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There's Something About Mary Quotes

There's Something About Mary is a television show that first aired in 1970 . There's Something About Mary completed its run in 1970.

It features Michael Steinberg (filmmaker) as producer, Jonathan Richman in charge of musical score, and Mark Irwin as head of cinematography.

There's Something About Mary is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of There's Something About Mary is 119 minutes long. There's Something About Mary is distributed by 20th Century Fox.

The cast includes: Matt Dillon as Pat Healy, Cameron Diaz as Mary, Harland Williams as Hitchhiker, Ben Stiller as Ted, Lee Evans as Norm, W. Earl Brown as Warren, Rob Moran as Detective Stabler, Richard Tyson as Detective Krevoy, Lin Shaye as Magda, Chris Elliott as Dom, Sarah Silverman as Brenda, Jeffrey Tambor as Sully, and Lee Evans as Tucker.

There's Something About Mary Quotes

Cameron Diaz as Mary

  • (Cameron Diaz) "Who needs him? I've got a vibrator."
  • (Cameron Diaz) "Did you really mean what you said up there?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Uh-huh. I just want you to be happy Mary."
  • (Cameron Diaz) "But I'd be happiest with you."
  • (Ben Stiller) "You're f***ing with me, right?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "What about Brett Favv-ruh?"
  • (Cameron Diaz) "What did I tell you the first time we met? I'm a Niners fan."
  • (Cameron Diaz) "I want a guy who can play 36 holes of golf, and still have enough energy to take Warren and me to a baseball game, and eat hot dogs, I'm talking sausage hot dogs and beer, not lite beer, but beer. That's my ad, print it up."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Hmm -- a fatty who likes golf and beer. Gee, Mary, where are you gonna find a gem like that?"
  • (Cameron Diaz) "Is that -- is that hair gel?"
  • (Cameron Diaz) "I know he's a little different, but that's what I like about him. He dresses like a complete dork, he chews with his mouth open, he hardly ever says the right thing, and probably farts, too."
  • (Lee Evans) "Oh, that's what you're looking for, is it? A farter?"
  • (Cameron Diaz) "No, I'm looking for a guy."
  • (Brett Favre) "Hi, Mary."
  • (Cameron Diaz) "Brett?"
  • (Matt Dillon) "What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?"
  • (Brett Favre) "I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb-ass."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yeah, I called him, Mary. I told him to pick up Warren and get down here. See, your friend Tucker was lying about a couple of other things."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Brett never said those bad things about Warren. He loves Warren. And from what he told me on the phone just now, he loves you, too. He's the guy you should be with."
  • (Cameron Diaz) "You've been to Nepal?"
  • (Matt Dillon) "Not in months, I don't know why I bought the damn place."

Ben Stiller as Ted

  • (Ben Stiller) "Japan? What's she doing in Japan?"
  • (Matt Dillon) "Well, you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way too."
  • (Ben Stiller) "What, are they desperate? She's a whale."
  • (Matt Dillon) "You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna."
  • (Ben Stiller) "So you're moving down to Miami?"
  • (Matt Dillon) "I accepted a job offer."
  • (Ben Stiller) "With who?"
  • (Matt Dillon) "With -- uh -- Rice-a-Roni."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Isn't that the San Francisco treat?"
  • (Matt Dillon) "It was. They're changing their image."
  • (Ben Stiller) "I think I still want to look her up."
  • (Matt Dillon) "Who, rollerpig? Are you nuts?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "You said she was a real sparkplug."
  • (Matt Dillon) "No, I said buttplug. She's heinous."
  • (Ben Stiller) "I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name."
  • (Ben Stiller) "What about Brett Fav -- ruh?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "From that point on, the guys looked at me in a completely different light."
  • (High School Pal Bob) "You're a f***in' liar."
  • (Charlie Jensen) "Is it the frank or the beans?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "I don't know, both I guess."
  • (W. Earl Brown) "Franks and Beans. Franks and Beans."
  • (Ben Stiller) "I never told you that."
  • (Chris Elliott) "Well Christ, Ted, I was only four towns away."
  • (Ben Stiller) "He never even looked her up down there. He was down there closing his deal with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time."
  • (Ben Stiller) "But you're married. You have a wife, beautiful kids."
  • (Chris Elliott) "Ted, if you love them so much, please, be my guest."
  • (Ben Stiller) "I say they should put more meats on a stick, you know? They got a lot of sweets on sticks-popsicles, fudgesicles, lollipops; but hardly any meat."
  • (Cameron Diaz) "I agree there should be more."
  • (Ben Stiller) "You know what I'd like to see? Meat in a cone. You could put corned beef hash in a cone, or chopped liver."

