy now"."
(Unnamed) "You're gay for saying that."
(Unnamed) "I'm gay for saying that?"
(Unnamed) "You know how I know you're gay?"
(Unnamed) "How? How do you know I'm gay?"
(Unnamed) "Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts."
(Unnamed) "You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more."
(Unnamed) "You know how I know that you're gay?"
(Unnamed) "How? Cuz you're gay? and you can tell who other gay people are."
(Unnamed) "You know how I know you're gay?"
(Unnamed) "How?"
(Unnamed) "You like Coldplay."

(Unnamed) "Y'know, I always thought that Matt Damon was like a Streisand, but he's rocking the s*** in this one."

(Unnamed) "Where do you put the penis?"

(Unnamed) "Wanna know how I know you're gay? Because you like Coldplay."

(Unnamed) "Andy. Have you ever heard of the term -- 'f*** Buddy?'"

(Unnamed) "Tell me something, when your child is born, is he already on parole?"

(Unnamed) "I'll probably re-watch "Gandhi"."
(Unnamed) ""Gandhi" baked is good. I always feel bad when I watch it baked because I get really hungry and I'm eating a lot and poor Gandhi is starving his ass off."

(Unnamed) "I just want to get drunk, f***ed up, and play some cards."

(Unnamed) "Hey. Will and Grace, get back to work."
(Unnamed) "Hey, Haziz, can you give us a minute?"
(Unnamed) "Hey, I'm on my break okay?"
(Unnamed) "f*** off Haziz and leave us alone."
(Unnamed) "f*** off? f*** you."
(Unnamed) "f*** YOU."
(Unnamed) "f*** YOU."
(Unnamed) "f*** off."
(Unnamed) "f*** off."
(Unnamed) "I'm gonna kick you in the nuts asshole."
(Unnamed) "Hey, hey, hey. Watch the language okay? I have a family."
(Unnamed) "Watch how you talk to me --"
(Unnamed) "Hey, it's a free country Bambi. I can smoke out here if I want to."
(Unnamed) "SMOKE MY POLE."
(Unnamed) "All right you know you are a very unkind man. Paula. This asshole over here --"

(Unnamed) "I may not have had sex, but I can f*** you up."

(Unnamed) "Dude, you look like a man-o-lantern."

(Unnamed) "Oral sex play --"
(Unnamed) "Sounds like my Friday night."
(Unnamed) "Oh, shut up Seth, we went to temple."

(Unnamed) "I'm gonna make your silver pants blue."

(Unnamed) "AAAH. f*** ME IN THE ASSHOLE."

(Unnamed) "May I help you?"
(Unnamed) "I don't know -- Can you?"
(Unnamed) "Are you looking for something?"
(Unnamed) "Is there something -- I should be looking for?"
(Unnamed) "Well, we have a lot of books, so -- it sorta depends on what you like."
(Unnamed) "What, um, what do you like?"
(Unnamed) "We have a great selection of -- Do-It-Yourself."
(Unnamed) "Do you like to -- Do-It-Yourself?"
(Unnamed) "Sometimes. When, um, the mood strikes."
(Unnamed) "How is the mood striking you now?"
(Unnamed) "What's your name?"
(Unnamed) "What's your name?"
(Unnamed) "I'm Beth."
(Unnamed) "Andy."
(Unnamed) "Andy --"
(Unnamed) "Don't tell on me, okay Andy?"
(Unnamed) "I won't. Unless you want to be told on -- Beth."
(Unnamed) "Wow, that totally worked. I literally said nothing."

(Unnamed) "I'm not really much of a ho-runner."
(Unnamed) "My uncle used to drive a ho-runner."

(Unnamed) "Wow, this place is crowded."
(Unnamed) "Yeah, well you know, nine dollar beer night."

(Unnamed) "The problem most men have is they don't know how to talk to women --"
(Unnamed) "You know what my problem is? I am not interesting. What am I supposed to say I went to magic camp? That I'm an accomplished ventriloquist? Oh, I am the 7th degree imperial yo-yo master."
(Unnamed) "Ooooh, do me yo-yo master I want you to do me cuz you're the yo-yo guy --"

(Unnamed) "You know how I know that you're gay?"
(Unnamed) "How?"
(Unnamed) "You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan"."
(Unnamed) "You know how I know you're gay?"
(Unnamed) "How?"
(Unnamed) "I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sour dough bread once."
(Unnamed) "You know how I know that you're gay?"
(Unnamed) "How?"
(Unnamed) "You have a rainbow bumpersticker on your car that says "I love it when balls are in my face"."
(Unnamed) "That's gay ?"
(Unnamed) "god****it."
(Unnamed) "I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off, and now I'm throwing it at your body."
(Unnamed) "f*** you."
(Unnamed) "Aww."

