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Me, Myself and Irene Quotes

Me, Myself and Irene is a television program that was first aired in 1970 . Me, Myself &amp stopped airing in 1970.

It features Peter Farrelly as producer, Pete Yorn, Lee Scott, and Stewart Copeland in charge of musical score, and Mark Irwin as head of cinematography.

Me, Myself and Irene is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Me, Myself and Irene is 116 minutes long. Me, Myself and Irene is distributed by 20th Century Fox.

The cast includes: Jim Carrey as Hank Evans, Renée Zellweger as Irene P. Waters, Anthony Anderson as Jamaal, Jerod Mixon as Shonte Jr., Mongo Brownlee as Lee Harvey, Jim Carrey as Charlie Baileygates, Traylor Howard as Layla, Robert Forster as Colonel Partington, Michael Bowman as Whitey, Rex Allen Jr. as Narrator, and Richard Jenkins as Agent Boshane.

Me, Myself and Irene Quotes

Jim Carrey as Hank Evans

  • (Jim Carrey) "I turn my back for one moment then you stick it up my ass. Literally."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "For your information, you stuck it in your own ass."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Well f*** my ozone."
  • (Jim Carrey) "So, Whitey, what happened to your family?"
  • (Michael Bowman) "I killed them. I hacked them up with a hammer while they were asleep. Ma, Pa, Bro, Sis. She was awake, my sis. I was just released from prison on my 21st birthday. I wasn't ready to leave but they said I had to. f***ed up law, huh?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "You know, I think you're a very special unit."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "That's sweet."
  • (Jim Carrey) "I hope we get to know each other better."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "Yeah, me too."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Do you swallow?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Do you people take checks?"
  • (Limo Driver) "Say that again. Do we people take checks? You mean a black man?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "No, no, no, no, God, no. Your company."
  • (Limo Driver) "Don't give me that backtracking bulls***, that was a racist slur."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone."
  • (Jim Carrey) "I noticed you conveniently left out your eating disorder."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "I don't have and eating disorder."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Whatever you say, slim."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Well, we can't be calling you Milky if your comin' with us, so what's your name?"
  • (Michael Bowman) "Casper, but my friends call me Whitey."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Uh, okay."
  • (Jim Carrey) "So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?"
  • (Renée Zellweger) "Oh, all over."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Omnipresence. I like that in a woman."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Name's Hank, Hank Evans; for little girls --"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Irene?"
  • (Renée Zellweger) "Hmm?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Why am I peeing like I was up all night having sex?"
  • (Rex Allen Jr.) "Well, it seems old Hank had pulled a fast one."
  • (Jim Carrey) "I'm not leaving till the morning, but you know the rules when I go: no bitches after eleven."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "Look, I don't know what that means, okay?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "It means either he's gotta make up a battle plan, or old Hank's gonna have to take over for Charlie for good."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "Did you just refer to yourself in the fourth person?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "I never said anything remotely racist."
  • (Limo Driver) "Oooh, so it's the little people thing, than?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "No."
  • (Limo Driver) "You think just coz I'm small you can just push me around? Well, come on my friend. Let's boogie. I'm gonna give a little lesson in low center of gravity."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Hey, cut it. Stop it now, Sir."
  • (Limo Driver) "Don't patronize me with that 'Sir' crap."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Will you stay with me, no matter what?"
  • (Traylor Howard) "Of course, Charlie."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Well, what if I had to move to the Arctic and you could never come home and you had to eat whale blubber for the rest of your life, would you still stay with me?"
  • (Traylor Howard) "Yeah, I'd stay. But I hope that never happens."
  • (Jim Carrey) "What the hell are you still doing here?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "You can't just throw me away, Hank, we're in this together."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Charlie's like origami, he folds under pressure."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Free hot dogs here, all you can eat. Get your foot long and a bag of nuts."
  • (Jim Carrey) "What are you staring at, f***er? You wanna start me up? Just open the choke and pull the cord, pal. I'm due for a seismic event and you're dancing on the fault line."
  • (Kid's Father) "Hey, what is your problem, pal?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Ever been bitch slapped?"
  • (Guy on Street) "Hey big guy, you hear the news, my son Billy got the lead in his school musical."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Well I guess he likes the cock after all."
  • (Jim Carrey) "But you said you'd eat whale blubber."
  • (Limo Driver) "She'll be eating blubber all right, just as soon as I free "Willy.""
  • (Jim Carrey) "Come on, don't be mad, my little p*****-fart."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Oh, your golf buddy?"
  • (Renée Zellweger) "Yeah."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Well, I hope he doesn't mind if I play through."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "Knock it off, Hank."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Okay, turn around. I'll play the back nine."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "Stop it."
  • (Jim Carrey) "C'mon. He couldn't have chewed up the greens that badly."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "Get away from me."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Whoa."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "He hasn't played the course in a long time, okay? It was Charlie who was putting."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Charlie?"
  • (Renée Zellweger) "Yeah, that's right. He may not be long off the tee, but he's got a pretty good up and down game."
  • (Jim Carrey) "What the hell is that suppo- Could we just speak English for a second here?"

