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The Muppet Movie Quotes

The Muppet Movie is a television program that first aired in 1970 . The Muppet Movie ended its run in 1970.

It features Jim Henson as producer, Kenneth Ascher; Paul Williams in charge of musical score, and Isidore Mankofsky as head of cinematography.

The Muppet Movie is recorded in English and originally aired in United Kingdom, and United States. Each episode of The Muppet Movie is 97 minutes long.

The cast includes: Jim Henson as Kermit, Dave Goelz as Gonzo, Bruce Kirby as Gate Guard, Frank Oz as Miss Piggy, Steve Martin as Insolent Waiter, Charles Durning as Doc Hopper, Austin Pendleton as Max, Mel Brooks as Max Krassman, James Frawley as Waiter, James Coburn as El Sleezo Cafe Owner, Lawrence Gabriel Jr as Sailor, Jerry Nelson as Floyd Pepper, Caroll Spinney as Big Bird, Richard Hunt as Zoot, Carol Kane as Myth, Bob Hope as Ice Cream Vendor, James Coburn as El Sleezo Patron, Telly Savalas as El Sleezo Tough, Dom DeLuise as Bernie, Scott Walker as Beaker, Paul Williams as El Sleezo Pianist, Richard Pryor as Balloon Vendor, and Orson Welles as Lew Lord.

