Mad TV (season 2) Quotes

Mad TV (season 2) is a TV program that first aired in 1996 on Fox Broadcasting Company. Mad TV completed its run in 1997.

Mad TV (season 2) aired for 22 episodes.

Mad TV (season 2) Quotes

• (Dale) "Carol Finney. Tell us something about yourself, and not something I've already said."
• (Carol) "Well, I like to roll nickels -- I have a windmill magnet collection -- my daughter's my best friend."
• (Dale) "Well I hope your husband is a close second."
• (Carol) "Well he would be if he'd help me roll nickels."

• (Police Officer) "Was he a black man or a white man?"
• (Ms. Swan) "You know -- black-a like you, black-a like me."

• (Dr. Phil) "You're like a little Latino sponge, sucking up what you like to have."
• (Dr. Phil) "What the frick? Is that a camera?"

• (Marvin Tikvah) "Shelly."
• (Shelly) "What?"
• (Marvin Tikvah) "Shelly."
• (Marvin Tikvah) "C'MON."

• (Mrs. Curtis) "Don't make me break my foot off of yo ass."

• (Anna Nicole Smith) "Do you like Mama's meatbags baby?"
• (Unnamed) "Mom?"
• (Anna Nicole Smith) "You get old enough I'm gonna letcha touch em'"

• (Phil LaMarr) "And remember: When you watch Mad TV, it's like making love to us with your remote control."

• (Unnamed) "So, Stuart, I hear your dad left on a Thursday, huh?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Um-hum."
• (Unnamed) "Well, how does that makes you feel?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Why?"
• (Unnamed) "Well, I grew up without a father too and I just wanted to tell you -- You know, sweetie, it's not your fault."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Aaaaahhh."
• (Unnamed) "Stuart, that was not very nice."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Say that into the microphone."
• (Unnamed) "If I do, will we be friends?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "I don't know."
• (Unnamed) "Well, I don't need to be your friend, then. I'll just sit here and read a magazine."

• (Vancome Lady) "Shaaa -- You know what?"

• (Simon Cowell) "Jacko, freak of nature -- yes. Pedofile -- yes. She-male -- yes."
• (Simon Cowell) "American Idol, no."

• (Ricky Martin) "Ask me how I feel, come on, ask me how I feel."
• (Unnamed) "Okay, how do you feel?"
• (Ricky Martin) "I feel crazy, man."

• (Steven Cragg) "Hey guess what. There's a show on ABC called Rodney starring Rodney Carrington that just got picked up for another season. Hey, Rodney got picked up for another season. Yeah. Honk your horn. Hey I got a question, who the f*** is Rodney Carrington?"

• (Stuart Larkin) "Look what I can do."

• (Ms. Swan) "Yeah, okay, I tell you everything."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about little boys who aren't polite?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who aren't polite give the pro-choice a better reason to exist."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about lying?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, I have never said anything racist in front of you."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Mmmhmmm, you said that Canadians are wusses and that black people aren't scary as long as they keep their hair neat. French are smelly and can't fight -- oh, and you said that the Chinese were ugly."

• (Malcolm X) "You wanna know what the worst part about childhood is? White people."

• (Announcer) "It's Mad TV."

• (Man) "Now, Stuart, you have to get angry and swing at the ball. What makes you angry, Stuart?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The world."

• (Cloret) "Who the hell is Count-less Va-john?"
• (Countess Vaughn) "It's actually Countess Vaughn. I'm on "The Parkers", it's on the UPN."
• (Cloret) "You on the UPN? That explains why I ain't never seen't you."

• (Diane Sawyer) "I'm Diane Sawyer. I'm all alone now, and I'm scared. I continue to hear voices all around me."
• (Ted Koppel) "I'm Ted Koppel."

• (Piano Teacher) "Okay, Stuart. Have you practiced?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Hm hmm."
• (Piano Teacher) "You're not lying to me are you, Stuart?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "If I said I did it, I did it."

• (Customer) "I can't believe you don't have a problem with what you did."
• (Cloret) "And I can't believe you just spent $6 on some orange juice that took a trip around the blender with ice."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about swearing?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Mama says, little boys who swear grow up to Democrats."

