The Odd Couple (film) Quotes

The Odd Couple (film) is a TV show that was first aired in 1970 . The Odd Couple ended its run in 1970.

It features Howard W. Koch as producer, Neal Hefti in charge of musical score, and Robert B. Hauser as head of cinematography.

The Odd Couple (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The Odd Couple (film) is 105 minutes long. The Odd Couple (film) is distributed by Paramount Pictures.

The cast includes: Walter Matthau as Oscar Madison, Herb Edelman as Murray, John Fiedler as Vinnie, Jack Lemmon as Felix Ungar, David Sheiner as Roy, Larry Haines as Speed, Billie Bird as Chambermaid, Carole Shelley as Gwendolyn Pigeon, and Monica Evans as Cecily Pigeon.

The Odd Couple (film) Quotes

Walter Matthau as Oscar Madison

• (Walter Matthau) "Murray, I'll give you $200 for your gun."

• (Walter Matthau) "Don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it's not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do."

• (Walter Matthau) "Stop that, will ya? What are you doing?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "I'm trying to clear up my ears. Fmuh. Fmuh. You create a pressure inside your head, HMAHHH. Opens up the Eustachian tubes. HMAHH. HMAAHH. HMAH-huh. FMAAAAAHHH."
• (Walter Matthau) "Did it open up?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "Uh-huh, I think I sprained my throat. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh."

• (Walter Matthau) "It takes two to make a rotten mariage."

• (Walter Matthau) "Felix, what about next Friday night? You're not gonna break up the poker game, are you?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "Me, never. Marriage may come and go, but the game must go on. So long, Frances."
• (Walter Matthau) "So long, Blanche."
• (Walter Matthau) "Well, what are we gonna do, are we just gonna sit around or are we gonna play poker?"
• (David Sheiner) "Let's play some poker."
• (Jack Lemmon) "Hey boys, boys, boys, let's watch the cigarette butts, shall we? This is my house, not a pigsty."

• (Walter Matthau) "Why doesn't he hear me? I know I'm talking. I recognize my voice."

• (Walter Matthau) "You're not gonna make any effort to change? This is the person you're gonna be until the day you die?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "We are what we are."

• (Walter Matthau) "We've got to get the pills out."
• (Jack Lemmon) "The pills are out. I threw up before."

• (Walter Matthau) "Why didn't you throw it?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "I almost did. Sometimes I get so insane with myself."
• (Walter Matthau) "Then why don't you throw the cup?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "I'm trying to control myself."
• (Walter Matthau) "Why are you trying to control yourself?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "What do you mean? Why?"
• (Walter Matthau) "You were angry. You felt like throwing the cup. Why didn't you throw it?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "Because I would still be angry and I would have a broken cup."

• (Walter Matthau) "Don't point that finger at me unless you intend to use it."

• (Walter Matthau) "Don't come to me with your petty problems. You get this one stinkin' night a week. I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day."

• (Walter Matthau) "Getting a clear picture on Channel 2 is not my idea of whoopee."

• (Walter Matthau) "I'm in for a quarter."
• (Herb Edelman) "Aren't you going to look at your cards first?"
• (Walter Matthau) "What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway. Who gets a Pepsi?"
• (Herb Edelman) "I get a Pepsi."
• (Walter Matthau) "My friend Murray the policeman gets a warm Pepsi."
• (David Sheiner) "You still didn't fix the refrigerator. It's been two weeks now; no wonder it stinks in here."
• (Walter Matthau) "Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife. I'm out. Who wants food?"
• (Herb Edelman) "What do you got?"
• (Walter Matthau) "I got, uh, brown sandwiches and, uh, green sandwiches. Which one do you want?"
• (Herb Edelman) "What's the green?"
• (Walter Matthau) "It's either very new cheese or very old meat."
• (Herb Edelman) "I'll take the brown."
• (David Sheiner) "Are you crazy? You're not going to eat that, are you?"
• (Herb Edelman) "I'm hungry."
• (David Sheiner) "His refrigerator has been out of order for two weeks now. I saw milk standing in there that wasn't even in the bottle."
• (Walter Matthau) "What are you, some kind of health nut? Eat, Murray, eat."

