Caddyshack Quotes

Caddyshack is a TV program that debuted in 1970 . Caddyshack completed its run in 1970.

It features Douglas Kenney as producer, Johnny Mandel in charge of musical score, and Stevan Larner as head of cinematography.

Caddyshack is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Caddyshack is 98 minutes long. Caddyshack is distributed by Warner Bros..

The cast includes: Bill Murray as Carl Spackler, Scott Colomby as Angie D'Annunzio, Chevy Chase as Ty Webb, Rodney Dangerfield as Al Czervik, Michael O'Keefe as Danny Noonan, John F. Barmon, Jr. as Spalding Smails, Ted Knight as Judge Smails, Henry Wilcoxon as Bishop, Scott Colomby as Joey D'Annunzio, Scott Colomby as Tony D'Annunzio, Cindy Morgan as Lacey Underall, Brian Doyle-Murray as Lou Loomis, Lois Kibbee as Mrs. Smails, Dan Resin as Dr. Beeper, Jackie Davis as Smoke Porterhouse, Albert Salmi as Pat Noonan, and Sarah Holcomb as Maggie O'Hooligan.

Caddyshack Quotes

Cindy Morgan as Lacey Underall

• (Cindy Morgan) "Hey Carey Grant; - want to get high?"
• (Terry the Hippie) "Wait a minute, I only got a little."
• (Cindy Morgan) "Then split, okay, Terry?"

• (Cindy Morgan) "Who's you decorator? Benihana?"
• (Chevy Chase) "No, I brought most of that stuff back with me from Vietnam."
• (Cindy Morgan) "You were in the war?"
• (Chevy Chase) "No -- homo. Much better now, though."

• (Cindy Morgan) "I bet you've got a lot of nice ties."
• (Chevy Chase) "How do you mean?"
• (Cindy Morgan) "Would you like to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?"

• (Cindy Morgan) "You're crazy."
• (Chevy Chase) "That's what they said about Son of Sam."

Henry Wilcoxon as Bishop

• (Richard Richards) "Better come in till this blows over."
• (Henry Wilcoxon) "What do you think, fella?"
• (Bill Murray) "I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff's gonna come down for quite awhile."
• (Henry Wilcoxon) "You're right. Anyway, the Good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life."

• (Henry Wilcoxon) "OH, RAT FART."

Ted Knight as Judge Smails

• (Ted Knight) "McFiddish, do you know what I just saw? A gopher. Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course?"
• (Groundskeeper Sandy) "Aye, Sir. I think they're tunneling in from that construction site over yonder."
• (Ted Knight) "Czervik Construction Company? Well, I slap an injunction on them so fast it'll make their head spin."

• (Ted Knight) "Danny, I'm having a party this weekend."
• (Ted Knight) "How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?"

• (Ted Knight) "Well? We're waiting."

• (Ted Knight) "Don't you people have jobs?"

• (Ted Knight) "Ohhh, Porterhouse."
• (Jackie Davis) "Yes SIR. Yes sir, Judge. Yes sir."
• (Ted Knight) "Look at the wax build up on those shoes. This is fine leather. I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois. And I want them now. Chop chop."
• (Jackie Davis) "You got it. Got 'em, Judge."

• (Ted Knight) "Do you stand for goodness, or; for badness ?"

• (Ted Knight) "You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself."
• (Chevy Chase) "Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch."

• (Ted Knight) "Yes. Yes. Winter rules."

• (Ted Knight) "Say, Fred, did you hear the one about the Jew, the Catholic, and the colored boy who went to heaven?"
• (Henry Wilcoxon) "Yeah, Judge, that's a doozy."

• (Ted Knight) "Spaulding, get dressed you're playing golf."
• (John F. Barmon, Jr.) "No I'm not grandpa I'm playing tennis."
• (Ted Knight) "You're playing golf and you're going to like it."
• (John F. Barmon, Jr.) "What about my asthma?"
• (Ted Knight) "I'll give you asthma."

• (Ted Knight) "It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat."
• (Ted Knight) "Okay, Pookie. Do the honors."

• (Ted Knight) "I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them."

• (Ted Knight) "Can I have a word with you? ln private?"
• (Chevy Chase) "Sure thing, Judge."
• (Ted Knight) "Listen, your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this club, he and I. And let's face it, some people simply do not belong. Let's not -- cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?"
• (Chevy Chase) "Let's make it $40,000."
• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Hey, great."
• (Chevy Chase) "You know, Judge, my dad -- never liked you."

