Wedding Crashers Quotes

Wedding Crashers is a television show that appeared on TV in 1970 . Wedding Crashers completed its run in 1970.

It features Rolfe Kent in charge of musical score, and Julio Macat as head of cinematography.

Wedding Crashers is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Wedding Crashers is 119 minutes long. Wedding Crashers is distributed by New Line Cinema.

The cast includes: Vince Vaughn as Jeremy Grey, Owen Wilson as John Beckwith, Keir O'Donnell as Todd Cleary, Ellen Albertini Dow as Grandma Mary Cleary, Will Ferrell as Chazz Reinhold, Bradley Cooper as Sack Lodge, Rachel McAdams as Claire Cleary, Isla Fisher as Gloria Cleary, Ron Canada as Randolph, Henry Gibson as Father O'Neil, Jenny Alden as Christina Cleary, and Rachel McAdams as Ken Cleary.

Wedding Crashers Quotes

Rachel McAdams as Claire Cleary

• (Rachel McAdams) "True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another."

• (Rachel McAdams) "We're a folk singing group from Salt Lake City."
• (Isla Fisher) "Yeah."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Yes, we are."

• (Rachel McAdams) "Are you OK?"
• (Owen Wilson) "Yeah, I'm just swinging the jib for your dad, starboard."
• (Rachel McAdams) "But starboard's this way."
• (Owen Wilson) "That's right. What am I thinking? I'm used to sailing Down Under with the Kiwis so everything's backwards. Even the toilets, when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way. Really freaks you out the first time you see it."

• (Rachel McAdams) "Well -- you're not that young."

• (Rachel McAdams) "What is true love?"
• (Owen Wilson) "True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another."
• (Rachel McAdams) "It's a little cheesy but I like it."
• (Owen Wilson) "I read it on a bumper sticker."

• (Rachel McAdams) "Congratulations, young man. Welcome to the family."

• (Rachel McAdams) "Actually Todd is an amazing painter. He's going to the Rhode Island School of Design."
• (Owen Wilson) "Wow, that's a great school. Congratulations, Todd. That's really impressive. RIS-D."
• (Keir O'Donnell) "Yeah, Dad; Dad always thought I'd be a political liability --"
• (Keir O'Donnell) "-- in case he ever ran for President."
• (Secretary Cleary) "Now, now Todd. Actually, truth be told, polling shows that a majority of the American people would ultimately empathize with our situation."
• (Keir O'Donnell) "What IS our situation, Dad?"
• (Ellen Albertini Dow) "You're a homo."

• (Rachel McAdams) "Don't you think that's really soon?"
• (Secretary Cleary) "Well, you know Gloria, she's impetuous. Has to have what she wants, when she wants it. We had to give her a sweet sixteen on her thirteenth birthday."

• (Rachel McAdams) "Oh, so you're hiding I see."

Vince Vaughn as Jeremy Grey

• (Vince Vaughn) "I didn't get a lot of sleep last night."
• (Owen Wilson) "Soft mattress?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep."

• (Vince Vaughn) "What happened?"
• (Owen Wilson) "I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a f***ing race horse."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Guys, the real enemy here, is the institution of marriage, it unrealistic, it's crazy."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?"
• (Isla Fisher) "What?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "That we're all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone; with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from 'What's Happening,' the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote 'Catcher in the Rye,' Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother. We're all one."

• (Vince Vaughn) "I'm sure you'd love to be free, maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance, grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe. And how about you? Don't you want to get inside Chastity without having to wonder if everyone's gonna find out?"
• (Owen Wilson) "God, wouldn't that be sweet?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "Wouldn't that be nice? And have some Latin guy sweating all over you, talking to you in languages you don't understand, needing you, wanting you, taking you?"
• (Owen Wilson) "All we're trying to say is, put your swords away for a second. Let's finish this and let's move on."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Get out there and get some strange ass."

• (Vince Vaughn) "I don't give a baker's f***."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Are you kidding me? I love crab cakes. They're phenomenal."

• (Vince Vaughn) "I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you."

