Family Guy Quotes

Family Guy is a Animated sitcom that appeared on TV in 1999 on Fox Broadcasting Company. Family Guy completed its run in 1970.

Family Guy was on for 17 seasons. It features Shannon Smith, Julius Sharpe, Kara Vallow; Steve Marmel, and Sherry Gunther as producer, Seth MacFarlane; Alex Borstein; Seth Green; Lacey Chabert; Mila Kunis; Mike Henry doing voices, Walter Murphy as theme composer, and Ron Jones, and Walter Murphy as composer. Family Guy is executive produced by Seth MacFarlane, David Zuckerman, Daniel Palladino, David A. Goodman, Chris Sheridan, Danny Smith, Mark Hentemann, Steve Callaghan, Alec Sulkin, Wellesley Wild, and Richard Appel. Family Guy is created by Seth MacFarlane.

Family Guy is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Family Guy is 20-23 minutes, and 45 minutes long. Family Guy is produced by Fuzzy Door Productions; 20th Century Fox Television and distributed by 20th Television.

Family Guy Quotes

(Meg Griffin) "Can I be in the play, Mom?"
(Stewie Griffin) "Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive."

(Brian Griffin) "Are we allowed to have a different opinion?"

(Tom Tucker) "Coming up next: A story on conveniently-placed news stories in television shows. But first, Peter, watch out for that skateboard."

(Lois Griffin) "I'm sorry that Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's."
(Brian Griffin) "'Mr. T' by Mr. T. 'T and Me' by George Peppard. 'For The Last Time, I'm Not Mr. T' by Ving Rhames."

(Stewie Griffin) "Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES."
(Lois Griffin) "Oh, you want you toy back. Here yo go."
(Stewie Griffin) "Yes -- well -- VICTORY IS MINE."
(Stewie Griffin) "BLAST."

(Peter Griffin) "Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty."
(Peter Griffin) "I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now."

(Peter Griffin) "The South? Isn't that where the black people are really lazy, and the white people are equally as lazy, but they're mad at the black people for being so lazy?"

(Peter Griffin) "I think your father's Gay."
(Glen Quagmire) "Gay? We should all be so Gay."

(Peter Griffin) "Don't worry Lois. I'll handle this. I read a book about this kind of thing once."
(Brian Griffin) "Are you sure it was in a book? Are you sure it wasn't -- nothing?"
(Peter Griffin) "Oh, yeah."

(Cleveland) "I have a weird fat boy too. Would you like a hug?"
(Peter Griffin) "Birthdays are the hardest."

(Stewie Griffin) "This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans."
(Unnamed) "Item 157 -- Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids?"
(Stewie Griffin) "OOH. OOH. ME. ME."
(Unnamed) "I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?"
(Stewie Griffin) "BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH."

(Lois Griffin) "Just a little higher, honey."
(Meg Griffin) "Mom, I don't think I can --"
(Girl) "Who's holding Lois?"
(Unnamed) "Some guy named Mel."

(Brian Griffin) "Come on, I'll show the channel Lois doesn't know about."
(Lois Griffin) "Brian what -- Chris go to your room. Meg take Stewie upstairs."
(Stewie Griffin) "Wait. That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snake bite."

(Unnamed) "You think you have won, you think all is well. Well kiss my green ass, I'll see you in hell."

(Glen Quagmire) "I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through."

(Peter Griffin) "How about a kiss, Justin?"
(Unnamed) "Uh, sure, Britney."
(Unnamed) "Aaahh."
(Peter Griffin) "He, he, he, he. I'm Gene Shalit now."

(Meg Griffin) "Can you please teach me how to drive?"
(Brian Griffin) "Meg, you might want to find a better driver then Peter."
(Peter Griffin) "What are you talking about? I'm a great driver."
(Brian Griffin) "Oh, yeah. Remember your trip to the Southwest."
(Unnamed) "Meep Meep."
(Brian Griffin) "Oh my God. Did I just hit that ostrich?"
(Unnamed) "No."
(Peter Griffin) "Are you sure?"
(Unnamed) "Yeah. Keep going."

(Lois Griffin) "Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I can guarantee that a man made that commercial."
(Peter Griffin) "Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner."

(Stewie Griffin) "The port is quite good."
(Brian Griffin) "Yes, quite good."
(Chris Griffin) "Indeed."
(Peter Griffin) "Most certainly."
(Brian Griffin) "What year is it?"
(Chris Griffin) "'51."
(Peter Griffin) "Ah."
(Stewie Griffin) "Delectable."
(Brian Griffin) "Indeed."
(Chris Griffin) "Yes."
(Peter Griffin) "Oh, dear."
(Brian Griffin) "What is it?"
(Peter Griffin) "I spontaneously combusted."
(Stewie Griffin) "Oh, I am sorry."
(Peter Griffin) "Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living."
(Stewie Griffin) "Ah, very good then."
(Chris Griffin) "For the best."
(Brian Griffin) "Yes, indeed."
(Stewie Griffin) "Tsk-uh. Is it raining again?"

(Peter) "To you she may be worth a million dollars. But to me she's worthless."

(Lois Griffin) "Peter, you've never done anything creative in your life."
(Peter Griffin) "That's not true. I wrote "Bonfire of the Vanities"."
(Lois Griffin) "No, you didn't."
(Peter Griffin) "You win this round, Lois."

(Peter Griffin) "Nothing else has worked this far / So I wish upon a star / Wonderous shining speck of light / I need a Jew / Lois makes me take the rap / Cause our checkbook looks like crap / Since I can't give her a slap / I need a Jew / Where to find / A Baum or Steen or Stein / To teach me how to whine and do my taaaaaxesss -- / Though by many they're abhorred / Hebrew people I've adored / I don't think they killed my Lord / I need a Jew."

