The Drew Carey Show Quotes

The Drew Carey Show is a Sitcom that first aired in 1995 on American Broadcasting Company. The Drew Carey Show ended its run in 2004.

The Drew Carey Show aired for 9 seasons and 233 episodes. It features W. G. Snuffy Walden as composer. The Drew Carey Show is executive produced by Bruce Helford. The Drew Carey Show is created by Drew Carey.

The Drew Carey Show is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The Drew Carey Show is 22 minutes long. The Drew Carey Show is produced by Mohawk Productions and distributed by Warner Bros. Television.

The Drew Carey Show Quotes

(Unnamed) "Mmm, it's not bad."
(Drew) "It's Cap-Beer-Chino. It's the new competition for Buzz Beer?"
(Unnamed) "Oh. Well, it's malty -- nutty -- and yet -- I'm completely blind."

(Mimi Bobeck) "This prank brought to you by Mimi Bobek. Bobek; humiliating pigs since 1995."

(Mr. Bell) "What's the matter, Carrey? You act like you've never seen me before."

(Unnamed) "I've met a nicer class of people in Gomorrah."

(Drew Carey) "Yes, Charlie, all the angels are here -- only, one of them had a terrible accident with a paint truck."

(Steve Carey) "Did it ever occur to you, that every time you look at Saturn, there may be another sad and lonely guy looking at you through a telescope?"
(Drew Carey) "Did it ever occur to you, that you're the only one here who has to wear sunscreen on his head?"

(Nigel Wick) "Uhh, Lewis. I know this is an awkward proposition but I need to use your apartment for the night --"
(Nigel Wick) "And 50$."
(Lewis Kiniski) "50$? Hey, 20$ gets you an apartment. 50$ gets you a photographer. A 100$ gets you no photographer."

(Drew Carey) "I'm going to have to tell him. Maybe now, he'll know why he has so much trouble connecting with people. I just hope he takes it well."
(Lewis Kiniski) "BOW DOWN BEFORE MY GIANT BRAIN."

(Kate O'Brien) "Drew, come on, it's 3:00 in the morning."
(Drew Carey) "I know of an all night fry place where they never shut off the deep fryer and the cops look the other way."

(Drew Carey) "Daddy's got a girlfriend. Daddy's got a girlfriend."
(Drew Carey) "You had your chance, woman --"

(Drew Carey) "I already get the Cartoon Network, and I heard if you have that and the Sex Channel, they put you in some sort of file."

(Drew Carey) "Oh, I get it. You only want the bad boys to plant the seed. But, come the harvest, all the ladies want reliable old farmer Drew."

(Drew Carey) "I'm tired of being the hall monitor. I want to be the stoner who gets the art teacher knocked up."

(Lewis Kiniski) "My dad always said- "The day I can't do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun"."

(Drew Carey) "We have to tell Oswald the truth eventually. I mean, we can't just keep distracting him with shiny objects -- Ok, we can, but we got to stop doing that."

(Kate O'Brien) "I don't believe this. You're taking advice from Oswald? Oswald who once swallowed a sponge to soak up all the beer, so he won't get drunk?"
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Did I get drunk?"
(Kate O'Brien) "We had to take you to the hospital. You were clinically dead for two minutes."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "But, did I get drunk?"

(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Every time my dad and I got into an argument we made up over a nice cold beer -- I think that's one of the reasons the county took me away from him."

(Drew Carey) "How long was I out for?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "A long time, Drew. It's 2137. I'm the great-grandson of Lewis Kiniski, the first human emperor. Unfortunately, you are my slave."
(Drew Carey) "Kate, how long was I really out for?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "Silence, slave."

(Drew Carey) "Mimi, this is Sioux with an "x". Sioux, this is Mimi with an extra chromosome."

(Oswald Lee Harvey) "I would have been a bigger star if -- I wasn't so creepy."

(Kate O'Brien) "Drew, there's a fine line between a hobby and psychosis. And even if there wasn't, this wouldn't be a hobby."

(Lewis Kiniski) "Ok, Drew. You need some practice. Pretend I'm Kate."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Give it to me, big boy."
(Drew Carey) "Uhh, Lewis? Why do you have a picture of Kate with her mouth cut out?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "Oh, don't worry. It's nothing weird. I have one of all of you."

(Drew Carey) "For the next few days, he'll replace my shadow."
(Drew Carey) "Yeah, shadow, more like the population of China."
(Drew Carey) "Yeah, shadow, more like a solar eclipse."
(Drew Carey) "Yeah, shadow, 'cause you're so fat."
(Drew Carey) "Real original, Oswald."

(Nigel Wick) "I can't get married. All women I know hate me."
(Drew Carey) "Don't forget the fellas."
(Nigel Wick) "Wait a second. I did forget the fellas. All I have to do is marry a man."
(Drew Carey) "You can't marry a man."
(Nigel Wick) "Yes, I can. There's a state where it's legal, now."
(Nigel Wick) "Drew, will you marry me in Vermont, the state that makes New Hampshire nervous?"

(Mimi Bobeck) "So much crap they had to start a second pile."

(Drew Carey) "Using a ten minute bathroom break is fine. Using to pee off the side of the building is not."
(Unnamed) "I hit the side of the building across the alley."
(Drew Carey) "I don't care if you -- wow, really?"

(Rachel Murray) "Come On Drew, haven't you ever been passionate about anything in your life?"
(Drew Carey) "Yes, my hatred of the XFL."

(Drew Carey) "Wow, what a great diet. You lose weight by drinking beer."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Hey, I'm on that diet, too. You get drunk, you pass out. You don't eat for two days."

(Lewis Kiniski) "Man -- what do you get a guy who's just lost the girl of his dreams and is having a gay green-card wedding just to get his crappy job back?"
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Champagne flutes?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "You read my mind."

(Drew Carey) "Wow. Another steaming pile of good news."

(Mimi Bobeck) "Bite me, pig."