(Unnamed) "Ow. That one hurt just as much as the first one."
(Unnamed) "That's great, man."

(Unnamed) "That woman scares the s*** out of me."

(Unnamed) "Be David Caruso in "Jade.""

(Unnamed) "I'm very discreet -- but I will haunt your dreams."

(Unnamed) "How come we never get invited to parties? What are we, f***ing Al Qaeda?"

(Unnamed) "That boy needs to get laid."

(Unnamed) "Nastiest s*** you've ever done? I'm talkin' about nasty."
(Unnamed) "Ahhhhhhhh -- wow. Soooo many stories are running through my head right now."
(Unnamed) "I dated this girl for a while -- she was really a -- nasty freak. She just loved to -- get down with -- sex all the time. It was like -- anytime of day -- she was like, "Yeah, let's go. I'm so nasty." And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me. cool.""

(Unnamed) "Know how I know you're gay?"
(Unnamed) "How am I gay?"
(Unnamed) "You've seen Rent three times."

(Unnamed) "Yeah, you should definitely tell her, because I saw this movie called "Liar Liar" and the message was, " Don't lie.""
(Unnamed) "And that was a smart movie."

(Unnamed) "Ooh, you know where to shave me."
(Unnamed) "Yeah. I wanna shave your head."

(Unnamed) "You guys, she's picking me up in an hour."
(Unnamed) "Oh, drag, dude."
(Unnamed) "She's picking you up from here?"
(Unnamed) "Yeah."
(Unnamed) "That's f***ed up, man."
(Unnamed) "Why?"
(Unnamed) "Why? Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys."
(Unnamed) "So what?"
(Unnamed) "And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid."
(Unnamed) "Okay."
(Unnamed) "Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?"
(Unnamed) "That's Oscar Goldman."
(Unnamed) "Why do you have that?"
(Unnamed) "That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin."
(Unnamed) "Well, that may be the case. But none of this s*** is sexy, okay?"
(Unnamed) "I'm not trying to be sexy, man."
(Unnamed) "I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?"
(Unnamed) "They did not laugh at me."
(Unnamed) "Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia."
(Unnamed) "You guys cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay?"
(Unnamed) "First, you relax, okay?"
(Unnamed) "Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do."
(Unnamed) "Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch."

(Unnamed) "If I buy this T.V. will you throw in the DVD"
(Unnamed) "I tell you what, you don't buy the T.V. and I'll throw in the DVD."

(Unnamed) "You are never gonna meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch."
(Unnamed) "Who the -- Who the f*** are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the s*** off all right? And stop with the inquisition."
(Unnamed) "That's how you talk?"
(Unnamed) "You know what I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my bitch. Kno' wha I sayin'. So s*** man, f*** it."
(Unnamed) "You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert."
(Unnamed) "I don't hang out with him. I work with him, and that's it. I try to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself, I don't mess him baby. That's not me."
(Unnamed) "You should keep your hoe on a leash."
(Unnamed) "Oh, bro I can't let you talk"
(Unnamed) "I Can't let you be talking to my woman that way, dawg."
(Unnamed) "Hey, hey, hey, bitches be runnin' wild man."

(Unnamed) "Rich man gets off work, then buys stereo. Not after f***ing brunch."

(Unnamed) "Oh, man, I had a weekend."
(Unnamed) "Yeah?"
(Unnamed) "We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And -- it's a woman f***in' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and -- it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross."
(Unnamed) "Yeah."
(Unnamed) "You think "A woman f***in' a horse" and you get there and -- it's a woman f***ing a horse."
(Unnamed) "Yeah."
(Unnamed) "It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her."
(Unnamed) "Yeah."
(Unnamed) "I kinda felt bad for the horse."
(Unnamed) "Wow, that's something."

(Unnamed) "I'm starvin -- let's get some f***in french toast."

(Unnamed) "Fuuuuck. I hate you."
(Unnamed) "Sorry."
(Unnamed) "Gosh, I am so sorry. I usually don't curse."

(Unnamed) "Hey, do you have any extra large condoms?"
(Unnamed) "Oh, Seth, please. You have a tiny penis --"

(Unnamed) "He sold his old toys for over half a million dollars. We gotta get some toys."

(Unnamed) "You've gotta wait till the seed grows into a plant. Then you've gotta f*** the plant."

(Unnamed) "I'm a virgin. I always have been."

(Unnamed) "Yeah -- she's adorable -- f***in' bitch."

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The 40-Year-Old Virgin Quotes