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National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Quotes

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is a TV program that debuted in 1970 . National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation completed its run in 1970.

It features John Hughes, and Tom Jacobson as producer, Angelo Badalamenti in charge of musical score, and Thomas E. Ackerman as head of cinematography.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is 97 minutes long. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is distributed by Warner Bros..

The cast includes: Chevy Chase as Clark, Randy Quaid as Eddie, Beverly D'Angelo as Ellen, Mae Questel as Aunt Bethany, William Hickey as Uncle Lewis, Nicholas Guest as Todd, Diane Ladd as Nora Griswold, Ellen Hamilton Latzen as Ruby Sue, Mae Questel as Bethany, Doris Roberts as Frances, Johnny Galecki as Rusty Griswold, Juliette Lewis as Audrey, E.G. Marshall as Art, Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Margo, Brian Doyle-Murray as Mr. Frank Shirley, Nicolette Scorsese as Mary, Miriam Flynn as Cousin Catherine Johnson, and Chevy Chase as Clark Sr..

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Quotes

Chevy Chase as Clark

  • (Chevy Chase) "Oh, I was just smelling; smiling. I was just blouse; browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't -- Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they; HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?"
  • (Nicolette Scorsese) "You have your coat on."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?"
  • (Chevy Chase) "I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Ooh the Crunch Enhancer? Yeah, it's a non-nutritive cereal varnish. It's semi-permeable, it's not osmotic, what it does is it coats and seals the flake and prevents the milk from penetrating it."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f***ing Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber."
  • (Johnny Galecki) "Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Whatever, Russ. Whatever."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello?"
  • (Randy Quaid) "I don't know about the cat, but I sure am enjoying it."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?"
  • (Johnny Galecki) "Sure, Dad."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Hmm -- Maybe we ought to just go up there and check --"
  • (Johnny Galecki) "Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car --"
  • (Chevy Chase) "We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols."
  • (Juliette Lewis) "We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?"
  • (Chevy Chase) "No, I have one of those at home."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Fixed the newel post."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Whew, it's warm in here."
  • (Nicolette Scorsese) "Well you have your coat on."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Ah yes I do, why is that?"
  • (Nicolette Scorsese) "Because it's cold out."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Yes it is, it's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out, what did I say, nipple? Huh, there is a nip in the air."
  • (Chevy Chase) "I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Lotta sap in here. Mmmm -- Looks great. Little full, lotta sap."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?"
  • (Randy Quaid) "Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark."
  • (Chevy Chase) "My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain --"
  • (Randy Quaid) "I appreciate that, Clark."
  • (Chevy Chase) "-- Is innocent."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey s*** he is. Hallelujah. Holy s***. Where's the Tylenol?"
  • (Chevy Chase) "Well I'm gonna park the cars and get check the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Catherine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we're all in for a real treat."
  • (Randy Quaid) "Save the neck for me, Clark."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Okay Eddie --"
  • (Chevy Chase) "The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace."
  • (Mae Questel) "What, dear?"
  • (Diane Ladd) "Grace."
  • (Mae Questel) "Grace? She passed away thirty years ago."
  • (William Hickey) "They want you to say Grace."
  • (William Hickey) "The BLESSING."
  • (Mae Questel) "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Amen."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City."
  • (Randy Quaid) "You serious, Clark?"
  • (Chevy Chase) "Later dudes. Let 'er rip, hang ten."
  • (Chevy Chase) "If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head, punch-in-the-face I ever got, GOD DAMN IT."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Lewis? My tree."
  • (William Hickey) "So what's the matter with you?"
  • (Chevy Chase) "Look what you've done to my tree."
  • (Chevy Chase) "You smell something?"
  • (Randy Quaid) "Fried p*****cat."
  • (Chevy Chase) "I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin -- Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà."
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "Are you okay?"
  • (Chevy Chase) "Russ, go get the hammer."
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "Clark, what do you need a hammer for?"
  • (Chevy Chase) "I'm gonna catch it in the coat -- And smack it with the hammer."
  • (Chevy Chase) "It's a one year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club."
  • (Randy Quaid) "Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year."
  • (Chevy Chase) "I did it"
  • (Chevy Chase) "So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?"
  • (Randy Quaid) "Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?"
  • (Chevy Chase) "Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway."
  • (Randy Quaid) "Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month."
  • (Chevy Chase) "SQUIRREL."
  • (Chevy Chase) "I think you've made a terrible mistake."
  • (SWAT Commander) "I told you to freeze, mister."
  • (Chevy Chase) "May we blink?"
  • (Chevy Chase) "'Tis the season to be merry."
  • (Nicolette Scorsese) "That's my name."
  • (Chevy Chase) "No s***."
  • (Chevy Chase) "I can't believe you're standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come."
  • (Randy Quaid) "Yeah I'm excited about it too."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Our holidays were always such a mess."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Oh, yeah."
  • (Chevy Chase) "How'd you get through it?"
  • (Chevy Chase) "I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things."
  • (Miriam Flynn) "Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol."

Brian Doyle-Murray as Mr. Frank Shirley

  • (Brian Doyle-Murray) "Remember how I was toying with the idea of suspending the Christmas bonuses?"
  • (Mrs. Helen Shirley) "You didn't. Well, of all the cheap lousy ways to save a buck."
  • (SWAT Commander) "That's pretty low, mister. If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you --"
  • (Brian Doyle-Murray) "I changed my mind. I'm reinstating all the bonuses."
  • (Brian Doyle-Murray) "Sometimes things look good on paper, but lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks. I guess a healthy bottom line doesn't mean much if to get it, you have to hurt the ones you depend on. It's people that make the difference. Little people like you. So, Carl -- whatever you got last year, add -- 20%."
  • (Brian Doyle-Murray) "I have never been treated like this in my life."
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping."