(Kate O'Brien) "I only use my sick days for hang-overs and soap opera weddings."

(Steve Carey) "Look, dad, this isn't easy for us."
(Drew Carey) "Can't you, at least, make an effort?"
(George Carey) "Now, you listen to me. While most guys were pushing pencils, I was torching commies out of caves in Korea. I've worked at a job I hated for 40 years. I've raised two boys. I'm tired, damn it. I just want to lay there and get mine."

(Lewis Kiniski) "You're like some kind of superhero that can ward off success at every turn."

(Mimi Bobeck) "I protect home plate, like a Mormon girl on prom night."
(Drew Carey) "If Mormon girls looked like you, they wouldn't need protection."

(Nigel Wick) "Oh, Carey. Let me ask you a question. How does "Drew Carey Store Manager" sound to you?"
(Drew Carey) "It sounds like it's somewhere in between "Drew Carey Olympic Sprinter" and "Rebecca Romijn Carey"."

(Drew Carey) "You guys really got to go."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Wait a minute -- Six eggs on the frying pan -- That twinkle in your eye -- Speedy hiding under the pool table with that haunted look in his eyes -- You scored last night, didn't ya?"

(Lewis Kiniski) "I'm a janitor. Have you ever cleaned a toilet with your bare hands before?"

(Drew Carey) "Quick, somebody highlight everything I hate."

(Drew Carey) "I think I should help people."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "That's good. My uncle was a general at the Salvation Army, until he went crazy and led a surprise attack on the Good Will Store. There was blood and platform shoes everywhere --"

(Drew Carey) "Who would have thought that if you combine Steve and Mimi's genitals, something this beautiful could come out."

(Drew Carey) "Kate, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be standing at first base."
(Kate O'Brien) "If somebody on this team actually gets to first base, I'll stand there naked."

(Unnamed) "I have to help my Nigel any way I can. I can change your mind about this job. I've changed many mens' minds."
(Drew Carey) "Was one of them Elton John?"

(Drew Carey) "I remember when I took a temp job -- so I got a job at a department store. Something temporary to put on my resume, my parents said. Yeah -- till I die."

(Mimi Bobeck) "Security. Operation Luau. Come and get the PIG. This is not a drill."

(Unnamed) "All right, for dinner with my parents tonight, the dress that says "Hi mom and dad, I'm happy" OR"
(Unnamed) "the dress that says "Hi mom and dad, Drew's happy"?"
(Drew Carey) "I see you've been shopping at our "get a load of these" department."

(Drew Carey) "You're still here? You know, you people have been kicked out of so many countries you'd think you'd be better at packing."
(Nigel Wick) "Well, it helps when we're at gunpoint."
(Drew Carey) "That can be arranged --"

(Lewis Kiniski) "Well, when you clean toilets for ten years, it's like one big vaccine for everything."

(Steve Carey) "Is he going to live?"
(Unnamed) "Well, he could just wake up, or he'll need a shock to his system."
(Steve Carey) "A shock --"
(Steve Carey) "Honey, this is your department."

(Celia) "What makes her so mean?"
(Drew Carey) "Deep down inside of her, there's a scared little girl -- and she's giving her indigestion."

(Drew Carey) "This is my lucky sweater. It got me a "maybe" and a "what the hell, it's three AM, let's go.""

(Drew Carey) "Wow, Lewis. That was fast. How did you learn to tie ties like that?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "Oh, at Drug-Co we like to make the monkeys believe that we're going to turn them into people, before killing them. When they go into that room, all dressed up, there's nothing but a fat guy with a hammer --"

(Lewis Kiniski) "I sex what we're saying is, breast tell the truth."

(Unnamed) "Qualifications? Why, I have qualifications coming out the wazoo."
(Unnamed) "I have an MBA, a PhD, an EKG, a BLT,"
(Unnamed) "a TNT, and a heaping load of TLC."
(Unnamed) "So what do you say, fat boy?"
(Drew Carey) "I say get off my L-A-P. You're one weird duck."
(Unnamed) "You're not just whistling Dixie."

(Drew Carey) "Bing -- Bam -- Boom: the sound three mirrors make when you look at them."

(Lewis Kiniski) "I say we kill what she loves must in life that way you go up a notch."
(Drew Carey) "What did you come up with Oswald?"
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Beard of bee's"

(Lewis Kiniski) "I'm a freak. I need some time alone."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "I hope he's going to be all right."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Well, I'm off to the morgue to get another human liver."
(Milan) "Hi, Drew -- I see why you drink --"

(Unnamed) "Oswald? Oswald Harvey?"
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "That's what it says on my underwear."
(Unnamed) "Hi, you probably don't remember me. I used to sit next to you, in homeroom class."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Oh, yeah -- How could I not remember you. By the way, you remember that girl that had the same first name is you. What was her name?"

(Drew Carey) "You guys really think we can drink this much?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "I think we can -- remember D.W.I. Fridays?"

(Drew Carey) "Look, I hope you don't have to cry. Because if you start to cry and your makeup starts to run, I don't think we're going to have that kind of time."

(Drew Carey) "And -- wow, my eyes wont focus."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Wow, you go into a garage sale and you wonder who buys all that crap?"

(Lewis Kinski) "The closest I ever got to an altar was when my uncle tried to sacrifice me to the corn gods to make the crops grow."

(Lewis Kiniski) "Come on, everybody. Drew can't make bail. If everyone pitches in $10 --"
(Kate O'Brien) "All right, ten bucks to hear about the night I spent in a women's prison."

(Kate O'Brien) "I'm just killing mom, before time gets here. I'm just killing mom, before time gets here. I'm just killing mom, before time gets here. There we go."

(Drew Carey) "Hey, Oswald. Hey, Lewis."
(Unnamed) "Oswald? Lewis? Now, I remember. You two were the door-to-door underwear inspectors."
(Lewis Kiniski) "That was 10 years ago, baby. We're senators, now."

