Love and Death Quotes

Love and Death is a TV show that debuted in 1970 . Love and Death ended in 1970.

It features Charles H. Joffe as producer, and Ghislain Cloquet as head of cinematography.

Love and Death is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Love and Death is 85 minutes long. Love and Death is distributed by United Artists.

The cast includes: Diane Keaton as Sonja, Olga Georges-Picot as Countess Alexandrovna, Woody Allen as Boris, James Tolkan as Napoleon, Alfred Lutter as Young Boris, Frank Adu as Drill Sergeant, Aubrey Morris as Soldier, Howard Vernon as Gen. Leveque, Zvee Scooler as Father, Sol Frieder as Leon Voskovec, Harold Gould as Anton, Jessica Harper as Natasha, Woody Allen as Boris Grushenko, Féodor Atkine as Mikhail, Frank Adu as Sergeant, Aubrey Morris as Soldiers, Tony Jay as Vladimir Maximovitch, Howard Vernon as Gen. Lecoq, Lloyd Battista as Don Francisco, and Beth Porter as Anna.

Love and Death Quotes

Beth Porter as Anna

• (Beth Porter) "You're praying for Ivan?"
• (Diane Keaton) "Yes. Your husband, I loved him, as you know."
• (Beth Porter) "I wanted you to have some of his possessions."
• (Diane Keaton) "How kind."
• (Beth Porter) "I kept his sword and gold watch -- but here, I'm giving you his mustache."
• (Diane Keaton) "I'll cherish it."
• (Beth Porter) "Also some string. Ivan saved string."
• (Diane Keaton) "I know. It was one of the reasons why I loved him."
• (Beth Porter) "I understand that. I loved him for his string, too."
• (Diane Keaton) "Anything else for me?"
• (Beth Porter) "I thought we should divide his letters. Do you want the vowels or the consonants?"

Woody Allen as Boris

• (Woody Allen) "Nothingness -- non-existence -- black emptiness --"
• (Diane Keaton) "What did you say?"
• (Woody Allen) "Oh, I was just planning my future."

• (Anton Inbedkov) "Boris you have spared me. I am filled with inspiration. I will take up, as I did in my youth, the art of singing. Fa la la la."
• (Woody Allen) "Great voice, eh? I should have shot him."

• (Woody Allen) "I can't shower with other men."

• (Woody Allen) "If I don't kill him he'll make war all through Europe. But murder -- the most foul of all crimes. What would Socrates say? All those Greeks were homosexuals. Boy, they must have had some wild parties. I bet they all took a house together in Crete for the summer. A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. Heh -- I'm not a homosexual. Once, some cossacks whistled at me. I happen to have the kind of body that excites both persuasions. You know, some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all, you know -- they become lawyers."

• (Woody Allen) "Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed? The difference is that all men go eventually, but I go six o'clock tomorrow morning. I was supposed to go at five o'clock, but I have a smart lawyer. Got leniency."

• (Woody Allen) "If, by some mistake, I'm not killed tomorrow, would you marry me?"
• (Diane Keaton) "What do you think the odds are?"

• (Woody Allen) "And you, Sonja, you look more beautiful standing here than you do in person."

• (Woody Allen) "You're a tyrant, and a dictator, and you start wars."
• (James Tolkan) "Why is he reciting my credits?"

• (Woody Allen) "I have no fear of the gallows."
• (Zvee Scooler) "No?"
• (Woody Allen) "No. Why should I? They're going to shoot me."

• (Woody Allen) "-- I know, but murder, the most foul of all crimes. And not just abstract murder like shooting an unknown enemy on the battlefield, but standing in a closed room with a live human being and pulling the trigger, face to face. And a famous human being, a successful one, one who earns more than I do -- My God, you figure Napoleon has gotta be good for 10,000 francs a week -- That's minimum. That's without tips or extras. Nothing like that. And me, what am I? He's a great man. He thinks like the superman, and I'm just a worm, an insect -- some kind of crawling, disgusting, creeping little vermin. You know, you can stop me."
• (Diane Keaton) "I will when I disagree."

• (Woody Allen) "How I got into this predicament I'll never know. Absolutely incredible. To be executed for a crime I never committed. Of course, isn't all mankind in the same boat? Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed? The difference is that all men go eventually, but I go six o'clock tomorrow morning. I was supposed to go at five o'clock but I have a smart lawyer. Got leniency."

• (Inbedkov) "We'll do it now -- and to the death."
• (Woody Allen) "Oh no, I can't do anything to the death. Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition, and death is the worst thing for it."

