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Time Bandits Quotes

Time Bandits is a TV show that debuted in 1970 . Time Bandits completed its run in 1970.

It features Terry Gilliam as producer, Mike Moran, and Songs by George Harrison in charge of musical score, and Peter Biziou as head of cinematography.

Time Bandits is recorded in English and originally aired in United Kingdom. Each episode of Time Bandits is 113 minutes long. Time Bandits is distributed by Avco Embassy Pictures.

The cast includes: David Warner as Evil, Derek Deadman as Robert, Jerold Wells as Benson, Craig Warnock as Kevin, Ralph Richardson as Supreme Being, David Rappaport as Randall, Kenny Baker as Fidgit, John Cleese as Robin Hood, Malcolm Dixon as Strutter, Ian Holm as Napoleon, Jack_Purvis_ as Wally, Derrick O'Connor as Redgrave, Neil McCarthy as Marion, Michael Palin as Vincent, Shelley Duvall as Pansy, Katherine Helmond as Mrs. Ogre, Tiny Ross as Vermin, Preston Lockwood as Neguy, Terence Bayler as Lucien, Sean Connery as King Agamemnon, Jack_Purvis_ as All, Mike Edmonds as Og, and Sean Connery as Fireman.

Time Bandits Quotes

Michael Palin as Vincent

  • (Michael Palin) "Pansy, look at me."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Yes, Vincent."
  • (Michael Palin) "Do you -- do you -- love me?"
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Of course I love you."
  • (Michael Palin) "You -- you don't mind the thing -- on my -- on my nose --"
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Oh you mean your --"
  • (Michael Palin) "Yes, my --"
  • (Shelley Duvall) "No, darling -- of course I don't mind --"
  • (Michael Palin) "You could get used to have a chap around the house with a -- with a -- with a damn thing on his nose."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Of course, my love. Everyone has something odd about them. Why I've got an enormous --"
  • (Michael Palin) "Pansy."
  • (Michael Palin) "Alone, at last."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Isn't it glorious."
  • (Michael Palin) "Yes. I love the ocean. God, how I; I love her. She's so; so damn --"
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Wet."
  • (Michael Palin) "Wet, yes. Yes. So damn, damn, wet."
  • (Michael Palin) "Oh no. The problem. The problem, Pansy. It's started again."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Oh. Oh, don't worry, darling."
  • (Michael Palin) "Ohhh -- ohhh --"
  • (Shelley Duvall) "I say."
  • (Michael Palin) "I must have fruit."

Shelley Duvall as Pansy

  • (Shelley Duvall) "Help. Robbers."
  • (Mike Edmonds) "Hey. That's us."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Oh, Vincent, someone's coming. Help. Help, I say. Oh, at last. Oh, I say."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "I say my fiancee and I would appreciate a bit of assistance."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Oh, you don't have to wear the "special"?"
  • (Michael Palin) "No, no, no, I don't have to wear the "special." Anymore."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Oh, Sir Vincent, you came for me."
  • (Michael Palin) "Oh, good Mistress Pansy, I could not have ridden faster. Four horses have I exhausted this day from Nottingham."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Oh, the way you leapt to my chamber, so full of -- of -- manliness."
  • (Michael Palin) "I could scarce restrain the rushing of my feet. These twelve long years have been like chains thet bound me."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Oh -- Oh, and the personal problem?"
  • (Michael Palin) "Oh, much; much better."

