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Wet Hot American Summer Quotes

Wet Hot American Summer is a TV program that debuted in 1970 . Wet Hot American Summer completed its run in 1970.

It features Howard Bernstein as producer, Theodore Shapiro (composer) in charge of musical score, and Ben Weinstein as head of cinematography.

Wet Hot American Summer is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Wet Hot American Summer is 97 minutes long. Wet Hot American Summer is distributed by USA Films.

The cast includes: Paul Rudd as Andy, Marguerite Moreau as Katie, Amy Poehler as Susie, Michael Showalter as Coop, Bradley Cooper as Ben, Zak Orth as J.J., Michael Ian Black as McKinley, A.D. Miles as Gary, Christopher Meloni as Gene, David Hyde Pierce as Henry, Janeane Garofalo as Beth, Molly Shannon as Gail, Marguerite Moreau as Arty, Michael Showalter as Alan Shemper, Elizabeth Banks as Lindsay, Ken Marino as Victor, Joe Lo Truglio as Neil, and Marisa Ryan as Abby Bernstein.

Wet Hot American Summer Quotes

A.D. Miles as Gary

  • (A.D. Miles) "Hey Abby, I thought this was a different bunk."
  • (Marisa Ryan) "No."
  • (A.D. Miles) "Am I bothering you?"

Amy Poehler as Susie

  • (Standup Comic) "White folks sound so stupid when they get mad. They be like "hey asshole, I'm going to kick your b-hind." But the brothers won't even need to raise their voice. These motherf***ers be like "don't make me say it twice.""
  • (Amy Poehler) "That's true, that's true."
  • (Michael Ian Black) "I hate white people."
  • (Amy Poehler) "OK, stop. I feel like I'm watching regional theatre, you guys. God. Am I in the Cleveland Playhouse or something? Your craft is a muscle, you need to exercise it. Take a break; think about what you've done."
  • (Amy Poehler) "You guys, I'm really going to miss this place."
  • (Michael Showalter) "Me too."
  • (Bradley Cooper) "Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today, we'll meet again, and we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into."
  • (Amy Poehler) "Yeah."
  • (Bradley Cooper) "What time do you wanna meet?"
  • (Zak Orth) "You mean ten years from now?"
  • (Michael Showalter) "Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it."
  • (Amy Poehler) "Okay, so what is it? Is it like 9:00? 9:30?"
  • (Michael Showalter) "Well, let's say 9:00, that way we can be here by 9:30."
  • (Michael Ian Black) "Well, no, why don't we say 9:30, and then make it your beeswax to be here by 9:30? I mean, we'll all be in our late 20s by then. I just don't see any reason why we can't be places on time."
  • (A.D. Miles) "Okay, then, it's settled. 9:30 it is. All agreed?"
  • (Unnamed) "Agreed."
  • (Michael Ian Black) "Good, because I have something at 11:00."
  • (A.D. Miles) "You just have like a trapper-keeper full of appointments, right?"
  • (Michael Ian Black) "No, I just have something at 11:00, and I can't change it, because I already moved it twice."
  • (Amy Poehler) "Hey you guys, everybody focus up, okay? All eyes here. I would like to announce that Ben and I are planning to produce a musical number from Godspell for the musical tonight."
  • (Amy Poehler) "I'm sorry, Ben is producing. I am directing/choreographing."
  • (Bradley Cooper) "I'm only speaking from personal experience, but if you can't carry a tune, don't come into the audition environment and waste our time. For serious, okay?"
  • (Amy Poehler) "Okay, and bring a lot of movement clothes, AKA jazz shoes, dance belts, Lycras, et al. And seriously, FYI, you guys, this is not an excuse to get out of your regular activities. This is an excuse to do some good musical theatre. So be prepared, be enthusiastic, and leave your bulls*** attitude and baggage at the door because we don't need it."
  • (Amy Poehler) "Beth, I may regret saying this, but how dare you usurp my authority as producer --"
  • (Bradley Cooper) "Hmph."
  • (Amy Poehler) "-- director-slash-choreographer of the talent show. I need you to know I have been busting my balls, woman. I am telling you, the musical numbers are a mess, my kids are a bunch of amateurs, and the last thing I need today is some diabetic freak prancing around on stage making my life a living hell."
  • (Amy Poehler) "All right; I'll put him on last."
  • (Janeane Garofalo) "Good."
  • (Amy Poehler) "Oh, she always wins."
  • (Amy Poehler) "Before we start, I'd just like to say the campers you're about to see suck dick. But nevertheless, please welcome them."