(Drew Carey) "Hey Mr. Wick."
(Drew Carey) "You have a little something there."
(Nigel Wick) "Oh that's just a little blood -- OH MY."
(Drew Carey) "THIS IS FOR MIMI."
(Drew Carey) "AND MY CANDY -- But mostly the candy."

(Drew Carey) "Why are you doing this to me? Look at you. No salads, no sit ups. You're the envy of your friends."

(Drew Carey) "Oh, my god. I realized why I screwed up my life. I always wanted attention. I'm a pity whore."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Aww, Drew --"
(Drew Carey) "No. Do not pity the whore."

(Christine Watson) "I'm gonna enjoy kicking yo' ass, Carey. I enjoy a butt I can lose my foot in."

(Drew Carey) "Hey, what were you doing upstairs?"
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "I was using your blow dryer to defrost my crotch."
(Drew Carey) "Well, you just bought yourself a blow dryer mister."

(Drew Carey) "Hey, Mimi, how do you like your desk? Regular or extra crispy?"

(Drew Carey) "I don't get it, how does a guy look at his girlfriend without doubling over?"

(Lewis Kiniski) "Hey, Drew. Having another expiration day eat-a-thon?"

(Lewis Kiniski) "You're just jealous because you don't have an electric wheelchair."

(Mimi Bobeck) "Why do you have to fly first class?"
(Mr. Wick) "I have a medical condition, I'm a snob."

(Nigel Wick) "Good Lord, Carey. I believe you just stumbled upon the recipe for "Suck"."

(Lewis Kiniski) "Open the door. Open the door, for god's sake."
(Lewis Kiniski) "What, I'm not good enough for ya?"
(Drew Carey) "If the eagle didn't show, then what does it attract?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "Help. Help. Let me in."
(Drew Carey) "You know, I'd run for cover, if I were you."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Because eagles eat squirrels."

(Drew Carey) "Boy, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Making prank phone calls to a guy who just took an arrow through his scrotum without asking if papa's gonna get a brand new bag."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Ah nuts."

(Kate O'Brien) "Um, no, I can't, Mrs. Louder. Because I unfortunately wasted $40 on a list of fake excuses. Oh crap."
(Mimi Bobeck) "Thanks for coming to Mimi's. Where every customer is a sucker."

(Lewis Kiniski) "How about this? You kiss ass at a drug company for fifteen years, you let one little strand of bacteria slip that causes a major disease, and suddenly, it's good bye lab coat, hello mop."

(Drew Carey) "No one puts their hands in Drew Carey's drawers and pulls out his goodies."

(Drew Carey) "I couldn't sleep last night. The rocking trailer kept me up."
(Steve Carey) "Oh, sorry."
(Drew Carey) "And, then, the screaming started."
(Steve Carey) "What was that?"
(Drew Carey) "That was me, when I realized what was going on in the trailer."

(Kate O'Brien) "Why didn't you just ask me for the money."
(Drew Carey) "I can't ask you for money. I'm "The Rock"."
(Kate O'Brien) ""The Rock"?"
(Drew Carey) "Yeah. I'm the one that's always stable and reliable. I'm the one who loans money, gives advice and helps you guys out. "The Rock" --"
(Kate O'Brien) "You should be wearing a superhero outfit when you say that."
(Drew Carey) "Don't mock "The Rock"."

(Lewis Kiniski) "You know what the worst part of getting drunk all the time is? When you really want to get smashed it costs a fortune."

(Drew Carey) "Boy, a drive-through liquor store. God bless America. A place where you can drive through and buy whiskey, beer -- just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Cant stop now. I've got places to go, people to hit."

(Lewis Kiniski) "I say we do a preemptive strike on the neighbors; they must be up to something with their doors and their curtains"

(Drew Carey) "So, where are you staying?"
(Steve Carey) "A hotel."
(Drew Carey) "You shouldn't be staying in no hotel, you should be staying here."
(Steve Carey) "Thanks, but if I stay here, Mimi's never gonna let you see your nephew."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Why don't you stay with me and Lewis?"
(Steve Carey) "Really?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "Sure. You clean, you cook, you're like a big, bald Mary Poppins."

(Unnamed) "You should come on Wednesday. It's Christian singles night. Lewis is always there, chatting up the young ladies."
(Drew Carey) "Christian singles night, huh?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "I suppose you would prefer some snobby, stuck-up woman you met at a bar. Well, so would I. But that didn't work, so welcome to plan B."

(Nigel Wick) "I want your pee on my desk by the end of the afternoon."
(Drew Carey) "Oh, I'll pee on your desk."
(Nigel Wick) "In a cup."
(Drew Carey) "Oh, I'll pee in a cup."
(Nigel Wick) "Not my coffee cup."
(Drew Carey) "Oh, I just like talking like this because it makes you nervous."

(Nigel Wick) "Penny for your thoughts?"
(Drew Carey) "I wish you would've died on the toilet last night."

(Lewis Kiniski) "That's what I want to see; a couple of guys loving each other."
(Lewis Kiniski) "I mean, a couple of guys not fighting over a dress."
(Lewis Kiniski) "I mean, a couple of guys not letting it come to blows."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Yeah, that's not what I meant."

(Lewis Kiniski) "If you hurt my sister they will never find any piece of you. Not even your glasses. Remember, I am a janitor, I know how to dispose of things."
(Drew Carey) "Is that a threat?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "You want me to sing it to ya?"

(Mimi Bobeck) "I have a fertility problem. The doctor told me to take fertility pills."
(Drew Carey) "How many more do you have to take, before you become a woman?"
(Mimi Bobeck) "If I wasn't feeling so lady-like right now, I'd bitch slap you all the way to the coffee machine."

(The Disciplinarian) "This beer kicked my ass."

