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The Royle Family Quotes

The Royle Family is a Sitcom that first aired in 14 September 1998 - 25 December 2000 on BBC Two . The Royle Family ended in 2012.

The Royle Family aired for 25 episodes. It features Glenn Wilhide as producer, and Dick Dodd as head of cinematography. The Royle Family is executive produced by Andy Harries. The Royle Family is created by Caroline Aherne.

The Royle Family is recorded in English and originally aired in United Kingdom. Each episode of The Royle Family is 30-60 mins long. The Royle Family is produced by ITV Studios .

The cast includes: Caroline Aherne as Denise Royle, Ricky Tomlinson as Jim Royle, Sue Johnston as Barbara Royle, Doreen Keogh as Mary Carroll, Ralf Little as Antony Royle, Liz Smith as Norma Speakman, Craig Cash as Dave Best, Jessica Hynes as Cheryl Carroll, and Geoffrey Hughes as Twiggy.

The Royle Family Quotes

Doreen Keogh as Mary Carroll

  • (Doreen Keogh) "Look at Anthony's hair. He looks like a little choir boy."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "He looks like a little gay boy."
  • (Doreen Keogh) "Michelle, I think I have one of your children in my class."
  • (Michelle) "Are you a teacher Mary?"
  • (Doreen Keogh) "Yes."
  • (Sue Johnston) "No you're not a teacher, you're a dinnerlady."
  • (Doreen Keogh) "Oh yes."

Caroline Aherne as Denise Royle

  • (Caroline Aherne) "Every time you do a gig round here, that cow is there."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "What's going on now?"
  • (Sue Johnston) "Oh, they're arguing about Beverly Macca."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "She's all right ? Beverly. She's a tasty little piece."
  • (Caroline Aherne) "Trust you not to be here when me waters broke. You right useless lump of s***e."
  • (Caroline Aherne) "I'm only not smoking in front of Baby David until he's old enough to get up and walk out of the room, then it's his choice."
  • (Caroline Aherne) "Every time when I come out of the toilet she was round him, right, like flies, right, round s***."
  • (Caroline Aherne) "And you're the s***, and she? she's not even the fly because she's to fat to be the fly and she's the s*** and that's what they are, they're two shovels of s***."
  • (Sue Johnston) "You don't have to bring s*** into it, love."
  • (Caroline Aherne) "Shall we go down The Feathers for the last hour?"
  • (Craig Cash) "No, I'm knackered."
  • (Caroline Aherne) "Ok. I'm not bothered anyway; we can always stay in and watch the telly."
  • (Craig Cash) "Is there 'owt on?"
  • (Caroline Aherne) "No."
  • (Craig Cash) "Well, we may as well go down the feathers then."
  • (Caroline Aherne) "You were too knackered to go a minute ago."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Oh, let him go for a drink if that's what he wants."
  • (Caroline Aherne) "I just asked him. He said he was too knackered to go."
  • (Craig Cash) "Do you wanna' go or what?"
  • (Caroline Aherne) "I wanted to go in the first place. I'm not going now anyway; you've annoyed me."

Ricky Tomlinson as Jim Royle

  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "This is one day of the year we all get together to watch the bloody television, and look at this s***e they put on."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Look out, here comes Mastermind."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Anne Robinson, my arse. Watchdog? I am watching a bloody dog."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Anthony, if that's the invisible man, tell him I can't see him."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "I'm gonna go and have a chat with the Arabs."
  • (Jessica Hynes) "What d'ya mean Jim?"
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Mustapha Crap."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Your bloody Nana's bloody more interested in bloody Coronation bloody Street than the baby."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Jim, how many bloodies is that?"
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "At least you can do something bloody properly."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Get your coat on, Barb."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Are you taking me with you?"
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "No, I'm gonna turn the fire off -- of course I'm taking you. I wouldn't leave you here on me birthday, would I? Better bring your purse."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Ugh."

Liz Smith as Norma Speakman

  • (Liz Smith) "Ey, I tell you who is in hospital, Gwen's husband."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Ooh, what's he having done?"
  • (Liz Smith) "He's having something fitted."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "What; a wardrobe?"
  • (Liz Smith) "Is this hat too far forward?"
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "No, we can still see your face."
  • (Liz Smith) "Where's your best man, Barry in't it?"
  • (Craig Cash) "No, Gary. He's got to work he can't get the morning off, he's coming straight from the butchers."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "It's all we want, innit,tThe church stinking of bloody mince."
  • (Geoffrey Hughes) "Ey, you know what'll happen, don't ya, he'll put his hand in his pocket for the ring and pull out a pork chop."
  • (Liz Smith) "I never drink me, just a sherry at Christmas, whiskey at new year and a bottle of stout."
  • (Liz Smith) "D'ya know what he said, Barbara? He said, even though I'm taking the cataract out of your eye, I'm leaving the twinkle in."
  • (Liz Smith) "Would you like a sandwich, love?"
  • (Craig Cash) "No thanks, Nana."
  • (Liz Smith) "There's no Picalilly left in this jar."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "You're joking. Do you think we can continue with the celebrations in the face of that revelation?"