(Glen Quagmire) "Fat chicks need lovin too, but they gotta pay."

(Stewie Griffin) "Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here."

(Brian Griffin) "Hey, aah -- You two better settle down -- Aah -- Chris give Meg her hat --"
(Chris Griffin) "I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog. You don't have a soul."
(Brian Griffin) "Ow."

(Doctor) "Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine."
(Peter Griffin) "Now what? Are you coming on to me?"
(Lois Griffin) "Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy."
(Doctor) "-- Can't it be both?"

(Dennis Miller) "I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate --"
(Peter Griffin) "What the hell does rant mean?"

(Lois Griffin) "Peter, did you take care of that --"
(Peter Griffin) "What? Oh, my growth. Yeah, I had the doctor looking at it."
(Doctor) "Mr. Griffin, that isn't your growth, that's your penis."
(Peter Griffin) "What about the --"
(Doctor) "Testicles."

(Chris Griffin) "Are we there yet?"
(Lois Griffin) "No, Chris, honey, we're not."
(Chris Griffin) "Are we there yet?"
(Lois Griffin) "No, Chris."
(Chris Griffin) "Are we there yet?"
(Lois Griffin) "Yes, Chris, yes, okay? We're there."
(Chris Griffin) "Liar."

(Peter Griffin) "Aw, don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain, you still live in exciting times."
(Peter Griffin) "Aww, crap."
(Unnamed) "Sir, do you know how loud you were reading?"
(Peter Griffin) "The-life-of-a-silver-smith's-apprentice-was-not-an-easy-one --"

(Stewie Griffin) "Sorry, this for me is like: No Biggie."

(Unnamed) "Mom, uh, I really like Potsy."
(Unnamed) "Well, Potsy's a nice boy, dear. Why shouldn't you like him?"
(Unnamed) "No, I mean -- I really like Potsy."
(Unnamed) "We heard you the first time, son, you've got a homosexual attraction to Potsy."

(Stewie Griffin) "Jeffrey. Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth."

(Unnamed) "You got the stuff?"
(Unnamed) "Yeah I got it, where's the money, huh? I wanna see the money."
(Unnamed) "No, no, no, you don't see the money 'till I see the stuff."
(Stewie Griffin) "Oh, for God's sake, there's only one way to put an end to this nuisance."
(Stewie Griffin) "HE'S WEARING A WIRE."
(Unnamed) "What? You son of a --"

(Chris Griffin) "Dad, what's the blowhole for?"
(Peter Griffin) "I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World."

(Glen Quagmire) "Hey, Lois, wanna go out?"
(Lois Griffin) "Oh, Glen, I don't know if I'm ready yet --"
(Glen Quagmire) "Are you ready now?"

(Black Knight) "Hey, what's your fat ass doing here?"
(Man) "He's my only means of conveyance."

(Stewie) "No, you idiot. That's not baby powder, that's paprika. Ahhhhhh. Take that."

(Peter Griffin) "Do you have any past injuries, physical anomalies?"
(Peter Griffin) "Well, I didn't have gas for the first time 'til I was 30."
(Peter Griffin) "What the hell was that?"

(Chris Griffin) "Cheesy Charlie's is great. They have a game where you put in a dollar and you get four quarters. I win every time."

(Peter Griffin) "I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together."
(Announcer) "This show contains adult content, and is brought to you by the letter H."
(Unnamed) "Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way."
(Unnamed) "Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's."
(Unnamed) "Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert."
(Unnamed) "Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed."
(Unnamed) "Bert, you're shouting again, Bert."

(Glen Quagmire) "Does this look like a Q to you?"

(Peter Griffin) "We're going to grandpa Griffin's retirement party."
(Meg Griffin) "But we haven't seen grandpa in a long time."
(Lois Griffin) "Well, Meg your grandfather isn't comfortable with me since I'm not a catholic."

(Brian Griffin) "I've been to New York. It's like Prague sans the whimsy."

(Meg Griffin) "Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez."
(Chris Griffin) "That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny."

(Peter Griffin) "Excuse me but I'm pretty sure the north won the war."

(Unnamed) "Santa can't be Asian. He doesn't drive 20 miles an hour under the speed limit with his blinker on."

(Stewie Griffin) "Come any closer and I'll cut her."
(Stewie Griffin) "I'll give her a series of splinters -- that could become infected."

(Unnamed) "Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself."
(Stewie Griffin) "I don't care if they --"
(Stewie Griffin) "Oh -- oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good news. I've decided not to kill you."

(Cleveland) "Oh Quagmire, you are what the Spanish call, "El Terrible"."

(Peter Griffin) "Hey, what's your friend's name?"
(Unnamed) "Dick Armey."
(Peter Griffin) "No, seriously, what is it?"
(Unnamed) "-- Dick Armey."
(Peter Griffin) "Hey, Armey, what's your wife's name, Vagina Coastguard?"
(Unnamed) "Oh, I just got that."

(Tom Tucker) "In local news, a Buddy Cianci High School student was caught with a lot of cocaine in his locker. He was sentenced to 100 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy. And now we go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast, Ollie."
(Ollie Williams) "He gonna get it."

(Peter) "I've got your first headline, Meg. Lois, I challenge you to a race around the world. GO."
(Lois) "What?"

(Peter Griffin) "Oh, okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let 'im kill?"
(Brian Griffin) "That's, that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible."
(Peter Griffin) "Wrong. It's the ugly one."

