The Benchwarmers Quotes

The Benchwarmers is a TV program that appeared on TV in 1970 . The Benchwarmers ended in 1970.

It features Adam Sandler as producer, Waddy Wachtel in charge of musical score, and Thomas E. Ackerman as head of cinematography.

The Benchwarmers is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The Benchwarmers is 85 minutes long. The Benchwarmers is distributed by Columbia Pictures.

The cast includes: David Spade as Richie, Nick Swardson as Howie, Rob Schneider as Gus, Jon Heder as Clark, Jon Lovitz as Mel, Sean Salisbury as Brad, Nick Swardson as Old Man, Matt Weinberg as Kyle, Amaury Nolasco as Carlos, Danny McCarthy as Troy, Tim Meadows as Wayne, Craig Kilborn as Jerry, Blake Clark as Umpire, Joe Gnoffo as Marcus Ellwood, Max Prado as Nelson, Bill Romanowski as Karl, and Molly Sims as Liz.

The Benchwarmers Quotes

David Spade as Richie

• (David Spade) "Wow and he did it without steroids."
• (Jon Heder) "What's steroids?"
• (David Spade) "Something that makes your pee-pee smaller."
• (Jon Heder) "There must be steroids in macaroni."

• (David Spade) "Well, I am management, so I'm gonna waive the late fee."
• (Salad Girl) "Oh, they're not late, but thank you."

• (David Spade) "He just did that steroid free."
• (Jon Heder) "What's steroids?"
• (David Spade) "Something that makes your 'pee-pee' smaller."
• (Jon Heder) "Ohh -- there must be steroids in macaroni."

• (David Spade) "Clark, we don't play baseball."
• (Jon Heder) "I told Gus that we would be there, and if we don't show up, that makes me a liar -- and that's not what I'm about -- Not now, NOT EVER."
• (David Spade) "Okay, Okay Daytime Emmy"

• (David Spade) "Wow,I always wondered who lived here, I just thought it was Clay Aiken or something."

• (David Spade) "I ticked it, it hit the bat."
• (Charlie Catcher) "You're ssstill out."
• (David Spade) "You're ssstill fat."

• (David Spade) "Yeah, I bet you're a real good catcher -- of donuts in your mouth."

• (David Spade) "I guess I'm no longer a virgin -- to home runs, BYOTCH."

• (David Spade) "Clark. You kissed a girl before I did?"
• (Jon Heder) "This is way better than macaroni."

• (David Spade) "I love -- salad."

Rob Schneider as Gus

• (Rob Schneider) "Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?"
• (Jon Lovitz) "Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies."
• (Max Prado) "I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily."
• (Jon Heder) "When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me."
• (Max Prado) "His son just did that to me last week."

• (Rob Schneider) "Clark. Try to hit the ball in the strike zone."
• (Jon Heder) "Well where's the strike zone?"
• (Blake Clark) "Strike two."
• (Rob Schneider) "Right there."

• (Rob Schneider) "Man. I haven't even been on a baseball field in over 10 years."
• (Jon Heder) "I've never been on a baseball field, if I did, the kids in my neighborhood would spit loogies on my forehead."
• (Rob Schneider) "Thats horrible, baseball's America's past time -- thats like saying you've never had apple pie."
• (Rob Schneider) "You've never had apple pie?"
• (Jon Heder) "My mom said it would give me diarrhea."
• (Rob Schneider) "That's ridiculous, Clark. You have to try it at least once."
• (Jon Heder) "Diarrhea?"
• (Rob Schneider) "No. Baseball."

• (Rob Schneider) "I think this is a sign that you should get a car."
• (Jon Heder) "My mom said I should hold off on getting my license for another year."
• (Jon Heder) "She wants to make sure my reflexes are fully developed."

• (Rob Schneider) "Hey, what's going on here? How come he's playing?"
• (Tim Meadows) "Oh, ah, I couldn't play him before because he was feeling ill."
• (Amaury Nolasco) "Me tummy, es sicko."
• (Blake Clark) "Well you got proof he's a kid?"
• (Rob Schneider) "Come on. Look at his beard. He's 50."
• (Tim Meadows) "Not according to birth certifico."
• (Blake Clark) "He's got documentation. Play ball."

• (Rob Schneider) "We've got statistics. I got 30 homeruns."
• (David Spade) "I got 11 foul ticks."
• (Jon Heder) "I got 20 eyes-closed strike outs, 5 broken windshields, and 6 dead birds. I'm freakin' awesome."

• (Rob Schneider) "Clark, could you not pick your nose in front of me?"
• (Jon Heder) "I'm not picking, I'm scratching."
• (Rob Schneider) "Scratching what? Your brain?"
• (Jon Heder) "Yeah, 'cause it's huge."

• (Rob Schneider) "Nice meeting you, Fairy Jerry."
• (Craig Kilborn) "What was that?"
• (Rob Schneider) "Well, you gave Clark and Richie nicknames. I thought I'd give you one: Fairy Jerry."
• (Craig Kilborn) "Oh, really?"
• (Rob Schneider) "Really."
• (Craig Kilborn) "Okay, Gus- Gus -- Gus Bus. That's you, Gus Bus."
• (Rob Schneider) "Oh, that was a brutal comeback. Come on guys, let's go. I don't think I can ever get over that one. Whew."

• (Rob Schneider) "Move over honey, I gotta take a leak."
• (Molly Sims) "Oh my God. You're not kidding."

