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Helen, the Authoress Quotes

Helen, the Authoress is a television show that was first aired in 1970 . Helen, the Authoress ended in 1970.

The cast includes: Andy Griffith as Andy Taylor, Andy Griffith as Sheriff Andy Taylor, George Lindsey as Gomer Pyle, George Lindsey as Goober Pyle, Howard McNear as Floyd Lawson, Ron Howard as Opie Taylor, and Aneta Corsaut as Helen.

Helen, the Authoress Quotes

Andy Griffith as Andy Taylor

  • (Barney Fife) "I'm surprised at you, Andy. They want people who have had musical training. Why, suppose they ask Rafe to do something he don't know? Rafe, if they asked you to sing a cappella, could you do it?"
  • (Rafe Hollister) "No."
  • (Andy Griffith) "Hey, Barn, what if they was to ask you if you could sing a cappella, what would you do?"
  • (Barney Fife) "Why, I'd do it."
  • (Barney Fife) ""A cappella, a cappella" -- Well, I don't remember all the words."
  • (Andy Griffith) ""Maybe you goin' to have a weddin', and maybe you goin' to have a preacher; but you might not have a bride. You ever think of that?" Mr. Darling, you don't think he'd try to kidnap Charlene before the wedding?"
  • (Briscoe Darling) "He might. He's just crazy enough to do it."
  • (Dud Wash) "Well, you just let him try. I'll show him some things I learned in the army in jungle warfare. First, you grab the mouth and pull like this."
  • (Dud Wash) "Then you grade his nose and twist it like this."
  • (Briscoe Darling) "Stop that, boy. You want your face to freeze thatta' way?"
  • (Andy Griffith) "Sarah? What? Just soak it. That's right; just soak it a lot in warm water. Listen, Sarah; get me Thelma Lou. I know she's Barney's girl; just get her on the phone. What? 'Cause I don't want to. No, Sarah, I wouldn't rather talk to Juanita at the diner; just get Thelma Lou."
  • (Andy Griffith) "And he said, "The British is comin, the British is comin. Git your guns, we gonna have us a revolution.""
  • (Barney Fife) "What was that."
  • (Andy Griffith) "I think Ernest T. Bass is paying us another visit."
  • (Briscoe Darling) "Ernest T. Bass. You're a low down skunk."
  • (Briscoe Darling) "Doggone ya."
  • (Andy Griffith) "Listen here, Ernest T. Bass. This is Sheriff Taylor. Go on home and leave these people alone. You're keepin' 'em awake."
  • (Ernest T. Bass) "Tell 'em to go back to bed. Charlene's the one I want to talk to."
  • (Barney Fife) "Listen here, Ernest T. Bass. This is Deputy Fife. I'm armed and if you don't go home, I might just take a shot at you"
  • (Barney Fife) "Stop that."
  • (Briscoe Darling) "Sheriff, tell your deputy to be quiet before he gets us all stoned to death."
  • (Andy Griffith) "Goob, did anybody ever tell you you've got a big mouth?"
  • (George Lindsey) "Yeah, but I don't pay no attention to 'em."
  • (Andy Griffith) "Hold still, Mr. Darling, while I put on your tie."
  • (Briscoe Darling) "Ever since I saw a hangin', I been nervous about wearin' one of these things."
  • (Barney Fife) "Ain't he got chicken spelled wrong?"
  • (Andy Griffith) "No, it's right."
  • (Barney Fife) "You sure?"
  • (Andy Griffith) "Yeah, it's "i before e except after c and e before n in chicken"."
  • (Barney Fife) "Oh yeah, I always forget that rule."
  • (Barney Fife) "Andy, I've this one dead to rights. Otis was drunk. I even gave him a test. I drew a line on the sidewalk and told him to walk it. You know what he said?"
  • (Andy Griffith) "What?"
  • (Barney Fife) "He asked me what line. I've got this one right, Andy. Otis was drunk."
  • (Andy Griffith) "That right, Otis? Did you ask Deputy Fife what line?"
  • (Otis Campbell) "Yeah; but I didn't have my specs on and drunk or sober, I can't see much without my specs."
  • (Andy Griffith) "Otis, three hours ago when Deputy Fife arrested you were you drunk?"
  • (Otis Campbell) "I don't know; I wasn't wearin' my glasses."
  • (Andy Griffith) "Opie. Time to come in, son."
  • (Ron Howard) "Aw Pa, just a little while longer -- please?"
  • (Andy Griffith) "Well, OK."
  • (Andy Griffith) "Daylight's precious when your a youngen'."
  • (Andy Griffith) "You date one woman all the time and pretty soon people start taking you for granted. They don't say, "Let's invite Andy," or "Let's invite Elly." No, they say. "Let's invite Andy and Elly." See, then it's "Andy and Elly"; "Elly and Andy". A then, that's when that woman gets her claws into you."
  • (Andy Griffith) "Floyd."
  • (Howard McNear) "What's the matter?"
  • (Andy Griffith) "My sideburns."
  • (Howard McNear) "Your sideburns; what's the matter with your sideburns?"
  • (Andy Griffith) "Why, they're both even."
  • (Howard McNear) "Well, I'll be dogged. How'd that happen?"
  • (Andy Griffith) "I declare, Floyd, I believe you're getting the hang of it. And looka there; they're the right length and everything."
  • (Andy Griffith) "You blew it. You stood right there and blew it."
  • (Barney Fife) "I'll say it right to your face, Otis, you've got a pickled liver."
  • (Otis Campbell) "Well, it's better than having a pickled puss."
  • (Barney Fife) "Oh, yeah?"
  • (Otis Campbell) "Yeah."
  • (Andy Griffith) "Boys, stop it."
  • (Otis Campbell) "Well, he started it."
  • (Barney Fife) "I did not start it, he started it."
  • (Andy Griffith) "Well, I caught him earlier on a 10-17."
  • (Barney Fife) "Hat in a horse trough?"
  • (Andy Griffith) "Yeah."
  • (Barney Fife) "It's a wise man who knows not to push the limits of the law."
  • (Briscoe Darling) "He arguin' with me?"
  • (Andy Griffith) "No; he's agreein' with you."
  • (Briscoe Darling) "Just so I know where I stand."
  • (Andy Griffith) "What are you doing?"
  • (Barney Fife) "Gun-drawing practice, ten minutes every day. If I ever have to use this baby, I want to teach it to come to papa in a hurry."
  • (Barney Fife) "Adios, amigo."
  • (Briscoe Darling) "He one of ours?"
  • (Andy Griffith) "Oh, sure."
  • (Briscoe Darling) "More power to ya."
  • (Briscoe Darling) "Dud, did you tell Ernest T. Bass the Sheriff wanted to see him?"
  • (Dud Wash) "I couldn't find him, Mr. Darlin'. His cousin said he went into the woods to kill a mockingbird."
  • (Andy Griffith) "He doesn't sound like a very nice person."
  • (Briscoe Darling) "One of the worst we got."
  • (Andy Griffith) "If you don't want magazine subscriptions or your septic tank pumped out, there's a sign you can get that says no peddlers or agents."
  • (Andy Griffith) "Well, sure that applies to septic tank pumpers -- sure. Now take down those disease signs, Nelvin."
  • (Andy Griffith) "All right, what's goin' on here?"
  • (Barney Fife) "Aw this boob here --"
  • (George Lindsey) "Boob? Why that's an insult in the face of the public."
  • (Andy Griffith) "Well, it sure looks like she took the adult dose."