(Lois Griffin) "To hell with the cameras. How could we ever let them replace our little girl? Oh, I miss her, Peter."
(Peter Griffin) "Me, too. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn't as good-looking or successful and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin, damn it."

(Unnamed) "Hey. Hey. Get that"
(Unnamed) "camera out of my face."

(Unnamed) "I recommend these frames. They were made for an Intergalactic Homosexual."

(Peter Griffin) "There has to be some explanation for this."
(Brian Griffin) "You want an explanation?"
(Brian Griffin) "GOD"
(Brian Griffin) "IS"
(Brian Griffin) "PISSED."

(Stewie Griffin) "I know this guy who sells pills that cure addictions --"

(Unnamed) "It's from Romeo and Juliet. But what would you know, you're in no way British."

(Lois Griffin) "Oh my god. He's going to wipe that species off the face of the earth."
(Peter Griffin) "Nah, the janitor will take care of that."

(Peter Griffin) "If I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I stand here and get lectured by pervert."

(Stewie Griffin) "Look, I'm writing profanity on the walls."

(Stewie) "My God, I'm to entrust my life to a turtle; nature's "D" student?"

(Unnamed) "Turn left at fork in road. In Soviet Russia, road forks you."

(Lois Griffin) "Chris, that's a terrible word. Nipple."

(Brian Griffin) "I've done worse. I replaced Peter's I Can't Believe it's Not Butter with real Butter --"
(Peter Griffin) "What -- I -- Can't -- Believe --"
(Peter Griffin) "WAAAH. WAAH."
(Lois Griffin) "Yes, but Doctor, I think it might have been real butter."
(Doctor) "Your husband killed three children."

(Lois Griffin) "Peter, where the hell have you been? We had a date."
(Peter Griffin) "Oh sorry, honey, I must have lost track of the time. But what do you say, eh? 'Think the guys will like it?"
(Lois Griffin) "This is why you missed our dinner? To make a bar for your friends?"
(Peter Griffin) "Yeah, isn't it great? Oh boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record."

(Chris Griffin) "All right, dad. Fight the machine."
(Stewie Griffin) "How does he know about the machine?"

(Stewie Griffin) "The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't -- I have no problem -- it's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh -- I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God. Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?""

(Peter Griffin) "I did not care for The Godfather. It insists upon itself."

(Meg Griffin) "I want to be a vet when I grow up."
(Peter Griffin) "Meg, we have been over this before. You are going to gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty Fan Fiction."

(Peter Griffin) "1 million dollars."
(Lois Griffin) "Brian, that sounded like Peter."
(Peter Griffin) "Money, money, money."

(Chris Griffin) "I'm so hungry I could ride a horse --. I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store I guess."

(Peter Griffin) "}: It's just like Special K. But what do they do with regular K? And for that matter, what happened to Kay Ballard? You know, if you said Mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like Ballard."
(Brian Griffin) "Do you ever listen to yourself talk?"
(Peter Griffin) "I drift in and out."

(Peter Griffin) "Where did you get that?"
(Death) "It was e-mailed to me by your HMO."

(Chris Griffin) "See, my dad's smarter than yours."
(Meg Griffin) "We have the same dad, lardo."
(Chris Griffin) "Yeah, but mine's smarter."

(Tooth #1) "I claim this mouth in the name of incisor."
(Tooth #2) "Not so fast."
(Tooth #1) "Ah, bicuspid, we meet again. En garde."

(Peter Griffin) "Buttscratcher?"

(Stewie Griffin) "What the hell is this?"
(Lois Griffin) "It's your favourite honey, tuna salad."
(Stewie Griffin) "Oh,really, is that what it is? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food."

(Peter Griffin) "The Great Gatsby. A book written by the only respected guy called Scott."

(Mr. Rogers) "Hello, neighbor."

(Lois Griffin) "I'll be just like Hillary Clinton, only you know, without the penis."

(Peter Griffin) "Hi. I'm in the other room and I'm trying to get some sleep."
(Unnamed) "Look, a wagon wheel."
(Peter Griffin) "What the hell's your problem?"
(Unnamed) "I just smoked a whole bunch of crack."

(Peter Griffin) "Some say Love it is a River that drowns the tender Reed/ Some say Love it is a Razor that leaves your Soul to Bleed --"

(Peter Griffin) "Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a brewery."

(Chris Griffin) "Where do you think you go when you die?"
(Unnamed) "I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come."
(Chris Griffin) "UPN?"

(Lois) "Chris, that's a terrible word. p*****willow."

(Unnamed) "Bye, Dad. Don't wait up."
(Ronald McDonald) "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, Lisa. Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on."
(Unnamed) "But, Dad --"
(Ronald McDonald) "Upstairs. You're a McDonald, not a whore."

(Peter Griffin) "You know, I oughta just give you some beer. Goes straight through you."
(Stewie Griffin) "Wonderful. And while we're at it, we can light up a doobie and watch porn."
(Peter Griffin) "Eh -- yeah?"

(Peter Griffin) "Dad, now that you're retired, you're staying with us. No arguments, I'm putting my foot down."
(Francis Griffin) "I don't want to be a bother."
(Peter Griffin) "It's no bother, is it Lois?"
(Lois Griffin) "Of course not, we'd love to have you stay."
(Francis Griffin) "You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies."
(Peter Griffin) "You hear that Lois? You love kids."