• (Vince Vaughn) "I'm not even gunna say it, but you know I'm upset."
• (Owen Wilson) "Yes. But I think you look good."
• (Vince Vaughn) "You know I don't look good."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Oh, that's terrific. Why don't you just feed me to the lions? Step on my head when I am drowning."
• (Owen Wilson) "What?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "What do you mean "what"? What a great friend, John. This is completely against the rules. You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. There's no overtime."
• (Owen Wilson) "No overtime. Yeah, well what about the Chang wedding three years ago. 2am, you drag me fifty miles to watch you and some chick play Mah-Jongg with her grandmother? In a retirement home."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Completely different situation. She was a very, very family-oriented girl. And very into her grandmother."
• (Owen Wilson) "Yeah."
• (Vince Vaughn) "That was my first Asian."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Todd, I notice you haven't even touched your food yet."
• (Keir O'Donnell) "I don't eat meat or fish."
• (Ellen Albertini Dow) "He's a homo."

• (Vince Vaughn) "John. Red seven."
• (Owen Wilson) "I don't know what red seven means."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Hot route."
• (Owen Wilson) "I don't -- What is hot route?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "Will you just go stand on the other side please?"

• (Vince Vaughn) "Looks like a little kid at Toys-R-Us."
• (Vince Vaughn) "I can't be around her."
• (Owen Wilson) "Get off your high horse and stop judging people."

• (Janice) "I've got the perfect girl for you."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested -- And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair."
• (Janice) "Okay --"
• (Vince Vaughn) "OK, can you, can you put that so he can't see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice -- great talk."

• (Vince Vaughn) "That's interesting John, that glass looks half full to me."
• (Owen Wilson) "Wow, now that you mention it, it is half full."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal."

• (Vince Vaughn) "These bacon-wrapped scallops; phenomenal."

• (Vince Vaughn) "I'm sorry. I'm not sorry. Okay? I'm not gonna apologize, I'm a cocksman."
• (Owen Wilson) "Tourette's."

• (Vince Vaughn) "I can't take any more of this f***ing s***."

• (Vince Vaughn) "I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out. You selfish son of a bitch. You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Just a couple of kids who like to f***, tryin' to make it honest, I get it --"

• (Vince Vaughn) "Does anyone know what this here is used for?"
• (Unnamed) "Rollin' a fatty?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "No -- Not for -- Where'd you learn that?"

• (Vince Vaughn) "Listen, I'm getting married."
• (Owen Wilson) "Get out."
• (Vince Vaughn) "What? You just sat there and said you were happy for me, that I --"
• (Owen Wilson) "I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading don't-kill-myself books."
• (Vince Vaughn) "You said that the book wasn't yours."
• (Owen Wilson) "Don't worry about the book. It isn't mine. But I glanced at it."
• (Vince Vaughn) "John, you've been my friend for 16 years. I'm getting married. I need you there to be my best man."
• (Owen Wilson) "Kindly leave."
• (Vince Vaughn) "I'm try --"
• (Owen Wilson) "Kindly leave."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Phenomenal finger food."

• (Vince Vaughn) "She hasn't returned your phone calls, she hasn't responded to any of your letters, she didn't respond to the candygram. God knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. 'Cause she didn't keep it, and I know you're not raising the god**** thing. I think it's very obvious at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Okay, what's our back story?"
• (Owen Wilson) "We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists."
• (Vince Vaughn) "I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate."
• (Owen Wilson) "Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup."
• (Vince Vaughn) "I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup. I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?"

• (Vince Vaughn) "John? I need to see you right away. It's important."
• (Owen Wilson) "What's going on?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "We got three big weeks ahead of us. It's wedding season, kid."
• (Owen Wilson) "You sandbaggin' son of a bitch."
• (Vince Vaughn) "I've got us down for 17 of them already."
• (Owen Wilson) "Okay, now how many of them have cash bars?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "Great question. I like where your head's at and two of them actually are, but I got us covered: Purple hearts. We won't have to pay for a drink all night."
• (Owen Wilson) "Oh, yeah. Perfect."
• (Vince Vaughn) "We are gonna have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that get so aroused by the thought of marriage that they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind."
• (Owen Wilson) "And who's gonna be there to catch them?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal. What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding Season?"
• (Owen Wilson) "Mr. Grey?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "Yes. The answer would be, um, Wedding Season?"
• (Owen Wilson) "Bingo. I'm gonna get my suit. Now who are we this time?"