Craig Warnock as Kevin

  • (Kevin's Father) "You must wait for your food to go down."
  • (Craig Warnock) "I haven't eaten any food."
  • (Kevin's Mother) "Well you must eat your food."
  • (Kevin's Father) "And then wait for it to go down."
  • (Craig Warnock) "Is it always like this after you've done a raid?"
  • (Kenny Baker) "I don't know. We've never done one before."
  • (Craig Warnock) "But I thought you were international criminals."
  • (David Rappaport) "Going to be. Going to be."
  • (Craig Warnock) "The money wasn't important to him."
  • (David Rappaport) "He didn't have anything to spend it on, did he? Stuck out in Greece. Lowest standard of living in Europe."
  • (Craig Warnock) "I'd like to stay."
  • (John Cleese) "Jolly good. What's your name?"
  • (Craig Warnock) "Ke --"
  • (John Cleese) "Ke? What a jolly nice name. Well never mind, cheerio. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very, very, very much."
  • (John Cleese) "Awful people."
  • (Craig Warnock) "Who was that man?"
  • (Kenny Baker) "That was no man. That was the Supreme Being."
  • (Craig Warnock) "You mean God?"
  • (Kenny Baker) "Well, we don't know Him that well. We only work for Him."
  • (David Rappaport) "Shut up."
  • (Announcer) "Yes, folks -- Moderna Designs present the latest in kitchen luxury. The Moderna Wonder Major All Automatic Convenience Center-ette gives you all the time in the world to do the things you really want to do -- An infrared freezer-oven complex that can make you a meal from packet to plate in 15 1/2 seconds."
  • (Kevin's Mother) "Morrisons have got one that can do that in eight seconds."
  • (Kevin's Father) "Oh?"
  • (Kevin's Mother) "Block of ice to Beef Bourguignon in eight seconds. Lucky things."
  • (Craig Warnock) "Dad, did you know that the ancient Greek warriors had to learn 44 different ways of unarmed combat?"
  • (Kevin's Father) "Well, at least we've got a two speed hedge cutter."
  • (Craig Warnock) "Do you know where we are?"
  • (David Rappaport) "Of course I do. 1796, Battle of Castiglione. See?"
  • (Malcolm Dixon) "Are you sure we're not in somebody's bedroom?"
  • (Craig Warnock) "It's some kind of invisible barrier."
  • (Kenny Baker) "Oh, so that's what an invisible barrier looks like."
  • (Kevin's Father) "What the hell is going on up here? I told you to put that light out and get to bed."
  • (Craig Warnock) "But --"
  • (Kevin's Father) "And no more NOISE."
  • (Craig Warnock) "Mom. Dad. It's evil. Don't touch it."
  • (Craig Warnock) "Mom? Dad?"

Katherine Helmond as Mrs. Ogre

  • (Winston the Ogre) "I grew too fast when I was young, that was the problem."
  • (Katherine Helmond) "You've been overdoing it a bit dear, that's all."
  • (Winston the Ogre) "You try being beastly and terrifying -- you can only get one hour sleep a night because your back hurts, and you daren't cough unless you want to pull a muscle."
  • (Katherine Helmond) "But you ARE horrible, dear."
  • (Winston the Ogre) "You're just saying that."
  • (Katherine Helmond) "Aren't they lovely? We can have them for breakfast."
  • (Winston the Ogre) "You mean eat their boots?"
  • (Katherine Helmond) "No dear, I mean eat all of them. Every little bit."
  • (Winston the Ogre) "What shall I do, dear?"
  • (Katherine Helmond) "Terrify them."
  • (Winston the Ogre) "What about me back?"
  • (Katherine Helmond) "Well, you don't have to jump around. Just shout horribly and to leer at them. You know, the way you used to."

