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The Colbert Report Quotes

The Colbert Report is a Comedy; News satire; Talk show that first aired in 2005 on Comedy Central. The Colbert Report ended its run in 2014.

The Colbert Report lasted 11 seasons and 1,447 episodes. It features Emily Gasperak as producer. The Colbert Report is executive produced by Jon Stewart, Tom Purcell, and Stephen Colbert. The Colbert Report is created by Stephen Colbert; Ben Karlin; Jon Stewart.

The Colbert Report is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The Colbert Report is 22 minutes long. The Colbert Report is produced by Spartina Productions; Busboy Productions; Comedy Partners.

The Colbert Report Quotes

  • (Stephen Colbert) "Just because the Pope is infallible doesn't mean he can't make mistakes."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "And the number one threat to America is -- Bears."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Facts change, but my opinion never does."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "I've swallowed 18 condoms full of truth and I'm headed across the border."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Soylent Green is Delicious."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Like any good newsman, I believe that if you're not scared, I'm not doing my job."
  • (Unnamed) "Hello, this is Mike Mark Carrion."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Mike, I want to know who to give my anger to."
  • (Unnamed) "What seems to be the problem?"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "This is Stephen Colbert from The Colbert Report. It says here in The Philadelphia Inquirer that your organization, quote "was livid" about an episode of my show. Is this true?"
  • (Unnamed) "Well, we're livid about the trophy hunting of bears in New Jersey, which-which --"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "The Philadelphia Inquirer says here that you are livid about the episode. Are they lying or are you lying?"
  • (Unnamed) "We were livid that people killed nearly 300 bears for trophies last December in New Jersey."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Are you aware that bears are Godless killing machines?"
  • (Unnamed) "Bears are not killing machines."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "But you will admit that they are Godless?"
  • (Unnamed) "Uh --"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "What if a bear was breaking into your house to get at your women? Would you shoot it then or would you just say "take 'em?"?"
  • (Unnamed) "You know, when bears cause conflict, it's usually because people have attracted them --"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Oh, it's our fault. It's our fault, because I have doughnuts."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, we encourage people to store their food and trash properly if --"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Were you livid with my show?"
  • (Unnamed) "We were livid with the killing of these bears in New Jersey."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "I accept your apology."
  • (Unnamed) "I didn't apologize."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Too late. Goodbye."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Speaking of you and hating our troops, I've noticed that you're one of those cut and runners. You said it."
  • (Arianna Huffington) "You know what, Stephen? I'm amazed that you would use the phrase cut and run, because it is the ultimate in truthiness. Cut and run is just a catch phrase that stops people from thinking."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Exactly. We want them to feel. It doesn't matter what your reasons are, it feels like you're betraying America."
  • (Arianna Huffington) "The problem, Stephen --"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "You gotta admit, cutting and running sounds bad."
  • (Arianna Huffington) "Cutting and running doesn't sound bad, unless you are a truthiness fanatic like you are. Here's the bottom line --"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "I'm not just a truthiness fanatic; I'm truthiness's father."
  • (Arianna Huffington) "Not according to Wikipedia. You popularized it, but you did not invent it, Stephen."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "f*** them."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "When you're President Senator Clinton, we'll be able to bring the troops home on flying pigs provided that it's not too cold for them to fly, what with Hell having frozen over."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Maybe we can hold the parade on "Highly Improbable Day"."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Sure they may be old and sick, but as Jesus said, "Walk it off.""
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Before I go, I'd like to share a little something with you. Not everybody knows this, but before I was a newsman, I had a band. Actually, right before I was a newsman, I was a carnival roustabout -- but before that I had a band. Back in the 80's. Stephen and the Colberts. We mostly did love songs and power ballads, and since this is our last show before Valentine's Day, I'd like to play one of our videos. So this love song goes out from me to each and every one of you -- but especially, to one of you. Cause there's a special hidden message in this video, to a very special hidden lady."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Every time I see you, I think of you./Every time I'm near you, I think of you./I think of you, when I dream of you, when I'm taking pictures of you./I think of you when I'm in a blimp, looking down from up above you./ -- you know I'm missing you -- / -- my mind is kissing you/I'm right behind you now Charlene./Waiting, watching, oh so close./I'm right behind you now, Charlene./You'll never be alone again, no --"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "You know -- 20 years later, I still feel the same. By the way, Charlene, technically this does not violate the restraining order."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Until next time, I'll see you in health."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "You know, I've been running this show, four nights a week, for -- five nights now --"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "-- which brings us to tonight's Wørd:"
