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Oh, God! (film) Quotes

Oh, God! (film) is a television show that appeared on TV in 1970 . Oh, God! ended in 1970.

It features Jerry Weintraub as producer, Jack Elliott (composer) in charge of musical score, and Victor J. Kemper as head of cinematography.

Oh, God! (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Oh, God! (film) is 98 minutes long. Oh, God! (film) is distributed by Warner Bros. Pictures.

The cast includes: George Burns as God, Wonderful Smith as Court Clerk, Barnard Hughes as Judge Baker, John Denver as Jerry Landers, Teri Garr as Bobbie Landers, William Daniels as George Summers, George Furth as Briggs, Moosie Drier as Adam Landers, Rachel Longaker as Becky Landers, Paul Sorvino as Reverend Willie Williams, and Ralph Bellamy as Sam Raven.

Oh, God! (film) Quotes

John Denver as Jerry Landers

  • (John Denver) "Everybody thinks I'm a nut."
  • (George Burns) "Galileo. Pasteur. Einstein. Columbus. You're in good company. Hold on."
  • (John Denver) "You know, I'm, I'm liable to lose my job."
  • (George Burns) "Lose a job, save a world. Not a bad deal."
  • (John Denver) "But when you said -- when you said everything would work out, uh, I thought you could tell the future."
  • (George Burns) "Absolutely, I could tell the future, the minute it becomes the past. I said, everything could work out, if that's everybody's choice. People have to decide on their own what's to be done with the world. I can't make a personal decision for everybody."
  • (George Burns) "Why the face? So far, so good. We hit the papers, a little TV, we're in business."
  • (John Denver) "You know, I'm liable to lose my job."
  • (George Burns) "Lose a job, save a world. Not a bad deal."
  • (John Denver) "There's no plan? No scheme; to guide our destinies? A lot of it is luck."
  • (George Burns) "A lot of it is luck."
  • (John Denver) "Luck. Just luck?"
  • (John Denver) "I don't even go to any church."
  • (George Burns) "Neither do I."
  • (John Denver) "Is it going to get any worse?"
  • (George Burns) "How should you know?"
  • (John Denver) "What do you mean, how should you know?"
  • (George Burns) "How could I know?"
  • (John Denver) "Why, you know everything."
  • (George Burns) "I only know what is. Also, I'm very big on what was. Now, what isn't yet? I haven't got a clue."
  • (John Denver) "Now, see, you know a lot of things and you've been making a lot of things happen, but none of it seems --"
  • (George Burns) "God-like?"
  • (John Denver) "Yeah, God-like."
  • (George Burns) "And what to you would be God-like?"
  • (John Denver) "Uh -- Change the weather."
  • (George Burns) "Ah, special effects, huh? What would you like? A little earthquake? A small hurricane?"
  • (John Denver) "No, no. I wouldn't want anybody hurt. I was just thinking maybe, uh -- What about a little rain?"
  • (George Burns) "A little rain?"
  • (John Denver) "Yeah, a small shower."
  • (George Burns) "One small shower. You got it."
  • (John Denver) "Hey. Hey, it's rainin'. You made it rain. You didn't even bat an eye. You didn't have to lift a finger."
  • (George Burns) "Rain's not that hard."
  • (John Denver) "It's unbelievable."
  • (George Burns) "Would you like it to rain a little harder?"
  • (John Denver) "No, no. This is fine."
  • (George Burns) "How about bigger drops?"
  • (John Denver) "No. This is fine. Fine."
  • (George Burns) "Would you care for a little snow?"
  • (John Denver) "I don't believe it. Hey. Hey. It's not raining outside. It's just in here."
  • (George Burns) "Why should I spoil everybody's day?"
  • (John Denver) "This is fantastic."
  • (George Burns) "Thank you."
  • (John Denver) "It's just like Noah's Ark."
  • (George Burns) "Same thing. Without the smell."
  • (John Denver) "You don't care."
  • (George Burns) "I do care."
  • (John Denver) "But, then, do something about it."
  • (George Burns) "I did. I got you to carry the ball."
  • (John Denver) "I got no ball."
  • (John Denver) "Why me?"
  • (George Burns) "Why not you?"
  • (John Denver) "You mean there's no special --"
  • (George Burns) "Life is a crap shoot, like the millionth customer that crosses the bridge gets to shake hands with the governor. You thought I picked you because you're better than everyone?"
  • (John Denver) "I'm not?"
  • (George Burns) "You're better than some but not as good as others, but you crossed the bridge at the right time."
  • (Dinah Shore) "Why do you suppose he picked you, Jerry?"
  • (John Denver) "God only knows."
  • (John Denver) "You're here? In my bathroom?"
  • (George Burns) "Come take a look."
  • (John Denver) "I can't. I'm naked."
  • (George Burns) "You think I don't know what you got?"
  • (John Denver) "How can you permit all the suffering that goes on the world?"
  • (George Burns) "Ah, how can I permit the suffering?"
  • (John Denver) "Yeah."
  • (George Burns) "I don't permit the suffering. You do. Free will. All the choices are yours."
  • (John Denver) "Choices? What choices?"
  • (George Burns) "You can love each other, cherish and nurture each other or you can kill each other. Incidentally, "kill" is the word. It's not "waste." If I meant "waste" I would have written "thou shalt not waste." You're doing some very funny things with words, here. You're also turning the sky into mud. I look down, I can't believe the filth. Using the rivers for toilets, poisoning my fishes. You want a miracle? You make a fish from scratch. You can't. You think only God can make a tree? Try coming up with a mackerel. And when the last one is gone, that'll be that. Eighty-six on the fishes, goodbye sky, so long world, over and out."
  • (Dinah Shore) "You're not nervous, are you?"
  • (John Denver) "No."
  • (Dinah Shore) "Well, I don't mind tellin' you, I am. You have some; pretty powerful friends."
  • (John Denver) "You don't control our lives?"
  • (George Burns) "I gave you a world and everything in it. Its all up to you."