David Warner as Evil

  • (David Warner) "Now Benson, I shall have to turn you into a dog for a while."
  • (Cartwright) "But why, if that's the case, are you unable to escape from this fortress?"
  • (David Warner) "That's a good question. Why have I let the Supreme Being keep me here in the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?"
  • (Derek Deadman) "Because you --"
  • (David Warner) "Shut up, I'm speaking rhetorically."
  • (David Warner) "If I were creating the world I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, eight o'clock, Day One."
  • (David Warner) "Sorry."
  • (David Warner) "I have the map. I have the map. And the day after tomorrow -- The world."
  • (David Warner) "Suddenly, I feel very, very good."
  • (Derek Deadman) "Oh, I'm sorry, Master."
  • (David Warner) "No, it'll pass, it'll pass."
  • (David Warner) "If you're wrong, Benson, my revenge will be slow and unpleasant. I will turn you inside out over a very long period of time."
  • (Jerold Wells) "Oh, thank you, master, thank you."
  • (David Warner) "God isn't interested in technology. He cares nothing for the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how he spends his time, forty-three species of parrots. Nipples for men."
  • (Derek Deadman) "Slugs."
  • (David Warner) "Slugs. HE created slugs. They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?"
  • (David Warner) "Stand by for Mind Control."
  • (David Warner) "When I have the map, I will be free, and the world will be different, because I have understanding."
  • (Derek Deadman) "Uh, understanding of what, Master?"
  • (David Warner) "Digital watches. And soon I shall have understanding of video cassette recorders and car telephones. And when I have understanding of them, I shall have understanding of computers. And when I have understanding of computers, I shall be the Supreme Being."
  • (David Warner) "Oh, Benson -- Dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence."
  • (Jerold Wells) "Oh, you say such nice things, Master."
  • (David Warner) "Yes I know, I'm sorry."
  • (David Warner) "You are a very troublesome little fellow. I think I should teach you one of my special lessons? What do you think, Robert? Benson? What would look nice? Half-warthog? Half-donkey? Half-oyster? Half-carrot?"
  • (David Warner) "What sort of Supreme Being created such riffraff? Is this not the workings of a complete incompetent?"
  • (Baxi Brazilia III) "But He created you, Evil One."
  • (David Warner) "What did you say?"
  • (Baxi Brazilia III) "Well He created you, so He can't be entirely --"
  • (David Warner) "Never talk to me like that again. No one created me. I am Evil. Evil existed long before good. I made myself. I cannot be unmade. I am all powerful."

John Cleese as Robin Hood

  • (John Cleese) "You enjoy robbing then?"
  • (Jack_Purvis_) "Well it helps pay the rent, Sir."
  • (John Cleese) "Ha ha ha ha. Jolly good. Ha ha ha."
  • (John Cleese) "Here we are, madam. Congratulations. Well done. Congratulations."
  • (John Cleese) "Is that absolutely necessary?"
  • (John Cleese) "What did he say?"
  • (Neil McCarthy) "He said yes, he's afraid it is."
  • (John Cleese) "Ah, fine."
  • (John Cleese) "Oh yes and believe you me, the poor are going to be, well not just absolutely thrilled, but also considerably less poor, aren't they Redgrave?"
  • (John Cleese) "You see- what did he say?"
  • (Neil McCarthy) "He says yeah, what with Christmas coming up and all."
  • (John Cleese) "Crikey. I've been in robbing for years but I've never seen anything like this. Well, what can I say? Thank you. Thank you all very much indeed."
  • (David Rappaport) "Oh don't men; What?"
  • (John Cleese) "Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very very very VERY much."
  • (John Cleese) "What awful people."
  • (John Cleese) "Hello, I'm Hood."
  • (Unnamed) "Say good morning, you scum."
  • (Unnamed) "Good morning, Scum."
  • (John Cleese) "And you're a robber too. How long have you been a robber?"
  • (Malcolm Dixon) "Four foot one."
  • (John Cleese) "Good lord. Jolly good. Four foot one? Well that-that-that is-is- a long time, isn't it?"
  • (John Cleese) "The poor are going to be absolutely thrilled. Have you met them at all?"
  • (David Rappaport) "Who?"
  • (John Cleese) "The poor."
  • (David Rappaport) "The poor?"
  • (John Cleese) "Oh you must meet them. I'm sure you'll like them. Of course they haven't got two pennies to rub together but that's because they're poor."

