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Zack and Miri Make a Porno Quotes

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is a TV show that was first aired in 1970 . Zack and Miri Make a Porno ended in 1970.

It features Scott Mosier as producer, James L. Venable in charge of musical score, and Dave Klein (cinematographer) as head of cinematography.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Zack and Miri Make a Porno is 101 minutes long. Zack and Miri Make a Porno is distributed by The Weinstein Company.

The cast includes: Craig Robinson as Delaney, Seth Rogen as Zack Brown, Elizabeth Banks as Miriam Linky, Seth Rogen as Zack, Justin Long as Brandon, Brandon Routh as Bobby Long, Jason Mewes as Lester, Jeff Anderson as Deacon, Gerry Bednob as Mr. Surya, and Katie Morgan as Stacey.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno Quotes

Jason Mewes as Lester

  • (Jason Mewes) "Hey Stacey. You like dogs?"
  • (Katie Morgan) "Yeah. Especially pocket dogs."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Oh. I really liked porking you. It made my dick feel good."
  • (Katie Morgan) "Me too. Except for the dick part because I don't have one but the good part."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Cool. Well, see ya."
  • (Katie Morgan) "Bye."
  • (Jason Mewes) "I'd like a double espresso so I can stay up all night -- 'cos I'm in the mood to f***."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Way to f***, Zack."