(Mimi Bobeck) "You're late."
(Drew Carey) "I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning."
(Mimi Bobeck) "Remember, lift with the knees."
(Drew Carey) "You know, I had such a great time with my band last night that even seeing you couldn't affect it. OK, that's not true."

(Mimi Bobeck) "I have obsessive compulsive disorder. I have to do everything in threes. That's kinda how I got my reputation in school as a slut."

(Drew Carey) "Oh, you hate your job? Oh my god, well why didn't you say so? You know there's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY. They meet at the bar."

(Drew Carey) "They always spell my name wrong on my paycheck. Look at what it says: "Drew Fairy". Last week, it was "Screw Carey"."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Looks like every week it's Screw Carey."

(Rachel Murray) "Drew, you can't wear that suit, it was made in a factory that practices child labor. Underage children should not be forced to work like that."
(Drew Carey) "Of course not. Look at the crappy job they do. What I wouldn't give for two minutes alone with the brat that sewed this together --"

(Drew Carey) "Hi, Mr. Nichols. I brought some friends, I hope you don't mind."
(Unnamed) "No problem. Jesus even befriended the whores and the feeble minded."
(Unnamed) "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean you people."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Oh, we're not offended. We're actually amazed at your insight."

(Mimi Bobeck) "Your lips say goodbye, but your ass says, still here."

(Mimi Bobeck) "I cracked Mr. Wick's secret password. It's "Mr. Wick"."
(Drew Carey) "He might as well just use the word "password"."

(Drew Carey) "Good lord, Miss Jones, you're hideous."

(Mimi Bobeck) "Hey, Drew's brother is all right. Any man who can wear heels like that on ice? Proud to call sister."
(Steve Carey) "Sister? That's what they called me at hockey camp."

(Drew Carey) "First one to hurl is a girl."

(Drew) "I heard there was a nude beach around here, is that true?"
(Unnamed) "Are you thinking of watching or -- joining in?"
(Drew) "Well, I was thinking of maybe joining in --"
(Unnamed) "No, man."

(Mimi Bobeck) "And I sent him to the middle of China to die."
(Mr. Wick) "Good lord, Mimi, that's kidnapping. You could get into serious trouble for that."
(Mr. Wick) "Carey -- in China. Excuse me."

(Unnamed) "Why don't you download it? It lasts longer."

(Mimi Bobeck) "Ok, if we do this, we do this right. Nicki, you're 'Cobra'."
(Kate O'Brien) "Cool, we get nicknames. What's mine?"
(Mimi Bobeck) "How about 'Girl who's only nice to me when she needs something'?"
(Kate O'Brien) "Nah, too long."
(Mimi Bobeck) "How about 'Tramp'?"

(Drew Carey) "Well, you can huff -- and you can puff -- and -- oh my god. I'm making a pig joke out of myself."

(Mimi Bobeck) "Look at this- champagne, scented candles, Barry White CD's. Either you and O'Brien are going to do it, or it's gotten to the point where you have to get your hand in the mood."
(Drew Carey) "It's called romance. Not all of us can make our asses glow red to attract a mate."

(Kate O'Brien) "Guys, that is THE most disgusting bathroom I have ever seen."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Well, we tried to clean it once, but the bacteria ate our sponge."

(Drew Carey) "Right over here, Pastor. All right, you can start the exorcism."
(Pastor Lindemann) "But that's just a woman."
(Mimi Bobeck) "What do you want?"
(Pastor Lindemann) "I think we're gonna need a Catholic for this one."

(Lewis Kiniski) "This is got to be the fifth biggest margarita I've ever drank in my life"
(Larry Almada) "Fifth largest?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "Frat party, frat party, frat party, and the Super Mucho Grande Margarita at La Cucarahca's, which has its own undertow."

(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Don't worry Kate, I don't mind that you're dating Drew. As long as he doesn't see that tape."
(Kate O'Brien) "Oh, my god. You still have that tape?"
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Yeah, the one we made at the karaoke bar."
(Kate O'Brien) "Oh, I thought you meant THAT tape --"
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Ohh, that tape. No -- I accidentally sold that at a yard sale."

(Steve Carey) "I think I'm going to be sick."
(Drew Carey) "You put your tongue in Mimi's mouth and this is what makes you sick?"

(Drew Carey) "Let me tell you something I've learned about relationships --"
(Drew Carey) "Any other questions?"

(Drew Carey) "One of these days, I'm going to bite you and I'm going to get very, very sick."

(Mimi Bobeck) "And the award for the dumbest woman of all time goes to -- Oh, my god. This almost never happens- IT'S A TIE."

(Mimi Bobeck) "Steve. If you don't come out of this bathroom, I'm burning this house down."
(Drew Carey) "She'll do it, too. You saw what she did to her face."

(Drew Carey) "Hey, Clemens, I got a riddle for you. What has four legs and shouldn't be in my backyard?"
(Greg Clemens) "Oswald and Lewis."
(Drew Carey) "Ok, what has the I.Q. of --"
(Drew Carey) "What smells like --"
(Drew Carey) "What craps standing --"
(Drew Carey) "Get that damn horse out of my backyard."

(Mrs. Louder) "Mimi. You're fired."
(Mimi Bobeck) "For what?"
(Mrs. Louder) "For having the nerve to ask me to speak at a seminar for "Women in their 90's"."
(Mimi Bobeck) "You're reading it wrong. It's supposed to say "Women in the 90's.""
(Mrs. Louder) "Oh, well count me in, then."
(Mimi Bobeck) "Actually, it really was supposed to say "Women in their 90's"."

(Mimi Bobeck) "All right, three places come up. The Warsaw Tavern, Mr. C's South Side Lonely Hearts Dance Club, and some place called "We Rent Boats". Apparently, they sell beer there."

(Lynn O'Brien) "Well, Lisa, I see you're the lucky girl that finally landed Drew."
(Lisa Robbins) "No, I just fed him once and he followed me home."

(Drew Carey) "Hey, don't waste cheese. If you're going to waste food, throw a vegetable."

