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American Pie (film) Quotes

American Pie (film) is a TV program that appeared on TV in 1970 . American Pie ended in 1970.

It features Chris Weitz as producer, David Nessim Lawrence in charge of musical score, and Richard Crudo as head of cinematography.

American Pie (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of American Pie (film) is 95 minutes long. American Pie (film) is distributed by Universal Studios.

The cast includes: Alyson Hannigan as Michelle, Jason Biggs as Jim, Eddie Kaye Thomas as Finch, Natasha Lyonne as Jessica, Thomas Ian Nicholas as Kevin, Chris Klein as Chris "Oz" Ostreicher, Seann William Scott as Steve Stifler, Chris Owen as Chuck Sherman, Shannon Elizabeth as Nadia, Tara Reid as Vicky, Mena Suvari as Heather, Tara Subkoff as College Girl, Lawrence Pressman as Coach Marshall, and Casey Affleck as Tom Myers.

American Pie (film) Quotes

Eddie Kaye Thomas as Finch

  • (Eddie Kaye Thomas) "Tell me he did not just get out the chair."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "He got out the chair."
  • (Eddie Kaye Thomas) "Is that legal? Can you do that?"
  • (Jason Biggs) "I did it. Don't care."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Maybe we'll just have to call you two-ply."
  • (Chris Klein) "I personally enjoyed the double-bagging part myself."
  • (Jason Biggs) "Well I'm very happy to entertain you Oz. So how you doing Kev, you okay?"
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Yeah."
  • (Eddie Kaye Thomas) "All right, all right; I'm here for your dumb meeting."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "So, status check --"
  • (Chris Owen) "Boys, boys, boys. I'm on the offensive, the Sherman tank is going back in, locked on target, flying in stealth mode under enemy sex radar, ready to make the payload; again."
  • (Eddie Kaye Thomas) "Did not just take out that chair."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Yup, he took out the chair."
  • (Stifler's Mom) "I got some scotch."
  • (Eddie Kaye Thomas) "Single malt?"
  • (Stifler's Mom) "Aged eighteen years. The way I like it."

Alyson Hannigan as Michelle

  • (Alyson Hannigan) "What's my name? Say my name, bitch."
  • (Jason Biggs) "Michelle. Michelle."
  • (Alyson Hannigan) "This one time, at band camp --"
  • (Alyson Hannigan) "Now, I have 2 rubbers. Wear them both. It will desensitize you. I don't want you cumming so damn early this time."
  • (Jason Biggs) "What makes you think that I would cum early?"
  • (Alyson Hannigan) "Come on, I saw you on the net. Why do you think I accepted this date? You're a sure thing."
  • (Jason Biggs) "Yes I am."
  • (Alyson Hannigan) "This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my p*****."

Jason Biggs as Jim

  • (Jason Biggs) "I would like to make an announcement. There is a gorgeous woman masturbating on my bed."
  • (Jim's Dad) "It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game."
  • (Jason Biggs) "Right."
  • (Jason Biggs) "It's not a game."
  • (Jason Biggs) "No."
  • (Jim's Dad) "What you want is a partner to return the ball."
  • (Stifler's Brother) "Awesome. That was better than Jurassic Park. Oh man --"
  • (Jason Biggs) "Yes it was --"
  • (Jason Biggs) "She's gone. Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used. Cool."
  • (Jason Biggs) "Guys guys guys; here's an easy one, okay: "Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion". Okay; Attractive: ugly."
  • (Chris Klein) "Fun Loving: Insane."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Okay, 'unlisted age' plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'."
  • (Jason Biggs) "No, no no no; 'Charming' is old; 'Older' is really old; 'Youthful mind' is dead."
  • (Chris Klein) "Yes, yes."
  • (Chris Klein) "You're still eating that damn imitation hot dog?"
  • (Eddie Kaye Thomas) "It's not an imitation. Removing the actual 'dog' from the Ultra Dog makes a better hot dog."
  • (Eddie Kaye Thomas) "Behold Ultra Dog; No dog."
  • (Jason Biggs) "God -- let this be it."
  • (Jason Biggs) "You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us."
  • (Jason Biggs) "Holy s***."
  • (Eddie Kaye Thomas) "HOLY s***."
  • (Garage Band Member) "Holy s***"
  • (Enthusiastic Guy) "Holy s***."

Thomas Ian Nicholas as Kevin

  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Finch, get to the bathroom, now."
  • (Eddie Kaye Thomas) "Easy tiger, what's in there?"
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Just go."
  • (Eddie Kaye Thomas) "And why is this?"
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Listen, you're going to s*** your pants."
  • (Eddie Kaye Thomas) "That's charming."
  • (Eddie Kaye Thomas) "Look, Stifler slipped some sort of laxative in your coffee and it's fast acting; really fast."
  • (Eddie Kaye Thomas) "Listen, Kevin, you know first of all it's mochachino -- Oh -- Oh."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny."
  • (Jason Biggs) "Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style kung fu will defeat it."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Guys --"
  • (Chris Klein) "The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite. Fight. And find out who is number one."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "GUYS. I'm serious."
  • (Victoria 'Vicky') "Hey, Kevin."
  • (Victoria 'Vicky') "I want to have sex."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Now?"
  • (Victoria 'Vicky') "Prom."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Hey, Stifler, how's the "Pale Ale"?"
  • (Seann William Scott) "f*** you."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused. From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be. This is our day. This is our time. And, by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy. We will make a stand. We will succeed. We will get laid."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "He's pullin' out the porn."
  • (Eddie Kaye Thomas) "He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed."
  • (Jason Biggs) "Sherman? The Sherminator?"