David Rappaport as Randall

  • (David Rappaport) "Waiter, more champagne."
  • (Unnamed) "Yes, sir."
  • (David Rappaport) "And plenty of ice."
  • (David Rappaport) "Just leave it to me, Wally. You've just gotta treat them right, that's all. Waddaya want, you tatty-faced old scumbag?"
  • (Neil McCarthy) "What's your business, codfish?"
  • (David Rappaport) "Robbers."
  • (Neil McCarthy) "Villainous robbers?"
  • (David Rappaport) "The worst."
  • (Neil McCarthy) "Stop at nothing?"
  • (David Rappaport) "Nothing at all."
  • (Neil McCarthy) "Steal the cup out' a beggar's hands?"
  • (David Rappaport) "Rather."
  • (Neil McCarthy) "Teeth from blind old ladies?"
  • (David Rappaport) "Of course."
  • (Neil McCarthy) "Toys from children?"
  • (David Rappaport) "Whenever we can."
  • (Neil McCarthy) "Grrrrrrrr."
  • (David Rappaport) "Arrrrrrrrrr."
  • (Neil McCarthy) "Right. Cut them down."
  • (David Rappaport) "They always crack in the end."
  • (David Rappaport) "Look, you and me, we've got a lot in common. Not like that lot. We like a risk. We like adventure. Well, this is it. This is the big one. No namby-pamby time holes here. We risk all. We win everything."
  • (David Rappaport) "I told you, stick with me and you won't go far wrong."
  • (David Rappaport) "People who are always right make me sick."
  • (Kenny Baker) "That's why you get along with yourself so well."
  • (David Rappaport) "We made trees and shrubs. We helped make all this."
  • (Craig Warnock) "Whew. That's not bad."
  • (David Rappaport) "Yeah. But did we get a thimble full of credit for it? No. All we got was the sack. Just for creating the Pink Bunkadoo."
  • (Craig Warnock) "Pink Bunkadoo?"
  • (David Rappaport) "Yeah. Beautiful trees that was. Og designed it. 600 feet high, bright red, and smelled terrible."
  • (David Rappaport) "You see, to be quite frank, Kevin, the fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of botched job, you see. We only had seven days to make it. And that's where this comes in. This is the only map of all the holes. Well, why repair them? Why not use them to get stinking rich?"
  • (David Rappaport) "I've got something to say to you, Kevin."
  • (Craig Warnock) "Go away."
  • (David Rappaport) "It's about the map."
  • (Craig Warnock) "The map? I don't understand you, Randall, you've got something really brilliant like that and you're just wasting it."
  • (David Rappaport) "I wouldn't call this exactly "wasting it"."

Jack_Purvis_ as All

  • (Jack_Purvis_) "Vermin, that is not meant to be eaten."
  • (Tiny Ross) "You never know until you've eaten it."
  • (Jack_Purvis_) "Lads. Here's to stinking rich."
  • (Jack_Purvis_) "Yeah."
  • (Kenny Baker) "And to Kevin."
  • (Jack_Purvis_) "Yeah, Kevin."
  • (Mike Edmonds) "Stinking Kevin."
  • (Jack_Purvis_) "I'm sorry I killed you, Fidgit."
  • (Jack_Purvis_) "Do you mean you knew what was happening to us all the time?"
  • (Ralph Richardson) "Well, of course. I am the Supreme Being, I'm not entirely dim --"