• (Ted Knight) "Spalding get your foot off the boat."

• (Ted Knight) "You; you will never be a member of Bushwood."
• (Rodney Dangerfield) "A member? You think I actually want to join this scumatorium? The only reason I'm here is because I might buy it."

• (Ted Knight) "Ty, what did you shoot today?"
• (Chevy Chase) "Oh, Judge, I don't keep score."
• (Ted Knight) "Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?"
• (Chevy Chase) "By height."

• (Ted Knight) "Don't you people have homes?"

• (Ted Knight) "How about a Fresca?"

Rodney Dangerfield as Al Czervik

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?"

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Hey, that kangaroo just took my ball."

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?"
• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Oh, it looks good on you though."

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it."

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "He called me a baboon, he thinks I'm his wife."

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Whoa, did somebody step on a duck?"

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Fore."
• (Rodney Dangerfield) "I should have yelled, "Two.""

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Hey, Smails. My dinghy's bigger than your whole boat."

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it."

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?"

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "I almost got head from Amelia Earhart."

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Country clubs and cemeteries are the biggest wasters of prime real estate."

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Hey 'Whitey,' where's your hat?"
• (Rodney Dangerfield) "-- let's go while we're young."
• (Ted Knight) "Mind Sir? Trying to tee off."
• (Rodney Dangerfield) "-- I bet ya slice into the woods. A hundred bucks."
• (Ted Knight) "Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice."
• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Okay, you can owe me."
• (Ted Knight) "I owe you nothing."

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Hey, you scratched my anchor."

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "No respect."

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Hey. Can you make a Bullshot?"
• (Scott Colomby) "Can you make a shoe smell?"
• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Very funny. Why don't you get yourself a real haircut? Here, take this."

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?"
• (Ted Knight) "Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off."
• (Rodney Dangerfield) "I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods."
• (Ted Knight) "Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice."
• (Ted Knight) "Damn."
• (Rodney Dangerfield) "OK, you can owe me."
• (Ted Knight) "I owe you nothing."

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid."

• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity."

Chevy Chase as Ty Webb

• (Chevy Chase) "Let me tell you a little story? I once knew a guy who could have been a great golfer, could have gone pro, all he needed was a little time and practice. Decided to go to college instead. Went for four years, did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester he was kicked out -- You know what for? He was night putting, just putting at night with the fifteen-year-old daughter of the Dean -- You know who that guy was Danny?"
• (Michael O'Keefe) "No."
• (Chevy Chase) "Take one good guess."
• (Michael O'Keefe) "Bob Hope?"
• (Chevy Chase) "Ha ha -- No, that guy was Mitch Comstein, my roommate. He was a good guy."

• (Chevy Chase) "Don't be obsessed with your desires Danny. The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote, 'A flute with no holes, is not a flute. A donut with no hole, is a Danish.' He was a funny guy."

• (Chevy Chase) "The shortest distance between two points is a straight line in the complete and opposite direction."

• (Chevy Chase) "I was born to love you / I was born to lick your face / I was born to rub you / but you were born to rub me first / -- What do you say we take this out on the patio?"

• (Chevy Chase) "Guys, don't include me in this."
• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it."
• (Chevy Chase) "I don't play golf, for money, against people."
• (Rodney Dangerfield) "What are you, religious or something?"
• (Chevy Chase) "You might say that."

• (Chevy Chase) "This your place, Carl?"
• (Bill Murray) "Yeah, whatta ya think?"
• (Chevy Chase) "It's really -- awful."
• (Bill Murray) "Well, I got a lot of stuff on order. You know -- credit trouble."

• (Chevy Chase) "Remember Danny; Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left."

• (Chevy Chase) "I like you, Betty."
• (Michael O'Keefe) "Danny, sir."
• (Chevy Chase) "Danny."

• (Chevy Chase) "You take drugs, Danny?"
• (Michael O'Keefe) "Everyday."
• (Chevy Chase) "Good."

• (Chevy Chase) "You've got to win this hole."
• (Michael O'Keefe) "I kinda thought winning wasn't important"
• (Chevy Chase) "Me winning isn't. You do."
• (Michael O'Keefe) "Great grammar."

• (Chevy Chase) "Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny."
• (Michael O'Keefe) "It's hard when you're talking like that."

• (Chevy Chase) "Hey, don't put yourself down. You're not, uh -- you're not -- you're not good. You stink."