Gerry Bednob as Mr. Surya

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Seth Rogen as Zack

  • (Seth Rogen) "I'm gonna f*** you with my pecker."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Dude -- that's really dirty."
  • (Seth Rogen) "That's too dirty?"
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "That offends me."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Penis?"
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Fine."
  • (Seth Rogen) "I'm gonna f*** you with my penis."
  • (Seth Rogen) "That's what porn is: turning the normal into abnormal, by f***ing it."
  • (Seth Rogen) "If you heard that someone we graduated with was in a f***ing porno movie, you'd watch it, right? I'd watch that guy Brandon suck a cock. I just met him."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Oh, my God, yeah."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "What? You got an idea?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "We could make a porno."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Not the idea I was lookin' for."
  • (Seth Rogen) "What? No, that is a f***in' awesome idea. Are you s***ting me? That guy, Brandon St. Randy, Bobby Long's boyfriend, he said he makes a hundred grand a year because he shoots and distributes his own porno flicks."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "If it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "Because other people have options; and dignity; which we do not have, which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Star Sex II: The Wrath of c***."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "We never made Star Sex I."
  • (Seth Rogen) "I guess we can skip Star Sex III: The Search for Cock, then."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Coc***."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "What's that?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "It's like Cocoon. With a c***."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Hello, Miriam."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Beat it, we're talking."
  • (Seth Rogen) "I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon."
  • (Justin Long) "Salutations."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Bobby's boyfriend."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Bobby who?"
  • (Brandon Routh) "Bobby me."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Brandon, uh, is the star as such adult fare as, what was that one called again?"
  • (Justin Long) ""You better shut your mouth or I'm gonna f*** it.""
  • (Seth Rogen) "That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Are you f***ing with me?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "No, they're f***ing with each other."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Oh you'll be sorry when I'm giving you the best orgasms of your life."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Yeah right. As if you even know what you're doing down there."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Where's the clitoris again? Is it in your ass?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "What brings you here?"
  • (Justin Long) "I came here with somebody who went to school here, Bobby Long."
  • (Seth Rogen) "No s***. That's who my friend's hitting on right now. See, right there, the one dressed like Hannah Montana."
  • (Justin Long) "In L.A. we call that look 'Nickelodeon Chique'."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles? That's awesome, man, what do you do out there?"
  • (Justin Long) "I'm an actor."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Wow. That's really impressive."
  • (Justin Long) "Thank you."
  • (Seth Rogen) "f***ing movies?"
  • (Justin Long) "f***ing movies. Pretty much."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Look at you. Anything I've seen? What movies?"
  • (Justin Long) "Oh, all sorts of movies with all-male casts."
  • (Seth Rogen) "All-male casts? Like "Glengarry Glen Ross"? Like that?"
  • (Justin Long) "Like "Glen and Gary suck Ross's meaty cock and drop their hairy nuts in his eager mouth.""
  • (Seth Rogen) "-- is that like a sequel?"
  • (Justin Long) "Sort of. It's a reimagining."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Oh, like "The Wiz"."
  • (Justin Long) "More erotic. And with less women. No women, to be exact."
  • (Seth Rogen) "I apologize in advance if I'm out of line here, but are you in gay porn?"
  • (Justin Long) "Guilty as charged."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Have you seen that Joe Francis guy who made Girls Gone Wild? That guy's the biggest f***ing idiot piece of s*** in the world and he has a jet and a f***ing island."
  • (Seth Rogen) "I don't mean to alarm you -- but I think I just jerked off Lester a little bit."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "The Dutch Rudder?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "Yeah. It's ingenious, really."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch Rudder you for the rest of our lives."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Good. I'm getting tired of f***in' a fleshlight."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "You f***ed it?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "Yeah."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "What'd it feel like?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "-- f***ing a flashlight."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Editor and DP, looks like you got your s*** covered."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Do not say 's*** covered' to me again."
  • (Seth Rogen) "How come you get to be all Buck Rogers, having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergen's in the batroom?"
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Holy Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to whack it."
  • (Seth Rogen) "No, you know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I listen to Sting. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to f*** it, like a filthy MacGuyver."
  • (Seth Rogen) "f***back Mountain."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Too soon?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "I've known her since the first grade, you don't f*** someone you met in the first grade."
  • (Craig Robinson) "Excuse me, I met my wife in kindergarten, we got married senior year, and she's been the queen of my world ever since."
  • (Seth Rogen) "But what if you could do it all over again?"
  • (Craig Robinson) "I would jerk off and live by myself. That woman is the bane of my existence."
  • (Seth Rogen) "You, my friend, are the lead role of Lubed Guy-Baller."
  • (Craig Robinson) "Man, he's gonna be balling dudes? I thought you said this was boys on girls."
  • (Jason Mewes) "If I have to f*** a guy, okay, but I'd rather f*** a girl."
  • (Craig Robinson) "What's wrong with you, boy?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "So, you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?"
  • (Justin Long) "Oh, like crazy."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Dude, with your cut of the profits, you're gonna get two flat screens. OK? You'll have one in your living room. You'll have one in your bathroom."
  • (Craig Robinson) "One in the bathroom? You know, it's always been my dream to watch s*** while I s***."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Everyone with an ass loves to watch s*** while they s***. I'm gonna make that happen for you, man."
  • (Seth Rogen) "You don't wanna f*** a stranger in a porn movie for some strange reason. I guess we could f***."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Ew"
  • (Seth Rogen) "f*** you."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "No I mean you're an okay enough looking guy and everything."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Holy f*** thank you. You're an alright looking gal how does that feel?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "Wow, D.P. and editor. You have your s*** covered."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Please don't ever say "s*** covered" to me again."
  • (Seth Rogen) "This is just the beginning, guys. If Star Whores works and it will, we are set up for sequels galore. The Empire Strikes Ass."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Return of the Brown Eye."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "The Phantom Man Ass."
  • (Craig Robinson) "And Revenge of the s***: The All Anal Final Chapter."
  • (Seth Rogen) "-- okay."
  • (Craig Robinson) "Revenge of the s***, you got it?"
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "No, yeah we got it."
  • (Katie Morgan) "Ew."
  • (Craig Robinson) "f*** you, mothaf***as."
  • (Seth Rogen) "We are gonna launch arcing ropes of jism all over this motherf***er. Peace."
  • (Seth Rogen) "What's your name?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "Lester. Lester the Molester Cockenschtuff."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Wow. That's a great porn name."
  • (Jason Mewes) "I get to pick a porn name? Then I want to be called Pete Jones."
  • (Seth Rogen) "I'm a guy. You give me a two popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to f*** it like a filthy MacGyver."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Hey, how'd it look?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "How do you think it looked? It looked like s*** going into other s***; in focus."
  • (Seth Rogen) "What an artist. That was Kurosawa's motto I think, "s*** going into other s***"."

Jeff Anderson as Deacon

  • (Jeff Anderson) "I'm gonna hatef*** the s*** out of you, ref."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Dude."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "It's cool. He's my cousin."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Can you believe THIS s***? That chick frosted me like I was a f***ing cake."