• (Rob Schneider) "My wife is the only one who gets to twist these man titties."

Jon Lovitz as Mel

• (Jon Lovitz) "Keep it under a billion, that's all I got -- on me hahaha."

• (Jon Lovitz) "If you build it, nerds will come."

• (Jon Lovitz) "Richie, do you have any kids?"
• (David Spade) "Never had a date."
• (Jon Lovitz) "Clark?"
• (Jon Heder) "Never spoke to a girl."
• (Jon Lovitz) "Gu-Gus?"
• (Rob Schneider) "Ugh, My wife and I are kinda working on it."

• (Jon Lovitz) "This was a total waste of time, wasn't it?"
• (Rob Schneider) "Yeah."

Amaury Nolasco as Carlos

• (Amaury Nolasco) "Maria? Why did you leave me?"
• (Jon Lovitz) "Letting that 12 year old drink like that is disgusting."

• (Amaury Nolasco) "No really, I need another refill."
• (Tim Meadows) "You need to go to an AA meeting."

• (Amaury Nolasco) "Sorry. It was accident."

Sean Salisbury as Brad

• (Sean Salisbury) "You guys think you're athletes now?"
• (David Spade) "Haha that's funny I didn't know ath-e-letes had three syllables -- thats ama-za-zaing."

• (Sean Salisbury) "Hey, what the -- Clark? Richie? I hardly recognised you clowns without the underwear on your heads."
• (David Spade) "Brad. Wow, you have really not slimmed down."

• (Sean Salisbury) "So I heard from Jerry you tools think you're athletes now?"
• (David Spade) "That's funny, I didn't know athlete had three syllables, A-tha-lete? That's ama-za-zing."
• (Sean Salisbury) "You think you're hot s*** 'cos you know words."
• (Jon Heder) "Hey Brad, why don't you be a stud and point us towards the register, or -- Register -- er -- --."

Matt Weinberg as Kyle

• (Matt Weinberg) "Time to meet your makers."
• (Jon Heder) "Makers of what? POOP?"

• (Matt Weinberg) "Leave our field or you will suffer the consequences."
• (David Spade) "What is this, "children of the corn"?"

• (Matt Weinberg) "I'm gonna call the cops."
• (Jon Heder) "We are cops --. We're navy seals."
• (Matt Weinberg) "Navy seals aren't cops."
• (Danny McCarthy) "Aren't you our paperboy?"
• (Jon Heder) "-- I'm undercover"

Jon Heder as Clark

• (Jon Heder) "Oh. I love beef stew."

• (Jon Heder) "Hold on I got a text from my mom -- NO WAY we're having maccroni tonight that means garlic bread. Yes."

• (Jon Heder) "Duuuuhhhr."
• (David Spade) "You just lost your membership at video world."
• (Jon Heder) "Dang it."

• (Jon Heder) "This car is so radical. Looks just like K.I.T.T. from the show Knight Rider."
• (Jon Lovitz) "It is K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. Watch this."
• (K.I.T.T.) "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I.T.T."
• (David Spade) "Who are you?"
• (Jon Lovitz) "Oh, I'm just one of those nerds who grew up -- to make billions."

Nick Swardson as Howie

• (Nick Swardson) "What's going all the way?"
• (Nick Swardson) "Oh."
• (Nick Swardson) "Aaaaaah."

• (Nick Swardson) "For years I thought the sun was a monster. But I am here to tell you that it's not a monster. IT'S NOT A MONSTER."

• (Nick Swardson) "I smell cinnamon rolls."

• (Nick Swardson) "Richie told me about the serial killers thats loose in in our neighborhood killing anyone named Howie. THAT'S MY NAME. That's my name."

• (Nick Swardson) "Richie?"
• (David Spade) "Okay, buddy."
• (Jon Heder) "Is that apple juice?"
• (David Spade) "Nooo."

• (Nick Swardson) "Carlos?"
• (Amaury Nolasco) "Who say my name?"
• (Nick Swardson) "I brought you a present from the Benchwarmers. You're really good at baseball."
• (Amaury Nolasco) "Thank you Albino."
• (Amaury Nolasco) "Now get lost."

Tim Meadows as Wayne

• (Tim Meadows) "Carlos your drunk."
• (Amaury Nolasco) "Blaaaaaa."

• (Tim Meadows) "Is that beer?"
• (Amaury Nolasco) "No it's Gatorade homie, get out of my way."

Joe Gnoffo as Marcus Ellwood

• (Joe Gnoffo) "Do you still think I look like Yoda?"
• (Rob Schneider) "No."
• (Joe Gnoffo) "But Yoda's my favorite. You're a bad, bad man."

Bill Romanowski as Karl

• (Poker Guy #1) "That guy damaged more kids than anybody I knew. He made my life hell growing up."
• (Bill Romanowski) "You're twice his size, you could crush that little puke."
• (Poker Guy #1) "He didn't do the physical warfare. He played the psychological card by attacking your weaknesses. I started losing my hair when I was nine years old. And he jumped all over it with the mean nicknames. Eight ball. Bowling ball. Kojak. Mr. Clean. Cream of Wheat guy. Scatman Crothers. The black Uncle Fester."
• (Poker Guy #2 A.K.A. O'Malley) "How about the black, bodybuilding Charlie Brown?"
• (Poker Guy #1) "He used that too."

Danny McCarthy as Troy

• (Danny McCarthy) "Listen, we have a game tomorrow, and there's only one field to practice on; so, beat it."

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