• (Vince Vaughn) "That's not how you cut cake, you gotta treat cake like a lady."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Gloria please I'm exhausted, I've had a very long day I had your sister's boyfriend dry hump me up and down the field all afternoon my leg's cut and bleeding I'm really not in the mood for this"
• (Isla Fisher) "JESUS CHRIST"
• (Isla Fisher) "My father warned me about people like you Jeremy, I'm just another notch on your belt"
• (Vince Vaughn) "What are you talking about? It's not like that"
• (Isla Fisher) "Then what's it like Jeremy?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "NO WAIT I just feel very strongly that we're starting only to expressing ourselves in a physically sexual specifically way and I just want to play some "catch-up" on finding who's inside here"
• (Isla Fisher) "Jeremy, you're amazing"
• (Vince Vaughn) "I think you're amazing"
• (Isla Fisher) "Don't "ever" leave me"
• (Vince Vaughn) "Ever"
• (Isla Fisher) "Good. Because I'd find you"

• (Vince Vaughn) "How many times you gonna do this s***? Rule #32: You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse."
• (Owen Wilson) "Rule #16: Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion."

• (Bratty Kid) "I want a bicycle."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Listen, a bicycle is going to take a lot of balloons and frankly, uncle Jeremy is a bit tired. How about I make you something else?"
• (Bratty Kid) "I just want a bicycle."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Why -- why are you yelling at me?"
• (Bratty Kid) "Make me a bicycle, clown."
• (Vince Vaughn) "All right, I'm going to make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle."
• (Bratty Kid) "Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Take that, you hyena, don't say thank you."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Have you even shot one of these things before?"
• (Owen Wilson) "The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the f*** a quail is."
• (Vince Vaughn) "I feel totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?"
• (Owen Wilson) "I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a f***ing human being. That'll get you jacked up."
• (Owen Wilson) "That's a little heavy."
• (Vince Vaughn) "I mean like, hunt a human being right now, "Most Dangerous Game". Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Bunch those panties up into a little ball, and put that little ball right in your mouth. Oh, yeah --"
• (Vince Vaughn) "And, um, yeah. I will definitely call you back later, then. I'll talk to you soon. Thank you, Larry."

• (Secretary Cleary) "Are you okay in here?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "I was just having a bad dream."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, and I think I'm ready to take this relationship, our relationship to the next level."
• (Isla Fisher) "Jeremy, I am so ready to take it to the next level."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Really?"
• (Isla Fisher) "Yeah. Do you want to watch me with another girl? How about those Brazilian twins we met at the ball game?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "I was thinking more along the lines of an engagement."
• (Isla Fisher) "Oh Jeremy, I do."
• (Vince Vaughn) "I love you."
• (Isla Fisher) "I love you."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Terrific, it was terrific"

• (Vince Vaughn) "She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I have no bodily fluids left in me."

• (Vince Vaughn) "I'm gonna go see Dr. Finklestein and I'm gonna tell him we have a whole new bag of issues. We can forget about mom for a while."

• (Vince Vaughn) "I feel so tiny in your arms."
• (Unnamed) "How tall are you?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "Six foot five, but I feel like I'm four feet."

• (Vince Vaughn) "He's the best man."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Please don't take a turn to negative town."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Share that with the Dalai Lama, jack ass."

• (Vince Vaughn) "You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Gloria, I apologize to you as I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering, 'Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really -- And when am i supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door? 'Cause then it's awkward, it's like "Well, good night." Do you do like to ass-out hug? Where you like -- you hug each other like this, and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close. Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em on the lips?"

• (Vince Vaughn) "RUN. JOHNNY. She's tryin' to kill me."
• (Rachel McAdams) "Grandma."
• (Owen Wilson) "Whoa. Whoa."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Get the gun from her."
• (Secretary Cleary) "Put the gun down. Mother, stop."
• (Vince Vaughn) "This is the real world, lady. You can't just go shooting people on a whim."
• (Owen Wilson) "What did you do?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "I told you that in confidence. That was a confession."
• (Rachel McAdams) "What are you talking about?"

• (Vince Vaughn) "Never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket. Rule #115."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's got to be an interesting combination."
• (Bradley Cooper) "I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a f***ing problem with that?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on, or just your general point of view towards everybody. But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye."

• (Vince Vaughn) "She's fit for a strait-jacket. This broad's f***ed three ways towards the weekend. But you know what, Father? I dig it. It turns me on."

