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History of the World, Part I Quotes

History of the World, Part I is a television program that debuted in 1970 . History of the World, Part I ended in 1970.

It features Mel Brooks as producer, John Morris (composer) in charge of musical score, and Woody Omens as head of cinematography.

History of the World, Part I is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of History of the World, Part I is 92 minutes long. History of the World, Part I is distributed by 20th Century Fox.

The cast includes: Mel Brooks as Moses, Gregory Hines as Josephus, Madeline Kahn as Empress Nympho, Ron Carey as Swiftus, Cloris Leachman as Madame DeFarge, Shecky Greene as Marcus Vindictus, Harvey Korman as Count de Monet, Pamela Stephenson as Mademoiselle Rimbaud, Andreas Voutsinas as Bearnaise, Orson Welles as Narrator, Sid Caesar as Chief Monk, John Hurt as Jesus, Nigel Hawthorne as Auctioneer, Andrew Sachs as Gerard, Barry Levinson as Plumbing Salesman, Mary-Margaret Humes as Miriam, Dom DeLuise as Emperor Nero, Spike Milligan as Monsieur Rimbaud, John Hurt as Chemist, and Barry Levinson as Column Salesman.

History of the World, Part I Quotes

Dom DeLuise as Emperor Nero

  • (Dom DeLuise) "Here, wash this."

Gregory Hines as Josephus

  • (Gregory Hines) "Not to worry, not to worry -- we are now armed with mighty joint."
  • (Jaques) "Josephus. How did you get here from the Roman Empire?"
  • (Gregory Hines) "Don't be square, mon cher. Movies is magic."
  • (Gregory Hines) "Say when."
  • (Madeline Kahn) "8:30."
  • (Oedipus) "Give to Oedipus. Give to Oedipus. Hey, Josephus."
  • (Gregory Hines) "Hey, motherf***er."
  • (Unnamed) "Seize him."
  • (Gregory Hines) "Seize this, honkus."

Orson Welles as Narrator

  • (Orson Welles) "See: Hitler on Ice."
  • (Orson Welles) "And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth -- the critic."

Nigel Hawthorne as Auctioneer

  • (Nigel Hawthorne) "What country are you from?"
  • (Gregory Hines) "Ethiopia."
  • (Nigel Hawthorne) "What part?"
  • (Gregory Hines) "125th Street."

Shecky Greene as Marcus Vindictus

  • (Court Spokesman) "Remember, thou art mortal. Remember, thou art mortal. Remember, thou art mortal. Remember, thou --"
  • (Shecky Greene) "Oh, blow it out your ass."
  • (Shecky Greene) "Oh Nympho, I would do anything to gain your favor. How can I catch you? How can ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant."
  • (Madeline Kahn) "Ah, but the servant waits, while the master baits."
  • (Shecky Greene) "The rest of you will run with Mucas."
  • (Shecky Greene) "He's a eunuch."
  • (Captain Mucus) "Mmm-hmm."
  • (Shecky Greene) "He's a eunuch."
  • (Captain Mucus) "Mmm-hmm."
  • (Shecky Greene) "He's dead."
  • (Captain Mucus) "Hmm."
  • (Captain Mucus) "Commander, what happened? Where are they?"
  • (Shecky Greene) "Get the horses. Get the chariots. Get the men."
  • (Captain Mucus) "Onward."
  • (Shecky Greene) "Get me an ice pack. Hurry."
  • (Shecky Greene) "-- Seize him."
  • (Shecky Greene) "Do you know the penalty for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?"
  • (Shecky Greene) "Okay -- Let's see -- There, you had your hand up first."
  • (Unnamed) "Death by torture."
  • (Shecky Greene) "Uhm -- Be more specific, please."
  • (Unnamed) "-- You get drawn and quartered?"
  • (Shecky Greene) "I don't think that's been invented yet. Who's got the encyclopedia?"
  • (Shecky Greene) "-- No, that doesn't come along until the Dark Ages. Good guess, though. How about you, sir?"
  • (Unnamed) "Crucifixion."
  • (Shecky Greene) "Wrong; that's the penalty for high treason. Still, very good guess. Over here?"
  • (Unnamed) "They force-feed you a mess of laxatives and then lock you in an airtight room, where you choke to death on your own flatulence."
  • (Shecky Greene) "Well -- That's not correct, but; Hey, are you writing this down?"
  • (Shecky Greene) "Who knows? We might have some work for this guy; come on, write it down."
  • (Captain Mucus) "Hmmm, a gas chamber --"
  • (Captain Mucus) "That'll never catch on."
  • (Shecky Greene) "Goodbye, head."
  • (Comicus) "Hello, balls."
  • (Shecky Greene) "Oh, Caesar. I've spread civilization to the farthest reaches of the Empire. I've conquered and subdued the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome. I've penetrated into the farthest --"
  • (Dom DeLuise) "What's under the sheet?"
  • (Shecky Greene) "Sheet?"
  • (Dom DeLuise) "SHEET."
  • (Shecky Greene) "Oh. Oh, the sheet. Yes, to begin with, Number One, a beautiful, hand-carved, alabaster --"
  • (Shecky Greene) "Bathing basin."
  • (Dom DeLuise) "Nice. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice."
  • (Shecky Greene) "Caladonia. Let's make their big head so hard."

