Desperate Housewives Quotes

Desperate Housewives is a Comedy-drama; Mystery fiction; Soap opera that debuted in 2004 on American Broadcasting Company. Desperate Housewives ended in 2012.

Desperate Housewives aired for 8 seasons and 180 episodes. It features Charles Skouras III, Stephanie Hagen, Alexandra Cunningham, Jamie Gorenberg, Kevin Etten, Tracey Stern, Patty Lin, and Annie Weisman as producer, Danny Elfman as theme composer, and Steve Bartek; Stewart Copeland; Steve Jablonsky as composer. Desperate Housewives is executive produced by Marc Cherry, and Production_crew. Desperate Housewives is created by Marc Cherry.

Desperate Housewives is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Desperate Housewives is 43 minutes long. Desperate Housewives is produced by Marc Cherry; ABC Studios and distributed by Disney-ABC Domestic Television.

Desperate Housewives Quotes

• (Julie) "When was the last time you had sex?"
• (Julie) "Are you mad that I asked?"
• (Susan) "No, I'm just trying to remember."

• (Gabrielle) "I'll send you back to China and you'll be on a rice paddy before the epidural wears off."

• (Gabrielle) "Please calm down."
• (John Rowland) "This doesn't make any sense. Okay you love me. I know you love me."
• (Gabrielle) "Love isn't enough. Where would we live? Here? With your roommates? The only decoration in the bathroom is a bong."
• (John Rowland) "We could get our own place."
• (Gabrielle) "How? You're barely making minimum wage."
• (John Rowland) "Okay, sure. We'd be poor at first, but we'd be happy."
• (Gabrielle) "I've tried poor, but happy. Guess what? Wasn't that happy."

• (Julie) "Dear diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive."
• (Susan) "Shut up."

• (Rex) "So, these "tennis lessons" we're taking, how are we doing?"
• (Bree) "My backhand is improving greatly, but you're still having problems with your serve."

• (Mary Alice) "Yes, sooner or later we must all grow up. No-one knows this better than the young."

• (John Rowland) "This is great. Got tons of homework tonight. It's always easier to concentrate after sex."
• (Gabrielle) "Well, I'm glad I could help. Education's very important."

• (Yao Lin) "I don't like lies."
• (Gabrielle) "Yeah, well I don't like your ironing. So there."

• (Edie) "I don't trust friendly women."
• (Lynette) "That's ok, they don't trust you either."

• (Edie) "She never looked better."

• (Susan) "There's a good explanation for this, your father broke up with Edie last night."
• (Julie) "You had sex with him the night he broke up with Edie."
• (Susan) "I said it was a good explanation, not a great one."

• (Bree) "Oh, my heavenly days."

• (Bree) "Gabby, this is the way I see it, good friends offer to help in a crisis, great friends don't take no for an answer."

• (Bree) "The photographer's asking if he can get shots of the two of us."
• (Katherine Mayfair) "Wait. I need to talk to you first."
• (Bree) "I misunderstood the situation, that's all. Can we just leave it at that?"
• (Katherine Mayfair) "No, we can't. And do you know why? Because I thought things were going well. I was having fun with you. Obviously -- I misunderstood. So tell me, was there a straw that broke the camel's back? Or were you planning on killing me all along?"
• (Bree) "Here's the thing you need to understand about me and my friends. We each have our niche. Gabrielle's the glamorous one, Susan's the adorable one, Lynette's smart, Edie's -- Edie, and I am the domestic one, the organizer, the one that knows that there are three tines on a dessert fork. I'm the one who gets teased for that. That's who I am. And that's also who you are."
• (Katherine Mayfair) "So?"
• (Bree) "So -- I don't really know HOW to be friends with you."
• (Katherine Mayfair) "That's a shame, because I understand you better than all those other women do. I know how following the rules and all observing those little graces make you feel like you're in control. We've both had days where it was either set a beautiful table or curl up in a ball and die."
• (Katherine Mayfair) "We're the SAME, Bree. And if you think that means we can't be friends, then I'm sorry. But it might also mean we could be BEST friends."

• (Danielle Van De Kamp) "Why can't we ever have normal soups? Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?"
• (Bree Van De Kamp) "Well, Danielle, your father is deathly allergic to onions, and I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion with a response."

• (Betty Applewhite) "Bree, us widows have to stick together."

• (Gabrielle) "I want a sexy little convertible. And I want to buy one, right now."
• (Maserati Saleswoman) "I'll go start the paperwork."
• (Gabrielle) "Well, not this one. I -- vomited in this one."

• (Mary Alice) "An odd thing happens when we die, our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell and sound become a distant memory, but our sight? Ah, our sight expands and we can suddenly see the world we left behind so clearly. Of course most of what's visible to the dead could also be seen by the living, if they would only take the time to look."

