Tommy Boy Quotes

Tommy Boy is a TV program that first aired in 1970 . Tommy Boy stopped airing in 1970.

It features Lorne Michaels as producer, David Newman (composer) in charge of musical score, and Victor J. Kemper as head of cinematography.

Tommy Boy is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Tommy Boy is 97 minutes long. Tommy Boy is distributed by Paramount Pictures.

The cast includes: Chris Farley as Tommy, David Spade as Richard Hayden, Julie Warner as Michelle, David Spade as Richard, Dan Aykroyd as Ray Zalinsky, Maria Vacratsis as Helen, Rob Lowe as Paul, Chris Farley as Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III, Sean McCann as Frank Rittenhauer, and Zach Grenier as Ted Reilly.

Tommy Boy Quotes

Chris Farley as Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III

• (Chris Farley) "She's a quart low."
• (David Spade) "Oh, yeah? Then guess what? Open it back up and put it in. That's your penance for the puppet show back there. And while you're at it, fill it up with gas, okay? I'm gonna go ask directions to our next huge embarrassing failure."
• (Chris Farley) "You're a huge embarrassing failure."
• (David Spade) "What?"
• (Chris Farley) "Nothing."

• (Chris Farley) "I thought they were on my side."
• (David Spade) "They figured they had something to gain if the factory was being closed."
• (Chris Farley) "Boy this is the worst. My so called family deserts me. Michelle's mad at me. I've lost the factory, the town's going under and I'm out of a job."
• (Chris Farley) "Could've done without that."

• (Chris Farley) "Where are we gonna take the deer?"
• (David Spade) "I dunno, the vet?"
• (Chris Farley) "You take dead animals to the vet?"
• (David Spade) "Why not? I'd take you to the vet."
• (Chris Farley) "Yeah I'll take you to the -- Um --"
• (David Spade) "Got that?"
• (Chris Farley) "Shut up."

• (Chris Farley) "Hmmm. He seems like a nice guy."
• (David Spade) "This is the guy trying to buy the company, not to mention put you out on the street, and all you can say is,"
• (David Spade) ""Hmmm, he seems like a nice guy.""

• (Chris Farley) "No offense, but if I showed a picture of your mom to some of my buddies at school, she'd definitely be "Boner of the Month"."
• (Rob Lowe) "I'm honored. Is there anything to do in this town besides eat?"

• (Chris Farley) "Richard, what were you doing?"
• (David Spade) "Um, going over some documents."
• (Chris Farley) "Well, where are they? Geez, I don't see them."
• (David Spade) "They're -- in my briefcase."
• (Chris Farley) "How can you be reading documents, when they're in your briefcase? Hmm -- that's a mystery."
• (David Spade) "Ok then, let's hit it."
• (Chris Farley) "Richard. Were you watching, "Spank-tra-vision?" Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian. Oh, whats his name? Buddy -- Whackett?"
• (David Spade) "Ok, let's get some shut-eye."
• (Chris Farley) "Say. That's a pretty girl down there."
• (David Spade) "Good for her."
• (Chris Farley) "Gee, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees."
• (David Spade) "Couldn't tell ya."
• (Chris Farley) "Big day tomorrow. Hope we can keep this momentum goin'."
• (David Spade) "Yup. That'd be good."
• (Chris Farley) "Richard -- Who's you're favorite little rascal? Alfalfa? Or is it Spanky?"
• (Chris Farley) "Sinner."

• (Chris Farley) "I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take a butcher's word for it."

• (Chris Farley) "Richard, I'm gonna need your watch. I've got -- a -- plan."
• (David Spade) "Yikes."

• (Chris Farley) "Richard, were you watching Spank-travision?"
• (David Spade) "Okay let's get some shut eye."
• (Chris Farley) "Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what's his name? Buddy Whackett?"

• (Chris Farley) "La-la-la-loo-loo -- Luuuke -- Luuuke. I am your fah-ther. La-la-lay-lu --"
• (David Spade) "Oh, I've interrupted happy time. Now I know you want to sit there and keep being not slim, but we gotta work a little today."
• (Chris Farley) "That was from Star Wars."
• (David Spade) "I know."