(Stewie Griffin) "You and I are / So awfully different / Too awfully different / To ever be pals"
(Stewie Griffin) "Do you want to go first?"
(Brian Griffin) "Yeah, I'll go. Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade /"
(Stewie Griffin) "Oh, you're one to talk. You get a stiffy from Felicia Rashad /"
(Brian Griffin) "Oh, one time."
(Stewie Griffin) "I've a style flair / Just look at my hip hair"
(Brian Griffin) "Oh yeah, that; that's quite a nice do there /"
(Stewie Griffin) "Oh, thanks."
(Brian Griffin) "For me to POOP on."
(Stewie Griffin) "What?"
(Brian Griffin) "Oh, come on. You look like Charlie Brown."
(Stewie Griffin) "Oh, bite me, Snoopy."
(Stewie Griffin) "There's not / A whole lot / That we've got / To agree on"
(Brian Griffin) "'Cause I love the strings of a classical score /"
(Stewie Griffin) "And I like that singer who looks like a whore /"
(Brian Griffin) "Ricky Martin?"
(Stewie Griffin) "Love him."
(Stewie Griffin) "We're too different to ever be pals /"

(Stewie Griffin) "I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself."

(Unnamed) "John Lennon said that Love is the answer. He also said No thanks, every hot woman in the World, I'll take this girl who crawled out of the Well in The Ring who all my friends hate --"

(Peter Griffin) "Hold on, hold on. I'm sorry, but that is a really boring story. I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie."

(James Woods) "Oooh, a piece of candy."

(Brian Griffin) "You got anything on that remote lower than Mute?"

(Lois Griffin) "Peter."
(Peter Griffin) "Um -- Lee Majors said it."
(Lee Majors) "What? Women are things."

(Mr. Fargas) "Today, we are going to dissect -- a clown. Well, it's no wonder this clown died. His lungs were filled with candy."

(Lois Griffin) "Glen, I need your help."
(Glen Quagmire) "Sure, Lois. I'd do everything to you."
(Lois Griffin) "What?"
(Glen Quagmire) "I'd do anything for you."

(Unnamed) "How about some whipped cream --"
(Peter Griffin) "Ohh. That's always good."
(Unnamed) "-- and some cinnamon."
(Peter Griffin) "Ohh. Oh, that's good too."
(Unnamed) "And then guess what? I'm going to add --"
(Peter Griffin) "Ah, Jeez. If she says "Mrs. Dash" I'm going to lose it."

(Brian Griffin) "Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?"
(Peter Griffin) "If by "read", you mean "imagined a naked lady", then yes."

(Tom Tucker) "Coming up next: Can bees think? A new study indicates that no, they cannot."

(Brian Griffin) "Look at you. You spent all that time making Chris jealous and now you have an eating disorder."
(Stewie Griffin) "Help me up."
(Brian Griffin) "I would but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting."

(Unnamed) "License and reg -- hey, aren't you the guy who found out he's part black?"
(Peter Griffin) "Yes I am."
(Unnamed) "Report of a possible stolen vehicle."
(Peter Griffin) "But this is my car."
(Unnamed) "Suspect becoming beligerent."
(Peter Griffin) "Wha --"
(Unnamed) "Officer down."

(Peter Griffin) "Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself."

(Stewie Griffin) "Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that."

(Dotty Campbell) "Peter, can I get you a beer? I've got Bush."
(Dotty Campbell) "Oh, and Bush Lite."

(Peter Griffin) "We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids. Help me scatter garbage on the front lawn."

(Peter Griffin) "Lois told me to clean the windows, wash the siding, and clean the gutters. To most normal guys, that's three jobs. To Peter Griffin and his big hose, that's one job."
(Cleveland) "You're not working hard, Peter. You're working smart."

(Lois Griffin) "I feel you, Meg."
(Meg Griffin) "Shut up."
(Lois Griffin) "You shut up."

(Meg Griffin) "You should go with him. This will be your chance to be alone with dad."
(Chris Griffin) "I'm not attracted to dad."
(Meg Griffin) "No, tell him you don't want to be in the scouts anymore."
(Chris Griffin) "OH."
(Meg Griffin) "Yipes."

(Stewie Griffin) "Oh, let me guess. Another box with a crank that I turn and turn and turn until -- whoo -- a clown pops out. Then you laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs, and I die a little more inside."

(Peter Griffin) "I bet I laugh so hard I shoot milk out my nose."
(Brian Griffin) "Uh, Peter, this is Brooke -- she's having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago."

(Peter Griffin) "What you're forgetting is that anyone who doesn't want to go to War is Gay."

(Lois Griffin) "Meg -- is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week?"
(Meg Griffin) "It's easy -- when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha --"
(Peter Griffin) "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager?"
(Lois Griffin) "Peter, she's sixteen."
(Peter Griffin) "You KNEW about this?"

(Stewie Griffin) "Damn you. Damn the broccoli. Damn the Wright Brothers."

(Angry Man) "Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby."
(Stewie Griffin) "What did you just say?"
(Lois Griffin) "Stewie, stop fussing."
(Stewie Griffin) "Pipe down Lois. Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch."
(Stewie Griffin) "Wah wah wah my ears are popping and there's no way to console me Wah. Maybe I'm teething, Maybe I'm hungry, who knows? I'm a baby."

(Peter Griffin) "Hey, where's my VCR?"
(Unnamed) "Dangit, Buck, it's my turn to use the sex box."
(Unnamed) "It's my sex box. And her name is Sony."

(Chris Griffin) "So, what are you wearing?"
(Chris Griffin) "Wow. I bet you can see right through that."
(Lois Griffin) "Chris, who are you talking to?"
(Chris Griffin) "Grandma."

(Stewie Griffin) "I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now?"
(Brian Griffin) "Well, you'd be a black man."
(Stewie Griffin) "Whoa. You've got to work on that, you know? Bad dog."

(Chris Griffin) "It'll be a good chance to get away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet."

(Peter Griffin) "We know the problem, we'll all depressed. Let's go and stare out of separate windows of the house."