• (Susan) "Julie, Mommy needs a hug."

• (Bree) "Maybe they'll just be happy for you."
• (Gabrielle) "Bree, my friends are models, they're not happy for anyone."

• (Bree) "Yes, well, I have some bad news. Rex died."

• (Tom) "Forget I said it."
• (Lynette) "It's too late, you just said it."

• (Bree) "What the hell did your mother do to you?"

• (Bree) "When is your midlife crisis going to end, because it's really starting to tick me off."

• (Carlos) "We're not very nice people, are we?"
• (Gabrielle) "No. We're not."
• (Carlos) "Aw, when we got married I thought we were gonna be so happy."
• (Gabrielle) "Me too."
• (Gabrielle) "Look on the bright side; at least we're still rich."
• (Carlos) "Thank God for that."

• (Susan) "What are you smiling about?"
• (Mike Delfino) "I used to have all these questions about how you got to be the way you are. They were all just answered."

• (Edie) "What the hell kind of street do we live on, anyway?"

• (Rex) "Look at you -- going out?"
• (Bree) "Not that it's any of your business, but I have a date."
• (Rex) "A date -- what kind of date?"
• (Bree) "Rex, I don't want to say anything that might upset you. The doctor said any more stress could cause another heart attack."
• (Bree) "It's a romantic date with a single, attractive man and I intend to french the hell out of him."

• (Susan) "It was an accident, Karl. Edie knows it was an accident, right?"
• (Karl) "She knows you could've killed her. As it is, she's got a shattered tibia."
• (Susan) "Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I sent roses. Did she get the roses?"
• (Karl) "Yep, she cut herself with the thorns."

• (Sister Mary Bernard) "Money can't buy happiness."
• (Gabrielle) "Sure it can. That's just a lie we tell poor people to keep them from rioting."

• (Unnamed) "You're not willing to get a divorce, but you're willing to have an affair?"
• (Gabrielle) "I said I was Catholic, not a fanatic."

• (Susan) "Do you believe in evil, Edie?"
• (Edie) "Of course I believe in evil; I work in real estate."

• (Zach Young) "Thank you, Mrs. Van De Kamp."
• (Bree) "For what?"
• (Zach Young) "Remembering my mother."

• (John Rowland) "You know what I don't get?"
• (Gabrielle) "What?"
• (John Rowland) "Why you married Mr. Solis."
• (Gabrielle) "Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted."
• (John Rowland) "Well, did he?"
• (Gabrielle) "Yes."
• (John Rowland) "Then -- why aren't you happy?"
• (Gabrielle) "Turns out I wanted all the wrong things."
• (John Rowland) "So. Do you love him?"
• (Gabrielle) "I do."
• (John Rowland) "Well, then, why are we here? Why are we doing this?"
• (Gabrielle) "Because I don't wanna wake up some morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out."

• (Gabrielle) "The way I see it is that good friends support each other after something bad has happened, great friends act as if nothing has happened."
• (Bree) "Well, then, good luck on your remodel."

• (Tom) "I love you because you did the right thing, and I admire your bravery."
• (Lynette) "And I love you because you find ways to compliment me when you could just say, "I told you so.""
• (Lynette) "You just signed "I told you so", didn't you?"
• (Tom) "You'll never prove it."

• (Carlos) "Hey, Gabby, aren't we breast feeding?"
• (Gabrielle) "Oh, honey, if you could swing that one, more power to ya."

• (Bree) "Girls, you don't understand. This poor kid is scared out of his mind."
• (Gabrielle) "Oh, for God's sake, Bree. You're a woman. Manipulate him. That's what we do."
• (Bree) "But how?"
• (Gabrielle) "I don't know. How did you usually manipulate Rex?"

• (Bree) "You look magnificent."

• (Bree) "George. This is so much better than an orchid."

• (Karl) "The heart wants what it wants."
• (Susan) "Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I'm able to control myself."

• (Susan) "Hey, Edie."
• (Edie) "Wow, get a load of you. You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you."

• (Edie) "Wow, get a load of you. You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you."
• (Susan) "Yeah -- I have a date -- with Mike. We kissed, FYI --"
• (Edie) "So, how was the big date?"
• (Susan) "Mike had to reschedule."
• (Edie) "Aww -- 'cause of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? How devastating for you -- FYI."

• (George Williams) "Where are you going Bree?"
• (Bree) "I'm taking my champagne and ageing eggs and I'm going."

• (Edie) "I know who she is. She's a man eating, scum sucking hoe bag."

• (Rex) "For God's sake, you promised to be supportive."
• (Bree) "What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?"

