The Birdcage Quotes

The Birdcage is a TV show that first aired in 1970 . The Birdcage stopped airing in 1970.

It features Mike Nichols, and Neil A. Machlis as producer, Stephen Sondheim in charge of musical score, and Emmanuel Lubezki as head of cinematography.

The Birdcage is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The Birdcage is 118 minutes long. The Birdcage is distributed by United Artists.

The cast includes: Robin Williams as Armand, Hank Azaria as Agador, Nathan Lane as Albert, Nathan Lane as Albert Goldman, Dianne Wiest as Louise Keeley, Christine Baranski as Katherine, Gene Hackman as Senator Kevin Keeley, Dan Futterman as Val, Calista Flockhart as Barbara Keeley, and Hank Azaria as Pastor.

The Birdcage Quotes

Nathan Lane as Albert

• (Nathan Lane) "Mine has a girl. Doesn't yours have a girl?"

• (Nathan Lane) "Oh God, I pierced the toast."
• (Robin Williams) "So what? The important thing to remember is not to go to pieces when that happens. You have to react like a man, calmly. You have to say to yourself, "Albert, you pierced the toast, so what? It's not the end of your life.""

• (Celsius) "Chewing gum helps me think."
• (Nathan Lane) "Sweetie, you're wasting your gum."

• (Nathan Lane) "My mother always said, "Live on Fisher Island, get buried in Palm Beach. That way, you'll have the best of Florida.""

• (Nathan Lane) "Oh Vallie, this is such a shock. I'm not saying anything, I promised your father, Mmm-mmm. But you're only twenty, and if you throw yourself away on some dormitory slut you'll be sorry for the rest of your life. There, enough said, no more, subject closed."

• (Nathan Lane) "Maybe it is too much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. Could you tell him I was a relative who dropped in? Val's uncle, Uncle Al."
• (Robin Williams) "Oh, what's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al."

• (Nathan Lane) "You don't love me anymore, Armand."
• (Robin Williams) "Oh, s***."

• (Nathan Lane) "Whatever I am, he made me. I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me. I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING."
• (Robin Williams) "I made you short?"

• (Nathan Lane) "Armand Goldman, you old so-and-so. How 'bout those Dolphins. -- Screaming queen?"

• (Nathan Lane) "No good?"
• (Robin Williams) "Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized John Wayne walked like that."

• (Nathan Lane) ""You look tired" means "you look old." And "you look rested" means "you've had collagen.""

• (Nathan Lane) "He blew a BUBBLE with his GUM while I was singing. He can't do that while I'm SINGING."

• (Nathan Lane) "Oh, I know what you're going to say. "If you kill the mother, the fetus dies, too." But the fetus is going to be aborted anyway, so why not let it go down with the ship?"

• (Nathan Lane) "I'm just -- a guy."
• (Robin Williams) "What about those?"
• (Nathan Lane) "These? Well, one does want a hint of color."
• (Nathan Lane) "You think when I dress like this I'm even more obvious."

• (Nathan Lane) "Don't give me that tone."
• (Robin Williams) "What tone?"
• (Nathan Lane) "That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman."
• (Robin Williams) "You're not a woman."
• (Nathan Lane) "Oh, you bastard."

• (Nathan Lane) "When the schnecken beckons --"

• (Nathan Lane) "Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at my expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katherine, too. Well, why not? I'm not young, I'm not new, and everyone laughs at me. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I've been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand."

• (Nathan Lane) "-- and so they decided to find a cemetery they really loved instead of eating tofu."

Robin Williams as Armand

• (Robin Williams) "Al, you old son of a bitch. How ya doin'? How do you feel about that call today? I mean the Dolphins. Fourth-and-three play on their 30 yard line with only 34 seconds to go."
• (Nathan Lane) "How do you think I feel? Betrayed, bewildered -- wrong response?"

• (Robin Williams) "So this is Hell. And there's a crucifix in it."

• (Robin Williams) "Sit down."
• (Robin Williams) "Please."

• (Robin Williams) "It's like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable."

• (Robin Williams) "How 'bout those dolphins, huh?"

• (Robin Williams) "All right, I'll bite, where are you going?"
• (Nathan Lane) "To Los Copa."
• (Robin Williams) "Los Copa? There's nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery."
• (Nathan Lane) "I know, that's why I'm packing light."
• (Robin Williams) "Oh I see, so you're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian."

• (Robin Williams) "Shouldn't you be holding the crucifix? It is THE prop for martyrs."

• (Unnamed) "Armand, the Kennedys are here again for supper, third time this week, you want to pick up their tab?"
• (Robin Williams) "Ted?"
• (Unnamed) "No, just the younger ones."
• (Robin Williams) "Wish we could get Ted. Give 'em a free round of coffee."

• (Robin Williams) "What is that crap you served us?"
• (Hank Azaria) "It's Guatemalan Peasant Soup."
• (Robin Williams) "What's Guatemalan Peasant Soup?"
• (Hank Azaria) "I don't know, I made it up. I made it up."

