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Derek and Clive Get the Horn Quotes

Derek and Clive Get the Horn is a television program that was first aired in 1970 . Derek and Clive Get the Horn stopped airing in 1970.

It features Dudley Moore as producer.

Derek and Clive Get the Horn is recorded in English and originally aired in United Kingdom. Each episode of Derek and Clive Get the Horn is 89 minutes long. Derek and Clive Get the Horn is distributed by Universal Studios.

The cast includes: Peter Cook as Derek.

Derek and Clive Get the Horn Quotes

Peter Cook as Derek

  • (Unnamed) "I tell you something. That, that religious singing reminded me of something. Did you, did you see that, er, TV coverage of the, er, Pope when he was lying in state? The, the last Pope, you know, John Paul."
  • (Peter Cook) "Yeah."
  • (Unnamed) "Lying in state, on that catafalque? In those robes. It didn't half give me the horn, that. Him lying there. He looked so f***ing vulnerable, didn't he? I mean, like I, I couldn't prevent myself, you know, having a wank immediately cos he looked, he looked vulnerable, he looked at, at rest and, er, somebody had, er, gone to the trouble of plucking all that hair out of his nostrils."
  • (Unnamed) "Michael Moriarty was very good as that, um, Nazi. And as soon as I switched off the third episode, I, er, got on, er, got on the number eighteen and got up to Golders Green and I must of, must of slaughtered about eighteen thousand before I realised, you know, what I was doing. I thought, the f***ing television has driven me to this. The same thing happened with, urm, do you remember Andy Pandy?"
  • (Peter Cook) "Yeah."
  • (Unnamed) "He used to come on. As soon as that was on I used to get in a glove, used to jump in a glove and rush down the road. You know, the power it has over people."
  • (Peter Cook) "The whales were all Nazis. They were at the Nuremberg rallies, mate. They were all whales."
  • (Unnamed) "What, they were tried at the Nuremberg trial?"
  • (Peter Cook) "No, they were whales at the rallies. Hitler, Hitler was talking to whales."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, that doesn't make them more intelligent cos, er, Hitler lost, didn't he?"
  • (Unnamed) "Damien was in terrible trouble cos, er, cos, er, people from the ecology, you know, the environmental people come round and er, he was just off to the laundrette to take his Y-fronts down there."
  • (Peter Cook) "Oh, yeah, I know. He does that every Wednesday, doesn't he?"
  • (Unnamed) "No, not every Wednesday. Every two years."
  • (Unnamed) "I tell you one thing I can't stand."
  • (Peter Cook) "Tell me."
  • (Unnamed) "About Russia, is the dead bodies in your hotel room."
  • (Peter Cook) "Oh, Blimey, yeah."
  • (Unnamed) "Because I booked into, you know, a second class hotel, second class hotel, two stars. And, er, I asked, er, room service, erm, you know, for a light meal because I was going sight seeing the next morning. And I said I'd like some chips and, er, steak, medium rare and,er, banana fritter, you know, and this bloke come up to the room and frankly it wasn't what I ordered. He brought up, er, three thousand dissidents."
  • (Peter Cook) "Oh, God."
  • (Unnamed) "With their testicles attached to electrodes. And I said call this f***ing room service? Not room service, I said. I asked for chips, steak and banana fritters. I get three thousand f***ing dissidents on a tray."
  • (Peter Cook) "What are they trying to pull, eh? They think we're c***s."
  • (Unnamed) "I said, if you're expecting a tip, mate, if you're expecting a tip, you can get the f*** out of my hotel room."
  • (Peter Cook) "Yeah."
  • (Unnamed) "Anyway, they just dumped them down on the floor. All these dissidents. I got talking to them, some nice blokes, actually. There's Sergia, er, Wolankov. Sergia Wolankov."
  • (Peter Cook) "Oh, Wolankov, yeah."
  • (Unnamed) "He wrote some poetry, he wrote the poem saying, er, the Soviet Union is a khazi, Mr Breznev is a c***, and, er, er, I want my freedom, you see. And he published that in a dissident newspaper."
  • (Peter Cook) "I'd rather be room seviced than in prison."
  • (Unnamed) "I'll say one thing for Russia, the health service is tremendous."
  • (Peter Cook) "Oh, yeah."
  • (Unnamed) "As soon as you're ill, they kill you."

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