The Critic Quotes

The Critic is a Animated sitcom that first aired in 1994 on American Broadcasting Company (1994). The Critic ended its run in 1995.

The Critic lasted 3 seasons and 33 episodes. It features Jon Lovitz doing voices, Hans Zimmer as theme composer, and Alf Clausen as composer. The Critic is executive produced by Al Jean. The Critic is created by Al Jean.

The Critic is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The Critic is 22 minutes (1994-1995) long. The Critic is produced by Gracie Films and distributed by Columbia Pictures Television.

The Critic Quotes

• (Unnamed) "I'd like to sleep with your wife and I'm prepared to pay -- six dollars."
• (Unnamed) "Last time you paid us a million."
• (Unnamed) "I know. At the time, I was worth one million and six dollars."

• (Marty Sherman) "This is worse than the time you sucker-punched Mr. Rogers."

• (Jay Sherman) "I love French films, pretentious boring French films. I love French Films, two tickets s'il vous plaît."
• (Jay Sherman) "Ow."

• (Rod McKuen) "If you're really a Rabbi, circumcise this child."
• (Unnamed) "Hava nagila, baby."

• (Orson Welles) "Rosebud -- yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness. Wait, that's terrible. I quit."

• (Unnamed) "Excuse me, sir. The show's over."
• (Jay Sherman) "Is the snack bar still open?"

• (Jay Sherman) "Hah, haaaah, how awkward."

• (Franklin) "I have a new girlfriend for you, son. Her name is Barbie and she lives in Mali-boo. She already has a boyfriend named Ken, but he's not much of a man,"
• (Franklin) "-- I checked."

• (Jay Sherman) "Hello?"
• (Doris) "Jay, it's Doris. I'm at the morgue. Can you come down and tell them I'm not dead? They don't believe me."

• (Jay Sherman) "God love her, Mom, I couldn't change her mind. You should be proud she has your will."
• (Eleanor Sherman) "She may have my will, but she doesn't have my gun."

• (Unnamed) "In my next film, Joe Piscopo and I play Siamese twins joined at the tongues. It's called"
• (Unnamed) ""Part 2"."

• (Unnamed) "I have gone to a better place. A place filled with Mrs. Pell's Fish Sticks. Yes. Oh yes. They're even better when you're dead."

• (Jay Sherman) "Why are you helping me?"
• (Jeremy) "Because you're the only decent guy I've met in this whole Godforsaken country. I love you, mate."
• (Jay Sherman) "Wow, twice in one day."
• (Vlada Villamiravitch) "I love you too."
• (Jay Sherman) "You just love me for my money."
• (Vlada Villamiravitch) "This is true, but it is a love that will never die."

• (Duke Phillips) "All right, Sherman you've been down here long enough. I'll give you the dental plan with a $50 deductible."
• (Jay Sherman) "$25 deductible."
• (Duke Phillips) "See you in five years."

• (Jay Sherman) "Well, first of all, I'd like to thank you for all the years of laughter and tears."
• (Adam West) "What tears would those be?"
• (Jay Sherman) "Why, tears of -- laughter."

• (Jay Sherman) "On the Shermometer this film rates an absolute zero. BRRR."

• (Franklin Sherman) "I was the head of a trucker's union once. That reminds me -- there's a lot of money and some dead bodies buried in the back yard."

• (Jay Sherman) "So -- Ardeth -- How's my favorite ex-wife?"
• (Ardeth) "The judge says every time you speak to me it'll cost you a hundred dollars."
• (Jay Sherman) "Here's TWO hundred. Get bent."

• (Unnamed) "You've lost two pounds."
• (Jay Sherman) "Yes. Back to my college weight."

• (Franklin) "Son, I'm going to run for Vice President. And I'm going to be honest with the American people, I'm not going to wear this toupee anymore."
• (Jay Sherman) "Dad, you don't wear a toupee."
• (Franklin) "I will from now on."