• (Chris Farley) "Hey, there's even a fridge. You could put six packs of be --"
• (Chris Farley) "-- soda in here --"

• (Chris Farley) "Richard? Is this your coat?"
• (David Spade) "Don't do it."
• (Chris Farley) "Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat."
• (David Spade) "Don't"
• (Chris Farley) "Fat guy in a little coat. / Fat guy in a little coat."
• (David Spade) "Take it off, Dickhead, I'm serious."
• (Chris Farley) "Richard. What's happening?"
• (Chris Farley) "Uh oh."

• (Chris Farley) "Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn't the end. No way. We're gonna show this world a thing or two. We're going to show --"

• (Chris Farley) "Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh? -- Alright."
• (Rob Lowe) "Does it make a difference?"
• (Chris Farley) "Oh yeah. Wait a second. Is this your first time?"
• (Rob Lowe) "Yeah Tommy, it is."
• (Chris Farley) "God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before. Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push."
• (Rob Lowe) "And?"
• (Chris Farley) "They fall over, hee, hee, hee."
• (Rob Lowe) "And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?"
• (Chris Farley) "We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas."

• (Chris Farley) "Tommy Likey. Tommy want wing-ey."

• (Chris Farley) "Did you hear I finally graduated?"
• (David Spade) "Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right."
• (Chris Farley) "You know a lot of people go to college for seven years."
• (David Spade) "I know, they're called doctors."

• (Chris Farley) "Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa? -- Or is it SPANKY?"
• (Chris Farley) "Sinner."

• (Chris Farley) "Shut Up Richard."

• (Chris Farley) "Uh, what my associate is trying say is -- Our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even gonna believe it. Like, let's say you're driving along the road with your family."
• (Chris Farley) "You're drivin' along, la-de-da, woo. All of a sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. EEEEEEEEE. Whoa, that was close. Ha-ha. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the "other guy's" brake pads. You're drivin' along, you're drivin' along, the kids start shouting from the back seat, "I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy." "Not now, damn it." Truck tire. EEEEEEEE. I CAN'T STOP."
• (Chris Farley) "There's a cliff. AAAAAHH. And your family's screaming,"
• (Chris Farley) ""Oh my God, we're burning alive." "No. I can't feel my legs." Here comes the meat wagon."
• (Chris Farley) "And the medic gets out and says, "Oh my God". New guy's around the corner puking his guts out."
• (Chris Farley) "All because you want to save a couple extra pennies. And to me, it doesn't --"
• (Executive with Toy Cars) "Get out. Now."
• (Chris Farley) "Do you validate?"
• (Executive with Toy Cars) "No."

• (Chris Farley) "Let's think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting."
• (Ted Nelson, Customer) "Go on, I'm listening."
• (Chris Farley) "Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside."
• (Ted Nelson, Customer) "Yeah, makes a man feel good."
• (Chris Farley) "'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?"
• (Ted Nelson, Customer) "What's your point?"
• (Chris Farley) "The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times."
• (Ted Nelson, Customer) "But why do they put a guarantee on the box?"
• (Chris Farley) "Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of s***. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me."
• (Ted Nelson, Customer) "Okay, I'll buy from you."
• (Chris Farley) "Well, that's --"
• (David Spade) "-- What?"

• (Chris Farley) "Hey, remember your brother Duane? Whatever happened to him? We used to go to Safeway all the time and get caught trying to steal doughnuts."
• (Julie Warner) "He's a cop. He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls."
• (Chris Farley) "Wow."
• (Julie Warner) "Want one?"
• (Chris Farley) "I'd better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get them lodged right in this region here."

• (Chris Farley) "I l-left a message."
• (David Spade) "A message? What number did you call?"
• (Chris Farley) "Two, four, niner, five, six, seven --"
• (David Spade) "I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?"
• (Chris Farley) "No, it was cordless."
• (David Spade) "You know what? Don't. Not here, not now."

• (Chris Farley) "Holy Schnike."

• (Chris Farley) "Does this suit make me look fat?"
• (David Spade) "No, your face does."

• (Chris Farley) "Hey, what is this thing?"
• (Louis, Factory Worker) "It's a buffer. I take all the small pieces that need smoothing and give'em a zap."
• (Chris Farley) "Cool, can I try?"
• (Louis, Factory Worker) "Sure, give'er."
• (Louis, Factory Worker) "Nice distance."