(Unnamed) "Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?"
(Stewie) "Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country."
(Unnamed) "Yee, would your people really do this?"
(Stewie) "Try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen who in turn sells them to Ura's people so that they can ethnically clense the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other."

(Stewie Griffin) "I've done it."
(Stewie Griffin) "Whoa. Oh, god**** it."

(Chris Griffin) "If I had a hole in my neck, I'd put pennies in it."

(Lois) "You see Meg, I'm like one of those Bald eagles on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at -- but mess with one of my baby chicks and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your"
(Lois) "-- ing eyes out. Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate chip?"

(Lois Griffin) "Peter, punish Chris."
(Peter Griffin) "Son, I'm watching the game, you know what to do."
(Chris Griffin) "OW. OW. OW. OW. This hurts me more than it hurts you."

(Brian Griffin) "No, Peter. Martin Luther King."
(Peter Griffin) "What about the guy who was in Space: The Final Frontier?"
(Brian Griffin) "That was Martin Landau."
(Peter Griffin) "What about the guy who was in House Party?"
(Brian Griffin) "That was Martin Lawrence."
(Peter Griffin) "What about the drink that you put on ice?"
(Brian Griffin) "That's Martini And Rossi."
(Peter Griffin) "What about the guy who was in Apocalypse Now?"
(Brian Griffin) "He was Mar -- Mar -- something."
(Peter Griffin) "Wrong. It was Tom Beringer. We were looking for Tom Beringer."
(Brian Griffin) "Well, thanks for having me on the show. I really enjoyed it."
(Brian Griffin) "Wait a minute."

(Unnamed) "I find you guilty of arson, so you are free to go -- straight to jail. HA. Now YOU got burned -- No bail."

(Meg Griffin) "You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me."
(Death) "Well, that would just leave England."

(Unnamed) "We're still here. How come we weren't Raptured?"
(Unnamed) "I know. We hated all the right things."

(Lois Griffin) "$49.95? Are you sure we can afford this?"
(Peter Griffin) "Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes -- nickels and boobs -- money."

(Peter Griffin) "Huh, I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to?"
(Unnamed) "We now return to The Scooby-Doo Murder Files."
(Fred Jones) "Gee whiz, gang. Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river."
(Unnamed) "Jinkies. What a mystery."
(Scooby-Doo) "Arroo."
(Fred Jones) "You're right Scoob, we're dealing with one sick son of a bitch."

(Stewie Griffin) "I'm not supposed to use my voice for non-paying stuff, Brian."

(Randy Savage) "I must be in Quahog, cause all I see is a bunch of hicks."

(Chris Griffin) "Then that is what I shall do, unless Slenderman instructs me otherwise."

(Lois Griffin) "Hello?"
(Peter Griffin) "Lois? I can't take out the garbage because they're keeping me late at the office."
(Lois Griffin) "Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact -- I can see you."
(Peter Griffin) "Can you see me now?"
(Lois Griffin) "No."
(Peter Griffin) "Okay, now I'm at the office."

(Peter Griffin) "This is life so go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have -- my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog."

(Stewie Griffin) "I don't need to $@%# impress you."

(Stewie Griffin) "Why the hell did we get off here?"
(Brian Griffin) "My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make piece with her."
(Stewie Griffin) "So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way?"
(Brian Griffin) "Yes."
(Stewie Griffin) "All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway -- we've now got to walk."
(Brian Griffin) "Pretty much. Yeah."
(Stewie Griffin) "You know what this means?"
(Brian Griffin) "Yeah."

(Mort Goldman) "Muriel was so much better at overcharging people, because people were always undressing her in their heads, and then putting her clothes back on when they saw what was under there."

(Lois Griffin) "Don't try to pawn this off on your sister. She's a good girl."
(Chris Griffin) "Oh, yeah? Well, what about the time she strangled our other sister?"
(Lois Griffin) "Oh, honey, we told you -- that never happened. It was just a bad dream."
(Chris Griffin) "But I remember it so --"
(Peter Griffin) "IT WAS A DREAM."

(Young Peter Griffin) "Why did all the dinosaurs die out?"
(Unnamed) "Because you touch yourself at night."

(Stewie Griffin) "Oh, my God, Jeremy's still in the trunk. How long has it been? Two weeks. Nope, he's dead."

(Brian Griffin) "This was even stupider than that time that Peter locked his keys out of his car."

(Lois Griffin) "Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts."
(Peter Griffin) "OH MY GOD."

(Adam West) "Damnit, Swanson, I want them found."
(Joe Swanson) "Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don't have any leads."
(Adam West) "Not the Griffins, you moron. The rest of my Lite Brite pieces. My name isn't "Adam We" -- or is it? Who am I? What number did you call? Don't ever call here again."
(Adam West) "I guess I told him. Nobody messes with Adam We."

(Unnamed) "I've just finished the new line of G.I. Jew toys."
(Unnamed) "You call these bagels?"
(Unnamed) "Whoa, I'm glad he's on our side."

(Stewie Griffin) "Oh, how ruthlessly absurd."

(Stewie Griffin) "So, what do you think of this "Music Television?""

(Peter Griffin) "Neh-neh neh neh neh-neh neh neh. Neh-neh neh neh neh-neh neh. Neh neh neh neh-neh neh and then another neh-neh neh neh-neh."

(Lois) "It's like I always tell the kids: "Quitters never win" and "Don't trust Whitey"."

(Peter Griffin) "If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?"
(Glen Quagmire) "Taylor Hanson."
(Joe Swanson) "Taylor Hanson is a guy."
(Glen Quagmire) "You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire.""
(Peter Griffin) "No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire."
(Glen Quagmire) "What? That's insane. That's impossible."
(Glen Quagmire) "Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god."

