I Heart Huckabees Quotes

I Heart Huckabees is a TV program that appeared on TV in 1970 . I Heart Huckabees completed its run in 1970.

It features Gregory Goodman, David O. Russell, and Scott Rudin as producer, Jon Brion in charge of musical score, and Peter Deming as head of cinematography.

I Heart Huckabees is recorded in English and originally aired in United States, and United Kingdom. Each episode of I Heart Huckabees is 106 minutes long. I Heart Huckabees is distributed by Fox Searchlight Pictures.

The cast includes: Lily Tomlin as Vivian Jaffe, Jason Schwartzman as Albert Markovski, Dustin Hoffman as Bernard Jaffe, Jude Law as Brad Stand, Jonah Hill as Bret, Jean Smart as Mrs. Hooten, Mark Wahlberg as Tommy Corn, Richard Jenkins as Mr. Hooten, Naomi Watts as Dawn Campbell, Kevin Dunn as Marty, Isabelle Huppert as Caterine Vauban, Sydney Zarp as Cricket, Darlene Hunt as Darlene, Ger Duany as Mr. Nimieri, Saïd Taghmaoui as Translator, Talia Shire as Mrs. Silver, and Isla Fisher as Heather.

I Heart Huckabees Quotes

Saïd Taghmaoui as Translator

• (Saïd Taghmaoui) "We smashed locusts and made bread."

Mark Wahlberg as Tommy Corn

• (Mark Wahlberg) "Sorry I grabbed you."
• (Lily Tomlin) "Reptilian."

• (Mark Wahlberg) "I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I thought we were here to talk about petroleum."

• (Mark Wahlberg) "What are you doing tomorrow?"
• (Jason Schwartzman) "I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer. Do you want to come?"
• (Mark Wahlberg) "What time?"
• (Jason Schwartzman) "Mmm, 1, 1:30."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains?"
• (Jason Schwartzman) "We always do."

• (Mark Wahlberg) "Ah, here he comes."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "Oh, boy."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "The man-poet who banged France's dark lady of philosophy. The parking lot crusader of truth -- who turned his back on his other like a cold-blooded gangsta."

• (Mark Wahlberg) "I want my money back."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "Yeah, and if I weren't pro bono, I'd want MY money back."

• (Mark Wahlberg) "How come we only ask ourselves the really big questions when something bad happens?"

• (Mark Wahlberg) "I thought we were a platonic trio, not some sick sex dance. This is bulls***."

• (Mark Wahlberg) "You don't want to ask these questions?"
• (Molly Corn) "No. I wanna live my life."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "What is that life, baby? What are we part of? Who are we? Look at this, look at this"
• (Mark Wahlberg) ". Do you know where these come from?"
• (Molly Corn) "Yeah. My closet. The store."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "Indonesia."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "Baby -- this is the truth, ok? Little girls like you, they have to work in dark factories where they go blind, for a dollar sixty a month just to make Mommy her pretty shoes. Can you even imagine that, Caitlin?"
• (Caitlin Corn) "I don't want the children to work in factories. Stop it from happening."
• (Molly Corn) "Your Daddy's crazy, honey."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "Daddy's not crazy, baby. The world is crazy. It's important to ask these questions."
• (Molly Corn) "Shut up."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "Mommy doesn't ask because Mommy doesn't care. Don't stop asking questions, baby."

• (Mark Wahlberg) "What are you doing tomorrow?"
• (Jason Schwartzman) "I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer. Do you want to come?"
• (Mark Wahlberg) "What time?"
• (Jason Schwartzman) "Mm, one, one-thirty."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains?"
• (Jason Schwartzman) "We always do."

• (Mark Wahlberg) "But there's no way I could stop it's use in my lifetime is there? I mean, Jimmy Carter would have an electric car by now. I could have a Cadillac Escalade and it could be electric. I wouldn't have to ride my bicycle."

Naomi Watts as Dawn Campbell

• (Naomi Watts) "I'm in my tree talking to the Dixie Chicks and they're making me feel better."