Janeane Garofalo as Beth

  • (Janeane Garofalo) "McKinley, there are some lower campers stuck in the ropes course. I meant to tell you about that yesterday, but could you get to it now?"
  • (Janeane Garofalo) "Well guys, we've made it to the end of the summer in one piece, except for a few campers who are lepers."
  • (Janeane Garofalo) "The phone. The phone. Where's the f***ing phone?"
  • (Janeane Garofalo) "Listen, Henry --"
  • (David Hyde Pierce) "Please, call me Henry."
  • (Janeane Garofalo) "Okay, Henry it is."
  • (Janeane Garofalo) "Hey, you; penny for your thoughts."
  • (David Hyde Pierce) "Beth, tomorrow is the least of our problems."
  • (Janeane Garofalo) "Don't tell me, oh, don't tell me, don't even tell me you have crabs."
  • (David Hyde Pierce) "No -- Yes, but that's not the point."
  • (Janeane Garofalo) "Andy? You gonna clean that up?"
  • (Paul Rudd) "Oh yeah. I will. Uh, I just got -- I don't have time right now."
  • (Janeane Garofalo) "Clean it up, and come to my office for the meeting."
  • (Paul Rudd) "I gotta --"

Paul Rudd as Andy

  • (Paul Rudd) "You French great."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "You're not so bad yourself, Mr. Man."
  • (Paul Rudd) "You taste like a burger. I don't like you anymore."
  • (Paul Rudd) "f*** you, dyke."
  • (Bobby's Buddy) "Andy, have you seen my swimming buddy? If I can't find him, I'm telling Beth that you let him drown."
  • (Paul Rudd) "I was busy."
  • (Bobby's Buddy) "It's your job to make sure kids don't drown."

Christopher Meloni as Gene

  • (Christopher Meloni) "Now, we need to make 8 gallons of bug juice by snack hour; do you know where the powder packets are?"
  • (A.D. Miles) "Yeah."
  • (Christopher Meloni) "In the pantry, above the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream -- Uh, wait, forget that last part."
  • (A.D. Miles) "Did you say dick cream?"
  • (Christopher Meloni) "No. I said next to my -- stick -- team, you know, stick team. Stickball. Go away, leave me alone."
  • (Christopher Meloni) "Now finish up them taters; I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters."
  • (A.D. Miles) "Come on; what?"
  • (Christopher Meloni) "Finish up the taters."
  • (A.D. Miles) "And then what did you say?"
  • (Christopher Meloni) "And then what did I say?"
  • (A.D. Miles) "You said you were going to -- fondle your sweaters."
  • (Christopher Meloni) "Ah, uh; no I didn't. I said -- fondue the cheddar -- I was thinking about making fondue with cheddar cheese for dinner tonight."
  • (A.D. Miles) "No, Gene, that is not what you said."
  • (Christopher Meloni) "That is what I said. Fondue cheddar."
  • (Christopher Meloni) "Be proud of who you are."
  • (Michael Showalter) "Huh? Gene?"
  • (Christopher Meloni) "Shh -- it isn't about the girl, Coop."
  • (Michael Showalter) "It isn't?"
  • (Christopher Meloni) "Well, it is. But see if you can follow me here -- it"
  • (Christopher Meloni) "-- isn't."
  • (Michael Showalter) "Oh. So it is -- and it isn't."
  • (Christopher Meloni) "You are ready to be taught the new way."
  • (Michael Showalter) "Will you teach me about this; what is it? A new way?"

