Weeds (season 1) Quotes

Weeds is a television show that first aired in 2005 on Showtime (TV network). Weeds ended in 2005.

Weeds aired for 10 episodes.

The cast includes: Justin Kirk as Andy Botwin, Renée Victor as Lupita, Kevin Nealon as Doug Wilson, Elizabeth Perkins as Celia Hodes, Mary-Louise Parker as Nancy Botwin, Kevin Nealon as Josh Wilson, Romany Malco as Conrad Shepard, Tonye Patano as Heylia James, Haley Hudson as Quinn, Alexander Gould as Shane Botwin, and Hunter Parrish as Silas Botwin.

Weeds Quotes

Mary-Louise Parker as Nancy Botwin

• (Mary-Louise Parker) "People got stoned for The Passion of the Christ? That's disturbing."
• (Kevin Nealon) "It's not as disturbing as seeing it not stoned. Religion my ass, it's a straight-up snuff film."

• (Mary-Louise Parker) "Foul. Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?"
• (Elizabeth Perkins) "Well, technically, Nancy, Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates."

• (Mary-Louise Parker) "Andy, today it was brought to my attention that the downside to this business is death, so right now I'm not thinking about "the bakery" I'm thinking about enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans."
• (Justin Kirk) "If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own."
• (Mary-Louise Parker) "Ok, now I pledge never to die."

• (Mary-Louise Parker) "I can't believe I trust you with my drug money. You're an idiot."
• (Kevin Nealon) "I'm an idiot savant."

• (Mary-Louise Parker) "I'm not a dealer, I'm a mother who happens to distribute illegal products through a sham bakery set up by my ethically questionable CPA and his crooked lawyer friend."

• (Mary-Louise Parker) "You listen, you stay away from my customer base, you don't deal to kids."
• (Kevin Nealon) "They're too young to bleed, they're too young for weed, no grass on the field no grass will they yield."
• (Mary-Louise Parker) "You're a poet."
• (Kevin Nealon) "You know it."

• (Mary-Louise Parker) "Andy, this is my business, it's nothing to do with you. Go downstairs and do what you do best, patrol the couch in your underwear."

• (Mary-Louise Parker) "Hey, that bag looks a little small."
• (Romany Malco) "You never question Heylia's eyeballing. That's the rainman of weed right there."

• (Mary-Louise Parker) "You promised me no kids."
• (Kevin Nealon) "Yeah, but they all want it, and they cry if you say no."

• (Mary-Louise Parker) "Nice, Shane goes on a paint rampage, gets suspended. The two of you ditch school to f*** in my guest room. I've got everything under control."
• (Haley Hudson) "But don't you see, technically we're not under your roof."

Justin Kirk as Andy Botwin

• (Justin Kirk) "Look kids, Chris is risen."

• (Justin Kirk) "Hey, Pants."
• (Mary-Louise Parker) "Please tell me I didn't just hear that you had cyber sex with a fifteen-year-old deaf girl."

• (Justin Kirk) "How can you be so blindly pro-Bush?"
• (Kevin Nealon) "I like his wife Laura -- I used to buy weed from her at SMU."

• (Justin Kirk) "Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing; it's all good, believe me. Problem now is -- every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So -- First order of business; no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked -- You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning; that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a f***in' band-aid; ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers; specificially, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot. Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube -- is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on; when you tug your Thomas on the toilet; ffft; shoot right into the bowl. In bed; soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist; you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Ok; class dismissed."
• (Justin Kirk) "Hey."
• (Justin Kirk) ". Homework."

• (Justin Kirk) "Hey, what do you think is better "Jesus say relax" or "I'm to sexy for my Lord?""

• (Justin Kirk) "I paid for a full ounce, they f***ing cheated me."
• (Mary-Louise Parker) "They f***ing saved your ass from going to jail."
• (Ms. Greenstein - Attorney) "Still that's very uncool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage."

Elizabeth Perkins as Celia Hodes

• (Elizabeth Perkins) "Here. I'm posting these in the neighborhood. I tell you, I have a good mind to stay in a hotel until they catch that cougar. Though a part of me is hoping it will maul Dean, and I wouldn't want to miss that."
• (Mary-Louise Parker) ""What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly." Are you sure this isn't what to do if you date a mountain lion?"

• (Tennis Pro) "I'm sorry."
• (Elizabeth Perkins) "You're a big whore."

• (Elizabeth Perkins) "I should've had an abortion."

• (Elizabeth Perkins) "Let your freak flag fly."

• (Elizabeth Perkins) "I followed Dean here, did you see him?"
• (Mary-Louise Parker) "Yes, I did, they were playing poker"
• (Elizabeth Perkins) "Oh, great, now he's going to come home broke, stinking of marijuana. Guess that's better than oriental p*****."

• (Elizabeth Perkins) "Is it true what they say? That once a white woman's been with a carpenter she never goes back?"
• (Romany Malco) "Baby, once I nail something, it stays nailed."

• (Elizabeth Perkins) "Here's the thing, I really want to f*** around on Dean but the thought of putting one more cock into my mouth is just too depressing."
• (Mary-Louise Parker) "I'm not sure a vagina would be much of an improvement for you."

Romany Malco as Conrad Shepard

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Kevin Nealon as Doug Wilson

• (Kevin Nealon) "Did you try the Sag Aloo? It's to die for and then be reincarnated and then die for again."

• (Kevin Nealon) "It's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam only you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and s***."

• (Kevin Nealon) "Don't look at me, I'm f***ed up on corn bread."

• (Kevin Nealon) "Nance, trust me, a bakery is virtually impossible to run without drug money."

• (Kevin Nealon) "How do you ask the woman that makes your kids' lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass? How, Andy?"

Alexander Gould as Shane Botwin

• (Alexander Gould) "You can't miss the bear."

• (Alexander Gould) "I think pink's really your color, you f***wad."

Tonye Patano as Heylia James

• (Tonye Patano) "Serious s*** calls for serious cash and your cash got a sense of humor."

Haley Hudson as Quinn

• (Haley Hudson) "Can we have sex in your house?"

• (Haley Hudson) "Ok, we are breaking up."
• (Hunter Parrish) "Come on, think of all the time this will save us on foreplay, just whisper, "Shoot me in the optimum kill zone," I'll be good to go."
• (Haley Hudson) "I could whisper, "Linoleum" and you'd be good to go."

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