• (Walter Matthau) "Now kindly remove that spaghetti from my poker table."
• (Walter Matthau) "The hell's so funny?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "It's not spaghetti, it's linguini."
• (Walter Matthau) "Now it's garbage."

• (Walter Matthau) "Where are you going?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "To the john."
• (Walter Matthau) "Alone?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "I always go alone. Why?"
• (Walter Matthau) "No reason. You going to be in there long?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "As long as it takes."

• (Walter Matthau) "Hey wait a minute, wait a minute, the pot's shy. Who didn't put in a quarter?"
• (Herb Edelman) "You didn't."
• (Walter Matthau) "You got a big mouth, Murray. Just for that, lend me twenty dollars."
• (Herb Edelman) "I just loaned you twenty dollars. Borrow from somebody else, I keep winning my own money back."
• (David Sheiner) "You owe everybody in the game. If you don't have it, you shouldn't play."
• (Walter Matthau) "All right, I'm through being a nice guy, you owe me six dollars apiece for the buffet."
• (John Fiedler) "What Buffet?"
• (John Fiedler) "What buffet?"
• (Larry Haines) "What buffet? Hot beer and two sandwiches left over from when you went to high school."
• (Walter Matthau) "What do you want at a poker game, a tomato surprise? Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I'll call your wife and tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress."

• (Walter Matthau) "Can't you keep it warm?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "Who the hell do you think I am, the Magic Chef? I'm lucky I got it to come out at eight o'clock. Wh-wh-what am I gonna do?"
• (Walter Matthau) "I dunno, keep pouring gravy on it."
• (Jack Lemmon) "Gravy? What gravy?"
• (Walter Matthau) "Don't you have any gravy?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "Where the hell am I gonna get gravy at eight o'clock?"
• (Walter Matthau) "I dunno, I though it comes when you cook the meat."
• (Jack Lemmon) "Comes when you cook the meat."
• (Jack Lemmon) "You don't know what you're talking about, Oscar. You just don't know, because you have to MAKE gravy, it doesn't come."
• (Walter Matthau) "Well, you asked my advice --"
• (Jack Lemmon) "Your advice? You didn't even know where this kitchen was until I came hear and showed it to you."
• (Walter Matthau) "Listen buddy, if you're going to argue with me, put down that spoon."
• (Jack Lemmon) "Spoon? Haha, you dumb ignoramus, that is a ladle. You did not know that's a ladle."
• (Walter Matthau) "Get a hold of yourself, will ya?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "You think it's so easy? Go ahead, kitchen's yours, all yours, you make a meatloaf for four people who come a half-hour late. Go on."
• (Walter Matthau) "I can't believe I'm arguing with him over gravy."
• (Jack Lemmon) "They're here; the dinner guests. I'll get a saw and cut the meat."

• (Walter Matthau) "Felix, I'd like you to meet two elevator acquaintances of mine. Gwendolyn and Cecily."
• (Monica Evans) "No, Cecily and Gwendolyn."
• (Walter Matthau) "Oh, Terribly sorry, Cecily and Gwendolyn. Eh, don't tell me. Eh, Robin? No, Cardinal?"
• (Carole Shelley) "No, Wrong both times, It's Pigeon."
• (Walter Matthau) "Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon, The Pigeon sisters."
• (Carole Shelley) "Or as our friends at Chelsea use to call us, the Cuckoo Pigeon sisters."

• (Walter Matthau) "You did a great job, Felix. One little suggestion: let's come down a little bit with the lights, and up very softly with the music, huh? Hey, do you think Mozart goes good with meatloaf?"

• (Walter Matthau) "Is everybody happy?"

• (Walter Matthau) "Wait a minute, you're not going anywhere until you take it back."
• (Jack Lemmon) "Take what back?"
• (Walter Matthau) ""Let it be on your head." What the hell is that, the Curse of the Cat People?"

• (Walter Matthau) "Blanche used to say to me, "What time do you want dinner" I'd say "I dunno, I'm not hungry". Then 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd wake her up and say "now". I've been one of the highest paid sports writers in the east for the past fourteen years, we saved eight and a half dollars in pennies. I'm never home, I gamble, burn cigar holes in the furniture, drink like a fish, lie to her every chance I get. Then on our tenth wedding anniversary, I took her to the New York Rangers-Detroit Red Wings hockey game where she got hit by a puck. I still can't figure out why she left me, that's how impossible I am."