George Burns as God

  • (George Burns) "Why is it so hard for you to believe? Is my physical existence any more improbable than your own? What about all that hoo-ha with the devil awhile ago from that movie? Nobody had any problem believing that the devil took over and existed in a little girl. All she had to do was wet the rug, throw up some pea soup and everybody believed. The devil you could believe, but not God? I work in my own way. I don't, I don't get inside little children; they got enough to do just being themselves. Also I'm not about to go around to every person in the world and say, 'Look it's me, I wanna talk to you.' So I picked one man. One very good man. I told him God lives. I live. He had trouble believing too, in the beginning. I understood. I'm not sure how this whole miracle business started, the idea that anything connected with me has to be a miracle. Personally I'm sorry that it did. Makes the distance between us even greater. But if a miracle helps you believe that I am who I say I am -- I'll give you one. A good one. Let me see? What's my most impressive miracle? Ah-ha. Pick a card."
  • (Barnard Hughes) "What?"
  • (George Burns) "Pick a card, any card."
  • (George Burns) "The last miracle I did was the 1969 Mets. Before that, I think you have to go back to the Red Sea."
  • (George Burns) "Last question --"
  • (John Denver) "Thank God."
  • (George Burns) "You're welcome."
  • (George Burns) "I want to say to everyone that everything around them, that they can see and smell and feel and hear, they should delight in all this. That, what is here, is some of my very best ideas. And I want everyone to try very hard to make sure it doesn't all go down the drain."
  • (George Burns) "Tobacco was one of my big mistakes. Ostriches were a mistake. Silly looking things. Avocados -- Made the pit too big."
  • (George Burns) "Eleven dollars for a steak? Who would have thought? With me, cows were and afterthought; just to give new mothers a little rest, you know."
  • (George Burns) "Man and women, persons, their existence means exactly and precisely, not more, not one tiny bit less, just what they think it means and what I think, doesn't count at all."
  • (John Denver) "That's very profound."
  • (George Burns) "Sometimes I get lucky."
  • (George Burns) ""Did Man fall from grace in the Garden of Eden?" I'll tell you something never came out. I made Adam 17. Eve was 15, 16 tops. I figured then 16, 17 was middle age, you know. Who knew people would live so long? Trees I figured had the best chance. Now I realize that they were kids, babies. Young people can't fall from my grace. They're my best things."
  • (George Burns) "I know how hard it is in these times to have faith. But maybe if you could have the faith to start with, maybe the times would change. You could change them. Think about it. Try. And try not to hurt each other. There's been enough of that. It really gets in the way. I'm a God of very few words and Jerry's already given you mine. However hopeless, helpless, mixed up and scary it all gets, it can work. If you find it hard to believe in me, maybe it would help you to know that I believe in you."
  • (George Burns) "The reason I put everyone here naked -- I wasn't trying to be cute. It's just that with clothes there's right away pockets, and pockets, you gotta put something in 'em."
  • (George Burns) "You take these answers and give them to Reverend Big Mouth and you say that God says he's a phony. And also tell him, if he wants to get rich, fine, tell him to sell earth shoes. But, personally, tell him, I'd like him to shut up."
  • (George Burns) "That was another little goof of mine. Shame. I don't know why I thought we needed shame."
  • (George Burns) "What was that last question?"
  • (John Denver) "Ah? "Will there; ""
  • (George Burns) ""Will there be a Judgement Day for Man?" Well, if they mean a doomsday, an end of the world thing, I'm certainly not going to get into that. But, if you want my personal opinion, I wouldn't look forward to it. They'll be a lot of yelling and screaming and I don't need that anymore than you do."
  • (George Burns) "Well, I better be going."
  • (John Denver) "Aren't you coming back?"
  • (George Burns) "No."
  • (John Denver) "Ever?"
  • (George Burns) "Whatever comes. We'll see."
  • (George Burns) "Not what you expected, huh? I picked a look that you could understand. With someone else, I would look different. I could do any face, voice, whatever. I could, I could even be a woman."
  • (George Burns) "You know, Voltaire may have had me pegged right. He said I was a comedian playing to an audience who was afraid to laugh."
  • (George Burns) "Jerry."
  • (John Denver) "Yes, God?"
  • (George Burns) "You have the strength that comes from knowing."
  • (George Burns) "Jerry? Do you want me to talk louder?"
  • (John Denver) "Oh, God."
  • (George Burns) "I thought you didn't believe in me?"
  • (John Denver) "That's just an expression."
  • (George Burns) "I'm more than that."
  • (George Burns) "I'm tired of all the talk that I may be dead or that I never was at all. Or, that God was just particles of cosmos, gas. I'm not gas. I found that very insulting."