Seann William Scott as Steve Stifler

  • (Seann William Scott) "I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No f***ing Section", right?"
  • (Seann William Scott) "What did you cocks do to him?"
  • (Chris Klein) "You came to see me in action?"
  • (Jason Biggs) "Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good."
  • (Seann William Scott) "Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached."
  • (Seann William Scott) "Hey, Kev, seen s*** brick lately?"
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Why? What did you do to him?"
  • (Seann William Scott) "Me? Nothing. I'm the one who ass he kicked. But uh -- I'll tell you one thing -- I don't think he's gonna have a problem s***ting in school anymore. Slipped a little something into his Moccachino."
  • (Seann William Scott) "Vicky, Jessica, great to see you, glad you could make it. Ha ha, Bitches."
  • (Seann William Scott) "Sherman."
  • (Chris Owen) "Hay."
  • (Seann William Scott) "What the f*** are you doing here?"
  • (Seann William Scott) "You actually said that?"
  • (Chris Klein) "Shut up."
  • (Jason Biggs) "You did better than me Nova."
  • (Chris Klein) "Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud."
  • (Seann William Scott) "You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie."
  • (Seann William Scott) "suck me beautiful."
  • (Seann William Scott) "I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and f***ing use them."
  • (Seann William Scott) "She called me and asked for my number."
  • (Seann William Scott) "Choir chick. What the hell are you doing here?"
  • (Mena Suvari) "Well, uh, I was asking Chris to the prom. So do you wanna go?"
  • (Chris Klein) "Yeah, that would be great."
  • (Seann William Scott) "Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo."
  • (Chris Klein) "Stifler, f***. I mean, why do you gotta be so insensitive all the time?"
  • (Seann William Scott) "What? Whatever."
  • (Stifler's Brother) "What happened? What did he do?"
  • (Seann William Scott) "He blew it."

Chris Klein as Chris "Oz" Ostreicher

  • (Chris Klein) "You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and s***."
  • (Seann William Scott) "I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work."
  • (Chris Klein) "She's a college chick."
  • (Jason Biggs) "Cassanova."
  • (Chris Klein) "Debbie."
  • (Seann William Scott) "Bulls***; from where?"
  • (Chris Klein) "She works part-time at my dad's store."
  • (Seann William Scott) "Yeah right Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store."
  • (Chris Klein) "Dude, come on, he does not."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Really Stifler, he's the manager."
  • (Seann William Scott) "Hey, I'm not making fun; I'm f***ing impressed. I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?"; that's some serious s*** to master."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Stifler, you're such an asshole."
  • (Seann William Scott) "Myers -- I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sakes and all she's do is blow you? s***, I'd drop her like a steaming turd."
  • (Eddie Kaye Thomas) "Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?"
  • (Seann William Scott) "I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak."
  • (Chris Klein) "She's a cartoon dude."
  • (Jason Biggs) "She's a hot cartoon."
  • (Chris Klein) "Dude, is ther anything you don't jerk off to?"
  • (Jason Biggs) "Of course there is. C-Span."
  • (Chris Klein) "Suck me beautiful."
  • (Tara Subkoff) "What did you just say?"
  • (Chris Klein) "Suck me beautiful."
  • (Chris Klein) "Friends call me Nova as in Casanova."
  • (Tara Subkoff) "That's pathetic."
  • (Chris Klein) "Jeez you don't have to laugh at me."

Lawrence Pressman as Coach Marshall

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Natasha Lyonne as Jessica

  • (Natasha Lyonne) "You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually?"
  • (Tara Reid) "I've never tried it."
  • (Natasha Lyonne) "You've never double-clicked your mouse?"
  • (Victoria 'Vicky') "I want it to be the right time, the right place --"
  • (Natasha Lyonne) "It's not a space shuttle launch, it's SEX."

Chris Owen as Chuck Sherman

  • (Chris Owen) "I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent back in time to change the future for one lucky lady."

Shannon Elizabeth as Nadia

  • (Shannon Elizabeth) "So uh, "shaved" is the expression?"

Tara Reid as Vicky

  • (Tara Reid) "Maybe the words aren't that important. It's like, I know he really cares about me, you know even if he can't say if he does. And yeah, he always talks about sex, but that's ok cause he's a guy, right?"
  • (Natasha Lyonne) "He's got a dick, he's a guy."
  • (Tara Reid) "Right."

Casey Affleck as Tom Myers

  • (Casey Affleck) "You called to ask me how to get laid?"
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Well yeah you know, it's not like I can really call dad. I don't even have his number."
  • (Casey Affleck) "It's listed A-S-S-H-O-L-E."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Yeah, you said it -- Anyway, I was calling to see if I could get some advice; brother-to-brother. I mean, I think that tonight, Vicky's -- I mean, there's a definite chance that --"
  • (Casey Affleck) "All right, all right; listen, have you ever heard of The Bible?"
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "What? Not THE Bible?"
  • (Casey Affleck) "That's not really its name but that's what we call it."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Does it tell me how to -- to get laid?"
  • (Casey Affleck) "You know what? Nevermind, you're not ready."
  • (Thomas Ian Nicholas) "Wait, ready for what?"
  • (Casey Affleck) "Woah, you're breaking up there. I gotta go, good luck at the party."

Mena Suvari as Heather

  • (Unnamed) "Just focus on the music, think melody, let the music be my guide."
  • (Mena Suvari) "Yeah, that'd be a start."

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