  • (Stone Phillips) "We invited Mother Teresa to respond to these charges."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Dr King envisioned a day when the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners, could sit down together at the table of brotherhood. For a feast of plently. I believe that day has come. And what I wanna know is -- what will we have for dessert? I can't speak for others, but for my own part -- I have a dreamsicle."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Mr King saw the South sweltering with the heat of oppression. Well, what better way to cool off than with a frozen -- tasty confection? I have -- a dreamsicle."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "He wanted children not to be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. Just like this dreamsicle. If you judged it souly by it's outer shell, you'd think it was a sorbe. You'd be missing out on all it's inner, creamy contents."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "I have a dreamsicle. Look at the way the white and the orange are working together, side by side in harmony."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Mmm -- I really wish you could taste this. If you think of the orange part as white people, and the white part as black people, it's almost as if the two races are holding hands. Because all men are created equal -- equally delicious. I have a dreamsicle."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "And -- in his last lines, Dr King envisions every valley exhaulted, every hill made -- GOD."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Aggh, brain freeze. Oohhh -- ahhh. Oh Jesus, that hurt. Ugh, forget it. Nothing's worth this pain -- good night."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "When the world tries to knock us around, I'm America's bubble wrap. This is the Colbert Report."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "This is The Colbert Report."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "When life gets you down, don't get mad: Get Stephen. This is the Colbert Report."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "But, I could take care of my minimal needs and send the rest of the money to the poor."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Okay, think about this: You could buy a $100,000 Mercedes S600, or you could buy a $10,000 pile of crap from Korea and give the left over 110,000 to --"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "An orphanage?"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Whatever lets you sleep. One day, you go to check on your orphans. It's raining, and you don't have the benefits of that fine German engineering. You spin out of control. You're like a loose lawnmower blade. And what's that ahead? It's your orphans. They've come out into the street to thank you for your selfless gift."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Get out of the street orphans."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Oh, I forgot to mention: They're deaf."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Noooooo."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Yes. Yeah, tragedy. Tragedy all because you didn't care enough to make a difference for yourself."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Wow. You've really opened my eyes, Stephen. Say, um, does it have to be a car?"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "No, it could be a really sweet boat."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Stop asking for Bush's plan, senators. He clearly doesn't have one."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Isn't a centrist someone who doesn't have the balls to be a fanatic?"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "This teaches children a valuable lesson: Expect nothing and be happy you're not kidnapped."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Thankfully, there are three celebrity relationship that are strong enough not only to last, but to teach the rest of us. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, and William H Macy and Felicity Huffman. From their example, I've created "Stephen's Laws of Love" There are four laws, follow them and you'll be a happy and succesful husband and/or wife. Law number one: find someone who's name can be merged with yours to form a marketable nickname. Just like Brangelina, Bennifer 2, or -- Fillam H. Muffman --"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "The merged names -- the merged names symbolize your un --"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "-- got a little something in my eye there. The merged names symbolize your unity and creates headline space, so that the phrase "sex tape" can be printed below it in a larger font. Law number two, marry someone within --"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "-- marry someone in the exact same field as you. If possible, someone you work with. After all, it worked for "Mr and Mrs Smith", "Daredevil" and "The Splendiferous Zeppelin Escapades of Filliam H. Muffman" Not enough people saw that one."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "This show is an acquired taste. If you don't like it, acquire some taste."
  • (Penn Jillette) "Which camera's on right now?"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "I don't know."
  • (Penn Jillette) "Oh, it's this one right here. There is no Santa Claus. The Easter Bunny is your mother and father. There's no Easter Bunny and no God. Sorry."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Do we have a puppy for Mr. Jillette to punch?"
  • (Penn Jillette) "I don't like to touch them; I'd like to hit them with a hammer."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Okay, look. The rest of the stuff you can say what you want, it's your audience to lose. But when you start messing with God, you got ME to answer to."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "And Oregon, where do you get off letting people commit suicide? If God wanted them to die, he would send hurricanes and blood clots."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Strike up the klezmer and start acting like a man. You're about to have a Truth Mitzvah."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Am I right?"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Evidently I'm right."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Don't worry Republicans. Just like the Lord you shall rise again."
  • (Unnamed) "Lord Voldemort"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Tensions have been rising between Afghanistan and the West over the fate of an Afghani man sentenced to death for converting from Islam to Christianity, casting Afghanistan in a negative light. Which brings us to our number one threat -- Jesus. Jesus is such a powerful and appealing Messiah that Muslims can't help but convert to Christianity, and follow his teachings. But now, our Lord and Savior is jeopardizing our President's legacy. Afghanistan is Bush's success story. Where we toppled a repressive regime and replaced it with Western democracy. Thanks to Jesus, all that good will might be going right down the tube. So I call on the Son of God, the one true Christ, to just back off a little. The President's on your side, Sir. You should be on his. Leave the Muslims alone and save the true power of your glory for when we need it -- midterm elections."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "On Oprah's show they did it right. One of her guests was asked about truthiness, and here's what he said."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Now that guy, I don't know who he was, he gave me the credit I was due. And, uh, something else there --"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Right there. Off camera, Oprah says "Yeah". Play that back, and this time, let's isolate Oprah."