Teri Garr as Bobbie Landers

  • (Teri Garr) "Alright, let's say for a minute that you saw God."
  • (John Denver) "Look, don't humor me. Or that'll really make me crazy."
  • (Teri Garr) "Okay. Okay, you saw him. But, why is he talking to you?"
  • (John Denver) "Well, why not me?"
  • (Teri Garr) "Well, why not the Pope or Billy Graham or somebody way up there?"
  • (John Denver) "Because he doesn't care about religion."
  • (Teri Garr) "God doesn't care about religion, right?"
  • (John Denver) "Well, that's what he said."
  • (Teri Garr) "Well, he sure picked a funny business to go into, didn't he."
  • (Teri Garr) "Telegrams. Notes in the mailbox. In the doorway. Did; they even put one in the dog's mouth."
  • (Teri Garr) "Jerry, I don't want the kids on TV."
  • (John Denver) "Can't be any worse than watching it."
  • (Teri Garr) "I went to empty the garbage and two people blessed me. And then one of them blessed the garbage."
  • (Teri Garr) "Jerry, what are you going to do about Mr. Summers?"
  • (John Denver) "What can I do? What do you want me to do?"
  • (Teri Garr) "I want you to say no more about it, like he said not to."
  • (John Denver) "Bobbie, Mr. Summers represents Food World. God is with "World" World. It's a slightly bigger obligation."
  • (Teri Garr) "Bigger than your job?"
  • (John Denver) "I have no choice. That's the problem."
  • (Teri Garr) "The problem is, you do. How far do you intend to take this? I mean, how long is this gonna' go on?"
  • (John Denver) "Until everyone gets the message. Until I can convince people of this miracle; I mean, that's what it is, you know; it's a miracle. Nothing less. And I've gotta' reach the greatest number of people possible and tell them about it."
  • (Teri Garr) "I can't seem to accept the concept of you actually having a real, honest-to-god conversation with God."
  • (Teri Garr) "Don't you see? Jerry. Look, you've got him to talk to. It's just me here. Me and those religious nuts outside. I have to leave the phone off the hook, because people keep calling up and asking to talk to God. Except, of course, the guy that offered to chew on my panty hose."

Wonderful Smith as Court Clerk

  • (Wonderful Smith) "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"
  • (George Burns) "So help me, me."
  • (Barnard Hughes) "So help you, you?"
  • (George Burns) "If it pleases the court, and even if it doesn't please the court, I'm God, Your Honor."

William Daniels as George Summers

  • (William Daniels) "What is this seein' God crap all about?"
  • (John Denver) "Well, it's not crap, Mr. Summers. I've seen him."
  • (William Daniels) "You know, I've heard it all in this chair. I know what bein' a Manager can do to a man: the trouble with books, humpin' checkout girls in the freezer --"

Paul Sorvino as Reverend Willie Williams

  • (Paul Sorvino) "Don't you, young man, try to teach this assemblage, the role of the deity. Rabbi Silverstone, my good and great friend, brother in the work of the Lord, with whom we have broke bread many times, is a pillar of the American Jew community. Bishop Reardon represents millions of Roman Catholics. Bishop Markos; multitudes of Greek Orthodoxers. And, while we have virtually every religious persuasion represented here today. And I, personally, have been chosen to render the benediction at this year's Super Bowl."

Moosie Drier as Adam Landers

  • (Moosie Drier) "It sounds pretty bananas, Dad."

Ralph Bellamy as Sam Raven

  • (Ralph Bellamy) "Someone must have erased it."
  • (Barnard Hughes) "Nobody erases tapes anymore."

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