• (Mother) "He'll go and he'll fight, and I hope they will put him in the front lines."
• (Woody Allen) "Thanks a lot, Mom. My mother, folks."

• (Woody Allen) "I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves."

• (Woody Allen) "In addition to our summer and winter estate, he owned a valuable piece of land. True, it was a small piece, but he carried it with him wherever he went."

• (Woody Allen) "Something's missing."
• (Doctor) "What?"
• (Woody Allen) "I don't know, I feel a void at the center of my being."
• (Doctor) "What kind of void?"
• (Woody Allen) "Well -- an empty void."
• (Doctor) "An empty void?"
• (Woody Allen) "Yes. I felt a full void about a month ago but it was just something I ate."

• (Second) "Starting back to back, on my signal you will walk ten paces, turn and fire. Is that clear?"
• (Inbedkov) "Of course."
• (Woody Allen) "Of course."
• (Second) "Good luck. And God be with you both."
• (Woody Allen) "You listening?"

• (Woody Allen) "Wheat -- lots of wheat -- fields of wheat -- a tremendous amount of wheat --"

• (Woody Allen) "There's been a mistake. I know, I made it."

• (Woody Allen) "The question is: have I learned anything about life? Only that -- only that human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there IS a God, I don't think that He's evil. I think that the worst you can say about Him is that, basically, He's an underachiever. After all, you know, there are worse things in life than death. I mean, if you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean. The key here, I think, is to -- to not think of death as an end, but think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses. Regarding love, heh, you know, what can you say? It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that count. It's the quality. On the other hand, if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it. Well, that's about it for me folks. Goodbye."

• (Woody Allen) "If it turns out that there IS a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."

• (Woody Allen) "We have to take our possessions and flee. I'm very good at that. I was the men's freestyle fleeing champion two years in a row."

• (Woody Allen) "Does this come out, from dry cleaning, or is it like gravy?"

• (Woody Allen) "Hey, what is this, Slap Boris Day?"

• (Woody Allen) "I was never interested, though the soldier delivered his lines with gusto, and the woman had a delightful Cameo Role. A drole satire of contemporary morays. A puckish spoof aimed more at the heart than the head."

• (Woody Allen) "And so I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Actually, make that "I run through the valley of the shadow of death"; in order to get OUT of the valley of the shadow of death more quickly, you see."

• (Woody Allen) "Granted, I have a few eccentricities. I won't eat any food that begins with the letter F. Like chicken, for instance."

James Tolkan as Napoleon

• (James Tolkan) "I heard you speaking to someone."
• (Diane Keaton) "Oh, I was praying."
• (James Tolkan) "But I heard TWO voices."
• (Diane Keaton) "Well, I do both parts."

• (James Tolkan) "This is an honor for me."
• (Woody Allen) "No, it's a greater honor for me."
• (James Tolkan) "No, a greater honor for me."
• (Woody Allen) "No, it's a greater honor for me."
• (James Tolkan) "No, a greater honor for ME."
• (Woody Allen) "Well, perhaps you're right. Perhaps it IS a greater honor for you."
• (James Tolkan) "And you must be Don Francisco's sister."
• (Diane Keaton) "No, you must be Don Francisco's sister."
• (James Tolkan) "No, you must be Don Francisco's sister."
• (Diane Keaton) "No, you must be Don Francisco's sister."
• (Woody Allen) "No, it's a greater honor for me."
• (James Tolkan) "I see our Spanish guests have a sense of humor."
• (Woody Allen) "She's a great kidder."
• (Diane Keaton) "No, you're a great kidder."
• (Woody Allen) "No, you're Don Francisco's sister."

• (James Tolkan) "Do you find me attractive as a man?"
• (Diane Keaton) "Yes, I think that's your best bet."

• (James Tolkan) "I'll go to your room."
• (Diane Keaton) "Good, I'll go to yours."

• (James Tolkan) "Shall we to the bed?"
• (Diane Keaton) "Shall we WHAT to the bed?"

• (James Tolkan) "I wonder if you would be more difficult to conquer than Russia?"
• (Diane Keaton) "Well, I weigh less."

• (James Tolkan) "If this pastry is to bear my name, it must be richer. More cream."

Diane Keaton as Sonja

• (Diane Keaton) "I know I could have been a better wife to you -- kinder. I could have made love with you more often -- or once, even."
• (Sol Frieder) "Once would have been nice."

• (Diane Keaton) "Violence is justified in the service of mankind."
• (Woody Allen) "Who said that?"
• (Diane Keaton) "Attila the Hun."
• (Woody Allen) "You're quoting a Hun to me?"