Howard McNear as Floyd Lawson

  • (Howard McNear) "Wretch, wretch. Deceitful wretch."
  • (Howard McNear) "If I keep this up I'll probably end up with a barber's claw from holding the shears all day."

George Lindsey as Goober Pyle

  • (George Lindsey) "I love picnics. Speaking of picnics, you remember that movie 'Picnic'? Cary Grant sure was good it that movie."
  • (Andy Griffith) "Goober, Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'."
  • (George Lindsey) "He wasn't? Well, speakin' of Cary Grant, I do him."
  • (Aneta Corsaut) "What?"
  • (George Lindsey) "I take off on Cary Grant. Want to hear me do Cary Grant?"
  • (Andy Griffith) "Uh, Goober --"
  • (George Lindsey) "Be glad to. Judy. Judy. Judy."
  • (Andy Griffith) "That's real good, Goober; but Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'."
  • (Aneta Corsaut) "That was William Holden."
  • (George Lindsey) "William Holden? Heck, I can't do William Holden; he sounds like everybody else."
  • (George Lindsey) "I can't do William Holden, but I can do Cary Grant. Judy. Judy. Judy."
  • (George Lindsey) "Floyd made the diagnosis."
  • (Andy Griffith) "Floyd, what do you know about whiplash?"
  • (Howard McNear) "What do you mean? A barber does a lot of work around the back of the neck."

Ron Howard as Opie Taylor

  • (Ron Howard) "Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?"

Aneta Corsaut as Helen

  • (Aneta Corsaut) "Just who do you think you are, anyway, Mayberry's answer to Cary Grant?"

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