(Peter Griffin) "Hey, Brian, I made a waterslide with the stairs."
(Brian Griffin) "I'm not going to call the hospital because you wouldn't learn anything if I do."

(Unnamed) "We're going to add --"
(Lois Griffin) "Peter."
(Peter Griffin) "Ahh."
(Lois Griffin) "I know what you've been doing here, and I'm very upset with you."
(Peter Griffin) "Oh. Usually, beautiful women don't turn back into you until I'm finished."
(Lois Griffin) "These tapes are about to be communication. If you want to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me."
(Peter Griffin) "This is hot."
(Lois Griffin) "Turn around."
(Peter Griffin) "Lois. This is not what it looks like. She means nothing to me."
(Lois Griffin) "Peter, it's okay."
(Peter Griffin) "Yeah?"
(Lois Griffin) "I was trying to be sexy for you."
(Peter Griffin) "Oh, come here you."
(Lois Griffin) "You should've told me."
(Lois Griffin) "You should've told me."

(Unnamed) "I have 13 tickets, is that enough?"
(Unnamed) "I'm sorry, Timmy. You need 15 tickets to live."

(Stewie Griffin) "You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death."

(Stewie Griffin) "OK, Rupert, what do you think of our Mad Lib?"
(Stewie Griffin) "Cinderella had two step-'watermelons', who were very 'smelly' to her. So her fair god'toilet' turned her pumpkin into a big 'fanny', and sent her off to the 'poop'."
(Stewie Griffin) "Oh, how ruthlessly absurd."

(Stewie Griffin) "Can I see Mommy now?"
(Unnamed) "There, there you're born now. That's enough of this Mommy Nonsense."
(Stewie Griffin) "Not even a stuffed bear to hug?"

(Peter Griffin) "Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?"

(Peter Griffin) "I'd sell my soul to be famous."
(Satan) "We've got a live one. Peter Griffin."
(Unnamed) "No good, sir. It seems he already sold his soul once in 1977 for Bee Gees tickets and then again in 1983 for half a mallomar."

(Lois Griffin) "Hey, everybody, wait till you see this."
(Peter Griffin) "Oh, my God. Moveable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs, lest they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry."
(Unnamed) "What you got there, m'lord?"
(Peter Griffin) "Nothing. Back to your turnips."

(Tom Tucker) "And now to Ollie Williams, with our live hurricane report. Ollie?"
(Ollie Williams) "It's rainin' sideways."
(Tom Tucker) "Don't you have an umbrella, Ollie?"
(Ollie Williams) "Had one."
(Tom Tucker) "Where is it?"
(Ollie Williams) "Inside-out, five miles away."
(Tom Tucker) "Can we get you anything, Ollie?"
(Ollie Williams) "Bring me some soup."
(Tom Tucker) "What kind?"
(Ollie Williams) "Chunky."

(Stewie Griffin) "When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless."

(Peter Griffin) "Son, we're going to get you back in the Scouts so fast, they wont know what hit 'em."
(Peter Griffin) "And, um, neither will that guy."

(Peter Griffin) "Hey look, there's Oral Roberts University. And there's Anal Roberts University. That's a hard place to get into, but you'll be surprised how much you like it once you're there."

(Peter Griffin) "I'm an android Ninja from Planet England."

(Doctor) "Mayor West, I'm afraid you have lymphoma."
(Adam West) "Oh."
(Doctor) "Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste."
(Adam West) "I see."
(Doctor) "What in God's name were you trying to prove?"
(Adam West) "I was trying to gain super powers."
(Doctor) "Well, that's just silly."
(Adam West) "Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes."

(Stewie Griffin) "I smell death on you."

(Brian Griffin) "God, England sucks now."

(Peter Griffin) "Brian, tape this for me."
(Brian Griffin) "Oh, sorry. The VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football."
(FBI Agent) "Do you have the expressed written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League?"
(Peter Griffin) "Just ABC."

(Death) "You can't tell anyone that I'm here. For if you do, the consequences could be dire."
(Peter Griffin) "Go on --"
(Death) "That's it."
(Death) "God, what do you see in him?"

(Unnamed) "In French, to say yes you say oui-oui."
(Peter Griffin) "Oh, man, that's hysterical."
(Peter Griffin) "Hey, what do you say for no, doo-doo?"
(Peter Griffin) "Hey, I'll be right back. I've got to go take a wicked yes."

(Stewie Griffin) "Oh. Mmm, yes. Oh, God, this is better than sex."

(Stewie Griffin) "Look at Jesus over there all by himself."
(Stewie Griffin) "You would think those bulldogs would invite him over to play poker with them."

(Peter Griffin) "Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that."

(Peter Griffin) "Quiet, sweetie. Men are talking."

(Peter Griffin) "Hey, let's play a game called "I never". You gotta drink if you never did the thing the person says they did."
(Cleveland) "I got one; I never slept with a woman with the lights on."
(Joe Swanson) "I got one; I never slept with Cleveland's wife."
(Peter Griffin) "I never did a chick in the Logan airport bathroom."
(Peter Griffin) "Oh, God, what else is there? I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance."
(Glen Quagmire) "Oh, God."
(Joe Swanson) "I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take me home and choke me while I touch myself."
(Glen Quagmire) "Oh, God."
(Peter Griffin) "Same thing except with a chick from JoAnn Fabrics."
(Glen Quagmire) "Oh, Come on, this is getting ridiculous."
(Joe Swanson) "Boy, he's out cold."
(Peter Griffin) "Let's write on him."