Anthony Anderson as Jamaal

  • (Anthony Anderson) "These two motherf***ers can do the shopping, and I'll do the cooking."
  • (Mongo Brownlee) "Man, you'll do the cooking? Man, you're the one who thought you got chipped beef from a toothy blowjob."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "Motherf***er. That motherf***in' Vince Foster was murdered. I told you that s***."
  • (Mongo Brownlee) "Look, my man, will you quit hacking into them god**** Pentagon files, man? Ain't no never mind who them crooked politicians be killing. You need to just do your god**** studyin'."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "Lee Harvey, what's the diameter of a chicken egg?"
  • (Mongo Brownlee) "4.08 centimeters."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "No, no, what's that in inches?"
  • (Mongo Brownlee) "1.61, man, what the f*** you gettin' at, man?"
  • (Anthony Anderson) "I got ten bucks saying I can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass without it breaking."
  • (Jerod Mixon) "Man, you can't put no chicken egg up his ass, man, look at him, he a tightass."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "No, it can be done."
  • (Mongo Brownlee) "Yo. I'll take that bet."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "My daddy ain't killed nobody, and he sure as s*** ain't kidnapped no skinny-ass bitch."

Jerod Mixon as Shonte Jr.

  • (Jerod Mixon) "Damn, do you think daddy's getting too much stress?"
  • (Mongo Brownlee) "I think he's getting too much shredded wheat by the mothaf***in' look of it."
  • (Jerod Mixon) "Thanks for watching our motherf***ing movie."
  • (Jerod Mixon) "Damn. I can't figure out the atomic mass of this motherf***in' deuteron."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "s***, man, that s***'s simple. Okay. Tell me this. Tell me this."
  • (Jerod Mixon) "What? What?"
  • (Anthony Anderson) "What's a deuteron made up of?"
  • (Jerod Mixon) "Duh, a proton and a neutron."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "Then what's this motherf***in' electron doing right there?"
  • (Jerod Mixon) "s***, I don't know."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "Well, get it outta there then."
  • (Jerod Mixon) "Okay, so, you're sayin' I add up the atomic masses of the proton and the neutron, right, I see's that, but what do I do with the god**** electron? Can I bring it over here?"
  • (Anthony Anderson) "Enrico Fermi'd roll over in his motherf***ing grave if he heard that stupid s***. I mean, he'd just turn over ass up in your face. He wouldn't give a f***."
  • (Mongo Brownlee) "Hey, Jamaal, man, just cut my man some slack, dog."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "Look here, man, I'm just tryin' to help him save face, all right? I mean, you know, he keep askin' questions like that, motherf***ers gonna think he's stupid."
  • (Jerod Mixon) "I ain't stupid."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "Aw, s***, man."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Mornin', fellas."
  • (Mongo Brownlee) "Oh, hey, Dad."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "Hey, Pops, how you doin', man?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "What's all the commotion down here?"
  • (Anthony Anderson) "Oh, you know, just school s*** and s***."
  • (Jim Carrey) "How's my little guy doing?"
  • (Jerod Mixon) "Struggling. This quantum physics is confusing. If I don't buckle down, I'm gonna get myself another B-plus."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Ooh, that'd be whack."
  • (Mongo Brownlee) "Man, he so f***in' dumb, he think calculus is a god**** emperor."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "Give it up, dog."
  • (Jerod Mixon) "Yeah, well, you think polypeptide's a motherf***in' toothpaste."
  • (Jerod Mixon) "Anybody know how to fly this damn thing?"
  • (Anthony Anderson) "Motherf***er, it can't be that hard, it's just lift versus drag and rotation."
  • (Mongo Brownlee) "Yeah, man, get your head out your ass."
  • (Jerod Mixon) "It's not that, man, the controls are written in German, ya asshole."
  • (Mongo Brownlee) "Motherf***er, you speak German don't you?"
  • (Jerod Mixon) "Motherf***er, I can speak it, I ain't saying I can read the s*** all that good."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "You a motherf***in' disgrace."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "Secure the aft doors and adjust the motherf***ing rotor pedals."
  • (Jerod Mixon) "Jawohl."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "Now, disengage the god**** inverter switch."
  • (Jerod Mixon) "Jawohl."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "Well, get this motherf***er off the ground."
  • (Jerod Mixon) "Man how the hell can they call Pluto a planet? No motherf***ing planet has an elliptical orbit. This s*** don't make no sense."