• (Doris) "What could you do with me in three days?"
• (Duke Phillips) "Honey, I could make you Mrs. Ernest Borgnine."
• (Doris) "Pass."

• (Phil Hartman) "So, Pat. Are you a man or a woman?"
• (Jeremy) "She's a girl, mate. I saw her changing in the dressing room."
• (Unnamed) "WHAAA. You ruined my career."

• (Jay Sherman) "You're watching Fox. Give us ten minutes and we'll give you an ass."

• (Jay Sherman) "I do have a way with women -- over sixty."

• (Jay Sherman) "Celebrity voices are impersonated. No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode."

• (Jay Sherman) "I want everyone to know before I get in that I had a big Mexican lunch."
• (Limo Driver) "Hey, don't worry about it. I once drove James Coco home after a Texas chili cook-off."

• (Jay Sherman) "Skull cracked -- Brains leaking out -- Can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie --"

• (Eleanor) "I've forgotten what a fabulous dancer you are."
• (Franklin) "And I forgot to turn the oven off."
• (Shakleford) "Burn, baby, burn."

• (Jay Sherman) "To all the girls I've loved on screen, for instance, Stephen King's Christine."

• (Chauffeur) "Hey Mister -- Why does your car say King Dork?"
• (Jay Sherman) "Uhh, I bought it from King Dorkenheiser of Finland."
• (Chauffeur) "I thought Finland was a constitutional democracy."
• (Jay Sherman) "Just park the car."

• (Unnamed) "Learn from this man, class, we should all be such independent thinkers."
• (Unnamed) "Be an independent thinker --"

• (Duke Phillips) "I'm gonna run this country like I run my company: I'm gonna raid the pension fund, dump chemicals in the oceans, and sell our best assets to the Japanese."
• (Unnamed) "Ooh. Looks like Reaganomics is making a comeback."
• (Duke Phillips) "Half you states are in the toilet, and you're not coming out. New York, you know what I'm talking about. California, kiss your smoggy butt goodbye. New England, you're going back to Old England."
• (Unnamed) "Oh, I don't want that."
• (Unnamed) "More poison? I mean, tea?"
• (Unnamed) "Don't mind if I do -- Oops, almost had me there."

• (Duke Phillips) "Thank you, Jay. After I die, you can eat my brain. It will give you power."

• (Jay Sherman) "-- and that's why Goldie Hawn should be shot."

• (Jay Sherman) "Take your genitalia right back to Australia."

• (Jay Sherman) "Cyrus is just a virus / He wants to tie you down while you're still young / Your potential is what's essential / You can someday be another Connie Chuuuuuuung."

• (Doris) "Let me know if you're suffering any brain damage --"
• (Jay Sherman) "Dance with me, Tony. Dance with me."
• (Doris) "You're fine."

• (Unnamed) "Jay, your alimony payment is eight minutes late; I'm calling my lawyer."

• (Gene Siskel) "Hey, Jay. It's Gene Siskel. I've decided I'd like YOU to be my new partner. Let me know if you're game so I can tell Rex Reed to get lost."
• (Roger Ebert) "Jay, it's Roger Ebert. How'd you like to be my new partner? Give me a call so I can get Rex Reed out of my hair."
• (Rex Reed) "Jay, it's Rex Reed. I don't care if you got the job. I've got a NEW partner."
• (Rex Reed) "That's right, Pauline Kael."

• (Jay Sherman) "So run, don't mosey, to "The Tea Cozy," it really hits the spot. Ha-ha-ha."

• (Marty Sherman) "Being President's hard work. All the other kids want to do is goof off and eat candy."
• (Jay Sherman) "Son, as President, you're above that."
• (Unnamed) "I do solemnly swear that as your President, I will goof off and eat candy."
• (Unnamed) "Four more years. Four more years."