The Muppet Movie Quotes

Jim Henson as Kermit

  • (Jim Henson) "I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood, anyway? Just a dream I got from sitting through too many double features."
  • (Unnamed) "So why did you leave the swamp in the first place?"
  • (Jim Henson) "'Cause some agent fella said I had talent. He probably says that to everybody."
  • (Unnamed) "On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow."
  • (Jim Henson) "Yeah. But then it would just be me feeling miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear, and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey."
  • (Unnamed) "Mmm; Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much."
  • (Jim Henson) "No I guess not. Anyhow, I brought them all out here to the middle of nowhere, and it's all my fault."
  • (Unnamed) "Still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember; they wanted to come."
  • (Jim Henson) "But -- that's because they believed in me."
  • (Unnamed) "No, they believed in the dream."
  • (Jim Henson) "Well, so do I, but --"
  • (Unnamed) "You do?"
  • (Jim Henson) "Yeah. Of course I do."
  • (Unnamed) "Well then?"
  • (Jim Henson) "Well then -- I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me."
  • (Fozzie) "Five hundred dollars? Would you consider a bear in a frog suit?"
  • (Jim Henson) "Fozzie."
  • (Fozzie) "I'm sorry, sir, I just lost my head."
  • (Charles Durning) "Just a minute, Mr. Frog. Everything's negotiable."
  • (Mad Man Mooney) "Jack, get rid of this heap. Come out here."
  • (Sweetums) "What? What?"
  • (Mad Man Mooney) "That's my jack."
  • (Jim Henson) "Oh, hi Jack."
  • (Sweetums) "Jack not name. Jack job."
  • (Mad Man Mooney) "How many times have I told you not to talk to the customers?"
  • (Jim Henson) "Gonzo. What are you doing?"
  • (Dave Goelz) "About seven knots."
  • (Jim Henson) "This is the patriotic part."
  • (Robin the Frog) "Should we stand up?"
  • (Jim Henson) "No."
  • (Rowlf the Dog) "Oh. Broken heart, right?"
  • (Jim Henson) "Does it show?"
  • (Rowlf the Dog) "Listen, when you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star."
  • (Jim Henson) "Exactly. She just walked out on me."
  • (Rowlf the Dog) "Ah, typical. That's why I live alone."
  • (Jim Henson) "You do, huh?"
  • (Rowlf the Dog) "You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk, and go to bed."
  • (Jim Henson) "Nice and simple."
  • (Rowlf the Dog) "Stay away from women. That's my motto."
  • (Jim Henson) "But I can't."
  • (Rowlf the Dog) "Neither can I. And that's my trouble."
  • (Jim Henson) "Boy, it feels like we've been driving for days."
  • (Fozzie) "Funny, yet I'm still wide awake."
  • (Jim Henson) "Yup. Me, too."
  • (Jim Henson) "Me, too."
  • (Jim Henson) "What's happening?"
  • (Jerry Nelson) "At the moment, we're what's happenin'."
  • (Dr. Teeth) "Doc Hopper will never recognize you now."
  • (Fozzie) "I don't know how to thank you guys."
  • (Jim Henson) "I don't know why to thank you guys."
  • (Jim Henson) "Bear left."
  • (Fozzie) "Right, frog."
  • (Jim Henson) "Fozzie, they're right behind us."
  • (Fozzie) "I know, I know."
  • (Jim Henson) "But Fozzie, how did they recognize us?"
  • (Fozzie) "They recognized YOU. There's a hundred bears around."
  • (Jim Henson) "Um, Mr. Lord, forgive the interruption, but I'm here to audition."
  • (Unnamed) "Yes. Yes."
  • (Jim Henson) "We've come over 2000 miles, and --"
  • (Jim Henson) "Um -- oh boy."
  • (Frank Oz) "Kermie, we are all with you."
  • (Jim Henson) "Um, please sir, my name is Kermit the Frog, and we've read your ad, and, well, we've come to be rich and famous."
  • (Orson Welles) "Miss Tracy, prepare the standard 'Rich and Famous' contract for Kermit the Frog and Company."
  • (Jim Henson) "If what I'm saying doesn't make any sense, well then -- go ahead and kill me."
  • (Charles Durning) "All right boys. Kill him."
  • (Jim Henson) "Did we do something wrong, Officer?"
  • (Jim Henson) "Okay, Guys. Let him explain the violation issue."
  • (Austin Pendleton) "This whole disguise is only so that I can warn you."
  • (Fozzie) "Okay, Sure, Sure."
  • (Austin Pendleton) "I never thought Doc was going to hurt Kermit, I thought he was going to lean on him. But now he has hired a frog killer in from the coast, And the man is DEADLY."
  • (Jim Henson) "Hey Dr. Teeth, What's up ahead?"
  • (Dr. Teeth) "Well, Just an old ghost town."
  • (Jim Henson) "Okay."
  • (Jim Henson) "You tell Doc Hopper. I'll wait for him there."
  • (Austin Pendleton) "What?"
  • (Fozzie) "You could killed, Kermit."
  • (Jim Henson) "Listen you guys, I can't spend my whole life running away from bullies, It's time for a showdown."
  • (Jim Henson) "This guy's lost."
  • (James Frawley) "Maybe he should try Hare Krishna."
  • (Jim Henson) "Good grief, it's a running gag."
  • (Jim Henson) "That's pretty dangerous building a road in the middle of the street. I mean, if frogs couldn't hop, I'd be gone with the Schwinn."
  • (Fozzie) "Kermit, where are we?"
  • (Jim Henson) "Well, let's see. We're just traveling down this little black line here, and uh, just crossed that little red line over here."
  • (Fozzie) "How about, let's take the blue line, huh?"
  • (Jim Henson) "No, we can't take that, that's a river."
  • (Fozzie) "Oh. I knew that."
  • (Jim Henson) "Yeah sure."
  • (Fozzie) "Well, listen Kermit, why don't we just go and --"
  • (Jim Henson) "Fozzie? Uh, Fozzie?"
  • (Fozzie) "Yeah?"
  • (Jim Henson) "Who's driving?"
  • (Animal) "IR-RI-TA-TED. IR-RI-TA-TED."
  • (Jim Henson) "Don't worry, Animal, your big scene is coming up."
  • (Jerry Nelson) "Yeah, just be cool and eat another seat cushion."
  • (Animal) "SEAT CUSHION."
  • (Jim Henson) "Oh, waiter --"
  • (Steve Martin) "Yes? May I help you?"
  • (Jim Henson) "The uh, the wine, please."
  • (Jim Henson) "I've heard it too many times to ignore it. It's something that I'm s'posed to be."
  • (Jim Henson) "Hey, Fozzie, look up ahead there."
  • (Fozzie) "What is that?"
  • (Jim Henson) "Maybe we should give him a ride."
  • (Fozzie) "I don't know, he's pretty big."
  • (Fozzie) "Hey there, wanna lift?"
  • (Caroll Spinney) "Oh, no thanks. I'm on my way to New York City to try to break into public television."
  • (Fozzie) "Oh. Hm, good luck."
  • (Jim Henson) "That's Piggy."
  • (Fozzie) "Yes, I know."
  • (Rowlf the Dog) "Hey, you do think we should help her with her bags?"
  • (Fozzie) "Aah, no."
  • (Fozzie) "No, nah, un-uh."
  • (Jim Henson) "Will you taste it for us, please?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Ooh. Ah -- Excellent; choice."
  • (Jim Henson) "Should be, for ninety-five cents."
  • (Frank Oz) "Ooooh."
  • (Jim Henson) "Hey, what happened?"
  • (The Swedish Chef) "Gersh gurndy morn-dee burn-dee, burn-dee, flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip."
  • (Jim Henson) "Frankly, Miss Piggy, I don't give a hoot."
  • (Jim Henson) "That's enough of that, Harry."