• (Diane Keaton) "I truly think this is the best of all possible worlds."
• (Woody Allen) "It's certainly the most expensive."

• (Diane Keaton) "Hey, this is good champagne, Boris."
• (Woody Allen) "Oh yeah? Have you had enough, or are you gonna drink another case?"

• (Diane Keaton) "Alright, let's say that there is no God and each man is free to do exactly as he chooses, well, well, what prevents you from murdering somebody?"
• (Woody Allen) "Well murder is immoral."
• (Diane Keaton) "Immorality is subjective."
• (Woody Allen) "Yes but subjectivity is objective."
• (Diane Keaton) "Not in any rational scheme of perception."
• (Woody Allen) "Perception is irrational, it implies immanence."
• (Diane Keaton) "But judgement of any system or a priori relation of phenomena exists in any rational or metaphysical or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstract and empirical concept such as being or to be or to occur in the thing itself or of the thing itself."
• (Woody Allen) "Yeah, I've said that many times."

• (Diane Keaton) "Alright, let's say that there is no God and each man is free to do exactly as he chooses, well, well, what prevents you from murdering somebody?"
• (Woody Allen) "Well, murder is immoral."
• (Diane Keaton) "Immorality is subjective."
• (Woody Allen) "Yes but subjectivity is objective."
• (Diane Keaton) "Not in any rational scheme of perception."
• (Woody Allen) "Perception is irrational, it implies immanence."
• (Diane Keaton) "But judgement of any system or a priori relation of phenomena exists in any rational or metaphysical or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstract and empirical concept such as being or to be or to occur in the thing itself or of the thing itself."
• (Woody Allen) "Yeah, I've said that many times."

• (Unnamed) "What would you think if I told you you were one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen?"
• (Diane Keaton) "I'd think what a mad fool he is."
• (Unnamed) "And what would you think if I suddenly put my arms around you?"
• (Diane Keaton) "I'd think what a mad impetuous fool he is."
• (Unnamed) "And what would you think if I kissed you?"
• (Diane Keaton) "I'd think what a mad, impetuous, wonderful fool he is."

• (Diane Keaton) "And I want three children."
• (Woody Allen) "Yes. Yes. One of each."

• (Diane Keaton) "To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."

• (Unnamed) "I must have you."
• (Diane Keaton) "No, no. Not here, not on the piano. It's a rented piano."

• (Diane Keaton) "Boris is trying to commit suicide; last week he contemplated inhaling next to an Armenian."

• (Diane Keaton) "What are you suggesting, passive resistance?"
• (Woody Allen) "No, I'm suggesting active fleeing."

• (Diane Keaton) "Uh -- this Anton Inbedkov, he is a good shot isn't he?"
• (Woody Allen) "I'm afraid so."
• (Diane Keaton) "Well, since this may be your last night on Earth, let's go back to my room and make love."
• (Woody Allen) "Oh -- nice idea. I'll bring the soy sauce."

• (Diane Keaton) "That is so jejune."
• (Woody Allen) "Jejune? You have the temerity to accuse me of quoting to you out of jejunosity? I'm the most june person there is."

• (Father Andre) "I have lived for 87 years, and the best thing in the World is -- Blonde 12 year-old girls."
• (Diane Keaton) "Father."
• (Father Andre) "Two of them, whenever possible."

• (Unnamed) "So who is to say what is moral?"
• (Diane Keaton) "Morality is subjective."
• (Unnamed) "Subjectivity is objective."
• (Diane Keaton) "Moral notions imply attributes to substances which exist only in relational duality."
• (Unnamed) "Not as an essential extension of ontological existence."
• (Diane Keaton) "Can we not talk about sex so much?"
• (Unnamed) "I'm terribly sorry."

• (Diane Keaton) "Don Francisco?"
• (Lloyd Battista) "Pardon me?"
• (Diane Keaton) "I'm having trouble adjusting my belt. Do you think you could come over here and hold my bosom for a while?"

• (Diane Keaton) "You were my one great love."
• (Woody Allen) "Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm dead."
• (Diane Keaton) "What's it like?"
• (Woody Allen) "What's it like? You know the chicken at Tresky's Restaurant? It's worse."

• (Diane Keaton) "Oh, Boris, I'm so unhappy."
• (Woody Allen) "Ohh, I wish you weren't."
• (Diane Keaton) "Voskovec and I quarrel frequently. I've become a scandal."
• (Woody Allen) "Poor Sonja."
• (Diane Keaton) "For the past weeks, I've visited Seretski in his room"
• (Woody Allen) "Why? What's in his room? Oh --"
• (Diane Keaton) "And before Seretski, Aleksei, and before Aleksei, Alegorian, and before Alegorian, Asimov, and --"
• (Woody Allen) "Okay."
• (Diane Keaton) "Wait, I'm still on the A's."
• (Woody Allen) "How many lovers do you have?"
• (Diane Keaton) "In the mid-town area?"