• (Naomi Watts) "Brad, do you love me?"
• (Jude Law) "I think so."
• (Naomi Watts) "With the bonnet?"
• (Jude Law) "Ehhh --"

• (Naomi Watts) "I suck, Daryl."

• (Naomi Watts) "f***abees."

• (Naomi Watts) "Wake up, pretty girl, the joke is on you."

• (Naomi Watts) "These are the best tops around. Last time, last year; not so good."
• (Naomi Watts) "But now, this is the truth."

• (Naomi Watts) "There's glass between us. You can't deal with my infinite nature can you?"
• (Jude Law) "That is so not true. Wait, what does that even mean?"

• (Naomi Watts) "Oh please, I don't think of myself as being that pretty."
• (Naomi Watts) "Yes, that changed at Huckabees. You know, I was never their pretty girl."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Really?"
• (Naomi Watts) "No. I just have to keep up with this gorgeous hottie."
• (Lily Tomlin) "How's the sex?"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "How is the sex?"
• (Naomi Watts) "The sex?"
• (Jude Law) "Come on, guys."
• (Jude Law) "Come on. That's private."
• (Naomi Watts) "That's gross."
• (Lily Tomlin) "Our undercover surveillance shows it's been infrequent and short. Eight to nine minutes. Typically."
• (Naomi Watts) "Surveillance? You've watched us?"
• (Lily Tomlin) "No, just listened."
• (Jude Law) "So your surveillance is wrong."
• (Naomi Watts) "Yeah. It's quantity not quality."
• (Jude Law) "She meant quality not quantity."
• (Naomi Watts) "I know, I was only joking."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Were you joking when you said quantity and not quality?"
• (Naomi Watts) "We're private about our seven minutes of heaven."
• (Jude Law) "It's longer than that, darling."
• (Naomi Watts) "Eight minutes of heaven. It's not quality, it's quantity."
• (Jude Law) "You should see her after a couple of margaritas."

Jude Law as Brad Stand

• (Jude Law) "Hey, welcome. You like my new office?"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Let's start with the method."
• (Jude Law) "Let's start with the method."
• (Lily Tomlin) "We'd like to discuss --"
• (Jude Law) "We'd like to discuss --"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Okay, what are you doing?"
• (Jude Law) "Okay, what are you doing?"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "What are you doing?"
• (Jude Law) "I'm jokin' around, guys. But seriously, I want to quit the process with you. Nothing personal. I appreciate what you've done for me, but I'm over it."
• (Lily Tomlin) "You can't quit until the case is over."
• (Jude Law) "Ah, I can fire you."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "No, you can't."
• (Jude Law) "Sure I can."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "No, you can't. Paragraph 201. "Neither client nor detective may terminate case prior to resolution as defined by paragraph 314, subclause 'd'." Which states --"
• (Jude Law) "That's not binding."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Oh, it's binding."
• (Jude Law) "I'll find a lawyer. Or maybe even go to the FBI. How 'bout that?"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Go ahead."
• (Jude Law) "Oh, I will. I'm not kidding."
• (Lily Tomlin) "Brad, this is how it works. You go to the police. You tell them you went to the existential detectives. They ask why. You say, "For personal reasons." Or, maybe you wanted to work the politics at your corporation by rattling Albert Markovski."
• (Jude Law) "I never told you that."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Well, give us a little credit."
• (Lily Tomlin) "The police go to Huckabees. They talk to them. The board learns that rising star, Brad Stand, has weird existential issues. Or he fakes them."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Which is odd."
• (Lily Tomlin) "Which is worse."

• (Jude Law) "Hey, man. How's it going? You're an asshole."
• (Darlene Hunt) "We will f***ing destroy you, deary."
• (Ger Duany) "Got Shaquille O'Neal. I like Shaq."

• (Jude Law) "You want to talk to me about my fat, sad brother?"

• (Jude Law) "How am I not myself?"

• (Jude Law) "Shania cares."

• (Jude Law) "Huckabees cornucopia of stuff we all want, but what happened to the gazelles? Were they squashed under the CD department?"

