Waiting for Guffman Quotes

Waiting for Guffman is a television program that debuted in 1970 . Waiting for Guffman ended its run in 1970.

It features Karen Murphy (producer) as producer, Christopher Guest in charge of musical score, and Roberto Schaefer as head of cinematography.

Waiting for Guffman is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Waiting for Guffman is 84 minutes long. Waiting for Guffman is distributed by Sony Pictures Classics.

The cast includes: Christopher Guest as Corky St. Clair, David Cross as UFO Expert, Fred Willard as Ron Albertson, Eugene Levy as Dr. Allan Pearl, Linda Kash as Dr. Pearl, Bob Balaban as Lloyd Miller, Catherine O'Hara as Sheila, Paul Dooley as UFO Abductee, Parker Posey as Libby Mae Brown, Linda Kash as Mrs. Pearl, Matt Keeslar as Johnny, and Lewis Arquette as Clifford Wooley.

Waiting for Guffman Quotes

Parker Posey as Libby Mae Brown

• (Parker Posey) "I been workin' here at the D.Q. for about, um -- eight months? Seven? I don't know, somethin' like that, it's fun. Just do the cones -- make sundaes, make Blizzards, 'n -- put stuff on 'em, 'n -- see a lot of people come in, a lot of people come to the D.Q -- burgers -- ice cream -- anything, you know? Cokes -- just drive in and get a Coke, if you're thirsty."

• (Parker Posey) "I hear that French girls -- are very pretty -- that they wear the finest of clothes. I also hear that they are experts -- in the ways of love."
• (Christopher Guest) "Ima -- I'm going to fight for my country. To fight -- and yes, perhaps die -- so that young men from here to Timbuktu can feel the wind of freedom blowin' through their hairrrrr."

• (Parker Posey) "My aunt brought out her atlas that I look at a lot. This big blue book and opened up to New York and it's an island, is really what it is. It's this island full of people of different colors and different ideas and I can't- It sounds like a lot of fun to me. You know, we don't see much of that in Blaine. I'd like to maybe meet some guys, some Italian guys, you know -- watch TV and stuff."

• (Parker Posey) "What New York really is, is it's an island, with lots of people, lots of different people -- I hope to maybe meet some guys, some Italian guys, and maybe watch some TV."

• (Parker Posey) "I'll always have a place at the Dairy Queen."

Christopher Guest as Corky St. Clair

• (Christopher Guest) "-- 'cause you people are BASTARD PEOPLE."

• (Christopher Guest) "So what I'm understanding here; correct me, if I'm wrong; is that you're not givin' me -- any money -- so now I'm left basically with nothin', I'm -- left with ZERO, in which, in which, what can I do with zero, you know? What can I -- I can't do ANYTHIN' with it. I need to, this is my LIFE here we're talking about. We're not just talkin' about, you know, somethin' else, were talking about MY life, you know? And it's forcing me to do somethin' I don't wanna do. To leave. To, to go out and just leave and go home and say, make a clean cut here and say "no way, Corky, you're not puttin' up with these people." And I'll tell you why I can't put up with you people: because you're BASTARD people. That's what you are. You're just bastard people. And I'm goin' home and I'm gonna -- I'm gonna BITE MY PILLOW, is what I'm gonna do."

• (Christopher Guest) "You're squeezing your boobies out."

• (Christopher Guest) "I got off that boat with nothing but my dancers belt and a tube of CHAPSTICK."

• (Christopher Guest) "I'd like you to close your eyes now, and I'd like you to try something, all right? Now what are you thinkin', what are you feeling right now, with your eyes closed?"
• (Eugene Levy) "I feel a bree -- a -- you're blowing in my ear."
• (Christopher Guest) "Okay, all right, but you see you jumped -- to a conclusion."
• (Linda Kash) "Oh."
• (Christopher Guest) "See, what I'm asking for is -- your first feeling -- was not that I was blowing on you. It was more like -- Virgin Isles, or -- Bahamanian --"
• (Linda Kash) "Oh --"
• (Christopher Guest) "Or -- Arubian --"

• (Christopher Guest) "Boy, I didn't know deers could -- could do that, you know?"

• (Christopher Guest) "Here's the Remains of the Day lunchbox. Kids don't like eating at school, but if they have a Remains of the Day lunchbox they're a lot happier."

• (Christopher Guest) "My first show was Barefoot in the Park, which was an absolute smash, but my production on the stage of Backdraft was what really got them excited. This whole idea of 'In Your Face' theatre really affected them. The conceptualization, the whole abstraction, the obtuseness of this production to me was what was interesting. I wanted the audience to feel the heat from the fire, the fear, because people don't like fire, poked, poked in their noses, you know when you get a cinder from a barbeque right on the end of your nose and you kind of make that face, you know, that's not a good thing, and I wanted them to have the sense memory of that. So during the show I had someone burn newspapers and send it through the vents in the theatre. And well, they freaked out, and 'course the fire Marshall came over and they shut us down for a couple of days."

• (Christopher Guest) "Well, then, I just HATE you -- and I hate your -- ass -- FACE."

• (Christopher Guest) "I love you too pa. You taught me how to be a man. How to wrastle a steer to the ground and apply a fiery brand to his hind-quarters. And yes, how to love a woman. How the smell of her hair can drive a man wild."

• (Christopher Guest) "It's like in a Hitchcock movie, you know, where they tie you up in a rubber bag and throw you in the trunk of a car. You find people."