• (Duke Phillips) "I'm giving you five days of my time to turn you around."
• (Jay Sherman) "What if five days isn't enough?"
• (Duke Phillips) "Son, I spent just three days with a young man named Bill Clinton, and look at him now."
• (Jay Sherman) "Maybe you should've taken four."
• (Duke Phillips) "Yeah --"

• (Gene Siskel) "Well I thought that movie was very poignant. Especially the part where Tom Cruise is going around Las Vegas with a bucket full of his brother."
• (Roger Ebert) "Aw, c'mon, Gene. That was just another pointless sequel that didn't need to be made."
• (Gene Siskel) "This, from the man who liked 'Benji the Hunted?'"
• (Roger Ebert) "Hey, you liked 'Carnosaur.'"
• (Gene Siskel) "Well I bet you'll like this."
• (Gene Siskel) "Hasta la vista, Porky."
• (Roger Ebert) "Cue ball in the side pocket."

• (Unnamed) "Excuse me, sir. The movie's over."
• (Jay Sherman) "I'm stuck in the chair."

• (Jay Sherman) "I always have to look my sexiest. That's why I'm wearing these tight size 42 pants."

• (Unnamed) "Hath not a dude eyes? If you prick us, do we not get bummed? If we eat bad guacamole, do we not blow chunks?"

• (Duke Phillips) "Well, like most of America's cultural elite, I worship Pan, the goat god."

• (Unnamed) "I am Frau Doubtfire."
• (Unnamed) "No, you're not. You're my husband in a dress."
• (Unnamed) "I am so a woman. Look at my fake bosoms, they are really grenades"
• (Unnamed) "They'll be back."

• (Eleanor) "Franklin, my life is an endless grey corridor."
• (Franklin) "I've been there too. Usually there's a midget making googly eyes at me. I call him Mr. Picolini."

• (Eleanor) "Can't one dinner pass where we don't talk about your rotting corpse?"

• (Jeremy) "Bubbie, never marry an actress. And never do blackface at the NAACP Image Awards -- two things I've learned from experience."

• (Alice Tompkins) "Whenever he sings to me, I melt like butter on a bagel. God, I've been in New York too long."

• (Jay Sherman) "Oh, my shrink was right. God does hate me."

• (Doris) "Kiss my surprisingly firm butt."

• (Jay Sherman) "It stinks."
• (Jay Sherman) "Hotchie Motchie."

• (Jay Sherman) "Please you've got to tell me, did a beautiful woman leave my apartment?"
• (Unnamed) "I wouldn't know, I've been drinking in the alley all morning."

• (Jay Sherman) "If you ask me, he should've gone to the "Acting Fields"."

• (Unnamed) "You'll be partnering with a woman, a cute little kid, an ugly old dog, a dinosaur, and a leprechaun."
• (Unnamed) "I'll be your lucky charm."
• (Unnamed) "You think you've got problems? I'm partnered with a pig, an alien, Siamese twins, a sofa, and a second rate mime."

• (Satin) "Tim Allen gives that same likeable performance we've always loved, once again proving that Disney pictures have the magical touch that may not win awards but keep America smiling. How's that?"
• (Gene Siskel) "You're Satan, aren't you?"
• (Satin) "You've won another round, Siskel. But we shall meet again."

• (Marty Sherman) "But I can't act."
• (Unnamed) "That's what a young Steve Guttenberg said to me, but look at him now. No, wait -- look at him four years ago."

• (Unnamed) "Mr. Phillips, you are fabulously wealthy, you're a world class athlete, you were great in bed last night. How does that feel?"
• (Duke Phillips) "I have no one to envy. I envy you having me to envy."

• (Jay Sherman) "Don't worry, son, if you think that only handsome musicians can get beautiful women, I have two words for you: Lyle Lovett."
• (Marty Sherman) "I thought that he was handsome."
• (Jay Sherman) "You're thinking of Jon Lovitz. With his good looks, he takes the cake."