• (Jude Law) "Shania hates mayo all right, and she can't eat chicken salad, thats no joke. We gave it to her once, she threw up in the limo; the lady hates chicken salad. So I bring out a bunch of tuna fish sandwiches; she still doesn't believe me; I say, Shania, I'm allergic to mayo; which, by the way, is a lie. Shania still doesn't believe me so I eat two of the sandwiches in front of her to prove it. So she eats one and a half sandwiches, one and a half sandwiches -- before she realizes, its chicken salad."

Lily Tomlin as Vivian Jaffe

• (Lily Tomlin) "Why do you think that you tell the mayo story so much?"
• (Jude Law) "I don't know. Why?"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "It's propaganda."
• (Jude Law) "For mayonnaise?"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "For you."
• (Lily Tomlin) "Specifically, you're so impressive because you know Shania. And you're so strong because you pulled one on her."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "You're a funny guy, a good guy."
• (Lily Tomlin) "Keeping everyone laughing, so that maybe, quote, you don't get depressed."
• (Jude Law) "Well, what's so great about depression?"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Nothing. Unless it holds the key to something you compulsively avoid, so it will never be examined or felt. Hence your behavior becomes repetitive like the story."
• (Lily Tomlin) "Like the story."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Like the story."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Shut up. Alright, I don't have to tell stories."
• (Lily Tomlin) "What do you think would happen if you didn't tell the stories? Are you being yourself?"
• (Jude Law) "How am I not myself?"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "How am I not myself?"
• (Lily Tomlin) "How am I not myself?"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "How -- am I not -- myself?"

• (Lily Tomlin) "Why don't you just tell me what your situation is?"
• (Jason Schwartzman) "Look, I'm not really sure I know exactly what you guys do around here, all right?"
• (Lily Tomlin) "Well, we'll investigate and solve your case."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "How?"
• (Lily Tomlin) "If you start a contact we'll follow you."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "You'll spy?"
• (Lily Tomlin) "Yes."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "On me?"
• (Lily Tomlin) "Yes."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "Will you be spying on me in the bathroom?"
• (Lily Tomlin) "Yes."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "In the bathroom?"
• (Lily Tomlin) "Yes."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "Why?"
• (Lily Tomlin) "There's nothing too small. You know when police find the slightest piece of DNA and build a case on it? If we might see you floss or masturbate that could be the key till your entire reality."

• (Lily Tomlin) "Passive aggressive."
• (Jude Law) "Shut up."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Aggressive aggressive."

• (Lily Tomlin) "You live all the time with things you can't see. You can't see electricity, can you? You can't see radio waves, but you accept them."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Trust."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "f*** trust."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "You better stay away from Caterine, Albert, 'cause she's gonna lead you down the path of darkness."
• (Lily Tomlin) "She was our prize graduate student until she went astray."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "No, I think that I am going to stay with her, and the cracks and the pain and the nothingness, because THAT's more real to me, THAT's what I feel."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "Word."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Okay, we're not sweatin' it."
• (Lily Tomlin) "No, we're gonna work with Brad."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "It'll all come back to you and interconnection."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "Brad? Are you kidding me? I'm gonna work on that prick and it's all gonna come to pain and no connection."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "No."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "It's on."