(Oswald Lee Harvey) "I think I'm going to be sick"
(Drew Carey) "Why?"
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "I've got little pieces of Jim Thome's head all over me."

(Drew Carey) "I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night."

(Kate O'Brien) "So, what do you want me to do? Put my legs in the air and shut up?"
(Drew Carey) "Is that a trick question?"

(Kate O'Brien) "Yeah, is pathetisad a word?"
(Drew Carey) "Hey, whatever BeerStud3 and HoneyBee23 do is their own business."
(Kate O'Brien) "Beer stud? Forget pathetisad, is weirdork a word?"
(Drew Carey) "How bout sarcastibitch."

(Drew Carey) "Don't you ever wear guy clothes on a date?"
(Steve Carey) "I wore jeans once, but you know, they were the kind with the zippers on the ankles."

(Mimi Bobeck) "Hey, Drew, I got something for you to wear in prison."
(Drew Carey) "I'll still need it before you do."

(Lewis Kiniski) "I know how many cockroaches it takes to tow a toothbrush. I know the last meal of every man executed in the last 100 years. I know which Vice-Presidents were gay and which ones were robots, and which one was a gay robot."
(Drew Carey) "Little Danny Quayle?"

(Drew Carey) "You know, my mom used to say, "God never closes a door without opening a window"."
(Earl) "Oh. My mom used to say,"
(Earl) ""Close that damn door or I will throw you out the window.""

(Nigel Wick) "I'm not so sure about this. You invite me over here in the middle of the night, the lights are off -- If I hear a belt being unbuckeled, I'm out of here."
(Drew Carey) "What do you people take me for?"

(Steve Carey) "It's a boy. We're having a boy."
(Mimi Bobeck) "Actually, I'm glad it's not a girl. After all, what woman could live up to this beauty?"
(Drew Carey) "All women, most men and some horses. Good morning."

(Drew Carey) "Do you want to be the shooter, or do you want to dig the hole?"

(Nigel Wick) "Carey, are you familiar with the TV show 'Survivor'?"
(Drew Carey) "Yeah."
(Nigel Wick) "Good. Today we're going to play the office version of 'Survivor'. Every employee is going to vote for someone who they want to be fired. Whoever gets the most votes, gets fired. Oh, but you can't vote for me, I'm English. I've already been kicked off an island."

(Drew Carey) "Celia, this is makeup being tested on animals as we speak."

(Suzanne) "Feel that? It's a boy."
(Drew Carey) "Feel that? I'm a boy, too."

(Lewis Kiniski) "I am sick of hearing about poor Drew. "Oh, my house is too big, I have too many wives. I just clogged up my toilet 'cause I crapped a solid gold brick.""

(Drew) "I forgot, who loves rock and roll?"
(Unnamed) "Probably my son. Anything to chap the old man's ass."

(Lewis Kiniski) "One person's always disappointed. So far, I've been lucky; it's always been the woman."

(Drew Carey) "Is that the most terrible sound you've ever heard?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "Have you ever tried to start your car with a cat sleeping on the intake manifold?"
(Drew Carey) "No."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Then yes, that's the worst sound you ever heard."

(Drew Carey) "Why are you guys wearing suits?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "Well, Wendy's coming back. Looks like ripe picking for the love buzzards."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Picking at the bones of her self respect."
(Drew Carey) "I don't know how to break this to you guys, but, I don't think she was ever crazy about you two."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Ahh, but you don't know how forgettable we are. I went out on a date with this one woman. She told me about her worst date ever. Little did she know- that date was me."

(Mr. Wick) "Oh, Mimi. I must have you. And I must have you right here, on Carey's desk."
(Drew Carey) "Oh my god, that hamburger must have killed me. I'm in hell."

(Drew Carey) "You can lie to me, you can lie in court. If you want, you can even lie in front of my car, but you will never beat this machine."

(Mimi Bobeck) "Oh, and I booked a massage for you this afternoon."
(Drew Carey) "Wait a minute, you want me to believe that I'm going to lie down naked on a table and nothing's going to happen?"
(Mimi Bobeck) "Does it ever?"

(Lewis Kiniski) "Hey, Speedy, want some pickle water?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "Uh uh. Don't eat the pickles, they're for paying customers."

(Lewis Kiniski) "You know what our Little League coach used to tell us: 'Hey, drink it off, buddy.'"

(Larry Almada) "An Englishman. Well, it's almost like a woman."

(Drew Carey) "Ask me about my day, I dare you."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Drew, how was your day?"
(Drew Carey) "You're not sincere enough."
(Drew Carey) "YOU. Ask me about my day."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Drew, how was your day?"
(Drew Carey) "Lousy. It was like the rubber glove part of a physical exam."

(Oswald Lee Harvey) "I'm Oswald. And, as of last week, I am work-free."

(Kate O'Brien) "They can't close the Warsaw. That's where I lost my Over-50-Guys virginity."
(Drew Carey) "You mean your Guys-Over-50 virginity, right?"
(Kate O'Brien) "Uhh -- Yeah."

(Lewis Kiniski) "I think Santa doesn't want to kill us anymore. We didn't get any death threats, recently. And, when we threw Kate to him and left her for dead he didn't touch her."
(Kate O'Brien) "Yeah, he told me not to worry and that he wasn't going to rape me. He told me that after what Santa saw in the Gulf War he could never be with a woman again."

(Drew Carey) "Hey, Lewis. I got a little present for you. You want to smell something nice?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "For the last time Frank, that's sexual harassment."

(Drew Carey) "I swear you were born in a pool hall."
(Kate O'Brien) "No, Drew, I told you -- I was born in the wagon of a traveling show -- Momma used to dance for the money they'd throw."

(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Why are you wearing a dress?"
(Steve Carey) "Why do you take long walks in the park?"
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Because it feels good."
(Steve Carey) "You should try women's underwear."