• (Unnamed) "Haha, take it like a man."
• (Ms. Swan) "Yeah, you look like you take it like a man."

• (Dixie Wetsworth) "You like? I like."

• (Mrs. Campbell) "Now see, that is why I never did buy a gun is because I just don't think shooting yourself sounds like any fun."
• (Man) "Lady, I didn't do it on purpose."
• (Mrs. Campbell) "You didn't? Well, now, let me ask you a question -- do you have a television?"
• (Man) "Yes."
• (Mrs. Campbell) "Have you ever seen this TV show? It's called "The News"?"

• (Girl in Tow Truck) "I'm an only child, and I always wanted to be a part of a big family."
• (Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man) "Then you are stupid."

• (Dancer) "Oh, I'm not white. I'm Navajo."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "Well I'm not a ho, either."

• (Connie Chung) "I'm Connie Chung. If you're watching this, it means I'm back on the air. Or you're Maury and this is in the background while Suki and I play our bath tub games."

• (Abercrombie Guy 1) "So what'd you guys do last night?"
• (Abercrombie Guy 2) "Me and the guys from the Crew team went skinny dipping in the lake under the moonlight."
• (Abercrombie Guy 3) "Solid. Yeah, me and some of my lacrosse buddies went to the old hunting lodge and took showers together."
• (Abercrombie Guy 1) "I played touch football in a wheat field with my girlfriend and 13 guys from the water polo team. Then she split and we gave each other hand jobs."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Stay away from my Danger Zone."

• (Various) "Lord, I hope they never make ''The Honeymooners 2''."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Dooooooon't."

• (Helen's Caretaker) "Helen, your new teacher is here. Oh I forgot, you're deaf."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Let me do it."

• (Nurse) "It's hard to tell how much work she had done. I'm gonna need a chisel to get all that makeup off."
• (Vancome Lady) "Watch it there, Moesha. I may be a coma but I'm not deaf."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, do you know what you want to eat?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "A happy meal."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, it's a Chinese restaurant, they don't make the happy meal."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Then I hate the Chinese."

• (Cosby) "If you don't put the pudding back in the fridge, you are a dumb person."

• (Mr. Swan) "Will you shut up? I swear to God I'm gonna cut off your head and throw it right in your face if you don't shut up and listen to me."

• (Lorraine Swanson) "Uh-uh-uh."

• (Spishak Spokesman) "How many times has this happened to you?"

• (Dollar Bill Montgomery) "We were supposed to get Dr. Bill Cosby here today, but instead we got this anonymous bitch."
• (Rogaine Washington) "Hey, hey, hey, I got a name. It's Rogaine. Rogaine Ephedra-Free Washington. Oh, and I'm not a bitch, I'm a ho. Bitch don't get paid."

• (Ms. Swan) "He look-a like-a man."

• (Unnamed) "Look, you can't go around killing people all the time."
• (Unnamed) "Why?"
• (Unnamed) "You just can't."
• (Unnamed) "Why?"
• (Unnamed) "Forgive him, Father. He's a robot from the future."

• (Lorraine Swanson) "Goddddddd, that's cute."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, this is your first time in a Chinese restaurant. Isn't this fun?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The waiter's face looked weird."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, that's because he's Asian --"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Where did his eyes go?"

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about sliding down the banister?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Don't slide down the banister because you'll injure your googoo and that's all some men have going for them."

• (Fantana 1) "It's so hot --"
• (Fantana 2) "And hard to think."
• (Fantana 3) "Don't you want a Fanta?"

• (Jessica Simpson) "Finally, I was like Korean babies are too stressful. So, I sent him back to China, or where ever Korean babies come from."

• (Destiny) "Tad, that's very interesting but i can't kiss you."
• (Destiny) "Even though we are the same age --"
• (Tad) "That's right. We're both fifteen."
• (Destiny) "That's right."

• (Belma Buttons) "Damn, this flight makes more stops than R. Kelly's limo in a preschool parking lot."
• (Tovah McQueen) "God bless Southwest Airlines, the ghetto bus of the sky."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Where did his eyes go?"
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well Stuart, they didn't go anywhere, honey. They're just a different shape."
• (Stuart Larkin) "They look like this."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, that's the way God made 'em. Just like he gave you the lazy eye."
• (Stuart Larkin) "I don't have a lazy eye."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Ohh. Yes you do."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Well, you have gray hair in your danger zone."
• (Doreen Larkin) "STUART. Did you peek at Mommy when she was changing again?"

