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Whatever Works Quotes

Whatever Works is a television show that was first aired in 1970 . Whatever Works completed its run in 1970.

It features Letty Aronson, and Stephen Tenenbaum as producer, Cliff Eidelman in charge of musical score, and Harris Savides as head of cinematography.

Whatever Works is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Whatever Works is 92 minutes long. Whatever Works is distributed by Sony Pictures Classics.

The cast includes: Larry David as Boris Yellnikoff, Evan Rachel Wood as Melodie St. Ann Celestine, Jessica Hecht as Helena, Patricia Clarkson as Marietta, Carolyn McCormick as Jessica, Henry Cavill as Randy, Ed Begley Jr. as John, and Conleth Hill as Leo Brockman.

Whatever Works Quotes

Evan Rachel Wood as Melodie St. Ann Celestine

  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "Am I a member of my generation?"
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "All I know is that nothing moves faster than the speed of light, so you may as well relax."
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "So what kind of genius are you any way?"
  • (Larry David) "What kind ?"
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "Yeah, like what are you a genius at?"
  • (Larry David) "Quantum Mechanics."
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "Yeah, but what field -- Like music?"
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "If you throw me out and I wind up an Asian prostitute, that's gonna be on your conscience."
  • (Larry David) "I give up. Sleep on the couch, imbecile child. I'm too tired to prolong this brutal exchange between a bedraggled microbe, and a Nobel level thinker."
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "Here, I'll put something on TV."
  • (Larry David) "I saw the abyss."
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "Don't worry, we'll watch something else."
  • (Perry's Friend) "I dreamt about you last night. I --"
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "Don't use that line. Because Boris said that he dreamt about me last night and I really doubt it's mathematically possible for me to be in two dreams at one time."
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "What are you talking about?"
  • (Patricia Clarkson) "Oh, face it, Melodie, Boris is not like a real husband. He's more of an out patient and your his keeper."
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "I really wish you hadn't showed up, Mom."
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "Oh wait, I always carry some Viagra with me."
  • (Henry Cavill) "That's okay, I eat a lot of red meat --"
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "I thought you didn't have an ulcer."
  • (Larry David) "No, I said they can't find an ulcer. Not that I don't have one."
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "Have you ever heard of Heisenberg's uncertainty principal?"
  • (Henry Cavill) "I have heard of it, yeah."
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "The observer influences the experiment. It-it's just like; when my mother makes love to one of the guys she's living with, a certain way, when they're alone. But, when she's in front of the other guy; she does it differently."
  • (Henry Cavill) "That, Heisenberg. I had no idea it was so sexual."

Larry David as Boris Yellnikoff

  • (Larry David) "Yes, my life is circumscribed, but I manage to avoid stress. I've achieved a delicate balance, and as long as I can maintain it, I feel less inclined to ending it."
  • (Larry David) "The human race. They've had to install automatic toilets in public restrooms, because people can't be entrusted to flush a toilet."
  • (Larry David) "That's not what I'm saying, imbecile. You guys completely misrepresent my ideas, why would I even want to talk with those idiots."
  • (Boris' Friend) "Just calm down."
  • (Boris' Friend) "That's not true, Boris."
  • (Larry David) "No, don't tell me to calm down, I am calm. Just stop."
  • (Boris' Friend) "Don't jump on us just because we don't understand what you're saying."
  • (Larry David) "I didn't jump on you. It's not the idea behind Christianity I'm faulting, or Judaism, or any religion. It's the professionals who've made it into corporate business. There's big money in the god racket, big money."
  • (Boris' Friend) "Here we go --"
  • (Larry David) "Look, you're a sweet kid. Stupid beyond all comprehension, but you'll never survive here. You got nothing going for you. Zero, zilch. Ya know, you may be beauty queen material in the deep south, but this is the big time. Here you're a three. A five maybe after you bathe."
  • (Larry David) "How old are you?"
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "I, I'm 21."
  • (Larry David) "21? Yeah, you're 21 like I play for the Yankees. 21 --"
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "You're a professional athlete, with that limp?"
  • (Larry David) "We were both students at the University of Chicago. She had a high I.Q. and a low-cut dress."
  • (Larry David) "Can you believe this cracker, this red state Neanderthal, this mindless zombie of the National Rifle Association?"
  • (Ed Begley Jr.) "My shrink says that the guns were all a manifestation of my sexual inadequacy."
  • (Larry David) "Yeah, if it wasn't for sexual inadequacy the National Rifle Association would go broke."
  • (Larry David) "Love, despite what they tell you, does not conquer all, nor does it even usually last. In the end the romantic aspirations of our youth are reduced to, whatever works."
  • (Larry David) "Believe me,"
  • (Larry David) "If I can comprehend quantum mechanics, I can certainly comprehend the processes of a sub-mental baton twirler."
  • (Larry David) "I really like the way these pants fit."
  • (Larry David) "I'm dying. I-I'm dying."
  • (Carolyn McCormick) "Should I call an ambulance?"
  • (Larry David) "No, not now. No, not tonight, I mean eventually."
  • (Larry David) "It's okay. I knew this day would come. I really did. The universe is winding down, why shouldn't we?"
  • (Larry David) "Why would you want to hear my story? Do we know each other? Do we like each other? Let me tell you right off, ok -- I'm not a like-able guy. Charm has never been a priority with me. And just so you know, this is not the feel good movie of the year. So if you're one of those idiots who needs to feel good, go get yourself a foot massage."
  • (Boy on Street) "Mommy, that man's talking to himself."
  • (Boy's Mother) "Come on, Justin."
  • (Larry David) "What the hell does it all mean anyhow? Nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nothing comes to anything. And yet, there's no shortage of idiots to babble. Not me. I have a vision. I'm discussing you. Your friends. Your coworkers. Your newspapers. The TV. Everybody's happy to talk. Full of misinformation. Morality, science, religion, politics, sports, love, your portfolio, your children, health. Christ, if I have to eat nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day to live, I don't wanna live. I hate god**** fruits and vegetables. And your omega 3's, and the treadmill, and the cardiogram, and the mammogram, and the pelvic sonogram, and oh my god the-the-the colonoscopy, and with it all the day still comes where they put you in a box, and its on to the next generation of idiots, who'll also tell you all about life and define for you what's appropriate. My father committed suicide because the morning newspapers depressed him. And could you blame him? With the horror, and corruption, and ignorance, and poverty, and genocide, and AIDS, and global warming, and terrorism, and-and the family value morons, and the gun morons. "The horror," Kurtz said at the end of Heart of Darkness, "the horror." Lucky Kurtz didn't have the Times delivered in the jungle. Ugh -- then he'd see some horror. But what do you do? You read about some massacre in Darfur or some school bus gets blown up, and you go "Oh my God, the horror," and then you turn the page and finish your eggs from the free range chickens. Because what can you do. It's overwhelming. I tried to commit suicide myself. Obviously, it didn't work out. But why do you even want to hear about all this? Christ, you got your own problems. I'm sure your all obsessed with any number of sad little hopes and dreams. Your predictably unsatisfying love lives, your failed business ventures. "Oh, if only I'd bought that stock. If only I-if only I purchased THAT house years ago. If only I'd made a move on THAT woman." If this, if that. You know what? Gimmie a break with your could have's and should have's. Like my mother used to say, "If my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a trolley car." My mother didn't have wheels. She had varicose veins. Still, the woman gave birth to a brilliant mind. I was considered for a Nobel Prize in physics -- I didn't get it. But, you know, its all politics. It's like every other phony honor. Incidentally, don't think I'm-I'm bitter because of some personal setback. By the standards of a mindless, barbaric civilization, I've been pretty lucky. I was married to a beautiful woman who had family money. For years we lived on Beekman Place. I taught at Columbia. String theory."
  • (Larry David) "Don't you know you have to sing happy birthday twice to get the germs off?"