• (Bree) "How could we have all forgotten about this?"
• (Lynette) "We didn't exactly forget. It's just usually when the hostess dies, the party is off."

• (Lynette) "Hi. My baby-sitter cancelled."
• (Bree) "I've got millions of errands to run so --"
• (Lynette) "Please hear me out, this is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours; there are actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress, I have make-up on."
• (Bree) "If it were any other day?"
• (Lynette) "Oh, for God's sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose."

• (Julie) "I always assumed I'd have sex for the first time before you had it again."

• (Mary Alice) "Trust is a fragile thing. Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom. But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover. Of course the truth is, we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us, and total strangers can come to our rescue. In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned."

• (Bree) "I love sex. I love everything about it: the sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then when you add friction. MMMmmmm. The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself; two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean obviously it has its practical applications but I'm just not a fan."

• (George Williams) "Well -- I'll see you, Dr. Van De Kamp."
• (Rex) "Please, you're dating my wife. Call me Rex."

• (Betty Applewhite) "In the future, leave the cleverness to me."

• (Lynette) "Do you know what psychological warfare is?"
• (Porter Scavo) "No?"
• (Lynette) "Too bad for you."

• (Rex) "Are we gonna talk about what I said?"
• (Bree) "If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled Chicks and Dudes, you are out of your mind."

• (Nora Huntington) "You think I'm crazy."
• (Lynette Scavo) "No. You're -- colorful. Colorful in a way that might respond to medication."

• (Andrew Van De Kamp) "Isn't that weird? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes."

• (Danielle) "We're not like other families, are we?"

• (Edie) "Well, someone might as well say it -- Susan, what the hell have you been smoking?"

• (Gabrielle) "Before we got married we made a deal, remember? No kids."
• (Carlos) "Deals are meant to be renegotiated."
• (Gabrielle) "We're not negotiating my uterus."

• (Dr. Goldfine) "Bree, how does this reconciliation have a chance if the two of you can't be honest about the innermost parts of your lives?"
• (Bree) "We're, um, WASPs, Dr. Goldfine. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best."
• (Dr. Goldfine) "You'd settle for that; a life filled with repression and denial?"
• (Bree) "And dinner parties. Don't forget the dinner parties."

• (Bree) "You've obviously never had to remove a cheese stain."

• (Bree) "Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection."

• (Tom) "Oh Cram, I gotta Crap for that test."

• (Susan) "Are you OK?"
• (Gabrielle) "Yeah, I just didn't realise how disgusting meat can be."

• (Lynette) "Why don't I just put them back in me and cook 'em until they're civilized?"
• (Tom) "You'd be cool with that?"

• (Felicia Tilman) "Don't look shocked, Martha, makes your face look fat."

• (Gabrielle) "I don't even know who to be angry at."
• (Father Crowley) "Don't be angry, be thankful, children are a gift."
• (Gabrielle) "I don't have time for this crap."

• (Paul Young) "Will I have to tell them about my wife's death in the house?"
• (Edie) "Yeah. Legal crap. People get really freaked out by suicides. Hell, I get the willies just standing here."
• (Paul Young) "Is there any other option?"
• (Edie) "Well, you could say that she shot herself in the house, then crawled out back to die --"

• (Bree) "Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it."

• (Lynette Scavo) "My favorite game is counting all the things I'm dying to say to you, but I don't. Like -- "pipe down, you annoying nutjob." I could NEVER say that."

• (Gabrielle) "The only person more self-centred than me is Carlos, he's so self-centred he doesn't even know how self-centred I am."

• (Mary Alice) "Human beings are designed for many things. Loneliness isn't one of them."

• (Edie) "You could have an affair with anyone and you choose the pharmacist? You are such a Republican."

• (Mary Alice) "It's a rare man that understands the value of a perfect rose."

• (Paul Young) "You know, Julie is a very special girl."
• (Zach Young) "I know."
• (Paul Young) "She could have just about any boy she wants -- I think you're a wonderful kid, I do, but you're not that special, Zach, not really."

• (Danielle Van De Kamp) "Hello."
• (Matthew Applewhite) "Oh, hello."
• (Danielle Van De Kamp) "Looking for something?"
• (Matthew Applewhite) "Uh, yeah. I was looking for you."
• (Danielle Van De Kamp) "Oh, really?"
• (Matthew Applewhite) "Yeah, the day we first met, I thought you were pretty cool."
• (Danielle Van De Kamp) "So I'm wondering when you were going to ask me out."
• (Danielle Van De Kamp) "'Cause I'll say 'yes'."

Add or Update Quotes

If you have a quote to add or change and want to let us know, please fill in the form below. Include the time in the film/video if possible so we can find it.