Michael Ian Black as McKinley

  • (Michael Ian Black) "Come on, do something."
  • (Zak Orth) "Or get the f*** off the stage."
  • (Michael Ian Black) "Arty, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to take a shower today."
  • (Marguerite Moreau) "OK."
  • (Michael Ian Black) "'Cause your parents are coming tomorrow, and I don't want to get in trouble."
  • (Marguerite Moreau) "Sure."
  • (Michael Ian Black) "You haven't taken a shower once this summer. Not once in 8 weeks."
  • (Marguerite Moreau) "I will."
  • (Michael Ian Black) "You're covered in dirt. Take a shower."

Michael Showalter as Alan Shemper

  • (Michael Showalter) "When we first started hanging out together, this morning, we were just friends; but things change, and I've fallen in love with you. I just know that if you gave me a chance, I could make you feel so good. So I am coming, not as your buddy, and not as a co-counselor, but for the first time as a man; a man who loves a woman, and who wants to hold her and provide for her and, yes, have sex with her; but no, seriously, Katie, I love the way you laugh and I love the way your hair smells and I love it that sometimes for no reason you're late for shul, and I don't care that you're bowlegged and I don't care that you're bilingual; all I know is that I would have said no to every single person on your list because I've always wanted you."
  • (Michael Showalter) "I want you inside me."
  • (Marguerite Moreau) "What did you say?"
  • (Michael Showalter) "Oh hey -- from before --"
  • (Michael Showalter) "I went to sleepaway camp so long ago that it was the Stone Age. No, but seriously, it wasn't the Stone Age -- it was the Ice Age. No, really, it was the Stone Age."
  • (Michael Showalter) "When I was at camp, my favorite activity was always arts and crafts. Or, as we used to call it: arts and farts and crafts. We used to make drawings -- cave drawings. Which is my way of saying we were cave men. I went to camp so long ago that I can remember saying "sticks and stones may break my bones" and meaning it. I went to camp so long ago that f***ing Jesus Christ was my counselor. And my best friend hadn't fully evolved yet. His name was Ug and he walked on all fours. There were two epidemics when I went to camp: head lice, and the plague; the bubonic plague."

Ken Marino as Victor

  • (Ken Marino) "I'm a virgin."
  • (Joe Lo Truglio) "Wh; you're joking, right, dude? I mean, you're a stallion, man, you've had like fifty or sixty women, so it's, you know, it's like --"
  • (Ken Marino) "Actually it's closer to -- zero."
  • (Joe Lo Truglio) "Oh my god, oh my god. You are a loser. You are a loser. No."
  • (Joe Lo Truglio) "You're such a loser."

Marguerite Moreau as Katie

  • (Marguerite Moreau) "Listen, Coop; last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this: Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, cut. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex. I just wanna get laid. I just wanna take him and grab him and f*** his brains out, ya know? So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you."

Elizabeth Banks as Lindsay

  • (Elizabeth Banks) "What 'cha doing?"
  • (Paul Rudd) "Writing in my gournal. I write my thoughts in it every day."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Oh, you mean a journal?"
  • (Paul Rudd) "Yeah, whatever. I guess I'm not all smart like you."

Molly Shannon as Gail

  • (Molly Shannon) "I hope you like shrimp cocktail, because I want you to be guests of honor at our wedding next week."
  • (Janeane Garofalo) "Well, I hope it's not jumbo shrimp, because I'm allergic to oxymorons."

David Hyde Pierce as Henry

  • (David Hyde Pierce) "Oh, f*** my cock."
  • (David Hyde Pierce) "So, do you work here?"
  • (Janeane Garofalo) "Yeah, I'm the Camp Director. You?"
  • (David Hyde Pierce) "Me, no, I don't work here."
  • (Janeane Garofalo) "No, yeah, I'm the camp director -- I would know if you worked here."
  • (David Hyde Pierce) "Oh, right."

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