(Mimi Bobeck) "I felt something kick."
(Drew Carey) "Hansel or Gretel?"

(Steve Carey) "If there's a bra on the door, don't come in. If there's two bras on the door, get a room. If I were you, I'd get a room."
(Drew Carey) "Wow, you dog you. Still a Carey."
(Drew Carey) "It's a girl, right?"
(Steve Carey) "Yeah."
(Drew Carey) "Still a Carey."

(Oswald Lee Harvey) "His name is Robert Gates. I wish it was Bill though --"
(Drew Carey) "How come?"
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Well, imagine all the fun you could have. 'Hey, Bill Gates, take out the trash. Hey, Bill Gates, mow the lawn. What're ya, Bill Gates, an idiot?'"

(Drew Carey) "How do I look?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "Not just sexy, grandpa sexy."

(Drew Carey) "Masturbation wouldn't be a sin, would it? I mean, if it was I wouldn't be here, I'd be giving Hitler a sponge bath."

(Kate O'Brien) "We should go to Lewis and Oswald's place."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Our place? Even we don't like going to our place."

(Lewis Kiniski) "Hey Mr. Wick, what were some of the things you've been fired for?"
(Mr. Wick) "Let's see; drunk,"
(Mr. Wick) "drunk,"
(Mr. Wick) "I don't know what the technical term is, but whipping it out in an elevator."
(Mr. Wick) "Drunk,"
(Mr. Wick) "drunk,"
(Mr. Wick) "whipping it out in an office."
(Mr. Wick) "I was telling the elevator story at another job."
(Drew Carey) "Oh."

(Oswald Lee Harvey) "All right. Drew told us not to let speedy into the house."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Where is he?"
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Probably in the brewery."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Ok, when he comes out, we pretend to let him into the house, and then we catch him."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Hey, he brought us a six pack. But, why did he put it all the way over there?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "'Cause he's a dumb animal. Come on, let's go get it."
(Lewis Kiniski) "We must never speak of this again --"

(Unnamed) "Yeah, you're the kind of guy who'd give up his pudding real easy in the joint."
(Drew Carey) "B-By pudding you mean my -- man-flower?"
(Unnamed) "Uhh, no I mean your pudding. It's a dessert."

(Unnamed) "So, do you think we'll be able to prove that Oswald's incompetent?"
(Lynn O'Brien) "I think it'd be harder to prove that he's not."

(Nigel Wick) "Penny for your thoughts?"
(Drew Carey) "I wish I would have died on the toilet last night."

(Steve Carey) "Hey, Mimi, I found something that'll help you get pregnant."
(Drew Carey) "A blindfold for your penis?"

(Drew Carey) "How could you do that in the room where I keep my perishables?"

(Drew Carey) "Hi, I'm Drew Carey. You know in all the years we've been on television, we've never won an Emmy award. Never. Can't even get nominated. Nothing for acting, nothing for writing, nothing. We thought this year might be different after all the shows we've did but nope, we've don't have a chance in hell this year either. So some of the guys around here thought if we did just this one special episode, something filled with social importance and big tear-jerking emotional things, that we'd have a chance. And that maybe the emmy people would notice just once, just once in our stinking miserable lives. But I said NO. We're not gonna have our actors hamming it up just to win some stupid award."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Drew. This homeless woman is having a baby for your consideration."

(Mr. Wick) "Where do we do it, though? We have to do it some place that management doesn't know about."
(Mimi Bobeck) "Drew's cubicle."

(Mimi Bobeck) "MR. WICK. Drew's too fat to do his job."

(Lewis Kiniski) "Man, it must be weird thinking you're going to lunch with someone and you end up going to their funeral."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Yeah. The closest things I've ever had to that is when my pet possum died. One minute he was fine, the next, on his back, dead. So I buried him in the backyard. But the weird thing is, the next morning, the grave was empty, and the ghost had taken a dump in my shoe."

(Oswald Lee Harvey) "I have an unpaid student loan bill. Well, when you give a loan to a community college student with a 2.0 GPA, you takes your chances."
(Lewis Kiniski) "I have an unpaid bill -- from my own birth. What are they going to do, put me back?"

(Unnamed) "Give it up boys, because when something goes in here, it dies."

(Mimi Bobeck) "Whenever you drink a beer, I'll be here. Whenever you take a bite of a cheeseburger, I'll be here. Whenever you -- what else do you do here?"

(Mr. Wick) "Gather around, everyone. Story time. Come on -- gather around. Once upon a time -- Johnson was fired. And everyone else lived happily ever after. Freaked, but happily."

(Drew Carey) "Hey, Mr. Wick. Did you talk to the new owner?"
(Nigel Wick) "Yes."
(Drew Carey) "Did you talk to him about my raise?"
(Nigel Wick) "Yes, Carey. You see, he's the kind of man whose first order of business is to pick the most insignificant drone in the company and to shower him with money?"
(Drew Carey) "Really?"
(Nigel Wick) "Yes. And he also told me that he's naming you King of Cleveland and that your sole task is to masturbate."
(Drew Carey) "I so want to believe you --"

(Nigel Wick) "You're going to have sex for the first time, with the woman you loved all of your life. I won't try to put any pressure on you. Not at all. Instead, I'd like to congratulate you -- prematurely."

(Kate O'Brien) "Well, that takes care of the heebies but I still got the jeebies."

(Drew Carey) "I have a question to ask. Am I healthy?"
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Well, you sound healthy. I can hear you breathing from here."

(Lewis Kiniski) "Gee, Drew, I'm really sorry about your troubles with your hot, young and rich boss. I'd send you a sympathy card if I wasn't so busy mopping elephant afterbirth at Drug-Co."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Eww."
(Lewis Kiniski) "That's typical. You want your shampoo and conditioner in one but you don't want to know how it's done."

(Drew Carey) "Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?"

(Nigel Wick) "It's like a portal into another dimension."

