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Three Men and a Baby Quotes

Three Men and a Baby is a TV show that debuted in 1970 . Three Men and a Baby completed its run in 1970.

It features Ted Field, and Robert W. Cort as producer, Marvin Hamlisch in charge of musical score, and Adam Greenberg (cinematographer) as head of cinematography.

Three Men and a Baby is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Three Men and a Baby is 104 minutes long. Three Men and a Baby is distributed by Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.

The cast includes: Ted Danson as Jack Holden, Tom Selleck as Peter Mitchell, Steve Guttenberg as Michael Kellam, Tom Selleck as Peter, Margaret Colin as Rebecca, Dave Foley as Grocer, Claire Cellucci as Angelyne, Derek de Lint as Jan, Paul Guilfoyle as Vince, Cynthia Harris as Mrs. Hathaway, and Philip Bosco as Sgt. Malkowitz.

Three Men and a Baby Quotes

Margaret Colin as Rebecca

  • (Margaret Colin) "Where is Jack?"
  • (Tom Selleck) "He's in Turkey. Exactly where I'd be if my baby was in New York."

Steve Guttenberg as Michael Kellam

  • (Steve Guttenberg) "That's a baby."
  • (Tom Selleck) "I know it's a baby. What is it doing there?"
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "It's sleeping."
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "There's been s*** all over the place."
  • (Paul Guilfoyle) "You mean the package burst?"
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "Well yes, I guess you could say that."
  • (Paul Guilfoyle) "Well did you put the s*** back?"
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "No, we had it bronzed for posterity. What do you think we did with it?"
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?"
  • (Tom Selleck) "Beats the s*** out of me."
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "Whoa, these diapers are way too big."
  • (Tom Selleck) "They're ultra absorbent. The more absorbent, the better if you ask me."
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "Hush little baby, don't you cry. When Peter gets home, I'm gonna punch him in the eye."
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "See this? This is a hairy chest. You want one of these?"
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "She did a doodle; your turn to change her."
  • (Tom Selleck) "I'll give you a thousand dollars if you'll do it."

Tom Selleck as Peter

  • (Tom Selleck) "Feel her teeth."
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "What?"
  • (Tom Selleck) "The druggist said you can tell how old she is by feeling her teeth."
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "I'm not gonna feel her teeth, YOU feel her teeth."
  • (Tom Selleck) "I can't feel anything."
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "What does that mean?"
  • (Tom Selleck) "It means she doesn't have any damn teeth."
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "Well, neither did Gabby Hayes and he was 90, so what?"
  • (Tom Selleck) "Your daddy's a dead man."
  • (Tom Selleck) "The champ caught Smith with a savage left hook --"
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "What are you reading her?"
  • (Tom Selleck) "It doesn't matter what I read, it's the tone you use. She doesn't understand the words anyway, now where were we?"
  • (Tom Selleck) "All we have to do is feed it, it'll shut up."
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "I don't know what babies eat."
  • (Tom Selleck) "Soft stuff. We were babies once, for Christ's sakes, what did we eat?"
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "I don't know, but it couldn't have been very good, I can't remember."
  • (Tom Selleck) "Hello --. Yeah, we got your message --. Uh uh. No good. We do it our way --. 'Cause we've got the stuff. And, if you don't do it our way --"
  • (Ted Danson) "Say it, say it."
  • (Tom Selleck) "We FLUSH it down the toilet. Now, listen, there's a construction site --"
  • (Tom Selleck) "Oh, this is disgusting. It's all over and it's -- It's sticky and -- We're going to need some kind of cleaning fluid to get this off."
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "How about after shave?"
  • (Tom Selleck) "Where'd you put the baby powder?"
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "Down the hall, I'll get it."
  • (Tom Selleck) "What'd you put it out there for? We're bathing her in here."
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "It's just down the hall."
  • (Tom Selleck) "Well, we're not bathing her in the hall, are we?"
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "Well, maybe we should START, goddammit."
  • (Tom Selleck) "You're going to clean that up."
  • (Tom Selleck) "Look at this."
  • (Tom Selleck) "This is your friend Paul Milner. 'Don't let this happen to you.'"
  • (Ted Danson) "'Commercial Director Hospitalized After Mugging' -- they're trying to intimidate us, I hate that."
  • (Tom Selleck) "I've had enough of this doo-doo."
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "I want to FINISH this, okay?"
  • (Tom Selleck) "The little insect was just -- Waiting for that diaper to fall off."
  • (Tom Selleck) "How old is the baby?"
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "I dunno, you want me to check her driver's license?"
  • (Tom Selleck) "I had to go to four different stores to buy four different kids of formula. Three different kids of diapers, bottles, towels, you have no idea how much crap these kids need."

Ted Danson as Jack Holden

  • (Ted Danson) "I'll bring you guys something back from Turkey. Maybe a drumstick."
  • (Ted Danson) "How do you put on these god**** things?"
  • (Tom Selleck) "Figure it out for yourself, dickhead."
  • (Ted Danson) "Oh, no. Not on the silk sheets. Not on the silk sheets."
  • (Ted Danson) "Somebody leaves a baby at the door and you automatically assume it's mine? The baby doesn't look anything like me. I'm bigger -- and I've got more hair."
  • (Tom Selleck) ""Dear Jack, here is our baby. I'm sorry I can't handle this right now -- ""
  • (Ted Danson) "S-S-Sylvia? -- Stratford. A year and a half -- a year and a half ago. I did 'Taming of the Shrew'; she was the Shrew. I did some of my best work in that one -- got great reviews."
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "Jack, you're such a jerk. You're always thinking of yourself. I wanna kill you --"
  • (Tom Selleck) "Don't worry, Michael, you won't have to. Jack, I would like to introduce you to your daughter, Mary."
  • (Ted Danson) "But -- uh -- what am I supposed to do with it?"
  • (Tom Selleck) "We've put our lives on hold, Jack, taking care of this kid. And now, it's your turn."
  • (Ted Danson) "Okay -- okay -- I'm an actor. I can do a father. Shouldn't be that hard."
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "Goodnight, Jack."
  • (Ted Danson) "Wait, what's wrong with her?"
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "Goodnight, Jack."
  • (Ted Danson) "Angelyne. Whew. Boy, you look different. What happened?"
  • (Claire Cellucci) "I'm dressed."

Dave Foley as Grocer

  • (Dave Foley) "How old is your baby?"
  • (Tom Selleck) "About this old."

Cynthia Harris as Mrs. Hathaway

  • (Cynthia Harris) "I love kids. Unfortunately, Mr. Hathaway and I aren't able to have children. He has a low sperm count."
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "Some guys have all the luck."

Derek de Lint as Jan

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Philip Bosco as Sgt. Malkowitz

  • (Philip Bosco) "Feels as though she's ready for a change."
  • (Steve Guttenberg) "I'll do it."
  • (Tom Selleck) "Babies. All they do is eat, sleep and poop."

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