• (Jay Sherman) "My least favorite part was when you spit poison in the obnoxious fat guy's face."
• (Jay Sherman) "I did not see that coming."

• (Jay Sherman) "Well, here's what I think --"
• (Duke Phillips) "Sorry, son, our research shows that people don't care what you think. They just tune in for the funny clips."

• (Unnamed) "HOO-AH. Jay this is Al HOO-AH Pacino. I can't stop saying HOO-AH. Go see my new movie, Godfather Part HOO-AH."

• (Jay Sherman) "Lady, don't take this the wrong way, but you're nuts."
• (Unnamed) "Oh, you sound just like the toaster."

• (Jay Sherman) "They do the same sketches every week. They're nothing but a string of catch-phrases; Yeah, that's the ticket."

• (Unnamed) "Excuse me sir, the show is over."
• (Jay Sherman) "But I have nowhere to go --"

• (Duke Phillips) "Look, this isn't art. It's just mindless pabulum for losers who can barely read. Oh, that reminds me, I've got an interview with People Magazine."

• (Jay Sherman) "You are an insipid walking commercial, and your cereal turned my urine pink."

• (Gene Shalit) "Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day. If you don't believe me, look out the window."

• (Duke Phillips) "Gaze into the hypnotic power of my evil eye."
• (Duke Phillips) "Is there a follow-up question?"
• (Unnamed) "How may I serve you, evil one?"

• (Jay Sherman) "You're old enough to be my mother."
• (Doris) "So? You're fat enough to be my car."

• (Unnamed) "Whoopsie, I swallowed a pin. That's gonna be a fun little journey."

• (Jay Sherman) "I can't die like this. I have holes in my Little Mermaid underwear."

• (Jay Sherman) "-- And that's why I'm glad The Beatles broke up."

• (Jay Sherman) "I'm sitting on a volcano of rage and I have nowhere to release it."
• (Marty Sherman) "Hey, here's a critic's pass to the new Sylvester Stallone picture."
• (Jay Sherman) "What's it about?"
• (Marty Sherman) "He plays a concert pianist who --"
• (Jay Sherman) "To the multiplex."
• (Marty Sherman) "Yay."

• (Jay Sherman) "And remember, you don't have to listen to your stomach."
• (Unnamed) "What was that hogwash you've been feedin' the boy?"
• (Jay Sherman) "Nothing, Master, I said nothing."
• (Unnamed) "Very well. Now dance for me."

• (Franklin) "Great news, Wilson. My wife is happy."
• (Unnamed) "Who?"
• (Franklin) "My wife, Eleanor."
• (Unnamed) "Who?"
• (Franklin) "My wife, Eleanor."
• (Unnamed) "Who?"
• (Franklin) "My wife, Eleanor."

• (Jay Sherman) "Next year, you could be head of the studio."
• (Unnamed) "No, last year I was head of the studio. A twelve-picture deal with Shelly Long seemed like a good idea --"

• (Unnamed) "International foodfight."
• (Unnamed) "We surrender."

• (Jay Sherman) "Listen Chaz, if you work hard like me, then maybe someday you won't be coming here early to give people their donuts."
• (Unnamed) "Yes, I will. I used to be Vanilla Ice."

• (Jay Sherman) "I don't want Rhett coming back to Scarlett. I don't want the guy from "My Left Foot" to become a punter for the Bears. I want Debra Winger, Ali MacGraw and Bambi's mother to die."

• (Jay Sherman) "Mom, Dad, I never made you laugh."
• (Franklin) "Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff."
• (Eleanor) "No, Franklin, that was the Roadrunner."
• (Jay Sherman) "No, that was me."

• (Unnamed) "You may have us, but you'll never get off the island."
• (Unnamed) "I beg to differ. You see, the other Raptors and I have constructed a crude suspension bridge to Venezuela. Once there, I shall lie low and assume odd jobs under the name "Mr Pilkington." But perhaps I've said too much --"

• (Franklin) "There's a reason there's a banana in my ear. I'm trying to lure the monkey out of my head."