Elizabeth Banks as Miriam Linky

  • (Elizabeth Banks) "What happened to the water?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "I guess they musta shut it off --"
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Help me get this s*** outta my hair. Just use the water outta the toilet."
  • (Seth Rogen) "There's poo in there --"
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "The back part of the toilet."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Nobody wants to see us f***, Zack."
  • (Seth Rogen) "EVERYBODY wants to see ANYBODY f***. I hate Rosie O'Donell, but if somebody said "I got a tape of Rosie O'Donell getting f***ed stupid" I'd be like "Why the f*** aren't we watching that right now?""
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "You're gay?"
  • (Brandon Routh) "Yeah."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "And I'm on the internet wearing -- a diaper?"
  • (Justin Long) "Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity? Ha ha."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "I'm gonna binge-drink now until I pass out."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?"
  • (Justin Long) "Oh, like crazy."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "So -- I guess we should do this."
  • (Seth Rogen) "I think we should probably wait, uh, just until I lose another 20-30 pounds."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Stop it. You look good."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Thanks."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "So -- what about me? How do I look?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "I mean, you look beautiful; you always look -- so beautiful, so I guess it's not a big deal. But you -- you look amazing."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Okay. Let's go make a porno."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Your face. I don't think I've seen your face since senior year."
  • (Seth Rogen) "I think I made a mistake. I did it for you, you know, so you wouldn't get road rash during our scene -- but I shoulda asked first. I look like a f***in' Balooga Whale."

Brandon Routh as Bobby Long

  • (Brandon Routh) "This is exactly why you haven't met my mother. Because you don't know how to ease people in to this situation, you just force your way in every time."
  • (Justin Long) "Baby, I thought maybe for one second in this God-forsaken town I could be myself. I'm so sorry, you're right, I should just butch up and pretend that I don't love it when you shove your dick in my mouth."
  • (Seth Rogen) "This is the best night of my life."
  • (Justin Long) "Am I making a spectacle? Because I could make a much bigger scene. I'm sorry, Pittsburg, listen up Monroevers, my name is Brandon St. Randy, and I love Bobby Long."
  • (Seth Rogen) "f***ing A."
  • (Justin Long) "Is that enough for you? Is that enough of a scene? Cause I could start doing a lot worse then that. And the reason that you haven't taken me home to your mother is that your mother, with her makeup and all her drinking, she's in the closet too."
  • (Seth Rogen) "They fight just like real people --"

Craig Robinson as Delaney

  • (Craig Robinson) "Can you believe this s***?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Can you believe THIS s***? That chick frosted me like I was a f***ing cake."
  • (Customer) "Hi, can I have a coffee? Black?"
  • (Craig Robinson) "Can't you see we talking, White?"
  • (Craig Robinson) "I love the movies."
  • (Craig Robinson) "What? Han Solo ain't never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War."
  • (Craig Robinson) "Sometimes, we just need someone to show us something we can't see for ourselves."
  • (Craig Robinson) "Her name Bubbles."
  • (Craig Robinson) "You Ben Kingsley looking motherf***er"

Justin Long as Brandon

  • (Justin Long) "Oh my god -- no."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "What?"
  • (Justin Long) "Granny Panties?"
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "Excuse me?"
  • (Justin Long) "This is so crazy. I was literally just watching you like right before we got here. This is you, right?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "Where'd you get that?"
  • (Justin Long) "Oh, I entered 'gay' and 'ass' and it was the top hit. It's had 200 thousand views in three hours. Honey, you are, like, I'm actually jealous right now cause you're like super famous."
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "You're gay?"
  • (Brandon Routh) "Yeah --"
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "And I'm the internet wearing -- a diaper?"
  • (Justin Long) "Who knew you'd come to Pittsburg and meet a celebrity?"
  • (Elizabeth Banks) "I'm gonna binge drink now until I pass out now."
  • (Justin Long) "I will be your Sherpa up the mountain of gayness."
  • (Justin Long) "I thought you recognized me from my work, but you're not my demographic so I'm not offended."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Well, who's your demographic?"
  • (Justin Long) "Do you like p*****?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "Yeah."
  • (Justin Long) "Then not you."
  • (Justin Long) "I can't keep my hands off him, I'm so sorry."
  • (Brandon Routh) "You've had one too many cosmos."
  • (Justin Long) "You know although he does most of the eating in the sack if you know what I mean. In the sack and of the sack."
  • (Justin Long) "The reason -- the reason you haven't taken me home to your mother is -- your mother with her makeup and her drinking, she's -- she's in the closet too."
  • (Seth Rogen) "They fight just like real people."

Katie Morgan as Stacey

  • (Drunk Customer) "Oh. Hey."
  • (Katie Morgan) "Hey."

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