• (Chris Farley) "D+? -- Oh, my God -- I passed. I passed. Oh, man."
• (Chris Farley) "I got a D+. I'm gonna graduate."
• (Chris Farley) "I wish we'd known each other -- this is a little awkward."
• (Chris Farley) "I got a D+. I'm gonna graduate. Give me five."

• (Chris Farley) "Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a god**** bridge abutment."

• (Chris Farley) "Hey, what's your name?"
• (Maria Vacratsis) "Helen."
• (Chris Farley) "That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet."
• (Chris Farley) "Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet."
• (Chris Farley) "You're naughty. And then I take my naughty pet and I go --"
• (Chris Farley) "Uuuuuuh. I killed it. I killed my sale. And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?"
• (Maria Vacratsis) "God, you're sick."

• (Chris Farley) "Lord I never had to tinkle so bad in all my life."
• (Chris Farley) "What the? Oh Richard you're a riot. Stop the car. Son of a. What the hell's gotten into you? My thing got stuck in my zipper and I got piss all over my pants."

• (Chris Farley) "Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug."

• (Chris Farley) "R.T., I think I figured out the problem. This order is going to Columbus. That's a one-day delivery, but you've got it marked down for two."
• (R.T., Shipping Foreman) "That's because it's going to Columbus, Georgia. Not Columbus, Ohio."
• (R.T., Shipping Foreman) "You see these letters by the city? That's called a state. What else you got, Wonder Boy?"
• (Chris Farley) "Uh -- that's pretty much it for now."
• (R.T., Shipping Foreman) "Hey, Tommy, maybe you should go back to college for another seven years and study a globe."

• (Chris Farley) "Heh, heh, heh, it's a clip-on."
• (David Spade) "Heh, heh, heh, are you sure?"

• (Chris Farley) "But the Callahan factory has been in my family for seventy years. You can't just shut it down."
• (Dan Aykroyd) "Son, you got to look at it from my point of view. Callahan's a premium name. That's what I'm buying. I can make the parts in one of my factories, put them in a Callahan box, and sell them in my stores at a premium price. Why keep your factory going when all I want's the god damn box?"

Dan Aykroyd as Ray Zalinsky

• (Dan Aykroyd) "Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, "Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z.""

• (Dan Aykroyd) "What the American public doesn't know is what makes them the American public."

• (Dan Aykroyd) "God, I love that."

David Spade as Richard Hayden

• (David Spade) "Ok, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy, he's gonna be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking and he's never been laid."

• (David Spade) "My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators."

• (David Spade) "No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed."
• (Chris Farley) "I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that -- was -- awesome."
• (Chris Farley) "-- but, sorry about your car, man. That -- That sucks."

• (David Spade) "Okay, and life preservers, these -- we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain."

• (David Spade) "You have de-railed --"
• (Chris Farley) "Shut up Richard."

• (David Spade) "I need your John Hancock."
• (Chris Farley) "It's HERBIE Hancock."

• (David Spade) "Look Mommy, the Rhino's getting too close to the car."
• (Chris Farley) "Him too afraid to get out, him just a little guy."
• (David Spade) "All right, that's it, fat boy, I'm gonna wail on you."
• (Chris Farley) "Hey, boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf."
• (David Spade) "You don't want none of me; think it through."
• (Chris Farley) "Just gimme your best shot."
• (Chris Farley) "That was it? Come on you can do better than that, can't you Captain Limp Wrist? Try again."
• (Chris Farley) "Hey everybody, is there a window open; I feel a draft."
• (Chris Farley) "If I wanted a kiss, I'd call your mother."
• (Chris Farley) "That was a good one."
• (David Spade) "Hey, Prehistoric Forest."

• (Boardroom Woman) "Whores running around, doing their little behind-shake for the men folk --"
• (David Spade) "I kinda like her idea."
• (Boardroom Man) "For Christ's sake. Once during the war I visited a prostitute, and my life has been a living hell ever since."

• (David Spade) "You're right. You're not your dad. He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves."
• (Chris Farley) "Ketchup Popsicle?"
• (David Spade) "Yeah. I learned everything I know from him. I didn't have a real father, but you, he was your real dad and yo just took him for granted."
• (David Spade) ""Hey I'm big Toms' son, I screw things up, but it's ok my dad will fix everything, so I'm allowed to be a MORON.""

