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Uncle Buck Quotes

Uncle Buck is a TV program that was first aired in 1970 . Uncle Buck ended in 1970.

It features John Hughes, Tom Jacobson, Tristin Rogerson-Dolley, and Chloe Elston as producer, Ira Newborn in charge of musical score, and Ralf D. Bode as head of cinematography.

Uncle Buck is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Uncle Buck is 99 minutes long. Uncle Buck is distributed by Universal Pictures.

The cast includes: John Candy as Buck Russell, Jay Underwood as Bug, John Candy as Buck, Jean Louisa Kelly as Tia, Macaulay Culkin as Miles, Suzanne Shepherd as Anita, Gaby Hoffmann as Maisy Russell, Gaby Hoffmann as Maisey Russell, Jean Louisa Kelly as Tia Russell, Elaine Bromka as Cindy Russell, Macaulay Culkin as Miles Russell, Laurie Metcalf as Marcie Dahlgren-Frost, Garrett M. Brown as Bob Russell, and Amy Madigan as Chanice Kobolowski.

Uncle Buck Quotes

Garrett M. Brown as Bob Russell

  • (Garrett M. Brown) "What about Buck? I'm sure he'd be happy to watch the kids."
  • (Elaine Bromka) "This is no time to discuss your brother. I don't want him here."
  • (Garrett M. Brown) "It's just a thought."
  • (Elaine Bromka) "He isn't married. He doesn't have kids. He doesn't even work."
  • (Garrett M. Brown) "He's a little out there. But he's responsible, and he's family."

John Candy as Buck

  • (John Candy) "Do you think she hates me?"
  • (Gaby Hoffmann) "With a passion."
  • (John Candy) "Really? Do you think it's the hat?"
  • (Gaby Hoffmann) "No."
  • (John Candy) "No? A lot of people hate this hat. It angers a lot of people, just the sight of it. Ah, I'll tell you a story about that on the way to school."
  • (John Candy) "What time do you want me to pick you up after school?"
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Don't bother. I'll get a ride with friends"
  • (John Candy) "No, I have my orders. What time?"
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Are you really this stupid? I said I would get a ride. I always get a ride."
  • (John Candy) "Hey, I'll just call the school, find out what time, and meet you right here."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Go ahead, call the school. I won't be here."
  • (John Candy) "Stand me up today and tomorrow I'll drive you to school in my robe and pajamas and walk you to your first class. 4:00 okay?"
  • (John Candy) "How many times a day does the dog eat?"
  • (Elaine Bromka) "How many times do you think?"
  • (John Candy) "I don't know, four or five."
  • (Elaine Bromka) "He eats once a day."
  • (John Candy) "Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on. Open up for daddy. I'm gonna shove a load into you. Here we go. Come on, it's nice and easy. Aaah. Come on, here we go. Ah. Take that. Take that. Come on. You don't want the crowbar, do you? Come on. Open up. Ugh. I'm gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not."
  • (John Candy) "Well, well, well, they certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "What are you doing here?"
  • (John Candy) "We were just driving by to get some ice cream. Thought you might like to join us."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "I said I would be home at 10. It's not even 9."
  • (John Candy) "Who said anything about that? I thought you might like to join us for some ice cream. Maybe your Bug here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. You know what a hatchet is, don't you, Bug?"
  • (Jay Underwood) "It's an ax?"
  • (John Candy) "Sort of, yeah, yeah. I got one in my car if you'd like to see it."
  • (Jay Underwood) "I'll pass."
  • (John Candy) "Fair enough. I like to carry it, you never know when you're going to need it. A situation may come up say for example, someone has been drinking, and about to drive a loved one home -- then I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill, no. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Swish. The elbow. Slash. Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Fowap. Ooooo. You got both kneecaps? I like to keep mine razor sharp. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why I've been known to circumcise a gnat. You're not a gnat are you, Bug? Wait a minute, bug, gnat. Is there a little similarity? Whoa, I think there is. Ha ha ha. You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back. Heh heh heh heh."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "I'm sorry."
  • (Jay Underwood) "Look, I think you'd better split. I don't exactly want him to go berserk with an ax on me."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "He's all talk."
  • (John Candy) "Here it is. Come over, come on, I want to show it to you. Maybe later. Okay."
  • (John Candy) "Come on."
  • (John Candy) "Hey who left the cat out?"
  • (Gaby Hoffmann) "We don't have a cat."
  • (John Candy) "Shoo."
  • (John Candy) "Hey, nice music. Who is that, the Grass Roots? Just kidding, I know my music."
  • (John Candy) "Hey, Bobby we should really get together sometime. I haven't been over at the new house since you moved. By the way, I want to apologize for last year at your old house about those bushes. I had no idea they all would catch on fire like that. You were right. I should never have put the barbeque grill that close."
  • (John Candy) "Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the God damndest things."
  • (John Candy) "Did you brush your teeth?"
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "Yeah. You can even feel my toothbrush."
  • (John Candy) "You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it. To see if you actually brushed your teeth or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet."
  • (Gaby Hoffmann) "If that's true, we're gonna really have to start brushing our teeth."
  • (John Candy) "Here's where we separate the men from the boys."
  • (Unnamed) "I wouldn't go in there with that hat"
  • (John Candy) "Thanks for the tip."
  • (John Candy) "You should see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door."
  • (John Candy) "We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just gonna lose again."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Try me."
  • (John Candy) "How would you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy, out-of-work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? See you in the car."
  • (John Candy) "I think about those two little dimples on your buns. Hahaha."
  • (Amy Madigan) "Dimples."
  • (John Candy) "What do we call them? One, one was on the right was Lyndon and left was."
  • (Amy Madigan) "It's Johnson."
  • (John Candy) "Johnson."
  • (John Candy) "And then there was your boobs we did. Now, your boobs were Minnie and Mickey, I remember that because of Disney World. And Felix. Felix is what we called your."
  • (John Candy) "You know there's uh, one family charity case who loves you very much."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "I'm sorry."
  • (John Candy) "Hey, come on. Nothing to be sorry about. I'm just glad I got a chance to know you again."
  • (John Candy) "I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you."
  • (John Candy) "Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face. Good day to you, madam."