• (Walter Matthau) "Look at this. You're the only man in the world with clenched hair."

• (Walter Matthau) "I know him. He's too nervous to kill himself. Wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie."

Larry Haines as Speed

• (Larry Haines) "Excuse me, sir, but aren't you the one they call the Cincinnati Kid?"
• (Herb Edelman) "You don't like it, get a machine."
• (David Sheiner) "Geez, it stinks in here."

Carole Shelley as Gwendolyn Pigeon

• (Carole Shelley) "It's like Equatorial Africa on our side of the building."
• (Monica Evans) "Well, last night it was so bad, Gwen and I sat there in Nature's own cooling ourselves in front of the open fridge. Can you imagine such a thing?"
• (Walter Matthau) "Well, I'm working on it."
• (Carole Shelley) "Actually, it's impossible to get a night's sleep. Ces and I really don't know what to do about it."
• (Walter Matthau) "Why don't you sleep with an air conditioner?"
• (Carole Shelley) "Well, we haven't got one."
• (Walter Matthau) "I know, but we have."

Jack Lemmon as Felix Ungar

• (Jack Lemmon) "Funny, I haven't thought of women in weeks."
• (Walter Matthau) "I fail to see the humor."

• (Jack Lemmon) "I'll be in the way."
• (Carole Shelley) "How could you possibly be in anyone's way?"
• (Walter Matthau) "You want to see a typewritten list?"
• (Carole Shelley) "Oh, haven't you said enough already?"

• (Jack Lemmon) "I'd like, uh, fresh ground."
• (Butcher) "That's fresh."
• (Jack Lemmon) "That's not fresh. That's packaged. I want fresh."
• (Butcher) "How much?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "Four pounds. Exactly."

• (Jack Lemmon) "I think I'm crazy."
• (Walter Matthau) "If it makes you feel any better, I think so too."

• (Jack Lemmon) "I'm a neurotic nut, but you're crazy."

• (Jack Lemmon) "Cold glass of beer for Roy --"
• (David Sheiner) "Thank you."
• (Jack Lemmon) "Where's your coaster?"
• (David Sheiner) "My what?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "Your coaster. The little round thing that goes under the glass."
• (David Sheiner) "I think I bet it."
• (Walter Matthau) "Here, here, here. I knew I was winning too much. Here."
• (Jack Lemmon) "Always try to use your coasters, huh, fellas? A scotch and a little bit of water --"
• (Larry Haines) "Scotch and a little bit of water and I have my coaster."
• (Jack Lemmon) "I don't want to be a pest, but you know what glasses can do."
• (Walter Matthau) "They leave little rings on the table."
• (Jack Lemmon) "They leave little rings on the table."
• (Walter Matthau) "And we don't want little rings on the table."

• (Jack Lemmon) "In other words, you're throwin' me out."
• (Walter Matthau) "Not in other words. Those are the perfect ones."

• (Jack Lemmon) "A room, please."
• (Hotel clerk) "You alone?"
• (Hotel clerk) "Luggage?"
• (Hotel clerk) "How long do you want it for?"
• (Jack Lemmon) "Oh, not very long."
• (Hotel clerk) "Five dollars."
• (Hotel clerk) "Five dollars."
• (Hotel clerk) "307."
• (Jack Lemmon) "Uh, have you got anything, uh, higher?"
• (Hotel clerk) "Higher?"
• (Hotel clerk) "914?"

David Sheiner as Roy

• (David Sheiner) "What's the smell? Disinfectant?"
• (David Sheiner) "It's the cards. He washed the cards."
• (David Sheiner) "I'm getting out of here. I can't stand any more."
• (Walter Matthau) "Wait a minute, Roy. Where are you going?"
• (David Sheiner) "I've been sitting here, breathing cleaning fluid and ammonia for three hours. Nature didn't intend for poker to be played like that."