• (Vince Vaughn) "I'm getting married."
• (Owen Wilson) "Get out."
• (Vince Vaughn) "But you just said you were happy --"
• (Owen Wilson) "I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading don't-kill-myself books."
• (Vince Vaughn) "You said the book wasn't yours."
• (Owen Wilson) "Don't worry about the book. It's not mine. But I glanced at it."

• (Vince Vaughn) "Buddy, for your own good you gotta let this go."

• (Vince Vaughn) "You wanna know what the kicker is, father? Maybe I'm a little f***ing crazy. That's right, maybe Jeremy's a little nuts. Maybe there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise, I know it's not on the surface. I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was kid, and his name was Shiloh. We used to play checkers with each other every day, and bless his heart, Shiloh would always let me win."

• (Vince Vaughn) "I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger."

Bradley Cooper as Sack Lodge

• (Bradley Cooper) "What's this, uh, company called?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "HOLY SHI --"
• (Owen Wilson) "Shirts and Pants. Holy Shirts and Pants. It's a little corny and obvious, but what do you get out of being subtle, right?"

• (Bradley Cooper) "Claire, you get your f***ing ass on that altar right now."
• (Owen Wilson) "Wow, we're getting a great preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner over here."

• (Bradley Cooper) "Are you not getting enough attention?"

• (Bradley Cooper) "Why don't you tell her, John?"
• (Owen Wilson) "I don't know what goin' on."
• (Bradley Cooper) "You don't know?"
• (Owen Wilson) "I'm playing Catch-up too."
• (Rachel McAdams) "Sack. What are you doing?"
• (Bradley Cooper) "You remembering yet? You remember yet?"
• (Rachel McAdams) "Are you okay? Sack."
• (Bradley Cooper) "They're not who they say they are, Claire. Those aren't even their real names."
• (Rachel McAdams) "What?"
• (Bradley Cooper) "No, everything they told you was a lie."
• (Rachel McAdams) "I-I don't understand what your saying."
• (Bradley Cooper) "Claire, they crash weddings. They crash weddings so that they can sleep with girls. Everything that they told us has been a complete fabrication."
• (Rachel McAdams) "You're joking."
• (Bradley Cooper) "All of it was a; Don't you f***in' get up."
• (Rachel McAdams) "Sack, will you just stop?"
• (Bradley Cooper) "Okay. Okay."

• (Bradley Cooper) "There's something not right about these guys."
• (Flip) "What do you mean?"
• (Bradley Cooper) "I mean, it's time to send them home."
• (Flip) "Sack, don't do anything crazy."
• (Bradley Cooper) "Just relax. I'm just gonna scare them a little bit."
• (Flip) "All right."
• (Bradley Cooper) "TO THE RIGHT."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Aaaahhh. They got me."
• (Bradley Cooper) "Oh, s***."
• (Vince Vaughn) "THEY GOT ME."
• (Owen Wilson) "Oh, s***."

Will Ferrell as Chazz Reinhold

• (Secretary Cleary) "Just wonderful."
• (Will Ferrell) "So damn beautiful. With every death there comes rebirth, it's the circle of life. We're gonna be alright."

• (Will Ferrell) "So how's my protégé?"
• (Owen Wilson) "Jeremy, believe it or not, is getting married."
• (Will Ferrell) "What? What an idiot. What a loser. Good. Good. More for you and me."

• (Will Ferrell) "What is she doing back there? I never know what she's doing."

• (Will Ferrell) "Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac."

• (Will Ferrell) "What the f*** do you want?"

• (Will Ferrell) "Yeah, her boyfriend just died. Dude died in a hang-gliding accident. What an idiot."
• (Will Ferrell) ""Aaaahhh, I'm hang-gliding. Take a good picture, honey, I'm dead.""

• (Will Ferrell) "I almost numchucked you, you don't even realize."

Owen Wilson as John Beckwith

• (Owen Wilson) "You can't marry this guy."
• (Rachel McAdams) "Why?"
• (Owen Wilson) "Because I've fallen for you."

• (Owen Wilson) "What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again."

