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Weeds (season 7) Quotes

Weeds is a television program that debuted in 2011 on Showtime (TV network). Weeds ended its run in 2011.

Weeds was on for 13 episodes.

The cast includes: Justin Kirk as Andy Botwin, Kevin Nealon as Doug Wilson, Mary-Louise Parker as Nancy Botwin, Kevin Nealon as Josh Wilson, Tonye Patano as Heylia James, Alexander Gould as Shane Botwin, and Hunter Parrish as Silas Botwin.

Weeds Quotes

Mary-Louise Parker as Nancy Botwin

  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "I can't believe I trust you with my drug money. You're an idiot."
  • (Kevin Nealon) "I'm an idiot savant."
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "People got stoned for The Passion of the Christ? That's disturbing."
  • (Kevin Nealon) "It's not as disturbing as seeing it not stoned. Religion my ass, it's a straight-up snuff film."
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "You've made your bed, now f*** in it."
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "You listen, you stay away from my customer base, you don't deal to kids."
  • (Kevin Nealon) "They're too young to bleed, they're too young for weed, no grass on the field no grass will they yield."
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "You're a poet."
  • (Kevin Nealon) "You know it."
  • (Celia Hodes) "Here's the thing, I really want to f*** around on Dean but the thought of putting one more cock into my mouth is just too depressing."
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "I'm not sure a vagina would be much of an improvement for you."
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "Foul. Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?"
  • (Celia Hodes) "Well, technically, Nancy, Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates."
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "Andy, this is my business, it's nothing to do with you. Go downstairs and do what you do best, patrol the couch in your underwear."
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "I'm the suburban baroness of bud, Nancy."
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "Hey, that bag looks a little small."
  • (Conrad Shepard) "You never question Heylia's eyeballing. That's the rainman of weed right there."
  • (Celia Hodes) "I followed Dean here, did you see him?"
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "Yes, I did, they were playing poker"
  • (Celia Hodes) "Oh, great, now he's going to come home broke, stinking of marijuana. Guess that's better than oriental p*****."
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "I don't give a flying f*** if you do have cancer, put your tits away in front of my kid."
  • (Celia Hodes) "Here. I'm posting these in the neighborhood. I tell you, I have a good mind to stay in a hotel until they catch that cougar. Though a part of me is hoping it will maul Dean, and I wouldn't want to miss that."
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) ""What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly." Are you sure this isn't what to do if you date a mountain lion?"
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "Nice, Shane goes on a paint rampage, gets suspended. The two of you ditch school to f*** in my guest room. I've got everything under control."
  • (Quinn) "But don't you see, technically we're not under your roof."
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "I'm not a dealer, I'm a mother who happens to distribute illegal products through a sham bakery set up by my ethically questionable CPA and his crooked lawyer friend."
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "Andy, today it was brought to my attention that the downside to this business is death, so right now I'm not thinking about "the bakery" I'm thinking about enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans."
  • (Justin Kirk) "If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own."
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "Ok, now I pledge never to die."

Justin Kirk as Andy Botwin

  • (Justin Kirk) "I paid for a full ounce, they f***ing cheated me."
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "They f***ing saved your ass from going to jail."
  • (Ms. Greenstein - Attorney) "Still that's very uncool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage."
  • (Justin Kirk) "Hey, Pants."
  • (Mary-Louise Parker) "Please tell me I didn't just hear that you had cyber sex with a fifteen-year-old deaf girl."
  • (Justin Kirk) "Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing; it's all good, believe me. Problem now is -- every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So -- First order of business; no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked -- You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning; that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a f***in' band-aid; ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers; specificially, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot. Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube -- is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on; when you tug your Thomas on the toilet; ffft; shoot right into the bowl. In bed; soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist; you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Ok; class dismissed."
  • (Justin Kirk) "Hey."
  • (Justin Kirk) ". Homework."
  • (Justin Kirk) "Hey, what do you think is better "Jesus say relax" or "I'm to sexy for my Lord?""
  • (Justin Kirk) "Man, how did you get so smart at what, sixteen? It took me years to learn slightly defective chicks are the way to go. I once went out with this girl with a baby arm, insane in the sack, plus when she grabbed my dick with her little hand it looked gigantic."
  • (Justin Kirk) "Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us, what do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?"
  • (Lupita) "The coffee table."
  • (Justin Kirk) "Look kids, Chris is risen."

Kevin Nealon as Doug Wilson

  • (Kevin Nealon) "Nance, trust me, a bakery is virtually impossible to run without drug money."
  • (Kevin Nealon) "Don't look at me, I'm f***ed up on corn bread."
  • (Kevin Nealon) "It's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam only you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and s***."
  • (Kevin Nealon) "How do you ask the woman that makes your kids' lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass? How, Andy?"

Alexander Gould as Shane Botwin

  • (Alexander Gould) "You can't miss the bear."
  • (Alexander Gould) "I think pink's really your color, you f***wad."

Hunter Parrish as Silas Botwin

  • (Quinn) "Ok, we are breaking up."
  • (Hunter Parrish) "Come on, think of all the time this will save us on foreplay, just whisper, "Shoot me in the optimum kill zone," I'll be good to go."
  • (Quinn) "I could whisper, "Linoleum" and you'd be good to go."

Tonye Patano as Heylia James

  • (Tonye Patano) "Serious s*** calls for serious cash and your cash got a sense of humor."

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