Lin Shaye as Magda

  • (Lin Shaye) "What are you doing?"
  • (Unnamed) "That's my girl he's kissing."
  • (Lin Shaye) "But you just slept with me."
  • (Unnamed) "I was only boning you to get to Mary."

Chris Elliott as Dom

  • (Chris Elliott) "You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun. Of course that's why you're nervous. Oh my dear friend, please sit, please. Look, um, after you've had sex with a girl, and you're lying in bed with her, are you nervous? No, you're not, why?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Cause I'm tired --"
  • (Chris Elliott) "Wrong. It's 'cause you ain't got the baby batter on the brain anymore. Jesus, that stuff will f*** you're head up. Look, the most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes after he's blown his load; now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid, you're actually -- you're thinking like a girl, and girls love that."
  • (Chris Elliott) "Have you ever had a whitehead on your eyeball, Mary?"
  • (Chris Elliott) "Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you."

Matt Dillon as Pat Healy

  • (Matt Dillon) "Those goofy bastards are about the best thing I've got going."
  • (Matt Dillon) "You're gonna pay, f***er."
  • (Matt Dillon) "Husband -- negative. Children and a Labrador -- negative. Tight little package -- affirmative."
  • (Matt Dillon) "What, you think yer s*** don't stink?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't --"
  • (Matt Dillon) "We agreed I wouldn't f*** you, and you wouldn't f*** me until we got this f***"
  • (Matt Dillon) "outta the f***in' picture."
  • (Matt Dillon) "Does he bite?"
  • (Jeffrey Tambor) "A little bit. Get in."
  • (Matt Dillon) "What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?"
  • (Brett Favre) "I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb ass."

Lee Evans as Norm

  • (Lee Evans) "Really? Where would I have seen your work?"
  • (Matt Dillon) "Well, have you been to, uh well, let me see -- Santiago, Chile?"
  • (Lee Evans) "Twice last year. Which building's yours?"
  • (Matt Dillon) "Are you familiar with the soccer stadium?"
  • (Lee Evans) "Did you build the Estadio Olimpico?"
  • (Matt Dillon) "No, just down the street the Celinto Catayente Towers. It's quite a fine example, in fact. I recommend that next time you're up that way that you drop in and take a gander at it yourself."
  • (Lee Evans) "Oh, man, this is like group therapy or somethin'."
  • (Lee Evans) "How are the twins?"
  • (Unnamed) "f*** you, Norm."
  • (Lee Evans) "Hey, I love it when you talk dirty to me, man."

W. Earl Brown as Warren

  • (W. Earl Brown) "Have you seen my baseball?"
  • (W. Earl Brown) "He was masturbating. He was masturbating."

Harland Williams as Hitchhiker

  • (Harland Williams) "You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video."
  • (Harland Williams) "Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7 -- Minute -- Abs."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Right. Yes. OK, all right. I see where you're going."
  • (Harland Williams) "Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "I would go for the 7."
  • (Harland Williams) "Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk."
  • (Ben Stiller) "You guarantee it? That's; how do you do that?"
  • (Harland Williams) "If you're not happy with the first 7 minutes, we're gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That's it. That's our motto. That's where we're comin' from. That's from "A" to "B"."
  • (Ben Stiller) "That's right. That's; that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh?"
  • (Harland Williams) "No. No, no, not 6. I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel."
  • (Ben Stiller) "That; good point."
  • (Harland Williams) "7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 dwarves. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Why?"
  • (Harland Williams) "'Cause you're f***in' fired."

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