• (Owen Wilson) "That brings us to the question of frequent flyer miles."
• (Mrs. Kroeger) "I want them."
• (Owen Wilson) "Know what we're gonna do? We're gonna split them right down the middle. How would that be, Mr Kroeger?"
• (Mr. Kroeger) "It would be not good at all. I earned those miles."
• (Mrs. Kroeger) "Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to meet your whore."
• (Mr. Kroeger) "She's not afraid to express herself sexually if that's what you mean."
• (Mrs. Kroeger) "She's a stripper, for God's sake."
• (Mr. Kroeger) "She is not."
• (Mrs. Kroeger) "Her name is Chastity. She is white trash, same as you. Hillbilly."

• (Owen Wilson) "Secretary Cleary, I'm John Ryan."
• (Secretary Cleary) "Hi, John."
• (Owen Wilson) "I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia."
• (Secretary Cleary) "You've read my position paper?"
• (Owen Wilson) "I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda."
• (Secretary Cleary) "A sailor? Good man. Take a seat. You didn't happen to catch my speech on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue did you?"
• (Owen Wilson) "Are you kidding me? I thought it was great. Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius. Now if we could just get Congress not to be so short-sighted."
• (Secretary Cleary) "Yes. Well put. Short-sighted. John, what d'you say we head onto the deck and light up a couple of cigars?"
• (Owen Wilson) "Stogies?"
• (Secretary Cleary) "Yeah."
• (Owen Wilson) "Why not?"

• (Owen Wilson) "Claire. Will you wait just a second? All I wanted is was a second alone with you so I could explain things. But I've never gotten that chance. Maybe I don't deserve it, so here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. I crashed weddings to meet girls. Business was good. I met a lot of girls. It was childish and it was juvenile."
• (Rachel McAdams) "And pathetic."
• (Owen Wilson) "Yeah. That's probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you, so it's hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that you met back at your folks' place? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I'm John Beckwith by the way. Or my job. But the feelings we felt; the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me. I've changed. I've realized something. I crashed a funeral today."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Oh Jesus."
• (Owen Wilson) "It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged to it."
• (Owen Wilson) "I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might be a genius because it actually does work, he's cleaning up."
• (Rachel McAdams) "John."
• (Owen Wilson) "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realized we're all going to lose the people we love. That's the way it is, but not me. Not right now. Because the person I love the most is standing right here and I'm not ready to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry him and maybe take a walk, take a chance."

• (Owen Wilson) "I crashed a funeral today."

• (Hindu Woman) "French Foreign Legion?"
• (Owen Wilson) "Yeah, we lost a lot of good men out there."
• (Bridesmaid) "Mount Everest?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "I don't like to talk about it because we lost so many good men out there."
• (Owen Wilson) "We lost so many good men out there."
• (Bridesmaid) "Playing with the Yankees?"
• (Owen Wilson) "Yes, with the Yankees you loose good men to trades and unruly fans. Look I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry."

• (Owen Wilson) "I think we've got a crier."
• (Vince Vaughn) "No shot."
• (Owen Wilson) "20 bucks."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Make it 40."

• (Owen Wilson) "Whoa, hold it, Sack."
• (Trap) "OK, Sackmaster, one more. We should get back to the bar."
• (Bradley Cooper) "You get near my fiancée again, I kill you."
• (Owen Wilson) "Let me say one thing."
• (Bradley Cooper) "Did you check out the rack on that bartender?"
• (Trap) "Hey, you're the Sack. She'll come to you."
• (Bradley Cooper) "Oh my God, yes, she will, you're right."

• (Vivian) "Would you say you're completely full of s*** or just 50%?"
• (Owen Wilson) "I hope just 50 but who knows."

• (Kathleen Cleary) "Boy, it's hot out here."
• (Owen Wilson) "Yeah."
• (Kathleen Cleary) "You should've played in your underwear."

• (Woman at Jewish Reception) "I saw you at the wedding."
• (Owen Wilson) "Yeah?"
• (Woman at Jewish Reception) "You were crying."
• (Owen Wilson) "Oh s***. You weren't supposed to see that. Now you probably think I'm a big p*****."
• (Woman at Jewish Reception) "No, you were so sweet."

