The New Statesman Quotes

The New Statesman is a Sitcom, satire that was first aired in 1987 on ITV (TV network) (1987, 1989-1992). The New Statesman stopped airing in 1994.

The New Statesman aired for 26 + 3 specials episodes. It features Modest Mussorgsky arrangement by Alan Hawkshaw as theme composer. The New Statesman is executive produced by John Bartlett. The New Statesman is created by Laurence Marks (British writer).

The New Statesman is recorded in Language and originally aired in United Kingdom. Each episode of The New Statesman is Approx. 24-25 minutes long. The New Statesman is produced by ITV Yorkshire and distributed by ITV Studios.

The cast includes: Rik Mayall as Alan, Lady Marcia Fitzalan-Howard as Sarah, Rik Mayall as Alan B'Stard, Michael Troughton as Piers, and Berwick Kaler as Sheriff.

The New Statesman Quotes

Rik Mayall as Alan

• (Rik Mayall) "If your IQ was any lower, you'd need watering."

• (Rik Mayall) "Who in this country was not moved when that great Englishman, Gazza, wept bitter tears at the World Cup last year? People thought that he was crying because he had been booked by the umpire and so would miss the final. But that was not the reason. He was crying at the thought that the Conservative government, the only government this young hero had ever known, was behind in the opinion polls. He was weeping at the threat of the return to power of a Labour rabble led by a bald Welsh windbag, dedicated to destroying Britain's prosperity, running down our currency, encouraging satanist abuse of our children, spreading AIDS through their sponsorship of homosexual behaviour, abolishing the House of Lords, and executing the royal family. Gazza didn't want that for his children, do you want it for yours? Or do you want a government that lets you share in Britain's prosperity by offering you the chance of five, yes five, free Sun jackpot bingo cards with every registered Tory membership application? Yes, apply now to join the Tory party at this week's once in a lifetime special offer price of only £9.99 and you will receive a free Tarzan Teenage Hero Turtle T-shirt, a Gazza car tidy, and the News of the World every Sunday for a year."

• (Rik Mayall) "Remember my friends, God is dead. Marx is also dead. But the market lives. The market must become your new God."

• (Unnamed) "Dinner went rather well, I thought."
• (Rik Mayall) "Rather well? You poured an entire bottle of champagne down Fergie's cleavage."
• (Unnamed) "There was room for it."
• (Rik Mayall) "And then you started to cut your toenails with the grape scissors."
• (Unnamed) "Do you think anybody noticed?"

• (Rik Mayall) "Alright, Mother, you can stay. You can live with us till the day you die, or next Sunday, whichever's soonest."
• (Unnamed) "Did you hear that? Veiled threats, Sir Piers. I'm frightened to go home with him now, in case he murders me."
• (Michael Troughton) "Oh, surely not."
• (Unnamed) "He tried before, when he was seven."
• (Rik Mayall) "I told the police at the time, I left that roller skate at the top of the stairs by accident."
• (Unnamed) "What about the bath of acid at the bottom of the stairs?"

• (Rik Mayall) "You're having an affair with him, aren't you?"
• (Lady Marcia Fitzalan-Howard) "Of course I'm not, Alan. I mean he's fat and flabby, and, uh, he's got horrible greasy hair."
• (Rik Mayall) "Didn't stop you with Nigel Lawson, did it?"

• (Rik Mayall) "Where do you pick up those five guinea words? Anything over two syllables and you usually have to have a lie down."

Berwick Kaler as Sheriff

• (Berwick Kaler) "Say, Is your buddy all right in the head?"
• (Rik Mayall) "It's too early to tell. There's a search party in there as we speak looking for his brain."

Michael Troughton as Piers

• (Michael Troughton) "Don't worry, Mrs B'stard, he is in the Royal Navy. He must be used to getting cream down his trousers."

• (Michael Troughton) "Alan's going to blow my brains out."
• (Rik Mayall) "I'm not that good a shot, Piers."

• (Michael Troughton) "Gosh, you're Victor Crosby? You were in my newspaper."
• (Rik Mayall) "Was he really, Piers? The last time I had something that white and flabby in my newspaper, it had just been fired in batter."

Lady Marcia Fitzalan-Howard as Sarah

• (Lady Marcia Fitzalan-Howard) "Where did you spend last night?"
• (Rik Mayall) "I had an all night sitting."
• (Lady Marcia Fitzalan-Howard) "Oh, I hope you didn't suffocate the poor girl."

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