Mad TV (season 11) Quotes

Mad TV (season 11) is a television show that first aired in 2005 on Fox Broadcasting Company. Mad TV stopped airing in 2006.

Mad TV (season 11) aired for 22 episodes.

Mad TV (season 11) Quotes

• (Various) "Lord, I hope they never make ''The Honeymooners 2''."

• (Unnamed) "Haha, take it like a man."
• (Ms. Swan) "Yeah, you look like you take it like a man."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Let me do it."

• (Joe Namath) "Let's face it: VD is everywhere, and chances are you'll probably wind up getting it someday."

• (Piano Teacher) "Okay, Stuart. Have you practiced?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Hm hmm."
• (Piano Teacher) "You're not lying to me are you, Stuart?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "If I said I did it, I did it."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about sliding down the banister?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Don't slide down the banister because you'll injure your googoo and that's all some men have going for them."

• (Man) "Now, Stuart, you have to get angry and swing at the ball. What makes you angry, Stuart?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The world."

• (Dixie Wetsworth) "You like? I like."

• (Customer) "I can't believe you don't have a problem with what you did."
• (Cloret) "And I can't believe you just spent $6 on some orange juice that took a trip around the blender with ice."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Where's Mr. Pip's goo-goo?"
• (Various) "His what?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "His goo-goo. His goo-goo's not there."
• (Various) "I'm sorry, I don't understand --"
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, he's talking about his goo-goo, his ding-a-ling, duh."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, do you know what you want to eat?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "A happy meal."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, it's a Chinese restaurant, they don't make the happy meal."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Then I hate the Chinese."

• (Unnamed) "Look, you can't go around killing people all the time."
• (Unnamed) "Why?"
• (Unnamed) "You just can't."
• (Unnamed) "Why?"
• (Unnamed) "Forgive him, Father. He's a robot from the future."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about lying?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis."

• (Unnamed) "So, Stuart, I hear your dad left on a Thursday, huh?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Um-hum."
• (Unnamed) "Well, how does that makes you feel?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Why?"
• (Unnamed) "Well, I grew up without a father too and I just wanted to tell you -- You know, sweetie, it's not your fault."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Aaaaahhh."
• (Unnamed) "Stuart, that was not very nice."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Say that into the microphone."
• (Unnamed) "If I do, will we be friends?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "I don't know."
• (Unnamed) "Well, I don't need to be your friend, then. I'll just sit here and read a magazine."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Don't jump on the bed. My mom says only Italians do that."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about little boys who aren't polite?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who aren't polite give the pro-choice a better reason to exist."

• (Simon Cowell) "Jacko, freak of nature -- yes. Pedofile -- yes. She-male -- yes."
• (Simon Cowell) "American Idol, no."

• (Bunifa Jackson) "Alright fine, but let me tell you something. I'll take the $6 then."
• (Appraiser) "I'm not interested in buying it."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "No, no it's okay, I'll take the six."
• (Appraiser) "No, no ma'am, I'm the appraiser, I'm not the buyer"
• (Bunifa Jackson) "Then why you offer me $6?"
• (Appraiser) "No, I didn't."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "Yes you did."
• (Appraiser) "No I didn't."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "Yes you did. Yes you did. Yes you did. Oh, so what am I a liar now? I'm a liar. She just called me a liar. I'm some dumb stupid liar. I'm just some dumb stupid lying bitch."
• (Appraiser) "Ma'am I did not call you any of those names."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "So she gonna say I'm deaf. I'm deaf. I'm some dumb stupid lying deaf bitch with a six dollar dinner plate."

• (Dollar Bill Montgomery) "We were supposed to get Dr. Bill Cosby here today, but instead we got this anonymous bitch."
• (Rogaine Washington) "Hey, hey, hey, I got a name. It's Rogaine. Rogaine Ephedra-Free Washington. Oh, and I'm not a bitch, I'm a ho. Bitch don't get paid."

• (Dr. Phil) "You're like a little Latino sponge, sucking up what you like to have."
• (Dr. Phil) "What the frick? Is that a camera?"

• (Girl in Tow Truck) "I'm an only child, and I always wanted to be a part of a big family."
• (Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man) "Then you are stupid."

• (Eve) "If UPN ain't got no stars, they shouldn't have done this f in' show. Can't believe they couldn't get Mo'Nique too busy to do this? LisaRaye, where the hell she at?"

• (Malcolm X) "You wanna know what the worst part about childhood is? White people."

• (Helen's Caretaker) "Helen, your new teacher is here. Oh I forgot, you're deaf."

• (Announcer) "It's Mad TV."

• (Dot) "I learned a secret in school: lmnop isn't one letter, it's like; seven or ten."

• (Mrs. Curtis) "Don't make me break my foot off of yo ass."

• (Various) "I don't wanna be here. I wanna be on Friends."

• (Rosa Parks) "What's up with all you white people? Ya'll got no asses. It's like God said, "I'm gonna take your asses and give 'em to the black people." See --"
• (Rosa Parks) "We've got TWO asses."

• (Nautica Brown) "And don't forget to buy my book, "Gone With the Wind -- My Ass. Hollywood -- and the White Man's Lies"."
• (Dollar Bill Montgomery) "Damn, that's an angry bitch."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart's father left us on Tues-dee."

• (Police Officer) "Was he a black man or a white man?"
• (Ms. Swan) "You know -- black-a like you, black-a like me."

• (Fantana 1) "It's so hot --"
• (Fantana 2) "And hard to think."
• (Fantana 3) "Don't you want a Fanta?"