James Coburn as El Sleezo Patron

  • (James Coburn) "Hello, sailor, buy me a drink?"
  • (Jim Henson) "Well, you see, I'm not a sailor, I'm a frog."
  • (James Coburn) "Oh, cut the small talk and buy me a drink."
  • (Jim Henson) "I don't even know you."
  • (Telly Savalas) "Hey. Did you make a move with my girl?"
  • (Jim Henson) "No, sir."
  • (James Coburn) "He did too. He touched me."
  • (Telly Savalas) "Ugh. Wash up, you'll get warts."
  • (Jim Henson) "That's a myth."
  • (Telly Savalas) "Yeah, but she's my "myth"."
  • (Jim Henson) "No, no, myth, myth."
  • (Carol Kane) "Yeth?"
  • (James Coburn) "That's toughest, meanest, filthiest pest hole on the face of the earth."
  • (Jim Henson) "Why not complain to the owner?"
  • (James Coburn) "I am the owner."

Frank Oz as Miss Piggy

  • (Frank Oz) "Ooh, you mad, impetuous thing, it's champagne."
  • (Steve Martin) "Not exactly. Sparkling Muscatel, one of the finest wines of Idaho."
  • (Frank Oz) "Ow."
  • (Frank Oz) "Watch it."
  • (Jim Henson) "Miss Piggy, you look beautiful."
  • (Frank Oz) "Thank you."
  • (Jim Henson) "Hollywood talk."
  • (Frank Oz) "Oh Kermie, you were so courageous, so magnificent."
  • (Jim Henson) "Gee, I don't know what to say."
  • (Fozzie) "Say the bear was magnificent. After all, I did the driving."
  • (Dave Goelz) "And I took a hundred-foot belly flop onto a moving car."
  • (Frank Oz) "Yes, but Kermit assumed the awesome responsibility of command."
  • (Jim Henson) "Gee."
  • (Fozzie) "Oh, brother."
  • (Rowlf the Dog) "It's the fuzz, the police, the man with the badge. The P; I --"
  • (Frank Oz) "Don't you dare."
  • (Rowlf the Dog) "Oh, I wouldn't think of it."
  • (Frank Oz) "Please. Please. Not my frog, please."
  • (Mel Brooks) "Say goodbye to your frog, pig."
  • (Frank Oz) "Why should I?"
  • (Mel Brooks) "Because in 10 seconds, he won't know you from kosher bacon."
  • (Frank Oz) "That does it."
  • (Frank Oz) "Oh, Kermie, look, it's wonderful. Like a dream come true."
  • (Jim Henson) "Well, don't count your tadpoles until they've hatched, I still have to audition, you know."
  • (Jerry Nelson) "Hey, there ain't nothin' to it but to do it."
  • (Lord's Secretary) "And where do you think you're going?"
  • (Jim Henson) "Oh, hi there. We're here to audition for Lew Lord."
  • (Lord's Secretary) "You just can't walk in here off the street you know, especially with all these animals."
  • (Jim Henson) "Animals? Wh-What's wrong with animals?"
  • (Lord's Secretary) "This is a movie studio, not a zoo. Besides --"
  • (Lord's Secretary) "-- I'm allergic to animal hair. Now get along all of you."
  • (Jim Henson) "Now wait a second, miss. I may not be one of your fancy Hollywood frogs, but I deserve a chance, and we're going to stay right here in this office until you let us in to see Lew Lord. Aren't we, gang?"
  • (Lord's Secretary) "Security, Miss Tracey. I want to report a --"
  • (Frank Oz) "Kermie, whisper sweet nothings into my ear."
  • (Jim Henson) "Uh -- motorcycle cop."
  • (Frank Oz) ""Motorcycle cop" is a sweet nothing?"
  • (Jim Henson) "A motorcycle cop is chasing us."

Charles Durning as Doc Hopper

  • (Charles Durning) "What does it do?"
  • (Mel Brooks) "What does it do? What does it do? It turns the brains into guacamole."
  • (Charles Durning) "I'll be back later to pick up what's left of the frog."
  • (Mel Brooks) "What's left of the frog? You can have everything; excuse the brain."
  • (Charles Durning) "Hey; frog. That's the second time. Max, I've done my best with that frog, now's the time to do my worst. Open the door."
  • (Austin Pendleton) "No, YOU open the door."
  • (Charles Durning) "What?"
  • (Austin Pendleton) "I'm through, Doc. The frog is right. You're asking him to do something terrible. I can't be a part of it. It's a moral decision and I'll stand by it."
  • (Charles Durning) "I'll double your percentage."
  • (Austin Pendleton) "I'll open the door."
  • (Charles Durning) "Max. Follow that frog."
  • (Charles Durning) "Max."
  • (Charles Durning) "Follow that frog with me in the car."