Ian Holm as Napoleon

  • (Ian Holm) "Alexander the Great, five feet eight exactly. Isn't that incredible. I mean, Alexander the Great, who's empire stretched from India to Hungary, one inch shorter than me. Oliver Cromwell, the only man with any guts in British history, wasn't a big man at all. Louis XIV, five foot two and a half. Charlamagne, dopey little five footer. He's a good little chum. Attila the Hun, five foot one half. Cyrano de Bergerac, five foot three half. Tamburlaine the Great, four foot nine; and three-quarters."
  • (Ian Holm) "Don't stand so close to me, Neguy. I've told you about that before. You on one side and him on the other; it's like being on the bottom of a bloody well."
  • (Ian Holm) "Encore. Encore."
  • (Theatre Manager) "Thank you. Thank you very much. Uh, I wonder if you would like to see some of our -- Other items. We have Zuzu and Benny."
  • (Theatre Manager) "Fun on a unicycle."
  • (Theatre Manager) "No? Uh, how about, uh, The Great Rambozo. He sing and lift heavy things."
  • (Theatre Manager) "No? Uh, how about, uh -- Ah, this I think you'll like. Very funny. The Three Idiots. From Latvia. Very funny act. They swallow brushes."
  • (Ian Holm) "Little things hitting each other. THAT'S WHAT I LIKE."
  • (Ian Holm) "You are the best thing to happen to me since this whole campaign. You know I come here to conquor Italy, because I thought they were all small. You know, I hear they was really tiny guys --"
  • (Preston Lockwood) "Sir, I really think there are more important thing --"
  • (Ian Holm) "SHUT UP. Don't you dare to tell me my business. You are dismissed, you hear? You, Lucien, the rest of you. Great streaks of misery."
  • (Terence Bayler) "But, Sir --"
  • (Ian Holm) "NO. I'm going to have some new generals for a bit."

Ralph Richardson as Supreme Being

  • (Ralph Richardson) "Return what you have stolen from me. Return, return the map. It will bring you great danger. Stop -- Now."
  • (Ralph Richardson) "Oh, I do hate appearing that way, it's an entirely noisy manifestation. Still, rather expected of one, I suppose."
  • (Ralph Richardson) "Dead? No excuse for laying off work."
  • (Ralph Richardson) "I should do something very extroverted and vengeful to you. Honestly, I'm too tired. So, I think I'll transfer you to the undergrowth department, brackens, more shrubs, that sort of thing -- with a 19% cut in salary, backdated to the beginning of time."
  • (David Rappaport) "Oh, thank you, sir."
  • (Ralph Richardson) "Yes, well, I am the nice one."
  • (Ralph Richardson) "Is it all ready? Right. Come on then. Back to creation. We mustn't waste any more time. They'll think I've lost control again and put it all down to evolution."

Kenny Baker as Fidgit

  • (Kenny Baker) "Sir? What about my friend, Sir? Can he come with us?"
  • (Ralph Richardson) "Absolutely not. This isn't a school outing"
  • (Kenny Baker) "You're gonna get us all killed, Randall."
  • (David Rappaport) "Stop whimpering. How was I to know we were gonna run right into an iceberg? It didn't say 'Get off before the iceberg' on the ticket."
  • (Kenny Baker) "We should've stayed home making trees."
  • (David Rappaport) "Oh shut up."
  • (Kenny Baker) "How could we have been so stupid?"
  • (Mike Edmonds) "I don't know."

Tiny Ross as Vermin

  • (Tiny Ross) "Six more plates of caviar, please. Does anybody else want any?"
  • (Jack_Purvis_) "Oh not for me, thank you. I'll stick with the quail's eyeballs. Caviar makes me throw up, you know."
  • (Jack_Purvis_) "Sorry, Randall. Sorry."

Sean Connery as Fireman

  • (Sean Connery) "This is what started it. Left the Sunday joint cooking all night, didn't we?"
  • (Kevin's Mother) "Sunday joint? It's Thursday."

Jerold Wells as Benson

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Preston Lockwood as Neguy

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Malcolm Dixon as Strutter

  • (Malcolm Dixon) "Get down, you nearly got us caught."
  • (David Rappaport) "You silly fool, you could've ruined everything."
  • (Craig Warnock) "Do you know where we are?"
  • (David Rappaport) "Shut up. Of course I do. 1796, Battle of Castiglione, see?"
  • (Malcolm Dixon) "You sure we're not in somebody's bedroom?"
  • (David Rappaport) "Look,"
  • (David Rappaport) "do you want to be leader of this gang?"
  • (Malcolm Dixon) "No, we agreed: No leader."
  • (David Rappaport) "Right. So shut up and do as I say."

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