Renée Zellweger as Irene P. Waters

  • (Renée Zellweger) "Stay away from me, Hank. I know what you have planned, OK? I saw your so-called "supplies.""
  • (Jim Carrey) "Oh -- that. I wasn't gonna just -- ram it home, you know. I was gonna -- lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "I was talking about the shovel and the lime."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "So I smoked some pot, what is that a crime?"
  • (Agent Steve Parfitt, FBI) "-- Uh-huh."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "You should be furious. I just dropped kicked you right in the face."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Hey, it happens."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "Hank. I really, really appreciate your help. But is there any way that maybe we could get Charlie back out here for a little huddle?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "No problem. And while you're at it, why don't you go climb that pole over there and take a big steamy piss on the power lines? Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life. But if I'm going to do that, I'll need total uninanonynymity."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "What are those for?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Oh. It's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel -- funny. No big deal."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "What's it called?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank. Okay, you tricked me."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Yes, I tricked you. It was deceitful, it was disgusting and despicable. But just for once, see it from my side."
  • (Jim Carrey) "I was horny."
  • (Renée Zellweger) "Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Woa, woa, woa, wooa. Tweak the high end on your emotional EQ, sweetpeak. The funky chicken was Charlie's dance. I'm a tango man myself."

Rex Allen Jr. as Narrator

  • (Rex Allen Jr.) "It's funny how a man reacts when his heart has been broken. Some men break down and cry like a baby. And some others take an uzi and climb a clock tower."

Mongo Brownlee as Lee Harvey

  • (Mongo Brownlee) "s***, yeah, man, look, you keep f***in' around, you gonna get that scholarship to Yale taken away from you. Be stuck up there at Stanford with those god**** sling-blade motherf***ers."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "s***, motherf***er, you be lucky to get accepted to Duke, gettin' a 1430 on yo' SATs."
  • (Mongo Brownlee) "Motherf***er, you know I had the flu."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "The flu, my ass. You had a motherf***in' aneurysm to get a 1430."
  • (Mongo Brownlee) "Is your old lady happy?"
  • (Lieutenant Gerke) "Is my old lady happy?"
  • (Mongo Brownlee) "Yeah, because if your f***in' is anything like your police work then you couldn't hit the G-spot on a twelve pound p*****."

Robert Forster as Colonel Partington

  • (Robert Forster) "Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation when Layla left?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Why -- why would I? Wives leaves their husbands everyday in this country -- It's no reason to short change the department -- it's not like I had the flu."

Michael Bowman as Whitey

  • (Michael Bowman) "It's gonna be raining wine and roses tonight."
  • (Anthony Anderson) "I'll tell you one thing, it's gonna be raining my motherf***ing cookies if this motherf***er don't stop this turbulence s***."

Richard Jenkins as Agent Boshane

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