William Hickey as Uncle Lewis

  • (William Hickey) "Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogey."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?"
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas."
  • (Chevy Chase) "If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas."
  • (William Hickey) "That's not the friggin' Christmas Star, Gris -- Its the light at the sewerage treatment plant."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Sewer gas --. NO DON'T LIGHT THAT."
  • (William Hickey) "What is that?"
  • (William Hickey) "Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Aw, you didn't have to get me anything."
  • (William Hickey) "Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it."

Randy Quaid as Eddie

  • (Randy Quaid) "I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Do you really think it matters, Eddie?"
  • (Randy Quaid) "Merry Christmas. s***ter was full."
  • (Randy Quaid) "Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so."
  • (Randy Quaid) "This one here, is leaking."
  • (Randy Quaid) "It's lime."
  • (Randy Quaid) "If that thing had nine lives, he just spent 'em all."
  • (Randy Quaid) "Don't forget the rubber sheets and gerbils."
  • (Randy Quaid) "Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark."
  • (Randy Quaid) "You about ready to do some kissing?"

Doris Roberts as Frances

  • (Doris Roberts) "Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was."
  • (Juliette Lewis) "He worked really hard, Grandma."
  • (E.G. Marshall) "So do washing machines."

Mae Questel as Aunt Bethany

  • (Mae Questel) "What's that sound? You hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound."
  • (William Hickey) "You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant."
  • (Mae Questel) "Is this the airport, Clark?"
  • (Mae Questel) "Is your house on fire, Clark?"
  • (Chevy Chase) "No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights."
  • (Mae Questel) "Is Rusty still in the navy?"

Juliette Lewis as Audrey

  • (Juliette Lewis) "I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas."
  • (E.G. Marshall) "If they know your dad, they won't think anything of it."
  • (Juliette Lewis) "I have nightmares about what he does when I'm NOT lying next to him."

Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Margo

  • (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) "You just march over there and slug that creep in the face."
  • (Nicholas Guest) "I can't just attack someone."
  • (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) "All right then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this s***, then I am."
  • (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) "Go away Todd."
  • (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) "If you want to come in you'll have to break down the god**** door."

E.G. Marshall as Art

  • (E.G. Marshall) "You got a kiss for me?"
  • (Randy Quaid) "Better take a rain check on that, Art; he's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet --"
  • (E.G. Marshall) "The little lights -- they aren't twinkling."
  • (Chevy Chase) "I know, Art. Thanks for noticing."
  • (E.G. Marshall) "It was an ugly tree anyway."
  • (E.G. Marshall) "You're goofy."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Don't piss me off, Art."
  • (E.G. Marshall) "You want to hurry this up, Clark? I'm freezing my baguettes off."

Beverly D'Angelo as Ellen

  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery."
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "Welcome to our home; what's left of it."
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "I have this terrible suspicion that Catherine and Eddy don't have presents for their kids. Rocky said something about Eddie telling him that Santa Claus wasn't coming this year."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Yeah, Ruby Sue said something like that last night. How can they have nothing for their children?"
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "Well, he's been out of work for close to seven years."
  • (Chevy Chase) "In seven years, he couldn't find a job?"
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position."
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "What are you looking at?"
  • (Chevy Chase) "Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn -- the clean, cool chill of the holiday air -- an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer --"
  • (Randy Quaid) "s***ter was full."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Ah, yeah. You checked our s***ters, honey?"
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "Clark, please. He doesn't know any better."
  • (Chevy Chase) "He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it."
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that."
  • (Mae Questel) "Oh dear, did I break wind?"
  • (William Hickey) "Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents."
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "Clark. I don't want to spend the Holidays dead."
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home -- before things get worse."
  • (Chevy Chase) "WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell."
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down."
  • (Chevy Chase) "That's all part of the experience, honey."
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "Aren't you having any breakfast?"
  • (Chevy Chase) "I'm not in the mood."
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "What are you looking at?"
  • (Chevy Chase) "Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer."
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "You set standards that no family activity can live up to."
  • (Chevy Chase) "When have I ever done that?"
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays --"
  • (Chevy Chase) "Goodnight Ellen"
  • (Beverly D'Angelo) "Vacations, graduations --"

Johnny Galecki as Rusty Griswold

  • (Johnny Galecki) "Dad, this tree won't fit in our back yard."
  • (Chevy Chase) "It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room."

Ellen Hamilton Latzen as Ruby Sue

  • (Ellen Hamilton Latzen) "Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Nervous or excited?"
  • (Ellen Hamilton Latzen) "s***tin' bricks."
  • (Chevy Chase) "You shouldn't use that word."
  • (Ellen Hamilton Latzen) "Sorry. s***tin' rocks"
  • (Ellen Hamilton Latzen) "Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?"
  • (Chevy Chase) "I'm sure -- I can't even afford to be an elf."

Nicholas Guest as Todd

  • (Nicholas Guest) "Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?"
  • (Chevy Chase) "Bend over and I'll show you."
  • (Nicholas Guest) "You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold."
  • (Chevy Chase) "I wasn't talking to you."

Nicolette Scorsese as Mary

  • (Nicolette Scorsese) "These are cut really high in the hip. Look, I'm wearing something similar. See, you can't see the line."
  • (Chevy Chase) "Can't see the line, can you Russ?"
  • (Johnny Galecki) "Nope."

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