• (Diane Keaton) "Boris, you're a coward."
• (Woody Allen) "Yes, but I'm a militant coward."

Alfred Lutter as Young Boris

• (Unnamed) "You're an interesting young man. We'll meet again."
• (Alfred Lutter) "Don't bother."
• (Unnamed) "It's no bother."

Olga Georges-Picot as Countess Alexandrovna

• (Olga Georges-Picot) "Would you like some wine? Something to put you in the mood?"
• (Woody Allen) "I've been in the mood since the late 1700's."

• (Olga Georges-Picot) "You are the greatest lover I've ever had."
• (Woody Allen) "Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone."

• (Olga Georges-Picot) "You're disgusting, but I love you."
• (Woody Allen) "Well, my disgustingness is my best feature."

Aubrey Morris as Soldier

• (Aubrey Morris) "Oh, God is testing us."
• (Woody Allen) "If He's gonna test us, why doesn't He give us a written?"

• (Aubrey Morris) "The idea is not to panic and run -- then they shoot you in the back."
• (Aubrey Morris) "I don't want to be trampled by a horse. What about you, Boris?"
• (Woody Allen) "Yeah, I want to be trampled by a horse. I don't even want to fight."

• (Aubrey Morris) "He was from my village. He was the village idiot."
• (Woody Allen) "Yeah, what did you do, place?"

Tony Jay as Vladimir Maximovitch

• (Tony Jay) "Why, thank you."
• (Woody Allen) "Vladimir Maximovich, you're alive."
• (Tony Jay) "No, I'm dead. Look at this hole."
• (Woody Allen) "Does it hurt?"
• (Tony Jay) "I feel nothing."
• (Woody Allen) "You don't look so bad for a guy who is dead. Actually, better when you were alive."

Frank Adu as Drill Sergeant

• (Frank Adu) "You want a dishonorable discharge?"
• (Woody Allen) "Yes sir, either that or a furlough."

• (Frank Adu) "Imagine your loved ones conquered by Napoleon and forced to live under French rule. Do you want them to eat that rich food and those heavy sauces?"
• (Aubrey Morris) "No --."
• (Frank Adu) "Do you want them to have soufflé every meal and croissant?"

• (Frank Adu) "From now on you'll clean the mess hall and the latrine."
• (Woody Allen) "Yes, sir. How will I tell the difference?"

• (Frank Adu) "One, two. One, two. One, two."
• (Woody Allen) "Three is next, if you're having any trouble."

Howard Vernon as Gen. Leveque

• (Howard Vernon) "They call me mad, but one day when the history of France is written, they will mark my name well -- Sidney Applebaum."

• (Howard Vernon) "Then, I'll sail to Austria, and form an alliance with the crown. Not the king, just the crown."

Zvee Scooler as Father

• (Zvee Scooler) "Remember that nice boy next door, Raskolnikov?"
• (Woody Allen) "Yeah."
• (Zvee Scooler) "He killed two ladies."
• (Woody Allen) "What a nasty story."
• (Zvee Scooler) "Bobak told it to me. He heard it from one of the Karamazov brothers."
• (Woody Allen) "He must have been possessed."
• (Zvee Scooler) "Well, he was a raw youth."
• (Woody Allen) "Raw youth, he was an idiot."
• (Zvee Scooler) "He acted assaulted and injured."
• (Woody Allen) "I heard he was a gambler."
• (Zvee Scooler) "You know, he could be your double."
• (Woody Allen) "Really, how novel."

Harold Gould as Anton

• (Harold Gould) "Grushenko? Isn't he the young coward all St. Petersburg is talking about?"
• (Woody Allen) "I'm not so young. I'm thirty-five."

• (Harold Gould) "If you so much as come near the Countess, I'll see that you never see the light of day again."
• (Woody Allen) "If a man said that to me, I'd break his neck."
• (Harold Gould) "I am a man."
• (Woody Allen) "Well, I mean a much shorter man."

Féodor Atkine as Mikhail

• (Féodor Atkine) "Our brother has a yellow streak down his back."
• (Woody Allen) "No, it's not down, it runs across."

Jessica Harper as Natasha

• (Jessica Harper) "I never want to marry, I just want to get divorced."

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