• (Owen Wilson) "Are you going to give a toast?"
• (Rachel McAdams) "Yes."
• (Owen Wilson) "Nervous?"
• (Rachel McAdams) "A little bit."
• (Owen Wilson) "What are you going to say?"
• (Owen Wilson) "You keep it in your cleavage."
• (Rachel McAdams) "Nowhere else to put it. Normally I'm not very good at these things, but I think this one's pretty good."
• (Owen Wilson) ""I never thought my sister would find someone who cared about what other people thought as much as she did; until I met Craig?"."
• (Rachel McAdams) "Yes, that's funny. It's funny because it's true. People like funny."
• (Owen Wilson) "I know, but the whole funny-because-it's-true bit only works if the truth is a small thing like "everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha ha ha". I think you're better off going with something from the heart. Honestly."
• (Rachel McAdams) "I think people are going to like this."
• (Owen Wilson) "I think you're going to hear crickets."
• (Rachel McAdams) "I think you're wrong."
• (Owen Wilson) "Sounds of silence. Go walk the plank."
• (Rachel McAdams) "Uh uh. I'm sticking to it."
• (Owen Wilson) "Ok, meet me at the back of the room. I'll be the guy waiting to say I told you so."

• (Owen Wilson) "Love doesn't exist, that's what I'm trying to tell you guys. And I'm not picking on love, 'cause I don't think friendship exists either."

• (Owen Wilson) "Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-f***ed the s*** out of me."
• (Owen Wilson) "Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you."

• (Owen Wilson) "How long have you and the Secretary been married?"
• (Kathleen Cleary) "30 years next April."
• (Owen Wilson) "That's beautiful."
• (Kathleen Cleary) "Yeah. And we were faithful for two of them."

• (Owen Wilson) "What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water?"

• (Kathleen Cleary) "I just had my tits done. You like 'em?"
• (Owen Wilson) "Those -- seem like lovely tits."
• (Kathleen Cleary) "William doesn't give a s*** about my tits."
• (Owen Wilson) "Well, darn him. But Mrs. Cleary, this is pretty sudden --"
• (Kathleen Cleary) "Oh, you been playing "Cat and Mouse" with me ever since you came here."
• (Owen Wilson) "Mrs. Cleary, I don't --"
• (Kathleen Cleary) "Call me Kat."
• (Owen Wilson) "Okay, Kat."
• (Kathleen Cleary) "Call me "Kitty Kat"."
• (Owen Wilson) "Okay, Kitty Kat. This feels "borderline" inappropriate."
• (Kathleen Cleary) "Feel them."
• (Owen Wilson) "What?"
• (Kathleen Cleary) "I said feel them."
• (Owen Wilson) "Mrs. Cleary --"
• (Kathleen Cleary) "Kitty Kat."
• (Owen Wilson) "I'm sorry, Kitty Kat, are you out of your f***ing mind?"
• (Kathleen Cleary) "I'm not letting you out of this room until you feel them."
• (Owen Wilson) "Wow, they feel really nice. Real orb-like. It's amazing what they can do --"
• (Kathleen Cleary) "Pervert."

• (Owen Wilson) "Sorry I'm late."
• (Vince Vaughn) "No problem."
• (Owen Wilson) "I'm sorry I called you white trash."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Apology accepted."
• (Owen Wilson) "And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't even know what that means."
• (Vince Vaughn) "John, it's OK. Do you mind if I get married now?"

• (Owen Wilson) "Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Well snap out of it. What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl."
• (Owen Wilson) "I wasn't crying like a little girl."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "You motorboatin son of a bitch. You old sailor you. Where is she? She still in the house?"
• (Owen Wilson) "What's wrong with you?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" What's wrong with you?"
• (Owen Wilson) "No, what's wrong with you?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting."
• (Owen Wilson) "Drop it."
• (Vince Vaughn) "You drop it. You stop projecting on me. Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood."
• (Owen Wilson) "Drop it."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Team player."

• (Owen Wilson) "You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts."

• (Owen Wilson) "Get up, you're making us look like pussies."
• (Vince Vaughn) "If I had any air in my lungs I'd scream at you."

• (Owen Wilson) "Sanjay Collins."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Chuck Vindaloo. Excited to be here."
• (Owen Wilson) "Seamus O'Toole."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Bobby O'Shea."
• (Owen Wilson) "I'm ready to get drunk."

• (Owen Wilson) "Oh, you're gonna cover me."
• (Rachel McAdams) "Like white on rice."
• (Owen Wilson) "All right I like my odds here. Let me give you a little warning, I'm going downtown. Look for me in the endzone after this play, I'll be the guy holding the ball."