Craig Cash as Dave Best

  • (Craig Cash) "Alcohol. I thought you would've known that, Denise."
  • (Caroline Aherne) "I've never even drank ethanol."
  • (Craig Cash) "'Ey, I'm rough today me me guts are well off, I had a bad pint last night."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "I bet you washed them down with a few more, though, didn't you."
  • (Ralf Little) "How d'ya know if its a bad pint?"
  • (Craig Cash) "Cos you can s*** through the eye of a needle."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Where did you go?"
  • (Craig Cash) "Pear tree."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Bloody hell, you don't wanna drink in there."
  • (Craig Cash) "Well, I know that now, don't I?"
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Bloody hell, He doesn't clean his pumps him."
  • (Ralf Little) "No, actually the lagers all right."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "How would you know, soft lad?"
  • (Ralf Little) "Dad, I'm 15."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "'Ey. listen if I ever catch you in The Feathers I'll clip you round the bloody ear, you do not s*** on your own doorstep."
  • (Craig Cash) "I nearly did last night, I couldn't get the key in quick enough."

Sue Johnston as Barbara Royle

  • (Sue Johnston) "How's your diet going, Cheryl?"
  • (Jessica Hynes) "Oh, all right thanks, yeah, Barbara, I lost 4 pounds -- and then I put 2 back on and then another 2. But I've not gained any."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Oh, well I think you're doing ever so well to stick to it, love."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Have you asked her to be bridesmaid?"
  • (Caroline Aherne) "Aw, yeah, aw, she was thrilled."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Bridesmaid, my arse, she'll look like a bloody Easter egg on legs."
  • (Ralf Little) "Yeah, and the only reason you're having her as a bridesmaid is to make you look better."
  • (Caroline Aherne) "Get lost, Anthony."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Is she really on a diet?"
  • (Caroline Aherne) "Yeah."
  • (Sue Johnston) "D'ya think she'll ever get married?"
  • (Ralf Little) "Who'd have her?"
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Stevie Wonder."
  • (Ralf Little) "Yeah."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Is there 'owt on, Jim?"
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "No"
  • (Sue Johnston) "'Ey Jim, Jim, d'ya fancy an early night?"
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "There must be bloody something on, mustn't there."
  • (Sue Johnston) "To be honest, I think she might have to stay another week."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Another bloody week? Over my dead body."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Jim, she thinks the world of you."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Thinks the bloody world of me? You'd think when she had a family sized bag of bloody Revels, did she offer me one? Did she s***e. She sat on her big fat arse and commented on every single one that she put into her big fat gob."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Oo, coconut. OH oo orange. Oh Malt bloody Teasers."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Oh? Is that it, then? We can't look after my own mother because she wouldn't share a bag of Revels? Grow up Jim."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Me grow up. She makes me un bloody plug everything before we go to bed. And she's got the blanket on all night."
  • (Sue Johnston) "If it had been your mum and dad, God rest their souls, I'd have done anything for them."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "She should be in her bloody home."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Well she is in a home. She's in our home and that's where she's staying, with her family that loves her."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Oo caramel, I think. Oh no, it's not caramel, I think it's er; oh it's coffee I think it's coffee. Greedy old cow."
  • (Sue Johnston) "It's shocking, really, you know; she's 82."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Why what's happened?"
  • (Sue Johnston) "Well, she went down the precinct and she had this voucher; and it was one day out of date and the miserable sod of a manager wouldn't let her have the money off."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "How much was it worth?"
  • (Sue Johnston) "20p."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "20p? It'll cost her more than that to ring every bugger she knows to tell."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Well, I don't care what anybody is; I don't care whether they're gay, straight or Australian. It's what they're like as a person that matters."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Aye, aye Barb', steady on there, will ya? This ain't Live Aid you know, its just my bloody birthday."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Oh, you're a sarcastic bugger you are Jim."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Antony, take that chicken out to the bins, will you, love? That chicken will start to stink if we leave it out."
  • (Ralf Little) "Mam, I've just sat down"
  • (Ralf Little) "what about lazy-arse here."
  • (Sue Johnston) "'Ey. There's to much swearing in this house"
  • (Sue Johnston) "that's you that is Jim, you've taught him that."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Taught him my arse."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Get the door, will ya, Anthony?"
  • (Ralf Little) "I have to do everything around here."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "It's probably Snow White looking for you, Grumpy."
  • (Sue Johnston) "Oh; you know that Donna who works with me. Well, she only works half days; afternoons. And her Mam usually picks the kids up for her; anyway; her Mam's going into hospital and she won't be able to pick the kids up for her. So, Donna, wants to swap to mornings', so; she has to see Pauline. So, she goes and sees Pauline and she says "Can I swap to mornings?" and she tells her, you know, about her Mam going to hospital and all that. And Pauline's not having any of it; she's got herself in a right pickle. What's she going to do?"
  • (Caroline Aherne) "What are you on about?"
  • (Sue Johnston) "Donna."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "What's the matter with her?"
  • (Sue Johnston) "Well, her Mam you see normally picks the kids up for her in the afternoons' after school; but she's going into hospital so she won't be able to. So Donna wanted to swap; Pauline won't let her. So she's stuck with someone to pick the kids' up for her, ain't she."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Well, what's that got to do with you? I mean it's not your bloody problem is it?"
  • (Sue Johnston) "I'm just telling you."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Well, don't you think I've got enough to worry about myself?"
  • (Sue Johnston) "You've no interest in anyone but yourself, Jim."

Jessica Hynes as Cheryl Carroll

  • (Jessica Hynes) "Has he got a girlfriend yet?"
  • (Caroline Aherne) "Yeah -- His hand"

Ralf Little as Antony Royle

  • (Ralf Little) "Who's stunk that toilet out?"
  • (Sue Johnston) "Who d'ya think."
  • (Ricky Tomlinson) "Well that's what its for isn't it, where d'you expect me to s***? You'd soon have something to worry about if I crapped in the kitchen."

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