• (Robin Williams) "What we really need is a woman. We can get away with Albert as an uncle if we had a woman as a mother. Ironic, isn't it? When you need a woman --"

• (Robin Williams) "You look like Lucy's stunt double."
• (Hank Azaria) "No actually I'm a combination of Lucy and Ricky"
• (Robin Williams) "That's horrifying."

• (Robin Williams) "Ugh, what is this, sludge?"
• (Hank Azaria) "Yes, it's sludge; I thought it'd make a nice change from coffee."

• (Robin Williams) "Take it. Take it all. What difference does it make if I say you can stay or if you say I can stay?"

• (Robin Williams) "Is Albert here?"
• (Hank Azaria) "No."
• (Robin Williams) "Great. Then he's driving back from Miami at 20 miles an hour with the parking brake on."

• (Robin Williams) "Now take that wig off or I'll tell Albert you're wearing it."
• (Hank Azaria) "You do that, I'm gonna tell him you're seeing somebody else while he's on the stage."
• (Robin Williams) "I have two words for you: green card."

• (Robin Williams) "Work it, own it, sell it."

• (Robin Williams) "You do an eclectic celebration of the dance. You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse. You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham. Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla. Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd. Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna --. but you keep it all inside."

• (Robin Williams) "Val's fiancée is coming tonight with her parents, and we thought -- we thought it would be better if you weren't here."
• (Nathan Lane) "I see -- I see."
• (Dan Futterman) "It's just for tonight."
• (Nathan Lane) "I understand, it's just while people are here."

• (Robin Williams) "Pull yourself together. Because you have to cook dinner. And I'm going after f***ing Albert."
• (Dan Futterman) "You -- can cook, right?"
• (Hank Azaria) "Your father seems to think so --"

• (Robin Williams) "Celsius, look, this may be a drag show, but it still has to be a good drag show, if possible a great drag show."
• (Nathan Lane) "Yeah, so just because you're twenty-two and hung doesn't mean that you can --"
• (Robin Williams) "Let me do this, Albert."

• (Robin Williams) "What are you giving him drugs for? What the hell are Pirin tablets?"
• (Hank Azaria) "It's aspirin with the "A" and the "S" scraped off."
• (Robin Williams) "My God, what a brilliant idea."
• (Hank Azaria) "I know."

• (Robin Williams) "First off, you're only twenty."
• (Dan Futterman) "Look, Pop, I know I'm young. But you've always said I was a very levelheaded guy, and I am. I have job offers, I know exactly what I want my future to be, and I have this incredible role model --"
• (Robin Williams) "Oh, please."
• (Dan Futterman) "No, it's true. You know, I'm the only guy in my fraternity who doesn't come from a broken home."
• (Robin Williams) "Stop flattering me, it's cheap."

• (Robin Williams) "A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens. And a man's wealth is measured by the size of his cock."

• (Robin Williams) "My cemetery's in Key Biscayne. It's one of the prettiest in the world. The sky is blue, palm trees, rolling hills. The one is Los Copa's really s***."
• (Robin Williams) "What a pain in the ass you are. And it's true: you're not young, you're not new, and you do make people laugh. And me? I'm still with you because you make me laugh. So you know what I got to do? I got to sell my plot in Key Biscayne so I can get one next to you in that s***hole Los Copa, so I never miss a laugh."

• (Robin Williams) "f*** the shrimp."

• (Robin Williams) "Agador."
• (Dan Futterman) "Spartacus."
• (Robin Williams) "Agador Spartacus --. He insists on being called by his full name."

Hank Azaria as Agador

• (Hank Azaria) "Armand, why don't you let me be in the show?"

• (Hank Azaria) "Senator, another shot for you?"
• (Gene Hackman) "I don't really drink --"
• (Hank Azaria) "Yeah, but now's the time to pretend."

• (Hank Azaria) "My father was the shaman of his tribe and my mother was the high priestess."
• (Robin Williams) "So why the hell did they move to New Jersey?"
• (Hank Azaria) "I don't know, they're so stupid."

• (Hank Azaria) "Armand, why don't you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness?"
• (Robin Williams) "Your what?"
• (Hank Azaria) "My Guatemalan-ness, my natural heat. You're afraid I'm too primitive to be on the stage with your little estrogen rockettes, right?"
• (Robin Williams) "You're right. I'm afraid of your heat."

• (Hank Azaria) "Good eve-e-ning. May I take jour purse as usual -- or for the first tine?"

Gene Hackman as Senator Kevin Keeley

• (Gene Hackman) "I feel like I'm insane."

• (Gene Hackman) "I'm so glad I got on Jackson's bandwagon instead of Dole. Dole is just too, too --"
• (Dianne Wiest) "Dark."
• (Gene Hackman) "Well, I was gonna say liberal, but he's dark, too."

• (Gene Hackman) "Meet me in 20 minutes at the corner of El Dorado and Palm."
• (Keeley's Chauffeur) "Lady, not for a million dollars."

• (Gene Hackman) "Oh, I got to fire this woman. Uh, Miss Porter, page two, second paragraph, it's "porno", not "pronto"."