Ed Begley Jr. as John

  • (Ed Begley Jr.) "Well, I can't go back to her."
  • (Patricia Clarkson) "Aw, why not?"
  • (Ed Begley Jr.) "She cast dispersions on my manhood."
  • (Patricia Clarkson) "Aw."
  • (Larry David) "What do we talking : size, duration, erectile dysfunction?"
  • (Ed Begley Jr.) "Who's this?"
  • (Larry David) "Who are you ?"
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "This is Boris, my husband."
  • (Ed Begley Jr.) "Boris your who?"
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "He's my husband, I'm Mrs. Boris Yellnikoff."
  • (Ed Begley Jr.) "Who are you?"
  • (Larry David) "I'm her husband. You want to pass out here, or go into the living room."
  • (Ed Begley Jr.) "I can't believe what I'm seein'. I mean, your clothes are different, your speech is a little more affected; but, deep down I know you're the same pretty, small town, God fearin', church goin', pie bakin' --"
  • (Patricia Clarkson) "I'm livin' with two guys."
  • (Ed Begley Jr.) "girl scout Mom. Your-your what?"
  • (Patricia Clarkson) "I'm an artist. I-I-I don't bake pies. I don't go to church. I-I-I do collages, sculptures, photography. I live in Manhattan with two men who I Love; in a very happy ménage à trois."
  • (Ed Begley Jr.) "A what?"
  • (Patricia Clarkson) "We all sleep together. A ménage à trois."
  • (Ed Begley Jr.) "I knew we should never trust the god**** French."
  • (Ed Begley Jr.) "Lord I've sinned, please forgive me."
  • (Larry David) "Why do all the religious psychotics wind up praying in my doorstep?"

Carolyn McCormick as Jessica

  • (Carolyn McCormick) "You are a very difficult man to live with"
  • (Larry David) "Is that why you had an affair?"
  • (Carolyn McCormick) "I didn't have an affair, it was a brief interlude of infidelity"

Patricia Clarkson as Marietta

  • (Patricia Clarkson) "Oh, sweet pea, sweet pea, this is the kind of man you should be married to. Not that communist who sings happy birthday every time he washes his hands."
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "How long are you staying, Mom?"
  • (Patricia Clarkson) "Listen, listen. I want to go someplace fun. Take me someplace fun. It's New York, let's go."
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "Boris, where can I take her that's fun?"
  • (Larry David) "How about the Holocaust museum?"
  • (Patricia Clarkson) "How'd he get that limp?"
  • (Evan Rachel Wood) "He jumped out the window and his suicide didn't work."
  • (Patricia Clarkson) "You can't win 'em all."

Conleth Hill as Leo Brockman

  • (Conleth Hill) "You know, I have to say, even with a text book right wing mentality, your mother-in-law has beautifully shaped breasts."
  • (Larry David) "You know, you-your a man of learning, of cultivation, of aesthetic sensibility, this is what you take away from all that school prayer hokum and my country right or wrong? Her bosom?"
  • (Conleth Hill) "Its not just her bosom. Her behind is also beautifully contoured."
  • (Larry David) "Well, I'm sure you'll have no problem getting her to bed. She's vulnerable. She's stupid and she's been abandoned. Personally, I lose all erotic inclination when the woman's a member of the National Rifle Association."
  • (Conleth Hill) "It's pear shaped. Degas used to distinguish between an apple shaped behind and pear shaped. And I'm a big fruit eater."

Henry Cavill as Randy

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