(Drew Carey) "Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are."

(Unnamed) "Is it true, Mr. Carey that you harbor violent feelings for Mrs. Bobek?"
(Drew Carey) "That's ridiculous."
(Unnamed) "If it's that ridiculous, why did 20 coworkers hear you say"
(Unnamed) ""I'm going to kill you"?"
(Drew Carey) "That's just a figure of speech."
(Unnamed) ""That's not a figure of speech. You are dead.""
(Drew Carey) "No, you're reading it all wrong."
(Drew Carey) "I'm gonna kill ya. That's not a figure of speech, yoooouuu'rrrrre dead."
(Drew Carey) "I want a lawyer."

(Drew Carey) "I'm sorry, Mr. Wick, but your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi."
(Drew Carey) "That's right, your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi."
(Drew Carey) "Your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi."
(Drew Carey) "Your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi."
(Drew Carey) "Boy, no matter how many times I say that, it still sounds weird."

(Drew Carey) "So, Mr. Wick, you're off to see your girlfriend."
(Nigel Wick) "Yes, I got all I need. Flowers and 100$."
(Drew Carey) "Ok --"
(Nigel Wick) "Oh, yes. You see, she's always in need of money the poor thing. But I don't let that bother me. She's very nice, and shy. The girl won't even let me kiss her."
(Drew Carey) "Mr. Wick, is she a prostitute?"
(Nigel Wick) "Oh, no. She's an actress who's researching the part of a prostitute, going on -- 14 years now."
(Drew Carey) "Oh, and does she have a very strict acting coach who beats her with an iron pipe every once in a while?"

(Beulah Carey) "Look, Drew, we brought the same minister that married me and your father."
(Drew Carey) "Uhh -- Yeah, but -- Kate and I can only be married by a Catholic priest."
(Kate O'Brien) "That's right. That way -- our son could never grow up to be pope. See? I can't tell my parents that my son could never be pope. That's just crazy."
(Beulah Carey) "Oh, Kate -- You and your Catholic Voodoo --"

(Nigel Wick) "Wait a minute. I'm the owner of this team and I don't want any of my players, especailly the women, to be hot, sweaty, and drunk. Oh wait a minute, yes I do. I'm off to buy a van with tinted windows."

(Kate O'Brien) "For as long as I can remember, you've been my best friend or my boyfriend. But now, you're nothing. Good-bye."

(Kate O'Brien) "I can't believe Drew did this to me. I'm going to kill him."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Oh, no. We should probably warn Drew."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Yeah, we should do a lot of things."

(Drew Carey) "Oh, c'mon, how is a breadmaker gay?"
(Nigel Wick) "Oh how is it not ?"

(Mimi Bobeck) "A lady never pays."
(Nigel Wick) "A lady doesn't shave her armpits in the car, on the way over."

(Mr. Wick) "Carey, doesn't it seem like the days are just screaming by?"
(Drew) "Actually, Sir, that was me you heard screaming.""

(Drew Carey) "Hey, Lewis, I got a question. Did you ever sleep with a close friends' girlfriend?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "Oh, I see where this is going -- I'm in. But, Kate, when we're in bed Drew's and my eyes must never meet."
(Kate O'Brien) "Lewis, let me make this clear. The only way I'd lie next to you naked is if we're in a mass grave."

(Drew Carey) "Oh my god, it's Frankenfridge."
(Kate O'Brien) "It's filled with -- baking soda. Because it really smells."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Are you crying, Drew?"
(Drew Carey) "It's that smell. It's killing me."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Hope you like it, Drew."
(Drew Carey) "Wow, I cant believe you guys did such a nice thing for me. And yet you sit here, while this refrigerator is attracting flies in the middle of winter."

(Drew Carey) "How does a guy keep from doubling over every time he looks at his girlfriend?"
(Steve Carey) "That is just rude."

(Lewis Kiniski) "Well Drew, This may just be the medication talking, but women are like street cars, they're big and they have bells that go "clang clang clang clang clang.""

(Drew Carey) "I'm not promising you anything, sir."
(Mr. Wick) "Oh, and I'm promising you blah blah blah, promises promotions, blah blah blah."

(Unnamed) "All right, all right, I admit it. I killed him. But by the time they catch me, I'll be in Mexico -- . I mean Canada."

(Drew Carey) "Man, I can't believe I almost beat Jay up and humiliated him in front of the entire Warsaw."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Wow. What was your plan, tire him out by letting him beat the crap outta you?"

(Drew Carey) "Look, the only two boobs nobody wants to see on the internet."

(Drew Carey) "I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch."

(Mr. Wick) "I cannot believe you two are getting paid to do this. If anybody needs me, I'll be in my office having a nap."

(Drew Carey) "Wendy, this thing here is Mimi."
(Unnamed) "Hello."
(Mimi Bobeck) "Hi. I'm Mimi. If you ever need a friend, or want to talk -- Well, too damn bad."
(Drew Carey) "Mimi, she's new in town, she's short on money, she doesn't have any friends. I guess what I'm trying to say is -- Thanks for taking it easy on her."

(Mimi Bobeck) "Oops. Clumsy me. I just dropped a pen. I'm just gonna have to bend over and pick it up. Thus, leaving my butt open to a kick, stabbing, or the possible application of a humorous bumper sticker."
(Drew Carey) "I'm warning you, Mimi. You're waving a steak in front of a hungry dog -- God, I want to hurt that butt."
(Mimi Bobeck) "It wants to be hurt."
(Lewis Kiniski) "What are we watching here?"

(Drew Carey) "If frogs could fly -- well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?"

(Kate O'Brien) "Oh, my God. How could you lie on the Bible."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Well, it's simple. I'm a single, 41 year-old janitor. What's God gonna do? Take that away from me?"

(Steve Carey) "Bro, I wanted to tell you something for a long time -- I play for the other team."
(Lewis Kiniski) "I knew it, he's gay."
(Steve Carey) "No, I mean the other softball team. And, if you think I'm gay, well -- talk to the hand."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Oh, hello."