• (Lily Tomlin) "Well, your brother feels that you're ashamed of him."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Are you sympathetic to him?"
• (Jude Law) "Are you kidding me? I gave him a car. I send him shirts. I -- look."
• (Jude Law) "Here, guys. Geckos. And I keep 'em. I'm a pretty good older brother."
• (Lily Tomlin) "He wishes you would listen to him more."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "About what, geckos? Look, I don't have all the answers, but maybe he should listen to me more and learn a little."
• (Lily Tomlin) "You have several stories that you like to tell over and over and over."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Like the mayonnaise story. The mayo story."
• (Unnamed) "May 18, sales meeting."
• (Unnamed) "Shania's there, promoting her apparel, right? It's 4:00. She's starving. She hates mayonnaise, right? Allergic to it. So I order a ton of tuna fish sandwiches. Back then that's all she's eating. Tuna fish. No mayo, darling."
• (Unnamed) "June 5, driving range."
• (Unnamed) "No joke. We gave her a chicken salad sandwich once -- she threw up in the back of the limo."
• (Unnamed) "June 30, the lake."
• (Unnamed) "Shania's there promoting her apparel, right? It's 4:00, and she's starving. She's a busy lady. I order a ton of tuna fish sandwiches. That's all she's eating back then, tuna fish."
• (Unnamed) "July 9, Flight 27 to Chicago."
• (Unnamed) "Shania's there promoting her apparel, right? It's 4:00. She's starving. The lady hates chicken salad. Gave it to her once, she threw up."
• (Unnamed) "August 17, conference call."
• (Unnamed) "Shania's there promoting her apparel, right? No mayo. She hates it. And she cannot eat chicken salad. That's no joke."
• (Unnamed) "September 3, in traffic, your cell phone."
• (Unnamed) "Shania's there promoting her apparel, right? Back then that's all she's eating, tuna fish. No mayo. I eat two of the sandwiches in front of her. She eats one and a half. No way she believes me. She eats one and a half sandwiches before she realizes it's chicken salad."

Jason Schwartzman as Albert Markovski

• (Jason Schwartzman) "Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need."

• (Jason Schwartzman) "We're not in infinity; we're in the suburbs."

• (Jason Schwartzman) "What is it, a crime? Is it a crime to look at Lange?"
• (Lily Tomlin) "Albert, have you ever been in love?"
• (Jason Schwartzman) "What kind of question is that?"

• (Jason Schwartzman) "No, I'm not. I'm talking about not covering every square inch with houses and strip malls until you can't remember what happens when you stand in a meadow at dusk."
• (Jonah Hill) "What happens in the meadow at dusk?"
• (Jason Schwartzman) "Everything."
• (Jean Smart) "Nothing."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "Everything."
• (Jean Smart) "Nothing."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "Everything."
• (Jean Smart) "Nothing."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "It's beautiful."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "It's beautiful."

• (Jason Schwartzman) "I can't go back in there. It's all hating faces that I have to chop up with a machete."

• (Jason Schwartzman) "Mother-f***ing, cocksucker, mother-f***ing, s***-f***er, what am I doing?"
• (Jason Schwartzman) "What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't than nothing in this world makes any sense to me; I'm f***ed. Maybe I should quit. Don't quit. Maybe I should just f***ing quit. Don't f***ing quit. Just, I don't know what the f*** I'm supposed to do anymore. f***er. f***. s***."

• (Jason Schwartzman) "The interconnection thing is definitely for real."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "It is. I didn't think it wasn't. It is."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "I know, I can't believe it, it's so fantastic."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "It's amazing."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "I know."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "But it's also nothing special."

• (Jason Schwartzman) "Everything is the same, even if it's different."

• (Jason Schwartzman) "Motherf***ing cocksucker motherf***ing s*** f***er what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't, than nothing in this world makes any sense to me. I'm f***ed. Maybe I should quit. Don't quit. Maybe I should just f***ing quit. Don't f***ing quit. I don't know what the f*** I'm supposed to f***ing do anymore. f***er. f*** s***."

• (Jason Schwartzman) "That fire was a bitch-ass thing to do."
• (Isabelle Huppert) "No, it liberated you from Brad."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "Or maybe, it bonded me even closer with him."

• (Jason Schwartzman) "Brad, I've thought about chopping your head off with a machete many times."
• (Jude Law) "I've though about hacking you up with an axe Albert, and smashing your face in with a baseball bat."

• (Jason Schwartzman) "No manure -- no magic."

• (Jason Schwartzman) "That's bulls*** because he doesn't care about things like this, where's the African guy, bring me the African guy, where's the African guy?"
• (Jude Law) "Dude, what're you talking about?"
• (Jason Schwartzman) "Why does he get to write poetry? There's no Gazelles in North America Brad, just so you know, and the building squashing nature is my imagery, not yours, you don't write poetry"

Richard Jenkins as Mr. Hooten

• (Richard Jenkins) "What happened to the cat, Albert?"
• (Jason Schwartzman) "How'd you know about my cat?"
• (Richard Jenkins) "The cat was killed by curiosity."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "Oh, right, that cat."