John Hurt as Chemist

  • (Unnamed) "No, No. Leave us alone."
  • (Comicus) "All right, all right. Jesus."
  • (John Hurt) "Yes?"
  • (Comicus) "What?"
  • (John Hurt) "What?"
  • (Comicus) "What?"
  • (John Hurt) "Yes?"
  • (Comicus) "Jesus."
  • (John Hurt) "Yes?"
  • (Comicus) "What?"
  • (John Hurt) "What?"
  • (Comicus) "You said what."
  • (John Hurt) "Yes?"
  • (Comicus) "Nothing."
  • (John Hurt) "What are you looking for?"
  • (Shecky Greene) "A pack of Trojans."
  • (John Hurt) "Gee, I just ran out."

Barry Levinson as Column Salesman

  • (Barry Levinson) "Yes, citizens, plumbing. It's the latest invention to hit Rome. It moves water from one place to another. It's astounding, it's amazing. Get on the bandwagon. Pipe the s*** right out of your house."
  • (Barry Levinson) "Columns, columns. Get your columns here. Ionic, Doric, Corinthian. Put a few columns in front, turn any hovel into a showplace. Columns --. Sir, don't touch the merchandise. All right now, columns, columns."

Mary-Margaret Humes as Miriam

  • (Mary-Margaret Humes) "We've got to get out of Rome."
  • (Gregory Hines) "But how? The streets are crawling with soldiers. See?"
  • (Mary-Margaret Humes) "Miracle. Oh, what a beautiful name. What's yours?"
  • (Comicus) "Miracle -- uh, Comicus. I'm a stand-up philosopher."
  • (Mary-Margaret Humes) "Oh, I'm Miriam. I'm a Vestal Virgin."
  • (Comicus) "I'm really sorry to hear that."

Harvey Korman as Count de Monet

  • (Harvey Korman) "Wait for the shake."
  • (Harvey Korman) "Where is the King?"
  • (Andrew Sachs) "Playing chess."
  • (Andreas Voutsinas) "Chess. I hate chess."
  • (Insolent Flunky) "Count Da Money."
  • (Harvey Korman) "De Monet. Say it -- Mo; nay. Say it with me, Mo; nay."
  • (King Louis XVI) "Ah, the Count Da Money."
  • (Harvey Korman) "It's "De Mon -- ""
  • (King Louis XVI) "DON'T correct me."
  • (Harvey Korman) "Your Majesty, you look like the piss-boy."
  • (King Louis XVI) "And you look like a bucket of s***."
  • (Harvey Korman) "Don't get saucy with me, Bearnaise."
  • (Harvey Korman) "It is said that the people are revolting."
  • (King Louis XVI) "You said it. They stink on ice."

Andreas Voutsinas as Bearnaise

  • (Andreas Voutsinas) "I don't like your cuffs --. I don't like your cuffs. I don't like your cuffs. A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his 'pee-pee'. Yours are all the way down to your balls."
  • (Harvey Korman) "At least I have them."
  • (Andreas Voutsinas) "Bitch."
  • (Andreas Voutsinas) "Pardon. Pardon. Pardon."
  • (Harvey Korman) "Yes?"
  • (Andreas Voutsinas) "You are pissing on my shoe."
  • (Harvey Korman) "Sorry --"

Spike Milligan as Monsieur Rimbaud

  • (Spike Milligan) "What fool put a carpet on the wall?"

Madeline Kahn as Empress Nympho

  • (Madeline Kahn) "Say Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?"
  • (Unnamed) "Whooooaaaaaaa."
  • (Bob) "Well, we could use another wine steward."
  • (Gregory Hines) "I got a great corkscrew."
  • (Unnamed) "Whoooaaaaaaa."
  • (Gregory Hines) "Damn, this a hip crowd."
  • (Madeline Kahn) "Could you please step on the same foot at the same time. My tits are falling off."
  • (Madeline Kahn) "Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs. We are about to confront -- guys."

Sid Caesar as Chief Monk

  • (Sid Caesar) "Torquemada -- do not implore him for compassion.Torquemada -- do not beg him for forgiveness.Torquemada -- do not ask him for mercy.Let's face it,you can't Torquemada anything."
  • (Sid Caesar) "Torquemada; do not beg him for mercy. Torquemada; do not ask him for forgiveness. Let's face it; you can't Torquemada anything."

Cloris Leachman as Madame DeFarge

  • (Cloris Leachman) "We are so poor, we do not even have a language. Just this stupid accent."
  • (Unnamed) "She's right, she's right. We all talk like Maurice Chevalier."
  • (Unnamed) "Au-haw-haw."
  • (Unnamed) "Au-haw-haw."

Ron Carey as Swiftus

  • (Ron Carey) "Oh, you are nuts. N-V-T-S, nuts."
  • (Comicus) "Have you heard of this new sect, the Christians? They are a laugh riot. First of all, they are so poor --"
  • (Ron Carey) "How poor are they?"
  • (Comicus) "Thank you. They are so poor -- that they only have one God."
  • (Comicus) "But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation -- but I hear that's coming quickly."

Pamela Stephenson as Mademoiselle Rimbaud

  • (Pamela Stephenson) "Your Majesty. I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh."
  • (King Louis XVI) "You don't put out, he don't get out."
  • (Pamela Stephenson) "Your Majesty, I simply don't do it."
  • (King Louis XVI) "Come on, you do it. You love to do it. We all do it. You do it --"
  • (Pamela Stephenson) "No, I don't."
  • (King Louis XVI) "I do it, I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again, don't tell me you don't do it."
  • (King Louis XVI) "What did he say?"
  • (Pamela Stephenson) "He said, "The poor ain't so bad.""
  • (King Louis XVI) ""The poor ain't so bad?" Huh, you're lucky he's still alive."

Mel Brooks as Moses

  • (Mel Brooks) "The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen --"
  • (Mel Brooks) "Oy. Ten. Ten commandments for all to obey."

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