(Drew Carey) "Like the doctor said the day you were born, "It's gonna get ugly.""

(Celia) "You don't take no for an answer, do you?"
(Drew Carey) "Hey, it's my style. If you can't dazzle, wear 'em down."

(Oswald Lee Harvey) "I have an idea. Well at least hear me out first."
(Drew Carey) "Uhh, Oswald nobody objected."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Oh, OK. Anyway, if you're afraid to take a physical, you could get Lewis to take it for you."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Why are you looking at me approvingly?"
(Drew Carey) "Because I'm proud of you. We can now add the word "savant" to your title."

(Unnamed) "He's here. Get down."
(Drew Carey) "Look, I don't want everybody being afraid --"
(Drew Carey) "Did I say get up?"

(Kate O'Brien) "What's wrong with you guys?"
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Lot's of stuff. Why?"

(Lewis Kiniski) "If we win, you have to name your son after us."
(Steve Carey) "And, if I win, you two have to legally change your names to 'Boob 1' and 'Boob 2'"
(Lewis Kiniski) "That's ridiculous."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Dibs on 'Boob 1'."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Damn."

(Kim Harvey) "Drew Allison Carey, what have you done?"
(Mimi Bobeck) "Allison? All three of his names are girl names."

(Mimi Bobeck) "Your brother turned me inside out last night."
(Drew Carey) "How can you tell?"

(Drew Carey) "I'm a little nervous."
(Kate O'Brien) "Me, too. In fact, I'm so nervous, I over freshened a little. I hope you really, really, really like spring rain."
(Drew Carey) "Well, this is it."
(Kate O'Brien) "Yeah. Think about it, this is the definitive moment of our relationship."
(Drew Carey) "What do you mean?"
(Kate O'Brien) "Well, everything has been going so well, that the only thing that could ruin it is bad sex."
(Drew Carey) "Well, goodbye erection."

(Lewis Kiniski) "Waitress, four beers."
(Unnamed) "But we're alcoholics."
(Lewis Kiniski) "Sorry. Eight beers."

(Drew Carey) "Well, Wendy and I are having lunch tomorrow."
(Kate O'Brien) "That's fine. I'd like to see Wendy again."
(Drew Carey) "Well, actually -- she just wants to have lunch me."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "This subject will never change. I bet you 100$, this subject will never change."

(Kate O'Brien) "If I were you, I'd pick Lewis. I mean, Oswald's my friend but I wouldn't want Lewis to be mad at me. Remember that time we saw "The Silence of the Lambs", and he said "Now, there's a guy that did something with his life"?"

(Kate O'Brien) "I can't believe Oswald has a son."
(Drew Carey) "I know. I feel bad for the kid. You grow up thinking your dad's Neil Armstrong. Instead, you get Forrest Gump."

(Unnamed) "What do you got there, Carey?"
(Drew Carey) "Uhh, nothing, sir."
(Unnamed) "Is that the new report?"
(Drew Carey) "Uhh, yeah that's what it is."
(Unnamed) "Well, let me see."
(Drew Carey) "No. Uhh -- I mean, it's not finished."
(Unnamed) "Let me see what's in your hand, Carey."
(Drew Carey) "Ok -- uhh -- It's uhh -- a present for Kate. Yeah, it's erotic pictures of me. I'm in a thong."
(Unnamed) "I got a feeling you're covering -- But I can't take that chance."

(Drew Carey) "Fine, then I'm giving up my job for Mimi. I'm giving my job up for Mimi. I am giving up my job for Mimi. Wow, no matter how many times I say that, it still sounds weird."

(Jenny) "I can sleep with whoever I want to."
(Drew Carey) "You were going to sleep with me?"
(Mimi Bobeck) "You'll sleep with him over my dead body."
(Drew Carey) "I'm having the best day ever."

(Nigel Wick) "Hey, Stella. Get your groove back."

(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Whoof. Where have you been? You smell like garbage and gunpowder."
(Drew Carey) "I was at the dump with Mimi."
(Lewis Kiniski) "You fool, you can't bury her there. That's the first place they'll look."

(Drew Carey) "I've got high hopes, I've got -- high hopes. I've got -- high apple pie-in-the --"
(Drew Carey) "-- sky hopes --"
(Drew Carey) "EVERYBODY --. Every time you're feeling low, here's the way to go -- just remember that ant -- Oops, there goes ten years of my life."

(Mimi Bobeck) "Hey, losers poker. What's the winning hand?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "Read this and weep."
(Mimi Bobeck) "Oh geez."
(Drew Carey) "Quick, somebody tag her before the dart wears off."

(Mrs. Louder) "And if you don't -- this company will be 210 pounds lighter."
(Drew Carey) "Hey, she thinks I only weigh 210 pounds."

(Drew Carey) "I have a position of indirect respect and oblique power."

(Lewis Kiniski) "It's a great day. Drew's got a new job, Kate got a promotion, and the manager at Drug-Co is paying me off so I won't talk about their new experiment."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "Really?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "Yeah, I'm supposed to meet him in the woods at midnight."
(Oswald Lee Harvey) "How much is he going to pay you?"
(Lewis Kiniski) "I don't know, but I think it's going to be a lot. He told me to bring a duffel bag I could fit in."

(Kate O'Brien) "My mom always said that if the Protestants catch a Catholic in their church, they feed them to the Jews."

(Lewis Kiniski) "I don't say this often but grrrrrrr."

(Drew Carey) "I can't take it anymore. She's either in my home, or at my work. I watch "Unsolved Mysteries". People disappear all the time. Why can't she?"

(Drew Carey) "That's it. No one sticks their hand in Drew Carey's drawers and pulls out his goodies."

(Drew Carey) "My hero, Gandhi, would find a non-violent solution. My other hero, Godzilla, would do this."

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