• (Chevy Chase) "Let me just clean this up here."
• (Chevy Chase) "Getting ready for the season."
• (Cindy Morgan) "Duck?"
• (Chevy Chase) "No -- dolphin."

• (Chevy Chase) "What brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape; How come you're here?"

• (Chevy Chase) "Thank you very little."

Bill Murray as Carl Spackler

• (Groundskeeper Sandy) "Carl. Damn your eyes. I told you, today is the day we change the holes. Now, do it, and no more slacking off."
• (Bill Murray) "I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner."

• (Bill Murray) "So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas."
• (Scott Colomby) "A looper?"
• (Bill Murray) "A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald -- striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one; big hitter, the Lama; long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga -- gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."

• (Bill Murray) "Your place got a pool?"
• (Chevy Chase) "We have a pond in the back. We have a pool and a pond -- Pond'd be good for you."

• (Bill Murray) "I got to get into this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who's the gopher's ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit."

• (Bill Murray) "I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think."

• (Bill Murray) "This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff."

• (Bill Murray) "This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion."

• (Bill Murray) "IT'S IN THE HOLE."

• (Bill Murray) "Oh, Mrs. Crane, I'm looking at you -- You wore green so you could hide. I don't blame you; you're a tramp. Ooh. That was right where you wanted it. Ooh Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman you know that? You're a little monkey woman -- You're lean and you're mean and you're not too far between either I bet, are ya? Would you like to wrap your spikes around my head?"

• (Bill Murray) "Bark like a dog."

• (Bill Murray) "In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, gopher'."

• (Bill Murray) "Freeze Gopher."

• (Bill Murray) "He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 iron I think."

• (Bill Murray) "Wait up, girls; I got a salami I gotta hide still."

• (Sandy) "I want you to kill every gopher on the course."
• (Bill Murray) "Check me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key --"
• (Sandy) "Gophers, ya great git. Not golfers. The little brown furry rodents."
• (Bill Murray) "We can do that -- we don't even have to have a reason."

Michael O'Keefe as Danny Noonan

• (Michael O'Keefe) "Well, I'm going to college too."
• (Chuck Schick) "Really -- are you going to Harvard?"
• (Michael O'Keefe) "No, St. Copius of northern --"
• (Chuck Schick) "Where?"
• (Cindy Morgan) "Hey Cary Grant -- you wanna get high?"
• (Terry the Hippie) "Wait a minute. I only got a little."
• (Cindy Morgan) "Then split, OK Terry?"
• (Terry the Hippie) "Sure."
• (Cindy Morgan) "Bye, Chuck."
• (Michael O'Keefe) "Guess I'm a little overdressed?"
• (Cindy Morgan) "Depends on what's underneath -- come on."

• (Michael O'Keefe) "I planned to go to law school after I graduated, but it looks like my folks won't have enough money to put me through college."
• (Ted Knight) "Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too."
• (Cindy Morgan) "Nice try."

• (Michael O'Keefe) "I want you to know that just because of this you don't have to stop seeing other people."

• (Michael O'Keefe) "I gotta go to college. I gotta."
• (Chevy Chase) "Oh, Danny, this isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia, is it? I didn't think so."

• (Michael O'Keefe) "Judge Smails, sir?"
• (Ted Knight) "Sit down, Danny."
• (Ted Knight) "Danny, I think you know why you are here, so I'll -- do us both the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday --"
• (Ted Knight) "Sorry. My niece is the kind of girl who has a certain -- zest of living. The last thing any of us need right now is a lot of loose talk about her behavior."
• (Michael O'Keefe) "I swear, I didn't tell anybody anything, sir."
• (Ted Knight) "Good. Good, good."
• (Ted Knight) "You know, despite what happened, I-I'm still convinced you have many fine qualities and I -- I think you can still become a gentleman some day if you understand and abide by the rules of decent society."
• (Ted Knight) "Danny, Danny, there's a lot of, uh, well, badness in the world today. I see it in court today. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't wanna do it, but felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what do you stand for, Danny? Goodness -- or badness?"
• (Michael O'Keefe) "I know I make some bad mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I wanna be good."
• (Ted Knight) "Good. Good, very good. You know, I -- I know how hard it is for young people today and I wanna help. Well, just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal, Mr. scholarship winner?"
• (Michael O'Keefe) "Yes, sir. I'm your pal."
• (Ted Knight) "How 'bout a Fresca?"