• (Owen Wilson) "Hey, listen. What angle are you going to play here?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "I am going to go with the balloon animal display. For the kids. And then when she comes close to check it out, guess who is the broken man, haunted past? How about you?"
• (Owen Wilson) "I am going to go dance with the little flower girl. Oh, and I might be a charter member of Oprah's book club."
• (Vince Vaughn) "It's all deadly."

• (Owen Wilson) "Rule #1: Never Leave a Fellow Crasher Behind."

• (Owen Wilson) "Rule No.5: "You're an idiot""

Ellen Albertini Dow as Grandma Mary Cleary

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Isla Fisher as Gloria Cleary

• (Isla Fisher) "I've been thinking about what you said and I think the problem is that I'm not being adventurous enough for you."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Gloria, I'm pretty sure that is not what I've been saying to you."
• (Isla Fisher) "Baby, I'm going to make all your fantasies come true."
• (Vince Vaughn) "But this is not fantasy --"
• (Isla Fisher) "I love you."

• (Isla Fisher) "Ah. That was amazing."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Yeah, it was really great. We should probably head back so they're not looking for us."
• (Isla Fisher) "I always knew my first time would be on a beach."
• (Vince Vaughn) "First time? You're a virgin?"
• (Isla Fisher) "Mm-hmm."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Wow."
• (Isla Fisher) "Jeremy, we are going to be so happy together. I love you."
• (Vince Vaughn) "I'm sorry?"
• (Isla Fisher) "I love you."

• (Isla Fisher) "You're good."
• (Vince Vaughn) "I'm just warming up. Last week I did an exact replica, to scale, of Wrigley Field. Honest to God. I don't have anywhere to put it."
• (Isla Fisher) "OK then, I'll take a sports car."
• (Vince Vaughn) "How about a dance?"
• (Isla Fisher) "That's what I really wanted."

Keir O'Donnell as Todd Cleary

• (Keir O'Donnell) "Mom make you feel her tits?"
• (Owen Wilson) "Did you say something, Todd?"
• (Keir O'Donnell) "Mom make you feel her tits?"
• (Owen Wilson) "Todd, where are you going with this?"
• (Keir O'Donnell) "Just don't say anything to my dad, though. Some friend of my sister's said something to my dad a couple of years ago, he now lives in a shack in Guam -- not by choice."
• (Owen Wilson) "Stop kidding with me Todd. You almost had me. Come on."

• (Keir O'Donnell) "Let's play tummy sticks."

• (Keir O'Donnell) "We had a moment at the dinner table didn't we?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "No. No. We did not have a moment at the dinner table, Todd."

• (Keir O'Donnell) "Death, you are my bitch lover."
• (Secretary Cleary) "Todd, that's good. Tell that mean ocean."

• (Keir O'Donnell) "I'll be in my room, painting."
• (Keir O'Donnell) "Homo things."

• (Secretary Cleary) "It wouldn't kill you to play some competitive sports, once in a while."
• (Keir O'Donnell) "Would that make you love me?"

• (Keir O'Donnell) "Jeremy tried to seduce me. I want my painting back."
• (Vince Vaughn) "The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me."

• (Keir O'Donnell) "I made you a painting. I call it "Celebration." It's sexual and violent. I thought you might like it."

Ron Canada as Randolph

• (Ron Canada) "You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man?"
• (Vince Vaughn) "Jam, I --"
• (Ron Canada) "Listen man, the family dog lives downstairs. I can wake him up for you if you like. His name is Snooky."
• (Vince Vaughn) "You could not be more wrong about what's happening here --"
• (Ron Canada) "Just be gentle with her, OK? She be pushing 90."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Jesus Christ."

Henry Gibson as Father O'Neil

• (Henry Gibson) "And now for our next reading I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria up to the lectern."
• (Owen Wilson) "20 bucks, First Corinthians."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Double or nothing, Colossians 3:12."
• (Isla Fisher) "And now a reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians."

• (Henry Gibson) "As you know, Craig and Christina are quite the sailing enthusiasts. In that light, they have elected to exchange vows which they themselves have written."
• (Craig) "I, Craig, take you, Christina, to be my wife, my best friend and my first mate. Through sickness and health, clear skies and squalls."
• (Jenny Alden) "I, Christina, take you, Craig, to be my best friend and my captain -- to be your anchor and your sail -- your starboard and your port."
• (Vince Vaughn) "Well this is a first."
• (Henry Gibson) "And now I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the first mate."

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