• (Steven Cragg) "Hey guess what. There's a show on ABC called Rodney starring Rodney Carrington that just got picked up for another season. Hey, Rodney got picked up for another season. Yeah. Honk your horn. Hey I got a question, who the f*** is Rodney Carrington?"

• (Dr. Kylie) "If you married Darth Vader, you would be Ella Vader."

• (Various) "Where are the strawberries?"

• (Lorraine Swanson) "Serpentine."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, I have never said anything racist in front of you."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Mmmhmmm, you said that Canadians are wusses and that black people aren't scary as long as they keep their hair neat. French are smelly and can't fight -- oh, and you said that the Chinese were ugly."

• (Police Officer) "Year and make of the car, please."
• (Driver) "It's a 2003 Earth Destroyer."

• (Antonia) "I have a cat named Cece."

• (Jovan Muskatelle) "It was crazy as hell, man. Pandemonium 2004."

• (Unnamed) "OK, so one morning, Mickey wakes up and looks outside. He sees "Mickey Sucks" written in urine. Mickey calls the police and they say they have bad news and they have worse news. The bad news is that the urine is Pluto's. The worse news is that it's Minnie's handwriting."

• (Lorraine Swanson) "Uh-uh-uh."

• (Lorraine Swanson) "Goddddddd, that's cute."

• (Cloret) "Who the hell is Count-less Va-john?"
• (Countess Vaughn) "It's actually Countess Vaughn. I'm on "The Parkers", it's on the UPN."
• (Cloret) "You on the UPN? That explains why I ain't never seen't you."

• (Mrs. Campbell) "That is so awful for your father to be dying of cancer. It's just horrible. Now -- can I ask you a question? Was he a smoker?"
• (Daughter) "Um, yes. Yes, he was."
• (Mrs. Campbell) "Well then I just don't understand how he could be surprised. I mean it says it right there on the side of the box, doesn't it? "Smoking Causes Cancer." I know 'cause I've seen it on there. Now -- can I ask you a question? Can your father read?"
• (Daughter) "Of course he can read."
• (Mrs. Campbell) "Well, I just thought maybe he was illiterate and that was why he was surprised when he got cancer. Because it does say right there on the box --"

• (Ms. Swan) "He look-a like-a man."

• (Belma Buttons) "Damn, this flight makes more stops than R. Kelly's limo in a preschool parking lot."
• (Tovah McQueen) "God bless Southwest Airlines, the ghetto bus of the sky."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Where did his eyes go?"
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well Stuart, they didn't go anywhere, honey. They're just a different shape."
• (Stuart Larkin) "They look like this."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, that's the way God made 'em. Just like he gave you the lazy eye."
• (Stuart Larkin) "I don't have a lazy eye."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Ohh. Yes you do."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Well, you have gray hair in your danger zone."
• (Doreen Larkin) "STUART. Did you peek at Mommy when she was changing again?"

• (Simon Cowell) "You have taken my love of music and ripped it to shreads, pissed on it, and threw it in a dumpster --"
• (Simon Cowell) "-- pulled it out of the dumpster, raped it, aborted it, and cooked it in a stew and then spoon fed it back to me."

• (Diane Sawyer) "I'm Diane Sawyer. I'm all alone now, and I'm scared. I continue to hear voices all around me."
• (Ted Koppel) "I'm Ted Koppel."

• (Drew Barrymore) "I think that marriage is back because love is back. It was all weird when love was gone. I think love was gone because we made fun of it. We called it fat and stupid. So don't make fun of love."
• (Drew Barrymore) "Hey Drew Barrymore, Anne Heche called and said you're spaceship's ready."
• (Drew Barrymore) "E.T.'s here?"

• (Connie Chung) "I'm Connie Chung. If you're watching this, it means I'm back on the air. Or you're Maury and this is in the background while Suki and I play our bath tub games."

• (Jessica Simpson) "Lord, I hope they never make ''The Honeymooners 2''."

• (Dot) "Look how little my gloves are."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about the smoking?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Smoking is for Europeans and white trash."

• (Dot) "My dream is to go swimming in my Hallowe'en costume."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Stay away from my Danger Zone."

• (Will Sasso) "So who do you think is the biggest phony here tonight?"
• (Unnamed) "You are."

• (DMV Worker) "Now turn and face the camera."
• (Ms. Swan) "Live from New York --"
• (DMV Worker) "No. That's the wrong show."

• (Bob Dole) "Maybe I can win Texas, but I can't win your love. And Texas doesn't look good naked."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, what does mama say about little boys who eavesdrop?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who eavesdrop deserve to know the truth, and the truth is usually devastating."

• (Ms. Swan) "Yeah, okay, I tell you everything."

• (Mr. Swan) "Will you shut up? I swear to God I'm gonna cut off your head and throw it right in your face if you don't shut up and listen to me."

• (Dancer) "Oh, I'm not white. I'm Navajo."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "Well I'm not a ho, either."

• (Jessica Simpson) "Finally, I was like Korean babies are too stressful. So, I sent him back to China, or where ever Korean babies come from."

• (Cosby) "If you don't put the pudding back in the fridge, you are a dumb person."

• (Vancome Lady) "Shaaa -- You know what?"

• (Stuart Larkin) "Dooooooon't."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, this is your first time in a Chinese restaurant. Isn't this fun?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The waiter's face looked weird."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, that's because he's Asian --"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Where did his eyes go?"

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