John F. Barmon, Jr. as Spalding Smails

• (Pre-deb) "What kind of sh t is this?"
• (John F. Barmon, Jr.) "It's the best, man-I got it from a negro."
• (John F. Barmon, Jr.) "You're probably so high already you don't even know it."

• (John F. Barmon, Jr.) "Doodie."

• (John F. Barmon, Jr.) "Turds."
• (Ted Knight) "Spaulding, how many times have I spoken to you about your language?"
• (John F. Barmon, Jr.) "Sorry grandpa I forgot."
• (Ted Knight) "Oh Dr. Beeper, Bishop Pickering this is my niece Lacey Underall. Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer."
• (Dan Resin) "Must be a nice change from dreary old Manhattan."
• (Cindy Morgan) "Yes I was really getting tired of having fun all the time."
• (Ted Knight) "Ah. Ho ho. Ha ha ha."
• (John F. Barmon, Jr.) "Double turds."
• (Ted Knight) "Spaulding."

• (John F. Barmon, Jr.) "This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and you don't even know it."

• (John F. Barmon, Jr.) "Ahoy polloi -- where did you come from, a scotch ad?"

Lois Kibbee as Mrs. Smails

• (Lois Kibbee) "Bless this ship, and all who sail on her. I christen thee The Flying WASP."

• (Lois Kibbee) "Elihu, will you come loofah my stretch marks?"

Scott Colomby as Tony D'Annunzio

• (Scott Colomby) "What do you got in here, rocks?"
• (Rodney Dangerfield) "Are you kiddin'? When I was your age, I would lug fifty pounds of ice up five, six flights of stairs."
• (Scott Colomby) "So what?"
• (Rodney Dangerfield) "So what?"
• (Rodney Dangerfield) "So let's dance."

• (Scott Colomby) "Your ball's right over there, go straight. You can't miss it. Mrs. Havercamp -- Mrs. Haver -- Mrs. Havercamp -- you'll need this."
• (Mrs. Havercamp) "Oh I might, at that."
• (Scott Colomby) "Mr. Havercamp, your ball's right over there, sir."
• (Scott Colomby) "No -- Mr. Havercamp. The green's right over there, sir."
• (Mrs. Havercamp) "Whee."
• (Mr. Havercamp) "That's a peach, hon. Oh, by golly -- I'm hot today."

• (Lifeguard) "You put your suit on."
• (Scott Colomby) "Go shave your ass."

• (Scott Colomby) "Another Rob Roy, Bishop?"
• (Henry Wilcoxon) "You never ask a Navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's god****ed business how many drinks he's had already, right?"
• (Ted Knight) "Wrong. You're drinking too much, Your Excellency."
• (Henry Wilcoxon) "Excellency, fiddlesticks. My name's Fred and I'm a man, same as you."
• (Ted Knight) "You're not a man, you're a bishop, for God's sakes."
• (Henry Wilcoxon) "There is no God --"

Brian Doyle-Murray as Lou Loomis

• (Brian Doyle-Murray) "I'm going to put it right on the line. There's been a lot of complaints already. Fooling around on the course, bad language, smoking grass, poor caddying. If you guys want to get fired. If you want to be replaced by golf carts, just keep it up."

• (Brian Doyle-Murray) "What's the sign say?"
• (Scott Colomby) "No bare feet."
• (Brian Doyle-Murray) "What's that sign say?"
• (Scott Colomby) "No fighting."
• (Brian Doyle-Murray) "What's that mean?"
• (Scott Colomby) "No fighting."
• (Brian Doyle-Murray) "You owe me one gumball machine. What's that candy wrapper doing there? Well don't you see it? Well pick it up."

Albert Salmi as Pat Noonan

• (Albert Salmi) "I saw that. That's about 4 dollars in change."
• (Michael O'Keefe) "I had a couple of burgers and some Cokes for lunch."
• (Albert Salmi) "How many Cokes?"
• (Michael O'Keefe) "Four or five."
• (Albert Salmi) "What are you, a diabetic?"
• (Michael O'Keefe) "I don't know."

Dan Resin as Dr. Beeper

• (Dan Resin) "I thought you'd be the man to beat this year."
• (Chevy Chase) "I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself."

Sarah Holcomb as Maggie O'Hooligan

Add or Update Quotes

If you have a quote to add or change and want to let us know, please fill in the form below. Include the time in the film/video if possible so we can find it.