The Aristocrats (film) Quotes

The Aristocrats (film) is a TV show that was first aired in 1970 . The Aristocrats stopped airing in 1970.

It features Peter Adam Golden as producer, Gary Stockdale in charge of musical score, and Paul Provenza as head of cinematography.

The Aristocrats (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The Aristocrats (film) is 88 minutes long. The Aristocrats (film) is distributed by THINKFilm.

The Aristocrats (film) Quotes

• (Unnamed) "Can I get a copy of this? I'd like to send it to the kids from the show "Full House"."

• (Unnamed) "People can get up on stage if they want to, you know, finger my niece or touch my nephew's penis."

• (Unnamed) "Cartman, I don't want to --"
• (Unnamed) "Kyle, will you hold on PLEASE."

• (Unnamed) "You'd never hear a physicist going, "It's a muon, you c***.""

• (Unnamed) "Have you ever noticed that when you kick your girlfriend in the c*** she calls the cops?"

• (Unnamed) "It's the perfect joke. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy s***-covered incest. And other poems by Maya Angelou."

• (Unnamed) "That's, that's actually, a really great idea to pitch to a network. I can walk into NBC tomorrow and say I have a dysfunctional family idea. So dysfunctional, it defies description. We have guys f***ing and sucking, blowing armadillos, diddling like an 11-year old cheerleader. We can bring in people from the past, because we can do that now you know they got those commercials with Humphrey Bogart and all that other bulls***. And bring back f***ing major world leaders of the past 60 years, like Hitler. Mussolini. Genghis Kahn, for god sakes. I just thought of that and that's unbelievable. This is not a joke, this would go on TV. And we blow Hitler, then next episode, we bite his dick off, ha ho. See what happens to Hitler's dick. That'll be turning it on. Phenomenal."

• (Unnamed) "Hey, you guys want to hear a funny joke my grandpa told me?"
• (Unnamed) "No."

• (Unnamed) "So a guy goes into a, uh, into a talent agent and he says, "Hey, dude, check it out, I got a great act." And he's like, "It's not a f***in' prop act, is it?""

• (Unnamed) "My mother was a golden shower queen."

• (Unnamed) "Joe Franklin loved The Aristocrats. He was like our rehearsal director when dad and my brother weren't there, and my mother and my nana weren't there. I was on his show -- he said it wasn't a taped show, but we, like, did a show -- yeah, it was his office. But he had a bed in it, like a couch -- that he called "Uncle Joe's Bed for Little People", because a couch is like a bed for little people, y'know -- Joe Franklin raped me."

• (Unnamed) "What do you call an act like that?"
• (Unnamed) "The Cocksucking Motherf***ers."

• (Unnamed) "My grandmother, on the stage, has an abortion. Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony. My grandfather is the jockey, comes in third and paid $2.80."

• (Unnamed) "Lemme tell you, when my seven year old daughter is giving my eleven year old son a blow job, it's priceless."

• (Unnamed) "Just the other day I was eating my own s***."

• (Unnamed) "And then, the denouement -- the butt f***ing."

• (Unnamed) "A lot of you are probably saying "Wait, wait, wait. Backtrack a little. Where did the blood come from? You didn't say anything about blood." Well if a guy is fist f***ing his daughter, who's young, and her asshole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. He could be a longshoreman. He could have arms like Popeye."

• (Unnamed) "It's a family, the Cavanaugh's; Ann and William. They're eating dinner, and they just finish, and their maid comes in and she clears the plates. And they have two children, Betsy and Timmy. And Ann suggests that they all go into the drawing room, where Ann then braids Betsy's beautiful blonde hair. The husband, he plays chess with Timmy; and then the maid comes in with strawberries and whipped cream, and they all eat a nice dessert. And that's the act."
• (Unnamed) "What do you call an act like that?"
• (Unnamed) "The Cocksucking Motherf***ers."

• (Unnamed) "A man walks into a talent agent's office and says that he has an act --"

• (Unnamed) "Where did these people find employment? How did they develop this act? What made them think that this -- this was entertaining?"

• (Unnamed) "And then the talent agent says, "That's awful. What do you call the act?" Like he wants to know, like the name's the important thing. I don't understand why he would say that. It doesn't matter what it's called. Because no one is gonna book this show. Where did these people find employment. How did they develop this act. What made them think this was entertaining. I mean it's surprising they haven't -- that they're not all in jail. I mean -- and waiting -- waiting for the death penalty. You can put people to death for what goes on in the best versions of this joke. Because you're probably saying, if you have any sense of human decency, "Well, why didn't he stop them the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants." And saying, "This is totally wrong. Call the cops. Something horrible's happening. This is a family who are raping their own children, and performing bestiality. Why, oh, why, is he allowing this to happen." But that's a whole other story. But, anyway, he says, "What is it called?" because in a joke that's what happens. There's no legal system at all in play in a joke. And then the guy goes, "The Aristocrats." And I always throw in that. That seems to make the whole joke. "The "Aristocrats.""

• (Unnamed) "He could have an arm like Popeye"

• (Unnamed) "They have sex in a kiddie pool full of beef entrails and aborted fetuses."

• (Unnamed) "Once for Hannukah he gave me a box of slim Tampax, and he says, "Leave them out so men will think you're really tight.""

• (Unnamed) "I don't get it."
• (Unnamed) "Neither do I."

• (Unnamed) "There's my friend Paul and right now I'm looking at his dinger. He's got a very huge wiener. It's about that big --"
• (Unnamed) "I believe that's Shandling's joke. When you lift something it better be a cock. Here we go. This family, mother, father, four kids. It doesn't matter if they're boys or girls they're gonna be used anyway --"
• (Unnamed) "- as nothing more than a hole. This is what this joke is about anyway, it's about using your kids. They've got a paper route, they go to school and then you f*** 'em. And the agent's like, "What do you do?" and the father goes, "Watch us." He rips off his wife's bra. Then he rips off her underwear and he takes some of her pubes with it. It's awful and some blood starts dripping down her leg. He takes the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks. They start going down on each other all different kinds of combinations, there's 69, there's 29, cause the kids are young, there's 9. The father bends the kid over the guy's desk and starts taking him from behind, which isn't right. I just want to say now if any of you people who are watching this: if you're having sex with your family I don't condone it. I think it's wrong I've done a lot of PSA's -- do NOT f*** your family. So they're all f***ing each other right. All of a sudden the kid can't take it, diarrhea starts shooting out of his ass. It's like a hemorrhaging s***-ass. The kid starts spinning around in a circle cause he can't control it. It's like Curly in the Stooges. "Moe, Larry, the cheese." The projectile s*** is just flying out of him it's going all over the room it's like spin art. You don't know whether to s*** or puke in this room. That's how --"
• (Unnamed) "What the f*** am I doing?"

• (Unnamed) "The people are abusing each other. There's incest."

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