Macaulay Culkin as Miles

  • (Macaulay Culkin) "Where do you live?"
  • (John Candy) "In the city."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "You have a house?"
  • (John Candy) "Apartment."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "Own or rent?"
  • (John Candy) "Rent."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "What do you do for a living?"
  • (John Candy) "Lots of things."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "Where's your office?"
  • (John Candy) "I don't have one."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "How come?"
  • (John Candy) "I don't need one."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "Where's your wife?"
  • (John Candy) "Don't have one."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "How come?"
  • (John Candy) "It's a long story."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "You have kids?"
  • (John Candy) "No I don't."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "How come?"
  • (John Candy) "It's an even longer story."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "Are you my dad's brother?"
  • (John Candy) "What's your record for consecutive questions asked?"
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "38."
  • (John Candy) "I'm your dad's brother alright."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "Holy smokes."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "He's cooking our garbage."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "That's a pretty stupid thing to do during Flu season."
  • (Gaby Hoffmann) "I'll bet she's getting the tongue."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "Who's gonna take care of us?"
  • (Elaine Bromka) "Mr. and Mrs. Neville."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "Is that a joke?"
  • (Elaine Bromka) "You don't like the Nevilles?"
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "Their dog's a ball sniffer."
  • (Elaine Bromka) "Don't talk like that."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "Mr. Neville yelled at Michael Larson because their dog was sniffing Michael's balls."
  • (Elaine Bromka) "Don't use that word."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "I don't know another word."
  • (Elaine Bromka) "Well, I'm sure we can talk to Mr. Neville about the dog."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "Waiting for your sex?"
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Shut up."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "You always kick me around, I'm an American and I have rights."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Maisey, do I kick you around?"
  • (Gaby Hoffmann) "No, but you said 's***' twice, only once that counts though."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "-- NUTS."