(Peter Griffin) "That must be him. Oh God. I hope that thing doesn't happen where I get nervous and can't control of the volume of my voice."
(Mr. Jonathan Weed) "Hello Peter. How are you?"
(Peter Griffin) "Fine."
(Peter Griffin) "Please come in."

(Peter Griffin) "Now, let's drink until we uncover repressed memories of abuse by a Trusted Religious Official."
(Cleveland) "Oh, come on Peter, who- Oh, Father Jackson, how could you."

(Peter Griffin) "It's OK, Meg. Your mom is full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to take down an elephant."

(Peter Griffin) "We all know that no woman anywhere ever wants to have sex ever --"

(Chris Griffin) "WAAAH. Ah, my Morning Scream --"

(Unnamed) "Your host, Tanktop Gayface."

(Peter Griffin) "Christmas is the time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living and we sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep."

(Peter Griffin) "Lois, come see what I did with the money your dad gave me."
(Lois Griffin) "Oh my God. You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse?"
(Peter Griffin) "Come on, get up / Knock off your napping / It's a crazy, messed up place where anything can happen / There's a chair that freakin' talks. Hey look. / There's some fish that give advice. Holy crap / It's screwey at Peter's Playhouse. Ha ha ha. Watch this, Lois."
(Peter Griffin) "Hewy Jambi."
(Brian Griffin) "Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hinie; God, I hate you so much."
(Lois Griffin) "Peter, that reparation money should be going to worthy black charity."
(Peter Griffin) "Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes. I will not have you embarrass me."
(Lois Griffin) "Peter, you're acting ridiculous."
(Peter Griffin) "You said the secret word."

(Stewie Griffin) "Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you.""

(Brian Griffin) "Do you have a bathroom?"
(Unnamed) "Yes, follow me."
(Brian Griffin) "Um -- where are the toilets?"
(Unnamed) "Oh, no one at the New Yorker has an anus."

(Brian Griffin) "Peter, only one gift was for charity. The rest were for the family."
(Peter Griffin) "No, the rest were FROM the family -- weren't they? Aw crap, since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?"
(Brian Griffin) "I think they had a meeting about it last night."
(Peter Griffin) "Why wasn't I told?"
(Brian Griffin) "They sent you a card, but it said 'For Peter' on it, so you must have thought it was FROM you, so you didn't uh -- You know, it's just easier to call you stupid."

(Stewie Griffin) "Peter. Peter. There's just so much doody. I just, I just can't fit any more in there. Help."

(Cleveland) "That tickles me in a way where, if Loretta were to tickle me that way, I'd say, "Oh -- yeah, that's it -- that's the spot.""

(Unnamed) "I say, you know what's really funny? A man dressed in women's clothing."
(Unnamed) "Yes, quite. Ripping good laugh."

(Peter Griffin) "At least they don't put their feminine ointments next to the mustard, Lois. That was the worst hot dog I ever ate."

(Chris Griffin) "Oh, my God, the Government's here. Run E.T.."
(Unnamed) "Ahhhh."

(Peter Griffin) "Why don't you look me in the eye when we make love?"

(Chris Griffin) "Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling."

(Stewie) "It's eerie, isn't it. Like looking into the future."

(Unnamed) "Karate? You know you guys are both LOSERS, right?"

(Cult Leader) "Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?"

(Peter) "-- and there's no way I'm going in the back way."
(Death) "Oh crap, I have no time for this."

(Chris Griffin) "I don't have to listen to you. You're a dog. You don't have a soul."
(Brian Griffin) "Ouch."

(Brian) "You recently returned from the Philippines. Where you made love to two Filipino women. And a man."
(Quagmire) "You mean THREE Filipino women."
(Quagmire) "Ahhhhhhh."

(Peter Griffin) "I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois."

(Stewie Griffin) "Ah, the World of Books. "Horton hears Domestic Violence in the next Apartment but doesn't call 911" --"

(Lois Griffin) "Stewie, why don't you go play in the other room?"
(Stewie Griffin) "Why don't you burn in hell?"
(Lois Griffin) "Well, no dessert for you, young man."

(Unnamed) "Do you like Sacramental Wine and Mouse Russell Crowe Movies?"

(Brian Griffin) "Well, if you want to be a hero right now it might be a good time."
(Peter Griffin) "Geez, Brian, this isn't what I was expecting, I thought being a hero would be all fun and games."
(Peter Griffin) "Sorry, Wonder Woman, I got three kings. Now let's see your pair."
(Peter Griffin) "All right."
(Peter Griffin) "Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her."

(Unnamed) "I'm sensing an 'A'. Does your name begin with an 'A'?"
(Peter Griffin) "No."
(Unnamed) "A 'B'?"
(Peter Griffin) "No."
(Unnamed) "C? D? E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P --"
(Peter Griffin) "P. Peter. My name's Peter."
(Unnamed) "Is your name Peter?"
(Peter Griffin) "Wow. You are some kind of sorcerer."

(Lois Griffin) "Peter, I saw a really good deal on a used car in this newspaper."
(Peter Griffin) "Oh no. I knew a guy who bought a used car through a newspaper. Ten years later, BAM. Herpes."

(Jaws) "Hey. I'm gonna eat 'cha. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that other one, too. I can see right up in them shorts. Got lots of rows of teeth to chew you with. Dun-na, Dun-na, Dun-na. Oh, I did eat a fat kid on a raft earlier. That's OK though, I have been swimming a lot."
(Jaws) ". Yummy."

(Stewie Griffin) "Well, what about you? You look over forty, which means whatever you've got in there is Brain-Damaged."