• (Jessica Simpson) "Lord, I hope they never make ''The Honeymooners 2''."

• (Lorraine Swanson) "Serpentine."

• (Nautica Brown) "And don't forget to buy my book, "Gone With the Wind -- My Ass. Hollywood -- and the White Man's Lies"."
• (Dollar Bill Montgomery) "Damn, that's an angry bitch."

• (Dr. Kylie) "If you married Darth Vader, you would be Ella Vader."

• (Various) "I don't wanna be here. I wanna be on Friends."

• (Unnamed) "OK, so one morning, Mickey wakes up and looks outside. He sees "Mickey Sucks" written in urine. Mickey calls the police and they say they have bad news and they have worse news. The bad news is that the urine is Pluto's. The worse news is that it's Minnie's handwriting."

• (Edward) "I don't get it."

• (Police Officer) "Year and make of the car, please."
• (Driver) "It's a 2003 Earth Destroyer."

• (Dot) "Look how little my gloves are."

• (Various) "Where are the strawberries?"

• (Will Sasso) "So who do you think is the biggest phony here tonight?"
• (Unnamed) "You are."

• (Connie Chung) "You were great in "Chicago"."
• (Catherine Zeta-Jones) "Thank you, that means a lot."
• (Connie Chung) "I know what "thank you" means."

• (Simon Cowell) "You have taken my love of music and ripped it to shreads, pissed on it, and threw it in a dumpster --"
• (Simon Cowell) "-- pulled it out of the dumpster, raped it, aborted it, and cooked it in a stew and then spoon fed it back to me."

• (Aunt Noreen) "Happy Birthday, Stuart. Do you remember which aunt I am?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The alcoholic?"
• (Aunt Noreen) "No --"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The one who lives with her "FRIEND", Linda?"
• (Aunt Noreen) "No --"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Then you must be the ugly one."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, apologize to your Aunt Noreen."
• (Stuart Larkin) "I'm sorry you're ugly."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Don't jump on the bed. My mom says only Italians do that."

• (Eve) "If UPN ain't got no stars, they shouldn't have done this f in' show. Can't believe they couldn't get Mo'Nique too busy to do this? LisaRaye, where the hell she at?"

• (Drew Barrymore) "I think that marriage is back because love is back. It was all weird when love was gone. I think love was gone because we made fun of it. We called it fat and stupid. So don't make fun of love."
• (Drew Barrymore) "Hey Drew Barrymore, Anne Heche called and said you're spaceship's ready."
• (Drew Barrymore) "E.T.'s here?"

• (Joe Namath) "Let's face it: VD is everywhere, and chances are you'll probably wind up getting it someday."

• (Rosa Parks) "What's up with all you white people? Ya'll got no asses. It's like God said, "I'm gonna take your asses and give 'em to the black people." See --"
• (Rosa Parks) "We've got TWO asses."

• (Vancome Lady) "Hurry up, Blondie, you don't wanna be late to the Hitler Youth Convention."
• (Vancome Lady) "Oh, and young man, my car has low-jack."

• (DMV Worker) "Now turn and face the camera."
• (Ms. Swan) "Live from New York --"
• (DMV Worker) "No. That's the wrong show."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What do you want to eat?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "A Happy Meal."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, this is a Chinese restaurant. They don't make the Happy Meal."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Then I hate the Chinese."
• (Doreen Larkin) "STUART. That kind of talk is racist. What does Momma say about little boys who are racist?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who are racist learn to be racist from their mother."
• (Doreen Larkin) "That's righ-"
• (Doreen Larkin) "Oh. Ohh. Stuart, I've never said anything racist in front of you."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Hmm-hmm. You said that Canadians are wussies. And that black people are not scary if they keep their hair neat."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Oh. Okay --"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The French are smelly and can't fight --"

• (Ms. Swan) "What the hell?"

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart's father left us on Tues-dee."

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