Jean Louisa Kelly as Tia

  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Do have any idea how embarrassing this is? You driving me up to my school where everyone can see you? I can't believe I'm related to you."
  • (John Candy) "You just get that big stick out of your keester young lady, and we'll get along just fine."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Can I ask you a personal question?"
  • (John Candy) "Sure."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Did you ever have anyone embarrass you like this?"
  • (John Candy) "No."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Have a bad day today? It hurts when someone screws with your life, doesn't it?"
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "This is such a wonderful dinner, Mother. How do you find the time?"
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Let the dog out."
  • (Gaby Hoffmann) "Parcey."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "If my whole family moved away from me, I'd have a heart attack too."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Get your bag off the table, people eat there."
  • (Gaby Hoffmann) "People eat off of plates."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Don't give me any crap, Maizy."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Are you crazy?"
  • (John Candy) "I can be."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "You could have taken his head off."
  • (John Candy) "Yeah, but would he notice?"
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Hey, Mom. Next time you take off in the middle of the night, why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house?"
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Uncle Buck?"
  • (John Candy) "Yeah?"
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Got a minute?"
  • (John Candy) "I got lots of minutes."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Now that everything's okay with my grandfather, I want to go out tomorrow night."
  • (John Candy) "You can go crazy after I leave. Until then, I'm not letting you out."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "You just can't find any way to be cool can you?"
  • (John Candy) "You mean easy? No."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "I mean decent."
  • (John Candy) "You mean blind."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Who are you trying to score points with? My parents? How many times have they had you over here since we moved? Try none until they went up s*** Creek and got stuck."
  • (John Candy) "Get used on your parents' time."

Jay Underwood as Bug

  • (Jay Underwood) "Ever hear of a tune up? Hee hee hee hee hee."
  • (John Candy) "Ah, heh heh heh. Ever hear of a ritual killing? Ah, heh heh heh heh heh."
  • (Jay Underwood) "I don't get it."
  • (John Candy) "You gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one. Ah, heh heh heh heh."

Gaby Hoffmann as Maisey Russell

  • (Maisy's Teacher) "Does anybody have a special story to tell the class about something that happened this week?"
  • (Maisy's Teacher) "Maisy?"
  • (Gaby Hoffmann) "My uncle was micro waving our socks and the dog threw up on the couch for an hour."
  • (Maisy's Teacher) "Honest?"
  • (Gaby Hoffmann) "Mm-Hmm."
  • (Maisy's Teacher) "Why was your uncle micro waving your socks?"
  • (Gaby Hoffmann) "He can't get the god**** washing machine to work."
  • (Maisy's Teacher) "Blasphemer."
  • (Gaby Hoffmann) "They have rent-a-shoes."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "And rent-a-foot disease."
  • (Gaby Hoffmann) "I don't know why we need boys at all. They're so loud."
  • (Macaulay Culkin) "Shut up."
  • (Gaby Hoffmann) "Shut up, yourself."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "We need boys, so they can grow up, get married, and turn into shadows."

Suzanne Shepherd as Anita

  • (Suzanne Shepherd) "I'm Anita Hoargarth."
  • (John Candy) "I'm Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell's wart. Not her wart. Not her wart. I'm -- I'm the wart. She's my tumor. My -- my growth. My -- uh, my pimple. I'm Uncle Wart. Just old Buck "Wart" Russell. That's what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They'll call me that. "Melanoma Head's coming." I'm s -- uncle. Maisy Russell's uncle."

Elaine Bromka as Cindy Russell

  • (Elaine Bromka) "When Dad goes to New York, I'm going to take a week off work."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "So you can interview new housekeepers?"
  • (Elaine Bromka) "I've had enough of your ugliness."
  • (Jean Louisa Kelly) "Oh really?"
  • (Elaine Bromka) "Mm-hmm. We're all just a little tired of the act."

Laurie Metcalf as Marcie Dahlgren-Frost

  • (Laurie Metcalf) "Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. I'm single again, but I never bothered to remove the Frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen."

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