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Yellowbeard Quotes

Yellowbeard is a TV show that was first aired in 1970 . Yellowbeard ended in 1970.

It features Carter De Haven as producer, John Morris (composer) in charge of musical score, and Gerry Fisher as head of cinematography.

Yellowbeard is recorded in English and originally aired in United Kingdom. Each episode of Yellowbeard is 96 minutes long. Yellowbeard is distributed by Orion Pictures.

The cast includes: Tommy Chong as El Nebuloso, Cheech Marin as El Segundo, Graham Chapman as Yellowbeard, Madeline Kahn as Betty, Martin Hewitt as Dan, Peter Cook as Lord Lambourn, Peter Boyle as Moon, Beryl Reid as Lady Lambourne, Stacey Nelkin as Troila, Eric Idle as Commander Clement, Spike Milligan as Flunkie, Marty Feldman as Gilbert, Michael Hordern as Dr. Gilpin, Nigel Planer as Mansell, and James Mason as Captain Hughes.

Yellowbeard Quotes

Peter Boyle as Moon

  • (Harvey "Blind" Pew) "It sounded as though there was a bit of a squabble."
  • (Peter Boyle) "Squabble? They're all dead."
  • (Harvey "Blind" Pew) "Oh. Must have been more of a tiff then."

Madeline Kahn as Betty

  • (Madeline Kahn) "Well, it's been awhile since we had a little cuddle."
  • (Graham Chapman) "I raped ya, if that's what you mean."
  • (Madeline Kahn) "Okay. It was half-cuddle, half-rape."
  • (Madeline Kahn) "That's Yellowbeard."
  • (Graham Chapman) "I'm in disguise, you stupid tart."
  • (Madeline Kahn) "I'm talking about the fruit of your loins."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Fruit of me loins? I haven't got fruit in me loins. Lice, yes, and proud of 'em, but no fruit."
  • (Madeline Kahn) "It's about your father."
  • (Martin Hewitt) "What about him?"
  • (Madeline Kahn) "When I said he was dead, I was only trying to cushion the blow."
  • (Madeline Kahn) "When little Dan was two minutes old I tattooed it on his head."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Does he know about this?"
  • (Madeline Kahn) "Oh, no no no, that's why I kept him in the cupboard for three years. That may be why he's a bit odd with all these books, and reading, and stuff like that."
  • (Madeline Kahn) "Stagger, stagger, crawl, crawl, jump --"
  • (Madeline Kahn) "I think it was the shark what jogged my memory."
  • (Madeline Kahn) "You're all going after the treasure."
  • (Michael Hordern) "No."
  • (Peter Cook) "Uh, botanical --"
  • (Graham Chapman) "Killing plants."
  • (Madeline Kahn) "If there's one thing I've learned, it's learning things never taught me nuthin'. And books is the worst."
  • (Madeline Kahn) "When little Dan came along --"
  • (Graham Chapman) "Who's Dan?"
  • (Madeline Kahn) "My and probably your son."

Eric Idle as Commander Clement

  • (Eric Idle) "Twenty years ago today you were sentenced to jail."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Yes, and now I'm due to released."
  • (Eric Idle) "Yes. Or rather, no. You see, twenty years ago, no one was expected to live in jail for twenty years."
  • (Harvey 'Blind' Pew) "I may be blind, but I have acute 'earing."
  • (Eric Idle) "I'm not interested in your jewellery, cloth eyes."

Martin Hewitt as Dan

  • (Martin Hewitt) "A pirate? Like Yellowbeard?"
  • (Madeline Kahn) "Very much like Yellowbeard, yes. In fact, he is Yellowbeard."
  • (Martin Hewitt) "Look, if you cut my head off it'll start to putrify."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Do what?"
  • (Martin Hewitt) "Putrify, go rotten."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Yeah, it would ooze a lot, heads do. But I could live with that."
  • (Martin Hewitt) "Father. We thought you were dead."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Us Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're dead. How are you gettin' on pirating?"
  • (Martin Hewitt) "Um, well --"
  • (Graham Chapman) "How many men have you killed so far?"
  • (Martin Hewitt) "One. Two, I think."
  • (Graham Chapman) "You think? You'll never kill anyone if you go around thinkin'."
  • (Martin Hewitt) "Everyone will be following you and if they catch you they'll have the map."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Bugger them. I'll eat it first. Won't be the first head I've eaten."
  • (Flower Girl) "Will you give me two farthings for a lump of s***?"
  • (Martin Hewitt) "What?"
  • (Flower Girl) "Will you give me two farthings for a lump of s***?"
  • (Martin Hewitt) "No."
  • (Michael Hordern) "Society is to blame."

