The Christmas Story (The Andy Griffith Show) Quotes

The Christmas Story (The Andy Griffith Show) is a TV program that was first aired in 1970 . The Christmas Story ended in 1970.

The cast includes: Don Knotts as Barney Fife, Andy Griffith as Andy Taylor, Andy Griffith as Sheriff Andy Taylor, and Ron Howard as Opie Taylor.

The Christmas Story (The Andy Griffith Show) Quotes

Andy Griffith as Andy Taylor

• (Andy Griffith) "You date one woman all the time and pretty soon people start taking you for granted. They don't say, "Let's invite Andy," or "Let's invite Elly." No, they say. "Let's invite Andy and Elly." See, then it's "Andy and Elly"; "Elly and Andy". A then, that's when that woman gets her claws into you."

• (Andy Griffith) "And he said, "The British is comin, the British is comin. Git your guns, we gonna have us a revolution.""

• (Andy Griffith) "Uh, Barn; why don't you just call her back?"
• (Don Knotts) "Sarah, get me Juanita at the diner. No, I wouldn't just rather call Thelma Lou back."

• (Andy Griffith) "Well, I caught him earlier on a 10-17."
• (Don Knotts) "Hat in a horse trough?"
• (Andy Griffith) "Yeah."

• (Andy Griffith) "Where can we find this Ernest T. Bass?"
• (Dud Wash) "Aww, he's a pestilence and a pestilence will find you -- you just wait."

• (Andy Griffith) "Well, it sure looks like she took the adult dose."

• (Andy Griffith) "You blew it. You stood right there and blew it."

• (Andy Griffith) "Opie. Time to come in, son."
• (Ron Howard) "Aw Pa, just a little while longer -- please?"
• (Andy Griffith) "Well, OK."
• (Andy Griffith) "Daylight's precious when your a youngen'."

• (Andy Griffith) "Floyd."
• (Floyd Lawson) "What's the matter?"
• (Andy Griffith) "My sideburns."
• (Floyd Lawson) "Your sideburns; what's the matter with your sideburns?"
• (Andy Griffith) "Why, they're both even."
• (Floyd Lawson) "Well, I'll be dogged. How'd that happen?"
• (Andy Griffith) "I declare, Floyd, I believe you're getting the hang of it. And looka there; they're the right length and everything."

• (Andy Griffith) "What are you doing?"
• (Don Knotts) "Gun-drawing practice, ten minutes every day. If I ever have to use this baby, I want to teach it to come to papa in a hurry."

• (Andy Griffith) "Sarah? What? Just soak it. That's right; just soak it a lot in warm water. Listen, Sarah; get me Thelma Lou. I know she's Barney's girl; just get her on the phone. What? 'Cause I don't want to. No, Sarah, I wouldn't rather talk to Juanita at the diner; just get Thelma Lou."

• (Mrs. Wiley) "He burst into the house uninvited and started behaving in the most peculiar manner."
• (Andy Griffith) "Like what, Mrs. Wily?"
• (Mrs. Wiley) "Oh, he stuck his hand in the punch bowl and ate every bit of the watermelon rind. And if that wasn't enough, he soaked the paper napkins in the punch and then he threw them at the ceiling."
• (Andy Griffith) "Didn't anybody try to stop him?"
• (Mrs. Wiley) "Mr. Schwump tried to pinch him, but he just giggled and jumped away."

• (Andy Griffith) ""Maybe you goin' to have a weddin', and maybe you goin' to have a preacher; but you might not have a bride. You ever think of that?" Mr. Darling, you don't think he'd try to kidnap Charlene before the wedding?"
• (Briscoe Darling) "He might. He's just crazy enough to do it."
• (Dud Wash) "Well, you just let him try. I'll show him some things I learned in the army in jungle warfare. First, you grab the mouth and pull like this."
• (Dud Wash) "Then you grade his nose and twist it like this."
• (Briscoe Darling) "Stop that, boy. You want your face to freeze thatta' way?"

• (Briscoe Darling) "Dud, did you tell Ernest T. Bass the Sheriff wanted to see him?"
• (Dud Wash) "I couldn't find him, Mr. Darlin'. His cousin said he went into the woods to kill a mockingbird."
• (Andy Griffith) "He doesn't sound like a very nice person."
• (Briscoe Darling) "One of the worst we got."

• (Andy Griffith) "All right, what's goin' on here?"
• (Don Knotts) "Aw this boob here --"
• (Gomer Pyle) "Boob? Why that's an insult in the face of the public."

• (Goober Pyle) "I love picnics. Speaking of picnics, you remember that movie 'Picnic'? Cary Grant sure was good it that movie."
• (Andy Griffith) "Goober, Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'."
• (Goober Pyle) "He wasn't? Well, speakin' of Cary Grant, I do him."
• (Helen) "What?"
• (Goober Pyle) "I take off on Cary Grant. Want to hear me do Cary Grant?"
• (Andy Griffith) "Uh, Goober --"
• (Goober Pyle) "Be glad to. Judy. Judy. Judy."
• (Andy Griffith) "That's real good, Goober; but Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'."
• (Helen) "That was William Holden."
• (Goober Pyle) "William Holden? Heck, I can't do William Holden; he sounds like everybody else."
• (Goober Pyle) "I can't do William Holden, but I can do Cary Grant. Judy. Judy. Judy."