• (Duke Phillips) "Why the hell do you have to be so critical?"
• (Jay Sherman) "I'm a critic. It's my job."
• (Duke Phillips) "No, your job is to rate movies on a scale from "good" to "excellent.""
• (Jay Sherman) "What if I don't like them?"
• (Duke Phillips) "That's what "good" is for."

• (Unnamed) "Eat lead, rabbi."
• (Unnamed) "Sorry, that's not kosher."

• (Jay Sherman) "This film gets my highest rating; seven out of ten."

• (Unnamed) "Arthur, I'm afraid you have -- acute cirrhosis."
• (Arthur) "And you have a cute little butt. Ha-ha-ha."
• (Unnamed) "No, you don't understand. Your pancreas is swollen to the size of a basketball."
• (Arthur) "No wonder I dribble so much. Ha-ha-ha."
• (Unnamed) "This is very serious, you have less than a year to live."
• (Arthur) "Don't look now, but somebody's eaten all your popsicles. Ha-ha-ha. Why there's a piano."
• (Arthur) "I've got a liver the size of coconuts --"

• (Duke Phillips) "I like to think of you as a big, fat toilet I flush all my money down -- sort of a Johnny Cash."

• (Franklin Sherman) "I'm not wearing pants. I split my pants, and now I'm not wearing pants."

• (Jay Sherman) "That's why the best actor of this generation, and every generation, is Ned Beatty."

• (Unnamed) "All right, hotshot. You think you're so smart? Let's see you read this book."
• (Unnamed) "Bogus."
• (Unnamed) "If you read under fifty words a minute, this book explodes. Ready? Begin."
• (Unnamed) "One -- f-f-fish. "Twoah" -- oh, no, TWO -- f-f-f -- oh, FISH. Red -- f-f-f --"
• (Unnamed) "It's 'fish,' you idiot. FISH."
• (Unnamed) "Dude, now I lost my place."

• (Duke Phillips) "And how's that other word I invented doing, "Duke-licious?" Nobody's using it? What a "Duke-tastrophe -- ""

• (Jay Sherman) "Jeremy, you're just an actor. You don't know how to use that thing."
• (Jeremy) "It's just a gun for god's sakes, not a bloody Xerox machine."

• (Shakleford) "I'm sorry Master Jay, I did so want to scrub your dainties, but they somehow caught fire. Why do they burn so long?"

• (Franklin) "Oh son, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times -- who are all you people?"

• (Eleanor) "Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will; we feel you already have enough money. Oh yes, and happy birthday."

• (Jay Sherman) "Hey Mom, what do you think about the tux?"
• (Eleanor) "Oh, Jay, you look good enough to bury."

• (Unnamed) "Excuse me, the show's over."
• (Alice Tompkins) "Get away, pipsqueak."
• (Jay Sherman) "That's why I love her."

• (Jay Sherman) "What's that sulfur smell coming from the egg bin? Ah it must mean the eggs have ripened. Wait a minute. Eggs don't ripen. Eggs don't ripen."

• (Jay Sherman) "I've got to keep driving, I can't stop for anything."
• (Unnamed) "Meet Ingmar Bergman, 25 cents."
• (Jay Sherman) "Oh --"
• (Unnamed) "Well, you'd best get back to the strawberry patch with Polanski and Bertolucci."

• (Franklin Sherman) "Just reach in there and pull him out. That's how I met 'the Fonz'."

• (Jay Sherman) ""Rain Man"/"A Few Good Men"/"The Firm" is the latest stinker from Tom Cruise. He doesn't act anymore, he's on 'Cruise control.'"

• (Duke Phillips) "Jay, we need something to take the edge off of you. Hmm. How bout a sassy black kid? He can call you "Uncle J," and you can call him "Little Shabazz.""

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