(Peter Griffin) "If you don't put 'Coach' back on the air i'll be really upset. the skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed Peter Griffin."
(Peter Griffin) "Craig T. Nelson."
(Unnamed) "Are you Peter Griffin?"
(Peter Griffin) "Yeah."
(Unnamed) "Make it quick."

(Glen Quagmire) "Hey there little lady. Why don't you turn around and show me your Lower East Side."
(Unnamed) "Sure."
(Glen Quagmire) "Whoa. Transvestite, back off. Wait a minute -- pre-op or post-op?"
(Woman) "Pre-op."
(Glen Quagmire) "Whoa. Transvestite, back off."

(Meg Griffin) "But I thought being Gay wasn't a choice?"
(Unnamed) "Well, not for boys."

(Peter Griffin) "Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichÈs."

(Peter Griffin) "Wow, Louis CK?"
(Unnamed) "Yes."
(Peter Griffin) "Well, if you like us, everybody has to."
(Unnamed) "Yes."
(Peter Griffin) "I'm glad he got Big Enough that we could do this --"

(Peter Griffin) "They look at me and see a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye -- He sees a loser and a snack machine."

(Peter Griffin) "Oh, Jenny -- ooh, Jenny, Ooh, Jenny don't stop -- Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO comedy specials have brought laughter to millions. And what a sweet ass."

(Carter Pewterschmidt) "Oh my god. He's violating Sea Breeze."
(Peter Griffin) "No, he's just awkwardly positioning himself -- OK, NOW he's violating Sea Breeze."

(Brian Griffin) "Look at us. Who'd have thought I'd ever be hanging out with Hemmingway, Van Gogh and Cobain. How'd you all end up here?"
(Unnamed) "Well, I collapsed under the weight of my own genius, and so I shot myself."
(Unnamed) "I didn't want my music to become part of some Corporate Mechanism, so I shot myself."
(Unnamed) "I couldn't reconcile the beauty of the World with the way people around me were living, so I shot myself."
(Brian Griffin) "-- I got into the garbage and ate some chocolate."

(Unnamed) "Damn it Julie, I am not shacking up with my boyfriend, I am just going away for the weekend."
(Unnamed) "Yeah. All, the a-way."
(Brian Griffin) "Whoo-hoo. Oh, damn Schneider what will you say?"

(Unnamed) "Man, I'm going to cut you up so bad, that you -- you gonna wish I didn't cut you up so bad."

(Stewie Griffin) "Damn the toilet. It's made slaves of you all. It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society."

(Peter Griffin) "You all know how observant I am."
(Unnamed) "And now back to Star Trek."
(Peter Griffin) "Holy crap. Uhura's black?"

(Brian) "Okay, they're; they're in the woods. The camera keeps on moving. Uh -- I think they're looking for some witch or something; I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed."

(Chris Griffin) "God's watching me do number two? Oh man, I'm a sinner, and God's a pervert."

(Lois Griffin) "My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter."
(Peter Griffin) "I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I won't let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it."
(Stewie) "I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug."
(Brian Griffin) "I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim."

(Unnamed) "We have a gang shooting on Third and Main, three wounded one dead."
(Brian Griffin) "Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier?"

(Lois Griffin) "Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows."
(Peter Griffin) "Oh, Lois, you are so full of --"
(Peter Griffin) "What? I can't say"
(Peter Griffin) "in my own"
(Peter Griffin) "house."
(Peter Griffin) "great, Lois. Just"
(Peter Griffin) "great. You know, you're lucky you're good at"
(Peter Griffin) "my"
(Peter Griffin) "or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about, when you"
(Peter Griffin) "a lubed up"
(Peter Griffin) "of toothpaste in my"
(Peter Griffin) "while you"
(Peter Griffin) "on a cherry"
(Peter Griffin) "Episcopalian"
(Peter Griffin) "extension cord"
(Peter Griffin) "wetness"
(Peter Griffin) "with a parking ticket. That is the best."

(Stewie Griffin) "When the World is mine, your death shall be quick and painless."

(Lois Griffin) "Oh my god, they liked it?"
(Lois Griffin) "Stop it. Stop clapping right now."
(Lois Griffin) "What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged, they should be punished. That man has committed murder here this evening, and the victim's name is theater. This is the kind of mind-numbing shlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland. This isn't art, this isn't even entertainment. This -- blows."
(Peter Griffin) "Um --"
(Lois Griffin) "See, this is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about."

(Olivia) "Check out the Asian Businessman."
(Stewie Griffin) "I work really hard 'cos I'm no fun."

(Peter Griffin) "Yeah, I'm looking for some toilet training books."
(Salesman) "Oh, yes, we can help you there. "Everyone poops" is still the standard, of course. We've also got less popular "Nobody Poops But You"."
(Peter Griffin) "Huh -- well -- you see -- we're Catholic so -- uh --"
(Salesman) "Oh, well then you want "You're a Naughty Child and that's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of the Back of You"."

(Peter Griffin) "Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure."

(Peter Griffin) "There is no Peter, only Zool."

(Peter Griffin) "Ha ha ha ha. You just said "nuclear". It's "nukular", dummy, the "s" is silent."

(Lois Griffin) "Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?"
(Peter Griffin) "Yeah I think it looks better."
(Lois Griffin) "You pasted it over me."
(Peter Griffin) "Yeah I think it looks better."

(Lois Griffin) "What's going on?"
(Stewie Griffin) "We're playing house."
(Lois Griffin) "The boy is all tied up."
(Stewie Griffin) "Roman Polanski's house."

(Peter Griffin) "All right, here's my one-man show, "Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye." Okay, act one."
(Peter Griffin) "I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like some tea? I would because I'm W

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