• (David Spade) "You have a window. And why shouldn't you? You've been here ten minutes."

• (David Spade) "What is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?"
• (Chris Farley) "Ohhhh, man --"
• (David Spade) "One and a --"
• (Chris Farley) "-- half percent. I knew that. Why can't I remember it?"
• (David Spade) "Try an association like, uhhh -- Let's say the average person uses ten percent of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin."

• (Gas Station Employee) "I'm starting to picking up your sarcasm."
• (David Spade) "Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick."

• (David Spade) "All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no?"
• (Chris Farley) "No s*** from anyone."
• (David Spade) "No."
• (Chris Farley) "Um, we don't take no prisoners."
• (David Spade) "We don't take no for answer."
• (Chris Farley) "Oh yeah -- We don't take no for an answer. We don't take no for an answer --"
• ('No' Manager) "No."
• (Chris Farley) "Okey-dokey."
• ('No' Manager) "No."
• (Chris Farley) "Gotcha. Thanks."
• ('No' Manager) "Mmmm-mmmm."
• (Chris Farley) "Terrific. Thanks for your time."

• (David Spade) "Hey -- I was just thinking -- when we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in."
• (Chris Farley) "Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident."
• (David Spade) "True. But you can't latch the hood too well, IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE CAN OUT, YOU NO-SELLING WASTE OF SPACE."
• (David Spade) "I swear to God, you're worthless."

• (David Spade) "It's called reading. Top to bottom, left to right -- a group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches -- Midol for any cramps."

• (David Spade) "Scram Tommy. Don't give her the weight room thing."
• (Chris Farley) "Do you know where the weight room is? I'll check it out."

• (Reservationist) "Oh, I can reserve you a flight coming back from Chicago at 5:55. Does that help?"
• (David Spade) "Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met?"
• (Reservationist) "I don't think so."

• (David Spade) "Housekeeping. You want mint for pillow?"
• (Chris Farley) "Please go away let me sleep, for the love of God."
• (David Spade) "Housekeeping. You want me to jerk you off?"
• (Chris Farley) "What kind of hotel is this?"
• (Chris Farley) "Who the hell are -- Oh, it's you."
• (David Spade) "Good morning, sunshine."

• (David Spade) "Ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter."

• (David Spade) "That guy may not call us."
• (Chris Farley) "I can't believe he called me a psycho."
• (David Spade) "Hey, were you in there just now? You are a psycho -- Good God. And comb your hair."

• (David Spade) "What did I say about eating in the car anyways?"
• (Chris Farley) "It's not good cause it spoils your dinner?"

• (David Spade) "Oh, that has to be you. Spray that thing for bugs?"

Rob Lowe as Paul

• (Rob Lowe) "These shoes are Italian. They're worth more than your life."

• (Rob Lowe) "Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?"
• (Chris Farley) "Why?"

• (Rob Lowe) "Ohh -- Bad mommy."
• (Beverly Barish, aka Beverly Burns) "Don't call me that. It's creepy."

• (Rob Lowe) "That's it. I'm not gonna take this."
• (David Spade) "Uh, uh. It's not over yet, Lee Harvey."
• (Julie Warner) "Let's see -- warrants outstanding: New Mexico-Mail Fraud. Colorado-Wire Fraud. And coming soon to Ohio, Computer Fraud."
• (Chris Farley) "Get him."
• (Dan Aykroyd) "Don't let him leave the complex, Marty."
• (Chris Farley) "Hey, you forgot your wife."
• (Rob Lowe) "Screw you. Screw all of you."
• (Rob Lowe) "Not good."
• (Dan Aykroyd) "Hit the brakes."
• (Rob Lowe) "Aaahh. Ohhh."
• (David Spade) "Ooh. That will ruin his weekend."

Sean McCann as Frank Rittenhauer

• (Sean McCann) "I just wanna tell you, you really look dynamite today, Beverly."
• (Zach Grenier) "Yeah, Tom, you are a lucky man. Boy, would I like to get some of that."
• (David Spade) "Good lord."
• (Zach Grenier) "Oh, God. No. Richard, you got an edit button on that thing?"
• (David Spade) "It'll cost you."
• (Zach Grenier) "Come here. Come here, you little prick."

Julie Warner as Michelle

• (Julie Warner) "Listen up, you little spazoids. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you."

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