• (Richard Jenkins) "Stevo, I'm so disappointed."
• (Jean Smart) "It's all right. Look, he's sad. He's sad."
• (Richard Jenkins) "I'm sorry Stevo. My bad. You didn't know."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "You should be ashamed of yourself."
• (Richard Jenkins) "I should be what?"
• (Mark Wahlberg) "You should be ashamed of yourself."
• (Richard Jenkins) "And why's that? Why whould I be ashamed of myself?"
• (Mark Wahlberg) "You're a hypocrite."
• (Richard Jenkins) "I'm a what?"
• (Mark Wahlberg) "You're misleading these children. 'Cause you're the destroyer, man."
• (Richard Jenkins) "How am I the destroyer?"
• (Mark Wahlberg) "I saw that S.U.V. out there."
• (Richard Jenkins) "My car's the destroyer? You wanna know how many miles per gallon I get?"

• (Richard Jenkins) "God gave us oil. He gave it to us. How can God's gift be bad?"
• (Mark Wahlberg) "I don't know. He gave you a brain too and you messed that up pretty damn good."
• (Richard Jenkins) "I want you sons of bitches out of my house now."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "If Hitler were alive, he'd tell you not to think about oil."
• (Jean Smart) "You're the Hitler. We took a Sudanese refugee into our home."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "You did. But how did Sudan happen, ma'am? Could it possibly be related to dictatorships that we support for some stupid reason?"
• (Richard Jenkins) "You shut up. You get out."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "You shut up."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "Come on. Let's get out of here."

• (Richard Jenkins) "Do you have a job, Tom?"
• (Mark Wahlberg) "I'm a firefighter."
• (Jean Smart) "Oh, God bless you. A hero."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "I'm not a hero. We'd all be heroes if we quit using petroleum, though."

Jean Smart as Mrs. Hooten

• (Jean Smart) "We took a Sudanese refugee into our house."

• (Jean Smart) "Albert, what brought you to the philosophical club?"
• (Jason Schwartzman) "You mean the existential detectives?"
• (Richard Jenkins) "Sounds like a support group."
• (Sydney Zarp) "Why can't he use the church?"
• (Jean Smart) "Sometimes, people have additional questions to be answered."
• (Sydney Zarp) "Like what?"
• (Jason Schwartzman) "Well, um, for instance: if the forms of this world die, which is more real, the me that dies or the me that's infinite? Can I trust my habitual mind, or do I need to learn to look beneath those things?"

Dustin Hoffman as Bernard Jaffe

• (Dustin Hoffman) "All right, get in."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "You want me to get in?"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Mm-hm."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "So get in here?"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Yeah."
• (Jason Schwartzman) "What's gonna happen to me in there?"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "You're gonna see."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "There is no remainder in the mathematics of infinity."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "There's no such thing as nothing."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "Say this blanket represents all the matter and energy in the universe, okay? This is me, this is you, And over here, this is the Eiffel Tower, right, it's Paris."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "The universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "When you get the blanket thing you can relax because everything you could ever want or be you already have and are."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "When you get the blanket thing, you can relax, because everything you could ever want or be, you already have and are."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "If you look close enough you can't tell where my nose ends and space begins."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "Give me the teddy."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Give me the teddy."

Talia Shire as Mrs. Silver

• (Talia Shire) "What does the doorman have to do with this?"

• (Talia Shire) "God, what are you, a bitch? You're a bitch. How many kids do you have, bitch?"

Sydney Zarp as Cricket

• (Sydney Zarp) "Jesus is never mad at us if we live with Him in our hearts."
• (Mark Wahlberg) "I hate to break it to you, but He is; He most definitely is."

Isla Fisher as Heather

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Isabelle Huppert as Caterine Vauban

• (Isabelle Huppert) "The woods are hopeless. Don't waste your time, they will be destroyed. So will the marsh. It is a losing game mankind has played for more than a century. Sadness is what you are, do not deny it. The universe is a lonely place, a painful place. This is what we can share between us, period."

• (Isabelle Huppert) "It is inevitable to be drawn back into human drama."

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