• (Andy Griffith) "Goob, did anybody ever tell you you've got a big mouth?"
• (Goober Pyle) "Yeah, but I don't pay no attention to 'em."

• (Andy Griffith) "Hold still, Mr. Darling, while I put on your tie."
• (Briscoe Darling) "Ever since I saw a hangin', I been nervous about wearin' one of these things."

Don Knotts as Barney Fife

• (Don Knotts) "I'll say it right to your face, Otis, you've got a pickled liver."
• (Otis Campbell) "Well, it's better than having a pickled puss."
• (Don Knotts) "Oh, yeah?"
• (Otis Campbell) "Yeah."
• (Andy Griffith) "Boys, stop it."
• (Otis Campbell) "Well, he started it."
• (Don Knotts) "I did not start it, he started it."

• (Don Knotts) "If there's anything that upsets me, it's having people say I'm sensitive."

• (Don Knotts) "Inkem binkem notamus rex, protect us all from the man with the hex."

• (Don Knotts) "You know what I think I'm gonna' do?"
• (Andy Griffith) "What?"
• (Don Knotts) "I'm gonna' go home, have me a little nap, and then go over to Thelma Lou's and watch a little TV."
• (Andy Griffith) "Mmm-hmm."
• (Don Knotts) "Yeah, I believe that's what I'll do. Go home -- have a nap -- and then over to Thelma Lou's for TV."
• (Andy Griffith) "Mmm."
• (Don Knotts) "Yep, that's the plan. Home -- little nap -- then --"
• (Malcolm Tucker) "For the love of Mike do it."
• (Malcolm Tucker) "Do it. Just do it. Go take a nap, go to Thelma Lou's for TV, just do it."

• (Don Knotts) "Well, if it ain't daddy long legs."

• (Don Knotts) "Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their neighbor. Repeat. Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their neighbor."

• (Don Knotts) "I'm surprised at you, Andy. They want people who have had musical training. Why, suppose they ask Rafe to do something he don't know? Rafe, if they asked you to sing a cappella, could you do it?"
• (Rafe Hollister) "No."
• (Andy Griffith) "Hey, Barn, what if they was to ask you if you could sing a cappella, what would you do?"
• (Don Knotts) "Why, I'd do it."
• (Don Knotts) ""A cappella, a cappella" -- Well, I don't remember all the words."

• (Don Knotts) "It's a wise man who knows not to push the limits of the law."
• (Briscoe Darling) "He arguin' with me?"
• (Andy Griffith) "No; he's agreein' with you."
• (Briscoe Darling) "Just so I know where I stand."

• (Don Knotts) "Fly away buzzard, fly away crow, way down south where the winds don't blow. Rub your nose and give two winks and save us from this awful jinx."

• (Don Knotts) "Gomer, get down there with them spiders and start workin'."

• (Don Knotts) "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a man take off a dress before?"

• (Don Knotts) "Adios, amigo."
• (Briscoe Darling) "He one of ours?"
• (Andy Griffith) "Oh, sure."
• (Briscoe Darling) "More power to ya."

• (Don Knotts) "Ain't he got chicken spelled wrong?"
• (Andy Griffith) "No, it's right."
• (Don Knotts) "You sure?"
• (Andy Griffith) "Yeah, it's "i before e except after c and e before n in chicken"."
• (Don Knotts) "Oh yeah, I always forget that rule."

• (Don Knotts) "Boy, giraffes are selfish."

• (Don Knotts) "Andy, I've this one dead to rights. Otis was drunk. I even gave him a test. I drew a line on the sidewalk and told him to walk it. You know what he said?"
• (Andy Griffith) "What?"
• (Don Knotts) "He asked me what line. I've got this one right, Andy. Otis was drunk."
• (Andy Griffith) "That right, Otis? Did you ask Deputy Fife what line?"
• (Otis Campbell) "Yeah; but I didn't have my specs on and drunk or sober, I can't see much without my specs."
• (Andy Griffith) "Otis, three hours ago when Deputy Fife arrested you were you drunk?"
• (Otis Campbell) "I don't know; I wasn't wearin' my glasses."

• (Don Knotts) "What was that."
• (Andy Griffith) "I think Ernest T. Bass is paying us another visit."
• (Briscoe Darling) "Ernest T. Bass. You're a low down skunk."
• (Briscoe Darling) "Doggone ya."
• (Andy Griffith) "Listen here, Ernest T. Bass. This is Sheriff Taylor. Go on home and leave these people alone. You're keepin' 'em awake."
• (Ernest T. Bass) "Tell 'em to go back to bed. Charlene's the one I want to talk to."
• (Don Knotts) "Listen here, Ernest T. Bass. This is Deputy Fife. I'm armed and if you don't go home, I might just take a shot at you"
• (Don Knotts) "Stop that."
• (Briscoe Darling) "Sheriff, tell your deputy to be quiet before he gets us all stoned to death."

Ron Howard as Opie Taylor

• (Ron Howard) "Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?"

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