• (Christopher Guest) "I was shopping for my wife Bonnie. I buy most of her clothes and Mrs Pearl was in the same shop. And it just was an accident you know, we started talking -- about panty hose, she was saying -- whatever that's not the point of the story but what the point is is that through this accidental meeting -- it's like a Hitchcock movie you know where you're thrown into a rubber bag and put in the trunk of a car, you find people. You find them. Something, is is it karma? Maybe. But we found him, that's the important thing. And I got Bonnie a wonderful pantsuit."

• (Christopher Guest) "It's a Zen thing, like how many babies fit in a tire."

• (Christopher Guest) "Everybody dance."

• (Christopher Guest) "Well, it's like, how many babies fit the tire? You know, that old joke."

• (Christopher Guest) "Ello, ow are ooo?"

Linda Kash as Dr. Pearl

• (Linda Kash) "My Bubbe made a kishke, she made it big and fat, My Zaydeh took one look at it and said "I can't eat that.', Oh Mama, Mama, mia, oh Mama me oh myyyyyyyy --"

• (Linda Kash) "I dream of Genie with the light brown hair. Floating like a vapor on the soft summer air. LOOK OUT. Campdown races sing this song doo da doo da --"

• (Linda Kash) "I'm walking on air -- you know -- this is a sensation which is -- forget it. When I became a dentist, I thought I was happy, but this --"

• (Linda Kash) "You have to go where the love is. And the love for me, right now, is in Miami, not Blaine."

• (Linda Kash) "We don't associate with the creative types. We have a Scrabble club. We associate with people with babies."

Eugene Levy as Dr. Allan Pearl

• (Eugene Levy) "I think I got a, a, an entertaining bug -- from my grandfather -- uh, Chaim Pearlgut, who was very very big in the, um, Yiddish, uh, theater, back in New York. He was in the, the very -- the sardonically irreverent -- "Dybbuk Shmybbuk, I Said 'More Ham'" -- and that revue I believe was 1914, and that revue was what made him famous. Incidentally, the song "Bubbe Made A Kishke" came from that revue."

• (Eugene Levy) "Nothing ever happens on Mars/No sports or entertainment/No swinging bars/You stand around/You stand some more/On a planet named for the Roman god of war."

Fred Willard as Ron Albertson

• (Fred Willard) "I'd wish they'd at least give us a line. I made some suggestions --"
• (Catherine O'Hara) "We should be line-DANCING."

• (Fred Willard) "You know, in China they'll kill a monkey at the table and split its head open and eat the brains right out of it."

• (Fred Willard) "We consider ourselves bi-costal if you consider the Mississippi River one of the coasts."

• (Fred Willard) "Let me ask you something. You're a medical man."
• (Eugene Levy) "Yes."
• (Fred Willard) "Uh -- I wanna ask you something -- if you -- you --"
• (Eugene Levy) "Oh."
• (Fred Willard) "No, I, I --"
• (Eugene Levy) "Oh, for heaven's sake, no, noooooo --"
• (Fred Willard) "Look, no please, I just want --"
• (Eugene Levy) "No."
• (Mrs. Allan Pearl) "You don't have to do that --"
• (Fred Willard) "Doctor, please --"
• (Eugene Levy) "Mmmmmedicine Man not go near Dances With Stumpy. Noooo."

• (Fred Willard) "If there's an empty space, just fill it with a line, that's what I like to do. Even if it's from another show."

• (Fred Willard) "I had to have penis reduction surgery."
• (Eugene Levy) "Penis reduction ?"
• (Catherine O'Hara) "I said to him, "Ron, you've gotta do something." And he says to me, "Well, why don't you get one of those vagina enlargements?""

Lewis Arquette as Clifford Wooley

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Catherine O'Hara as Sheila

• (Catherine O'Hara) "He's teaching me to change my instincts -- or at least ignore them."

Bob Balaban as Lloyd Miller

• (Bob Balaban) "I don't want to interfere, but I think it would be -- I think we have to work on --"
• (Christopher Guest) "I can't hear you."
• (Bob Balaban) "I think we have to work on the music a little bit more. But I don't want to make trouble. So,"
• (Bob Balaban) "and I don't really want to do this in front of them --"
• (Christopher Guest) "Well, where do you want to do it?"
• (Bob Balaban) "Well, I think we have to sit down and make a schedule that includes some music time, because I think Jane and I have to work --"
• (Christopher Guest) "Why are you whispering? I'm right here, you know?"
• (Bob Balaban) "Oh I'm sorry, do you want me to talk louder? Because I think that that it would be --"
• (Christopher Guest) "Well now it's too loud. You know, just talk like a normal person, OK?"

Paul Dooley as UFO Abductee

• (Paul Dooley) "They took me off into a separate room; I seen 'em takin' different people off; different ones of us off in separate rooms and put me on a big white table and uh the guy that took me in there; to examine me I guess; he probed me and then I was in there I bet more than three or four hours, in that room, being probed and at one time or another these different ones of 'em came in, four or five or six of 'em at different times, and all of 'em probed me, uh, not all at once, you know, individually. Later on, years later, now, even still, uh, it's a funny thing; it happened on a Sunday and every Sunday about the time I was taken on board that ship I; find I have no feelings in my buttocks."

David Cross as UFO Expert

• (David Cross) "I've been coming to this circle for about five years, and measuring it. The diameter and the circumference are constantly changing, but the radius stays the same. Which brings me to the number 5. There are five letters in the word Blaine. Now, if you mix up the letters in the word Blaine, mix 'em around, eventually, you'll come up with Nebali. Nebali. The name of a planet in a galaxy way, way, way -- way far away. And another thing. Once you go into that circle, the weather never changes. It is always 67 degrees with a 40% chance of rain."

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