Jerry Nelson as Floyd Pepper

  • (Jerry Nelson) "What in the name of Fats Waller is that?"
  • (Dr. Bunsen Honeydew) "A four foot prune."
  • (Jerry Nelson) "What else do these pills make big?"
  • (Dr. Bunsen Honeydew) "Oh, they'll work on anything, but the effect is, sadly, temporary."
  • (Scott Walker) "Sadly temporary."

Dom DeLuise as Bernie

  • (Dom DeLuise) "If you ever come out west to Hollywood, look me up: Bernie, the agent."
  • (Jim Henson) "Hey, listen, Bernie the Agent, why don't you say "hello" to Arnie the alligator?"

Steve Martin as Insolent Waiter

  • (Steve Martin) "Miss Piggy? Miss Piggy. Are you Miss Piggy?"
  • (Frank Oz) "Yes."
  • (Steve Martin) "Telephone."

Dave Goelz as Gonzo

  • (Dave Goelz) "If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable."
  • (Dave Goelz) "There's not a word yet, for old friends who've just met."
  • (Fozzie) "Hey, why don't you join us?"
  • (Dave Goelz) "Where are you going?"
  • (Fozzie) "We're following our dream."
  • (Dave Goelz) "Really? I have a dream, too."
  • (Fozzie) "Oh?"
  • (Dave Goelz) "But you'll think it's stupid."
  • (Fozzie) "No we won't, tell us, tell us."
  • (Dave Goelz) "Well, I want to go to Bombay, India and become a movie star."
  • (Fozzie) "You don't go to Bombay to become a movie star. You go where we're going: Hollywood."
  • (Dave Goelz) "Sure, if you want to do it the easy way."
  • (Fozzie) "We've picked up a weirdo --"
  • (Dave Goelz) "All right, Camilla, I'll get you a balloon, but you have to pick the color: red or green?"
  • (Richard Pryor) "Can I give you a word of advice?"
  • (Dave Goelz) "What?"
  • (Richard Pryor) "Why not take both?"
  • (Dave Goelz) "What a wild idea."
  • (Richard Pryor) "Yeah, a beautiful chicken like that deserves two balloons."
  • (Dave Goelz) "You're right."
  • (Richard Pryor) "I have guys come in all the time. Sometimes, they'll get a buncha balloons for their girls, and they go gaga for it."
  • (Dave Goelz) "Gaga? I'll take the whole bunch."
  • (Camilla) "Gaga. Gaga."

Bob Hope as Ice Cream Vendor

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Richard Hunt as Zoot

  • (Richard Hunt) "I'm, uh, uhh --"
  • (Jerry Nelson) "Zoot. Sax is your axe. Uh-oh, Zoot skipped a groove again."

Mel Brooks as Max Krassman

  • (Mel Brooks) "Oh, will you stop whimpering? Go out like a frog, not a little toad. Okay, Herr Machine, this is big time. Ready to go to work? Hand clamps. Foot clamps."
  • (Mel Brooks) "Ha, ha, ha, you can struggle all you want now, frog, it'll do you very little good. And now, it's time to drop the electronic beanie. Soon you'll have enough voltage coursing through your little frog brain to light up Cincinatti."
  • (Mel Brooks) "What the heck's going on here? A pig that goes bananas? What is this, a luau?"
  • (Mel Brooks) "We take your friend, the little F-O-R-G, put him in the chair, clamp on the terminals, drop the electronic "yarmulke," and then throw what we call in German; THE SVITCH."
  • (Mel Brooks) "Yes, my friend, soon it'll be a hot time in the old skull tonight."
  • (Mel Brooks) "Thank you, Herr Machine."
  • (Mel Brooks) "It is important to remember that you have to hold on to your hat."
  • (Charles Durning) "What for?"
  • (Mel Brooks) "When a German scientist tells you to hold on to your hat, it's not casual conversation. HOLD ON TO YOUR HAT. HAT. HOLD."
  • (Mel Brooks) "Good."

Bruce Kirby as Gate Guard

  • (Statler) "I'm Statler."
  • (Waldorf) "I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie"."
  • (Bruce Kirby) "Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D."
  • (Statler) "Private screening?"
  • (Waldorf) "Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public."

Paul Williams as El Sleezo Pianist

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Lawrence Gabriel Jr as Sailor

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