• (David Sheiner) "What if he's laying in a gutter somewhere ? Who would know who he is?"
• (Walter Matthau) "He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet. The minute something happens to him, America lights up."

Herb Edelman as Murray

• (Herb Edelman) "A whole bottle of pills. My God, get an ambulance."
• (Walter Matthau) "Wait a minute, will ya? We don't even know what kind."
• (Herb Edelman) "What difference does it make? He took a whole bottle."
• (Walter Matthau) "Well, maybe they were vitamins. He could be the healthiest one in the room."

• (Herb Edelman) "Hey, did you know Felix was once locked in a john overnight? He wrote out his entire will on half a roll of toilet paper. What a nut."

• (Herb Edelman) "A suicide telegram? Who sends a suicide telegram?"
• (Walter Matthau) "Felix, the nut, that's who. Can you imagine getting a thing like that? She even had to tip the kid a quarter."

• (Unnamed) "Hey, what are you doing, Murray?"
• (Herb Edelman) "Off-duty arrest. Caught them gambling."

• (Herb Edelman) "What happened to the apartment?"
• (Walter Matthau) "It's been given the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval."

• (Herb Edelman) "I'm telling you, I'm worried. I know Felix. He's going to try something crazy."
• (John Fiedler) "You mean you just threw him out?"
• (Walter Matthau) "That's right, I threw him out. It was my decision. All right, I admit it. Let it be on my head."
• (John Fiedler) "Let what be on your head?"
• (Walter Matthau) "How should I know? Felix put it there. Ask him."
• (Larry Haines) "He's out there somewhere."
• (Walter Matthau) "Listen, he was driving us all crazy with his napkins and his ashtrays and his bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. All of you said so."
• (David Sheiner) "We didn't say kick him out, Oscar."
• (Walter Matthau) "Well, who do you think I did it for? I did it for us."
• (David Sheiner) "Us?"
• (Walter Matthau) "Yes, that's right. Do you know what he was planning for next Friday night's poker game as a change of pace? Do you have any idea?"
• (John Fiedler) "What?"
• (Walter Matthau) "A luau. A Hawaiian luau. Roast pork, fried rice, spareribs; they don't play poker like that in Honolulu."

• (Herb Edelman) "What are you, crazy, letting him go to the john alone?"
• (David Sheiner) "Suppose he tries to kill himself."
• (Walter Matthau) "How's he gonna kill himself in the john?"
• (Herb Edelman) "Whaddaya mean, how? Razor blades, poison, anything that's in there."
• (Walter Matthau) "Nah, that's the kids' bathroom. The worst he could do in there is brush his teeth to death."
• (David Sheiner) "He could jump."
• (John Fiedler) "That's right. Isn't there a window in there?"
• (Walter Matthau) "Yeah, but it's only six inches wide."
• (Herb Edelman) "Yeah, well he could break the glass; he could cut his wrists."
• (Walter Matthau) "He could also flush himself into the East River. I'm telling you he's not going to try anything."
• (David Sheiner) "Sh. Sh. Listen, listen."
• (David Sheiner) "He's crying. You hear that, he's crying."
• (Herb Edelman) "Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes, Oscar, do something, say something."
• (Walter Matthau) "What? What do you say to a man who's crying in your bathroom?"

• (Herb Edelman) "How many cards you got, four?"
• (Larry Haines) "Yes, Murray, we all have four cards. When you give us one more, we'll all have five. If you gave us two more, we'd all have six. Do you see how that works now?"
• (Herb Edelman) "Is Oscar playing or not? Hey, Oscar."
• (Walter Matthau) "Yeah?"
• (Herb Edelman) "Hey Oscar, are you in or out?"
• (Walter Matthau) "Out p*****cat, out."

John Fiedler as Vinnie

• (John Fiedler) "I thought he looked edgy the last couple of weeks. Don't you think he looked edgy?"
• (Larry Haines) "No, as a matter of fact, I thought you looked edgy."

• (John Fiedler) "If you need me, I'll be at the Meridian Motel in Miami Beach."
• (Walter Matthau) "You'll be the first one I call, Vinnie."

Billie Bird as Chambermaid

• (Billie Bird) "Goodnight."
• (Jack Lemmon) "Goodbye."

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