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Yeah. I think she might have even said, "Hell, yeah." But regardless, that is proof positive that Oprah Winfrey knows who I am. This, ladies and gentlemen, should be the headline on tomorrow's New York Times. Oprah, on existence of Stephen Colbert: Yeah."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Now, isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Someone get a bucket, I think I'm gonna truth. This is the Colbert Report."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "You can lie all you want, but you upset Oprah. That is it. I have no choice but to call a nationwide boycott of James Frey. Not the book -- which is fantastic. Everyone should read it. I don't know how he got through half that stuff."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "This is America. We don't torture. Respect for human life is what separates us from those we're fighting. If we stoop to their level, in a way, we've already lost."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "But if we don't stoop to their level, we might lose in a worse way -- by actually losing."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "I believe all God's creatures have a soul -- except bears, bears are Godless killing machines."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "The Pittsburgh Post Gazette is reporting on a new phenomenon called wrap rage. Where people injure themselves trying to open difficult plastic packages with sharp objects. It goes on to say that according to a report, British researchers blame wrap rage for more than 60,000 injuries in that country. Okay, let's see, if England's population is 60 million, and they had 60,000 injuries, and our population is 300 million, how many injuries would we -- hold on, I can do this. Um, let me just get my brand new graphing calculator."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "This, uh, this'll only take a second here."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Let me get that --"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Okay, I'm gonna lose that battle right there -- let me get that."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Okay -- motherf***er, okay. Get open, come on."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "You are MINE. I will see you in HELL."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "I don't trust books; they're all fact, no heart."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "You know how many wars could be fought with $100 million? A third of one."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "You know what you can't outsource, Fareed? You can't outsource balls. America is the world leader in balls."
  • (Fareed Zakaria) "You've really got balls on your mind tonight."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "That paper is so slanted, the words roll off the page. It makes it hard to read."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "The truthiness will set you free."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "I can't prove it, but I can say it."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. But I've got oven mitts. This is the Colbert Report."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "I don't think I need to tell you, I have, I'm really split on you, Mr Robbins. On one hand, I think you are a true artist, who through your work is enriching our culture. On the other side, I think your politics are killing us by inches. Okay? So I'm not exactly sure what kinda question to lead off with here. Why don't I try to split the difference? What's it like working with Clint Eastwood, and why do you hate our troops?"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Which is clearer, "I am the lamb of God?" --"
  • (Unnamed) "Huh?"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "-- or "Hey you better build a boat quick 'cause I'm going to drown the world.""
  • (Unnamed) "Loud and clear, chief."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Look, people don't have to work for what I'm paying them, they don't have to show up. It's not slave labor. By the way, slave labor- I'm against it. Rebuttal?"
  • (Russ Lieber) "Um, well -- I'm against it too."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "I accept your apology. Look, they tried your idea in Russia. Minimum wage is just line item Communism. All right? The government is controlling the economy. We won the Cold War, Mr Lieber, fair and square."
  • (Russ Lieber) "Well, I don't see what the Cold War has to do with this."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Then why don't you support our troops?"
  • (Russ Lieber) "I, I do. I don't see what that has to do with --"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "So it'd be better for you if Saddam were back in power?"
  • (Russ Lieber) "No, we were talking about minimum wage."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "On September 11th, 2001 --"
  • (Russ Lieber) "Oh come on, September 11th has nothing to do with this."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "I am not gonna let anyone sit here and bad mouth our firemen. No way. Sorry, not on my show, mister. Cut off his mike."
  • (Russ Lieber) "Oh, now wait a second."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Cut off his mike."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "I can still hear him, what is that? Is he coming through my mike? Cut off my mike."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Equations are the devil's sentences."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Anyone can read the news to you. What I plan to do is feel the news at you."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Shave your head, get a wet sponge, and flip the switch, 'cause you're about to get a Truthocution."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "George Bush -- great president, or the greatest president?"
  • (Stephen Colbert) "The 9/11 Commission says we are woefully unprepared for another terrorist attack, calling it inevitable. Well, it's inevitable now that we've told the terrorists about it."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "For God sake, shut the f*** up."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Don't touch that dial. And, if your TV has a dial, go buy a new one."
  • (Stephen Colbert) "Projects this size cannot merely be accomplished by mere humans. It seems that our enemies are in league -- with the mole men. Now what gets me here is that the mole men are supposed to be peaceful creatures. Superman defended them against an angry mob of townsfolk who feared that which they could not understand. Why would they consort with the enemy? Wait -- wait, I got it. It's the C.H.U.D. Which I don't need to tell you are the Cannabalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. C.H.U.D -- now you've gone too far."

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