Beryl Reid as Lady Lambourne

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

James Mason as Captain Hughes

  • (James Mason) "This is Mr. Moon. His speciality is discipline. This is Mr. Crisp. His specialty is discipline. This is Mr. Prostitute. His speciality --"
  • (James Mason) "Nail that man's foot to the deck."
  • (James Mason) "Wait a minute. What is that?"
  • (Marty Feldman) "It's a crocodile, sir."
  • (James Mason) "What's it for?"
  • (Marty Feldman) "Well, um -- each sailor is allowed, by tradition, a pet, sir."
  • (James Mason) "One pet per sailor, parrots preferred."
  • (Marty Feldman) "Well, we like clubbed together, as it were, if you take my drift, sir."
  • (James Mason) "That's bigger than three parrots."
  • (Marty Feldman) "Not if they're in cages, sir."
  • (James Mason) "Open it up."
  • (Marty Feldman) "Open it up?"
  • (James Mason) "Open it up. There are buttons down the side."
  • (James Mason) "The ancient superstition that a woman onboard brings bad luck is now a proven scientific fact."
  • (Marty Feldman) "Nice try, Rosie."
  • (Rosie) "Shouldn't bother, love. They're fairly strict on this one."
  • (James Mason) "One pet per person, parrots preferred."

Peter Cook as Lord Lambourn

  • (Peter Cook) "A good big 'un'll beat a bad little 'un every time."

Graham Chapman as Yellowbeard

  • (Graham Chapman) "She's yours, is she then, Dan? Let me have a bit of a prod at her first."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Where's the map?"
  • (Madeline Kahn) "What map?"
  • (Graham Chapman) "If you say you don't know where it is, I'll nail your tits to the table."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Alright, Dan, if you're my son, prove it. Kill this stupid old bugger."
  • (Peter Cook) "Hold your horses --"
  • (Martin Hewitt) "I can't kill him. He brought me up. Just like a father."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Oh, you mean he's beat ya and kicked ya and smashed ya in the teeth?"
  • (Peter Cook) "Yes --"
  • (Martin Hewitt) "No."
  • (Peter Cook) "No."
  • (Martin Hewitt) "He's been kind and gentle."
  • (Graham Chapman) "What kind of a father is that? Kill him."
  • (Martin Hewitt) "No."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Alright, I'll do it."
  • (Graham Chapman) "When they stretched me on the rack for a couple of years, I didn't go around dyin' all over the place."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Who're you talkin' about?"
  • (Madeline Kahn) "The fruit of your loins, sugar drawers."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Are you mad, woman? I haven't got fruit in my loins. Lice, yes, and proud of 'em."
  • (Graham Chapman) "KILL."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Where's my pirating outfit?"
  • (Graham Chapman) "You are a Yellowbeard."
  • (Martin Hewitt) "What?"
  • (Graham Chapman) "Killin' your father as I killed my father before me."
  • (Martin Hewitt) "Dad, the blood --"
  • (Graham Chapman) "That's what I like to hear. You are my son."
  • (Graham Chapman) "I'll kill anyone who get's in the way of me killing anyone."
  • (Graham Chapman) "With your head on my shoulders we could wreck civilization."
  • (Graham Chapman) "She couldn't be your mother. No woman ever slept with me and lived."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Oh, bugger me, you've sodded the whole thing up like the stupid little twerp that you are. I was recreating what happened to me twenty years ago, man and boy."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Oh, been out raping, lad?"
  • (Graham Chapman) "Nice work lad."
  • (Martin Hewitt) "No, I haven't raped her."
  • (Graham Chapman) "No, you wouldn't have you poncy little git. You're not the prawn of my loins, your mother's a bloody liar."
  • (Graham Chapman) "That's what I liked about her."
  • (Graham Chapman) "Betrayin's all part of piratin'. If you don't know that you're not even close to being a pirate, "Prawn of my loins", my foot."
  • (Martin Hewitt) "What?"
  • (Graham Chapman) "You're either born a pirate or not. It's in the blood Dan, and it's not in your blood or you'd have betrayed me long ago."

Marty Feldman as Gilbert

  • (Marty Feldman) "Where did you hide the treasure, exactly?"
  • (Graham Chapman) "You won't catch me with those trick questions."

Tommy Chong as El Nebuloso

  • (Tommy Chong) "Now beat your head against the ground, until you receive forgiveness from the Almighty."
  • (Tommy Chong) "What are you beating your head against the ground for, you silly person?"
  • (Tommy Chong) "Who is it more important to please: the King of Spain, or God?"
  • (Cheech Marin) "Why, God, of course."
  • (Tommy Chong) "And who is God's personal representative in these parts?"
  • (Cheech Marin) "Why, you, your holy ruthlessness."
  • (Tommy Chong) "Well, God wants to keep all of it."

Nigel Planer as Mansell

  • (Nigel Planer) "That wasn't strictly true, was it sir?"
  • (Eric Idle) "No, Mansell, it was what we in the British Navy call -- a lie."

Stacey Nelkin as Troila

  • (Stacey Nelkin) "What's happened to Daddy?"
  • (Graham Chapman) "I killed him."
  • (Martin Hewitt) "He's gone to heaven."
  • (Stacey Nelkin) "Aw, that's nice. He sent all his friends there."

Spike Milligan as Flunkie

  • (Spike Milligan) "The fat one on the throne is the queen. She's not very well today, so I should kneel upwind of her."

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