• (Gene Hackman) "Don't leave me. Don't leave me here. I don't want to be the only girl not dancing."

• (Gene Hackman) "Louise, people in this country aren't interested in details. They don't even trust details. The only thing they trust is headlines."

• (Gene Hackman) "Hello, Ben. Ready for what? WHAT?"
• (Dianne Wiest) "What's the matter, Kevin?"
• (Gene Hackman) "Jackson's dead."
• (Dianne Wiest) "Oh my God."
• (Gene Hackman) "He died in bed? Whose bed? A prostitute?"
• (Dianne Wiest) "No."
• (Gene Hackman) "A minor? And black?"
• (Dianne Wiest) "What?"
• (Gene Hackman) "I don't believe this. I don't f***ING believe this."

• (Gene Hackman) "Louise, I'm the Vice President of the Coalition for Moral Order. My co-founder has just died in the bed of an underage black whore."

Dan Futterman as Val

• (Dan Futterman) "My first day at Edison Park, you told me that if Miss Donovan asked what my father does for a living, I should say he's a businessman."
• (Robin Williams) "Well, you were a baby, and Miss Donovan was a small-minded idiot. I didn't want you to get hurt."
• (Dan Futterman) "I can still get hurt."

• (Dan Futterman) "I'm getting married."
• (Robin Williams) "Ohh."
• (Dan Futterman) "It's a girl. Are you upset?"
• (Robin Williams) "Let me tell you why."

• (Dan Futterman) "Is it all right, Dad?"
• (Robin Williams) "Does it matter?"
• (Dan Futterman) "Yes, of course it does. Say it's okay, before Albert arrives and starts screaming."
• (Robin Williams) "I can't. And I won't. This is too crazy. You do this, you're on your own. You got that, sport? You don't come back here, you don't ask me for anything, I want nothing to do with it."
• (Dan Futterman) "Okay, if that's how you feel."
• (Robin Williams) "I do."
• (Dan Futterman) "Fine."
• (Dan Futterman) "Goodbye, Pop."
• (Robin Williams) "Goodbye, son."
• (Robin Williams) "Oh, come here."
• (Robin Williams) "You little pisher, you called my bluff."
• (Dan Futterman) "Yeah, but it was good, though."
• (Robin Williams) "Really? I thought I backed off on it a little."

• (Dan Futterman) "I assure you, Mother is just following a train of thought to a logical, yet absurd conclusion -- much in the same way Jonathan Swift did when he suggested the Irish feed their babies to the rich."

• (Dan Futterman) "Who put Playboy in the bathroom?"
• (Unnamed) "Leave it, it's what they read."
• (Dan Futterman) "Don't add. Just subtract."

• (Dan Futterman) "I have something to tell you. But I don't want you to get how you get."
• (Robin Williams) "Oh, God --"
• (Dan Futterman) "I'm getting married."
• (Robin Williams) "Oh --"
• (Dan Futterman) "I didn't want to tell you over the phone --"
• (Robin Williams) "Mmm."
• (Dan Futterman) "It's a girl, I met her at school, she's wonderful --"
• (Dan Futterman) "Uh -- are you upset?"
• (Robin Williams) "But let me tell you why."

• (Dan Futterman) "Put your shoes on Agador, it's getting late."
• (Hank Azaria) "Ah, but there's no point in my putting shoes on."
• (Hank Azaria) "I never wear shoes because they make me fall down."
• (Dan Futterman) "Just, put your shoes on, okay? And talk in your normal voice, and just -- give me a break, okay?"
• (Hank Azaria) "Okay."

Christine Baranski as Katherine

• (Christine Baranski) "Armand Goldman."
• (Robin Williams) "Katie Archer, or is it "Mrs." something?"
• (Christine Baranski) "No. I'm between husbands."

• (Christine Baranski) "You were so terrified, it was so sweet."
• (Robin Williams) "I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I mean, I walk in the door and there's a woman in my bed."
• (Christine Baranski) "I paid the doorman twenty dollars; twenty dollars, in those days."
• (Robin Williams) "Oh, God. And I thought, "what the hell, let's try it once with a woman and see what those straight guys are raving about.""

Dianne Wiest as Louise Keeley

• (Dianne Wiest) "Is someone else home?"
• (Robin Williams) "Just our dog, Piranha. We always lock her in when there's company."

• (Dianne Wiest) "If necessary, we'll get the Pope's blessing, it's not hard."

• (Dianne Wiest) "I like its -- severity."

• (Unnamed) "I've never danced with a man before."
• (Dianne Wiest) "There's always a first time."

• (Dianne Wiest) "It's so dangerous. You could've fallen."
• (Gene Hackman) "I did."

• (Dianne Wiest) "Who is this boy, Barbie? When was the last time you saw him?"
• (Calista Flockhart) "Please don't call me Barbie. This afternoon at two o'clock. We've been sleeping together for a year."
• (Gene Hackman) "Oh God, has he been tested?"
• (Dianne Wiest) "Oh, Kevin."
• (Calista Flockhart) "Yes, and so have I."

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